Problem: A difficulty that has to be resolved or dealt with.
I had another long conversation with The Internal Revenue Service today. I capitalized "The" because I don't want anyone to think I was talking to "the" Internal Revenue Service or - worse yet - "A" Internal Revenue Service. This was the big one, the real deal, the I. R. of S. This was no faux IRS.
As a general observation I have to say that both conversations have been . . . not unpleasant. The two women I've talked to have been personable and polite, eager to help, pleased when they've been able to reduce my tax liability. I go out of my way to be kind to these civil servants. They're not the IRS - they work for the IRS - and it's not their fault that I fucked up my taxes. Why would I give them a hard time? Hardly seems fair.
Anyway, I've managed to whittle the tax bill down to about half of the original amount. Because the number is greater than zero it's still too much but at this point I think it's accurate; i.e., I owe this amount. Again, part of the problem was that I figured my taxes incorrectly and part of the problem was that the IRS calculated the bill incorrectly simply because they didn't have the correct information.
At the meeting today we talked about dealing with problems. Ha.
I know that when I first opened the original letter and saw that huge figure I was frightened, so I did what any self-respecting, red-blooded male would do: I got angry. I started pulling out tax documents and forms and papers, rustling them around, searching incoherently, darting this way and feinting that, with no plan or purpose, looking for facts that would allow me to weasel out of this amount. After a few minutes I did what I usually do - went out, sat in the sun for ten minutes, and calmed the fuck down. Step two was to imagine the worst possible outcome - that I owed the full amount, no matter how implausible and unlikely this would be, and sit with that possibility for a minute. When I realized that I would still be alive if this were the case then - and only then - am I able to move ahead in a coherent fashion.
Once I told my sponsor about a horrible possibility. He asked me what was the worst thing that could happen. After I told him he asked: "And what then?"
It was a good question.
Friday, May 31, 2019
Thursday, May 30, 2019
Kill That Bush!
Adze: A cutting tool that has a curved blade set at a right angle to the handle and is used for shaping wood.
Pickaxe: A heavy iron tool with a wooden handle; one end of the head is pointed, one has a chiseled edge.
Mattock: An agricultural tool whose blades are at right angle to the body, similar to a pickaxe.
I wonder if there is anything else in the world that is "similar to a pickaxe?" Would would something diametrically opposed to a pickaxe be?
Three young men were working for a landscape company one summer to earn money for school or maybe for beer. It was hard manual labor, dull in every aspect, but they were young men, easily amused and able to labor in the heat and humidity with lots of bitching but little real complaint. Also, very little money but beer money, anyway.
One day they were given the task of removing some unwanted shrubbery. Bored, they devised a game to make the task more enjoyable. A physical competition, really, a game of strength, common among young men. They decided to call the game Kill That Bush. The rules to Kill That Bush were very simple: Killing the bush in question in under a predetermined number of strikes using a non-power tool of one's choosing.
A match would proceed like this . . .
They young men would ponder the bush, examining it from different angles, speculating on the depth and strength of its roots, eyeing its size.
Young man #1: "I can kill that bush in five swings."
Young man #2: "I can kill that bush in four swings."
Young man #3: "I can kill that bush in three swings."
Young man #1 (screaming): "Kill that bush!!"
At this point young man #3 would have to remove the shrubbery in three swings. Sometimes he could do it and sometimes he couldn't. I suppose there was a payoff to the competition - beer or dope or something - but that isn't important at this point.
In one contest the bidding got all the way down to two swings before the others deferred. It wasn't a very big bush but killing it in two swings is pretty righteous. The young men pondered the bush.
"Adze?" one of them asked.
"An adze is a woodworking tool," one of them answered.
"I think a pickaxe," another remarked.
"Sure, a pickaxe," came the reply. "But why not the mattock?"
This suggestion - being a good one - was met with general approval and was duly adopted. The young man circled the bush, calculating angles and root placement, speculating, figuring. His first swing was a mighty one, separating most of the roots from the bush and nearly lifting it out of the ground. There were shouts of admiration, speculation that two swings - almost a hole in one - might be enough. Sure enough, his second swing lifted the bush out of the ground. He held the mattock high in the air for a long moment, then flipped it away. Babe Ruth admiring the flight of a home run, bat in hand, strolling toward first base, before dropping his stick.
"It's over, it's over!" shrieked the young men.
Pickaxe: A heavy iron tool with a wooden handle; one end of the head is pointed, one has a chiseled edge.
