I'm The One

Today I have decided to assume the responsibilities of God. And I'm not talking about a God of rock and roll or Big Time Wrestling, and I'm certainly not going to be a god with a small "g." I'm talking God as in Supreme Ruler of the Universe. I'm simply going to force God out of his position and take charge of the whole situation. I can't think of anyone who could do a better job of running the world than me. I say this with a straight face and a great deal of humility.

It has come to my attention that there have been hundreds of instances over the last few years where I have been denied pleasure that was rightfully mine. Even worse, I have experienced pain and loss and general discomfort far too often. Sometimes I get constipated and depressed and have shooting pains right between my eyes. This doesn't seem right to me. This seems to be a correctable situation.

God seems to be distracted most of the time. He doesn't seem to be paying attention to my wants and needs. He isn't often accessible. He ignores my requests or takes his time responding. Sometimes he gets things all twisted up and the whole situation blows up in my face.

Horseface Steve -- God. I like the sound of that.