Mattock: An agricultural tool whose blades are at right angle to the body, similar to a pickaxe.
I wonder if there is anything else in the world that is "similar to a pickaxe?" Would would something diametrically opposed to a pickaxe be?
Three young men were working for a landscape company one summer to earn money for school or maybe for beer. It was hard manual labor, dull in every aspect, but they were young men, easily amused and able to labor in the heat and humidity with lots of bitching but little real complaint. Also, very little money but beer money, anyway.
One day they were given the task of removing some unwanted shrubbery. Bored, they devised a game to make the task more enjoyable. A physical competition, really, a game of strength, common among young men. They decided to call the game Kill That Bush. The rules to Kill That Bush were very simple: Killing the bush in question in under a predetermined number of strikes using a non-power tool of one's choosing.
A match would proceed like this . . .
They young men would ponder the bush, examining it from different angles, speculating on the depth and strength of its roots, eyeing its size.
Young man #1: "I can kill that bush in five swings."
Young man #2: "I can kill that bush in four swings."
Young man #3: "I can kill that bush in three swings."
Young man #1 (screaming): "Kill that bush!!"
At this point young man #3 would have to remove the shrubbery in three swings. Sometimes he could do it and sometimes he couldn't. I suppose there was a payoff to the competition - beer or dope or something - but that isn't important at this point.
In one contest the bidding got all the way down to two swings before the others deferred. It wasn't a very big bush but killing it in two swings is pretty righteous. The young men pondered the bush.
"Adze?" one of them asked.
"An adze is a woodworking tool," one of them answered.
"I think a pickaxe," another remarked.
"Sure, a pickaxe," came the reply. "But why not the mattock?"
This suggestion - being a good one - was met with general approval and was duly adopted. The young man circled the bush, calculating angles and root placement, speculating, figuring. His first swing was a mighty one, separating most of the roots from the bush and nearly lifting it out of the ground. There were shouts of admiration, speculation that two swings - almost a hole in one - might be enough. Sure enough, his second swing lifted the bush out of the ground. He held the mattock high in the air for a long moment, then flipped it away. Babe Ruth admiring the flight of a home run, bat in hand, strolling toward first base, before dropping his stick.
"It's over, it's over!" shrieked the young men.
Peaceful Asshole
"From beginningless time we have had a valid awareness, or consciousness, of 'I.' This 'I,' or self, naturally and innately wants happiness and does not want suffering, and this desire is valid - it is true and reasonable. Consequently, all of us have the right to achieve happiness and banish suffering." The Dali Lama
"Boy, I think about myself a lot. A lot." Little Stevie Seaweed.
"Of course, you do." The Dali Lama (Hypothetical projection. The Dali Lama has not given me this advice directly.)
I really like the idea that the first step in an effective meditation practice is developing a just and admirable morality. And don't try to trap me in a circular loop of semantic bullshit about the true nature of morality. Be nice. Don't be an asshole. Don't hate. Love. Be kind. It's not complicated. The point being that if I don't live a moral life, a kind, caring life, then all of the meditation contained in the universe isn't going to help me achieve a freedom from the endless cycle of trying to avoid suffering and trying to obtain pleasure.
I can't be a peaceful asshole. It's hard enough to be peaceful as it is.
"Boy, I think about myself a lot. A lot." Little Stevie Seaweed.
"Of course, you do." The Dali Lama (Hypothetical projection. The Dali Lama has not given me this advice directly.)
I really like the idea that the first step in an effective meditation practice is developing a just and admirable morality. And don't try to trap me in a circular loop of semantic bullshit about the true nature of morality. Be nice. Don't be an asshole. Don't hate. Love. Be kind. It's not complicated. The point being that if I don't live a moral life, a kind, caring life, then all of the meditation contained in the universe isn't going to help me achieve a freedom from the endless cycle of trying to avoid suffering and trying to obtain pleasure.
I can't be a peaceful asshole. It's hard enough to be peaceful as it is.
Wednesday, May 29, 2019
An Afflictive Boil on My Ass
Afflictive: That causes physical or mental pain.
"Oh, it's not the physical pain I'm worried about. I can handle the physical pain. It's the mental pain that would kill me. They'd take me off there in a body bag." Little Westside Jonny, adamant that he wouldn't survive a night on a little, tiny island in the middle of a boggy lake in the middle of the Amazon. (I was just as adamant that I could do it. But then again I've always been a liar.)
The Buddha says that the third type of suffering that can torment us - after outright pain and the cessation of pleasure - is of the afflictive variety. Discovering the three sources of our suffering is The Second Noble Truth - here we learn that afflictive emotions contaminate our behavior in two distinct ways, one that needs to be expressed and one that is best left unsaid. An example of the former would be revealing a painful episode in your past that makes you wary of close personal relationships. An example of the latter would be walking up to a friend and saying: "Your girlfriend is hot - I'd like to sleep with her" or maybe mentioning to an irritant in your morning meeting: "Your are a boil on my ass."
Neither of these need to be said irregardless of how much you would like to say them.
"Oh, it's not the physical pain I'm worried about. I can handle the physical pain. It's the mental pain that would kill me. They'd take me off there in a body bag." Little Westside Jonny, adamant that he wouldn't survive a night on a little, tiny island in the middle of a boggy lake in the middle of the Amazon. (I was just as adamant that I could do it. But then again I've always been a liar.)
The Buddha says that the third type of suffering that can torment us - after outright pain and the cessation of pleasure - is of the afflictive variety. Discovering the three sources of our suffering is The Second Noble Truth - here we learn that afflictive emotions contaminate our behavior in two distinct ways, one that needs to be expressed and one that is best left unsaid. An example of the former would be revealing a painful episode in your past that makes you wary of close personal relationships. An example of the latter would be walking up to a friend and saying: "Your girlfriend is hot - I'd like to sleep with her" or maybe mentioning to an irritant in your morning meeting: "Your are a boil on my ass."
Neither of these need to be said irregardless of how much you would like to say them.
Tuesday, May 28, 2019
Grate. On. My. Nerves.
"At the beginning of our life is birth, during which we suffer, and at the end of our life is death, during which we also suffer. (Ed. Note: Goddammit, another Catch-22.) Between these two come aging and illness. (Ed. Note: Shit, it just keeps getting worse.) No matter how wealthy you are or how physically fit you are, you have to suffer through these circumstances. (Ed. Note: I don't believe it - I think there's a loophole here somewhere. The 'No Pain' loophole' which is quite a loophole. I just have to look harder.) " The Dali Lama
Boy, this Dali Lama character is really starting to grate on my nerves.
"On top of this comes discontentment. You want more and more and more. This, in a sense, is real poverty - always to be hungry, hungry, hungry with no time to be satisfied. Others might not be rich, but contentment provides them with fewer worries, fewer enemies, fewer problems, and very good sleep." The Fucking Dali Lama
I attended a high school that was full of very wealthy kids. And for some of them I really mean very wealthy. Not a car on their sixteenth birthday but a new car, a new sports car. The funny thing is that they were no happier than the families who lived on my very ordinary middle class street.
"Human beings act like machines whose function is to make money. This is absolutely wrong. The purpose of making money is the happiness of humankind, not the other way round. Humans are not for money, money is for humans. We need enough to live, so money is necessary, but we also need to realize that if there is too much attachment to wealth, it does no help at all. As the saints of India and Tibet tell us, the wealthier one becomes, the more suffering one endures." Guess Who?
Boy, this Dali Lama character is really starting to grate on my nerves.
"On top of this comes discontentment. You want more and more and more. This, in a sense, is real poverty - always to be hungry, hungry, hungry with no time to be satisfied. Others might not be rich, but contentment provides them with fewer worries, fewer enemies, fewer problems, and very good sleep." The Fucking Dali Lama
I attended a high school that was full of very wealthy kids. And for some of them I really mean very wealthy. Not a car on their sixteenth birthday but a new car, a new sports car. The funny thing is that they were no happier than the families who lived on my very ordinary middle class street.
"Human beings act like machines whose function is to make money. This is absolutely wrong. The purpose of making money is the happiness of humankind, not the other way round. Humans are not for money, money is for humans. We need enough to live, so money is necessary, but we also need to realize that if there is too much attachment to wealth, it does no help at all. As the saints of India and Tibet tell us, the wealthier one becomes, the more suffering one endures." Guess Who?
Monday, May 27, 2019
Bias, Baby
"Among the most destructive effects that appear later in the behavioral economics library are these:
The Bystander Effect, or our tendency to wait for others to act rather than acting ourselves. Confirmation Bias, by which we seek evidence for what we already understand to be true, such as the promise that . . . life will endure, rather than endure the cognitive pain of reconceptualizing our world.
The Default Effect, or tendency to choose the present option over alternatives, which is related to . . .
The Status Quo Bias, or preference for things as they are, however bad that is.
The Endowment Effect, or instinct to demand more to give up something we have than we actually value it (or had paid to acquire or establish it).
We have an illusion of control, the behavioral economists tell us, and also suffer from overconfidence and an optimism bias. We also have a Pessimism Bias, not that it compensates - instead it pushes us to see challenges as predetermined defeats and to hear alarm . . . as cries of fatalism. The opposite of a cognitive bias, in other words, is not clear thinking but another cognitive bias. We can’t see anything but through cataracts of self-deception."
This information comes from a book that's discussing a societal issue that many think is important but which has gained very little traction politically. It's funny how all of these biases can easily be applied to the alcoholic who is still drinking . . .
The Bystander Effect, or our tendency to wait for others to act rather than acting ourselves. Confirmation Bias, by which we seek evidence for what we already understand to be true, such as the promise that . . . life will endure, rather than endure the cognitive pain of reconceptualizing our world.
The Default Effect, or tendency to choose the present option over alternatives, which is related to . . .
The Status Quo Bias, or preference for things as they are, however bad that is.
The Endowment Effect, or instinct to demand more to give up something we have than we actually value it (or had paid to acquire or establish it).
We have an illusion of control, the behavioral economists tell us, and also suffer from overconfidence and an optimism bias. We also have a Pessimism Bias, not that it compensates - instead it pushes us to see challenges as predetermined defeats and to hear alarm . . . as cries of fatalism. The opposite of a cognitive bias, in other words, is not clear thinking but another cognitive bias. We can’t see anything but through cataracts of self-deception."
This information comes from a book that's discussing a societal issue that many think is important but which has gained very little traction politically. It's funny how all of these biases can easily be applied to the alcoholic who is still drinking . . .
Sunday, May 26, 2019
Attraction Rather Than Promotion
"He is definitely informed that he is not interviewing an evangelist, so that whether he wants to stop drinking or not is most decidedly his own business. There is not the slightest desire or even willingness on my part to settle anybody's moral problems for them. If a person thinks he can drink, let him continue to do so. He may be right, and at any rate it is his own concern, whether he is or not."
"Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion . . . " Alcoholics Anonymous Third Tradition
Attract: To pull toward without touching; to arouse interest.
Promote: To advocate or urge on behalf of something; to attempt to popularize or sell by means of . . . publicity.
Whether you're an alcoholic or not is totally up to you. Whether you want to try The Twelve Steps is entirely up to you. We're not making anything from this Program, other than staying sober in an attempt to pass on some ideas that helped us a lot. We wish the best for you in all your endeavors - if you think these ideas will help then we'll help you give it a try. If not, that's cool today. Go do your own thing. Millions of people who have chosen to stop drinking have done so without our help.
"Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion . . . " Alcoholics Anonymous Third Tradition
Attract: To pull toward without touching; to arouse interest.
Promote: To advocate or urge on behalf of something; to attempt to popularize or sell by means of . . . publicity.
Whether you're an alcoholic or not is totally up to you. Whether you want to try The Twelve Steps is entirely up to you. We're not making anything from this Program, other than staying sober in an attempt to pass on some ideas that helped us a lot. We wish the best for you in all your endeavors - if you think these ideas will help then we'll help you give it a try. If not, that's cool today. Go do your own thing. Millions of people who have chosen to stop drinking have done so without our help.
Karma, Baby
"The first essential requirement for successful treatment is the sincere desire to be helped on the part of the alcoholic himself. Nothing constructive has ever been accomplished or ever will be with men who are dragged or pushed toward curative measures by friends or relatives. Alcoholics are apt to be extremely stubborn people." Richard Peabody
Again, Richard Peabody wrote this stuff in 1930, long before Bill W began to conceptualize Alcoholics Anonymous. I admire that Bill and Dr. Bob both had the willingness to be open-minded about anything that could help a problem drinker get things under control. Bill was a salesman and a relentless promoter, a man with a huge ego who was pretty sure he had a great idea about how to do just about anything, so this willingness to read and study and take advice from others was a powerful part of the formation of our Program.
Karma: A force or law of nature which causes one to reap what one sows.
"Adopt a positive attitude in the face of difficulty. Imagine that by undergoing a difficult situation with grace you are also preventing worse consequences from karmas that you would otherwise have to experience in the future. Take upon yourself the burden of everyone else's suffering of that type." The Dali Lama
And here's Mr. D. Lama, leader of a spiritual philosophy that some scholars believe got going around 2500 BC, hinting that if you go through something difficult then this knowledge and experience may fit you to be of maximum service to a fellow sufferer down the road.
And - wait! there's more! - he seems to be saying something like "if you want to get out of a hole the first thing is to stop digging." If you're a drunk going through a tough time there's nothing that will make things worse than picking up a drink.
Four and a half centuries ago, people.
Again, Richard Peabody wrote this stuff in 1930, long before Bill W began to conceptualize Alcoholics Anonymous. I admire that Bill and Dr. Bob both had the willingness to be open-minded about anything that could help a problem drinker get things under control. Bill was a salesman and a relentless promoter, a man with a huge ego who was pretty sure he had a great idea about how to do just about anything, so this willingness to read and study and take advice from others was a powerful part of the formation of our Program.
Karma: A force or law of nature which causes one to reap what one sows.
"Adopt a positive attitude in the face of difficulty. Imagine that by undergoing a difficult situation with grace you are also preventing worse consequences from karmas that you would otherwise have to experience in the future. Take upon yourself the burden of everyone else's suffering of that type." The Dali Lama
And here's Mr. D. Lama, leader of a spiritual philosophy that some scholars believe got going around 2500 BC, hinting that if you go through something difficult then this knowledge and experience may fit you to be of maximum service to a fellow sufferer down the road.
And - wait! there's more! - he seems to be saying something like "if you want to get out of a hole the first thing is to stop digging." If you're a drunk going through a tough time there's nothing that will make things worse than picking up a drink.
Four and a half centuries ago, people.
Saturday, May 25, 2019
What's For Breakfast?
So I'm intrigued by the Buddhist theory of discontentment, that it falls into three categories: Actual pain (getting poked in the eye with a dessert fork); the diminishment of pain, which we mistake for pleasure (eating a good meal but overeating until you're miserable and all that food ends up as shit, anyway); and pervasive conditioning (I have no idea what this entails and I'm too lazy to study it further at the moment. More will be revealed! Stay tuned for highlights of next week's show where the effects of karma and afflictive emotions are revealed in the shocking season finale!!)
"What we usually experience as pleasure is mostly a diminishment of pain. If good food or drink, for example, really were just pleasurable - if they had an inner nature of pleasure - then no matter how much we ate or drank, we would feel greater and greater happiness in equal measure." The Dali Lama
The more we study different religions and philosophies the more we see how Alcoholics Anonymous is really nothing more than a clever, insightful repackage of ancient spiritual beliefs in a form that resonates with problem drinkers. I've heard Bill W characterized as a Social Architect - a man who combined elements of philosophy, religion, medicine, and social science into a workable formula for the recovery from substance abuse.
"What we usually experience as pleasure is mostly a diminishment of pain. If good food or drink, for example, really were just pleasurable - if they had an inner nature of pleasure - then no matter how much we ate or drank, we would feel greater and greater happiness in equal measure." The Dali Lama
The more we study different religions and philosophies the more we see how Alcoholics Anonymous is really nothing more than a clever, insightful repackage of ancient spiritual beliefs in a form that resonates with problem drinkers. I've heard Bill W characterized as a Social Architect - a man who combined elements of philosophy, religion, medicine, and social science into a workable formula for the recovery from substance abuse.
Friday, May 24, 2019
Chaos, Baby
Chaos: A behavior . . . in which arbitrarily small variations in conditions become magnified over time.
In other words . . . the shit that we get away with when we're starting out on our abnormal drinking careers start to catch up with us.
"Prevented by his habit from living a constructive life, he is unconsciously anxious to make a stir in the world, even though this stir is of a purely destructive nature. Anything is better than oblivion, and so all the fuss that is made about him, as well as the fact that he is a 'serious problem,' is not as distasteful to him as he may imagine." Richard Peabody
By the way Peabody was one of the first to state on the record that there was no cure for alcoholism. He had a big effect on Bill W as he was formulating Alcoholics Anonymous.
"I don't care if you like me or if you hate me as long as you're thinking about me." Stevie Seaweed.
Enough talk about me - what do you think about me?
KAOS was the archenemy of CONTROL, a secretive but inept government agency in "Get Smart."
Alcoholics love chaos. We've lived in worlds marked by chaos. So when we get sober at the start we're attracted to situations and people and places and things that keep the chaos rolling along. Calmness is boring. I'm not opposed to pain as long as I feel like I'm really living.
In other words . . . the shit that we get away with when we're starting out on our abnormal drinking careers start to catch up with us.
"Prevented by his habit from living a constructive life, he is unconsciously anxious to make a stir in the world, even though this stir is of a purely destructive nature. Anything is better than oblivion, and so all the fuss that is made about him, as well as the fact that he is a 'serious problem,' is not as distasteful to him as he may imagine." Richard Peabody
By the way Peabody was one of the first to state on the record that there was no cure for alcoholism. He had a big effect on Bill W as he was formulating Alcoholics Anonymous.
"I don't care if you like me or if you hate me as long as you're thinking about me." Stevie Seaweed.
Enough talk about me - what do you think about me?
KAOS was the archenemy of CONTROL, a secretive but inept government agency in "Get Smart."
Alcoholics love chaos. We've lived in worlds marked by chaos. So when we get sober at the start we're attracted to situations and people and places and things that keep the chaos rolling along. Calmness is boring. I'm not opposed to pain as long as I feel like I'm really living.
Thursday, May 23, 2019
Lobsters Dancing
Will you walk a little faster?" said a whiting to a snail,
"There's a porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail.
See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!
They are waiting on the shingle – will you come and join the dance?Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?
"You can really have no notion how delightful it will be
When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!"
But the snail replied "Too far, too far!" and gave a look askance —
Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the dance.
"What matters it how far we go?" his scaly friend replied.
"There is another shore, you know, upon the other side.
The further off from England the nearer is to France —
Then turn not pale, beloved snail, but come and join the dance.
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?
See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!
They are waiting on the shingle – will you come and join the dance?Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?
"You can really have no notion how delightful it will be
When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!"
But the snail replied "Too far, too far!" and gave a look askance —
Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the dance.
"What matters it how far we go?" his scaly friend replied.
"There is another shore, you know, upon the other side.
The further off from England the nearer is to France —
Then turn not pale, beloved snail, but come and join the dance.
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?
This has nothing to do with anything, this poem from "Alice in Wonderland" by Lewis Carrol (which isn't his real name, btw), but it struck my fancy this morning. And that's how it goes sometimes.
Wednesday, May 22, 2019
Buddhist Alcoholics Anonymous
"Drinking, or an isolated debauch, may follow a specific stimulation, but chronic alcoholism is a pathological method of life and not a mode of revenge, diversion, or even of suicide. The majority of men simply do not choose that means of facing their troubles or of ending their life. The majority of those who drank little or not at all were not in the least tempted by the drug. 'Will Power' rarely had anything to do with their abstinence."
Take that, you self-righteous bastards.
As I see it the main principle of a Buddhist existence is to help others, and if that is not possible, at least to do no harm. Boy, that's pretty basic. It's like saying: "I didn't kill anyone today - I'm a pretty good guy." Then again there's beauty in simplicity - if it's not complicated most reasons to avoid it are removed. Still, if I'm a mostly reformed bank robber I can do better. One armed robbery a week is better than three but there's room for improvement.
More Buddhism for y'all . . . .
The Ten Nonvirtures:
Physical: Killing, stealing, and sexual misconduct.
Verbal: Lying, divisive talk, harsh speech, and senseless chatter.
Mental: Covetousness, harmful intent, and wrong views.
Wrong: Incorrect or untrue.
Wrong: Immoral, not good, bad.
Those are too very different trails. I'm assuming The Buddha is talking about the second definition more so than the first.
Lot of vagueness in "harsh speech" and "senseless chatter," too. I believe I can avoid murder and theft today. I don't plan on lying or sowing the seeds of controversy by mining divisions I perceive in others (Hello? Don't egg an opponent on with political witticisms, no matter how delicious that can be.) I'm not crude in my language (fucking A, dude) and I don't go on and on and on about myself, sharing the excruciating minutia of my uneventful life.
But my intent, my purpose when I act or speak, or think? Whew. I usually behave pretty well and my speech is usually pretty good, too, but the purpose behind my thinking about you and by you I mean y'all that irritate me?
An assassin.
Take that, you self-righteous bastards.
As I see it the main principle of a Buddhist existence is to help others, and if that is not possible, at least to do no harm. Boy, that's pretty basic. It's like saying: "I didn't kill anyone today - I'm a pretty good guy." Then again there's beauty in simplicity - if it's not complicated most reasons to avoid it are removed. Still, if I'm a mostly reformed bank robber I can do better. One armed robbery a week is better than three but there's room for improvement.
More Buddhism for y'all . . . .
The Ten Nonvirtures:
Physical: Killing, stealing, and sexual misconduct.
Verbal: Lying, divisive talk, harsh speech, and senseless chatter.
Mental: Covetousness, harmful intent, and wrong views.
Wrong: Incorrect or untrue.
Wrong: Immoral, not good, bad.
Those are too very different trails. I'm assuming The Buddha is talking about the second definition more so than the first.
Lot of vagueness in "harsh speech" and "senseless chatter," too. I believe I can avoid murder and theft today. I don't plan on lying or sowing the seeds of controversy by mining divisions I perceive in others (Hello? Don't egg an opponent on with political witticisms, no matter how delicious that can be.) I'm not crude in my language (fucking A, dude) and I don't go on and on and on about myself, sharing the excruciating minutia of my uneventful life.
But my intent, my purpose when I act or speak, or think? Whew. I usually behave pretty well and my speech is usually pretty good, too, but the purpose behind my thinking about you and by you I mean y'all that irritate me?
An assassin.
Monday, May 20, 2019
That's Some Catch
"Single Minded Meditation: We must first stop external distractions through training in the morality of maintaining mindfulness and conscientiousness with regard to physical and verbal activities - being constantly aware of what you are doing with your body and your speech. Without overcoming these obvious distractions, it is impossible to overcome subtler internal distractions." The Dali Lama
So I can't just think what I want without regard to other people? Dammit. I can't behave however I want despite my certainty that my behavior is either right or justified?
“There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.
"That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed.
"It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed.”
If I want to be happy then I have to think about other people but when I think about other people it makes me unhappy. So if I think about them I'm doing the right thing but I'm unhappy. But if I don't think about them I'm happy but I'm not doing the right thing which make me unhappy. So my unhappiness with the lives of others means that I'm not doing the right thing because if I was doing the right thing I'd be really unhappy.
"That's some catch, that Catch-22," Seaweed mused.
"It's the best there is."
"Happy, Pappy?" Susan Biddle Ross
“It was miraculous. It was almost no trick at all, he saw, to turn vice into virtue and slander into truth, impotence into abstinence, arrogance into humility, plunder into philanthropy, thievery into honor, blasphemy into wisdom, brutality into patriotism, and sadism into justice. Anybody could do it; it required no brains at all. It merely required no character.”
Remember: it's not a lie if you believe it." George Costanza
Tolerance: An acceptance of or tolerance of the beliefs, opinions, or practises of others.
Intolerance: Indisposed to tolerate contrary opinions or beliefs; denying or refusing the right of private opinion or choice in others.
I'm not going to go into it right now.
So I can't just think what I want without regard to other people? Dammit. I can't behave however I want despite my certainty that my behavior is either right or justified?
“There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.
"That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed.
"It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed.”
If I want to be happy then I have to think about other people but when I think about other people it makes me unhappy. So if I think about them I'm doing the right thing but I'm unhappy. But if I don't think about them I'm happy but I'm not doing the right thing which make me unhappy. So my unhappiness with the lives of others means that I'm not doing the right thing because if I was doing the right thing I'd be really unhappy.
"That's some catch, that Catch-22," Seaweed mused.
"It's the best there is."
"Happy, Pappy?" Susan Biddle Ross
“It was miraculous. It was almost no trick at all, he saw, to turn vice into virtue and slander into truth, impotence into abstinence, arrogance into humility, plunder into philanthropy, thievery into honor, blasphemy into wisdom, brutality into patriotism, and sadism into justice. Anybody could do it; it required no brains at all. It merely required no character.”
Remember: it's not a lie if you believe it." George Costanza
Tolerance: An acceptance of or tolerance of the beliefs, opinions, or practises of others.
Intolerance: Indisposed to tolerate contrary opinions or beliefs; denying or refusing the right of private opinion or choice in others.
I'm not going to go into it right now.
The D of L
"It is important to diminish undisciplined states of mind, but it is even more important to meet adversity with a positive attitude. By greeting trouble with optimism and hope, you are undermining worse troubles down the line. Beyond that, imagine that you are easing the burden of everyone suffering problems of that kind. This practice - imagining that by accepting your pain you are using up the negative karma of everyone destined to feel such pain - is very helpful." The Dali Lama
Wednesday, May 15, 2019
The I.R.S.
I've been sober for almost 32 years. I've been alive for over 62. I have not been a total asshole for a decent percentage of both of those spans. I have some experience at life and I have managed to put good spiritual principles to effective use to help me cope with all kinds of life events, good ones and bad ones - or should I say pleasant ones and painful ones. Alcoholics Anonymous has provided me with a ton of simple slogans and mottoes to help me sort out the pleasure and the pain, to condense my reactions into something practical and easy to remember. Keep it Simple. One Day at a Time. This, Too, Shall Pass. And one of the biggies: It's All God's Money, Anyhow.
Sometimes when I'm repeating this stuff to someone who is under stress I feel a little sheepish. There's nothing worse than hearing a tidy little aphorism when you're suffering, especially when it's coming from someone who doesn't have a lot of crap on their plate. I have a lot of dessert on my plate, frankly, so I'm careful telling a friend who is under financial duress that "It's all god's money, anyhow. If he wants some of it god is just going to take it." That doesn't mean that I don't have a responsibility to be fiscally prudent but rather that whether I end up with some money or some more money or very little money is often out of my hands. There are a lot of forces swirling around out there.
I had a buddy who was going through a divorce recently. His wife was trying to get her hands on some of his money - unreasonably, it seemed to me. I could see he was doing all the right things, behaving well, with no assurance that he wasn't going to get took some. "It's all god's money, anyhow," I'd say, they duck a right cross.
Yesterday I got a letter in the mail from the IRS. The Internal Revenue Service. I briefly reflected on the name, wondering if there is an External Revenue Service.
Service: An act of being of assistance to someone. (Ed. Note: Oh, for chrissake.)
I opened the letter and saw a payment stub with a non-stamped, self-addressed envelope. The amount due read: $31,517.
I'm sorting this out. I think some of it is a service error on the part of the IRS but I'm guessing I made some honest mistakes on my return. After all, the U.S. tax code and associated regulations contain about 5.4 million words, seven times as many as the Bible. I couldn't cheat if I wanted to and even though I want to I try not to. Practice these principles in all my affairs, to coin a phrase.
I had to laugh thinking about my friend. If he had told me that "it's all god's money, anyhow" yesterday I think I'd be running from the law today.
Sometimes when I'm repeating this stuff to someone who is under stress I feel a little sheepish. There's nothing worse than hearing a tidy little aphorism when you're suffering, especially when it's coming from someone who doesn't have a lot of crap on their plate. I have a lot of dessert on my plate, frankly, so I'm careful telling a friend who is under financial duress that "It's all god's money, anyhow. If he wants some of it god is just going to take it." That doesn't mean that I don't have a responsibility to be fiscally prudent but rather that whether I end up with some money or some more money or very little money is often out of my hands. There are a lot of forces swirling around out there.
I had a buddy who was going through a divorce recently. His wife was trying to get her hands on some of his money - unreasonably, it seemed to me. I could see he was doing all the right things, behaving well, with no assurance that he wasn't going to get took some. "It's all god's money, anyhow," I'd say, they duck a right cross.
Yesterday I got a letter in the mail from the IRS. The Internal Revenue Service. I briefly reflected on the name, wondering if there is an External Revenue Service.
Service: An act of being of assistance to someone. (Ed. Note: Oh, for chrissake.)
I opened the letter and saw a payment stub with a non-stamped, self-addressed envelope. The amount due read: $31,517.
I'm sorting this out. I think some of it is a service error on the part of the IRS but I'm guessing I made some honest mistakes on my return. After all, the U.S. tax code and associated regulations contain about 5.4 million words, seven times as many as the Bible. I couldn't cheat if I wanted to and even though I want to I try not to. Practice these principles in all my affairs, to coin a phrase.
I had to laugh thinking about my friend. If he had told me that "it's all god's money, anyhow" yesterday I think I'd be running from the law today.
Tuesday, May 14, 2019
Justifying Gossip
More reflections on discussing the affairs, personality quirks, and monstrous and obvious defects of my friends and enemies, colleagues and rivals, mentors and slaves . . .
I was talking with Willie yesterday about nothing in particular. This is not unusual because we're not very interesting people although we secretly like to think that we are. Anyway, we enjoy presenting ourselves as sort of suburban counter-culture warriors. Neither of us takes a ton of satisfaction in things that most people cherish as a normal part of an adult life - behaving traditionally, raising children and being a spouse, giving a flying fuck about the business world, remembering and celebrating birthdays and mother's day and anniversaries. It has been helpful over the years bouncing these attitudes about life around with someone who sees the world in a similar vein.
The gossiping part of this screed centers around a friend we have in common who isn't like this at all - very traditional, very much living a life of routine and repetition. But he's kind of a bozo - a big child living in an adult world. I think it has been helpful reflecting on his lifestyle and comparing it to our own. I hope that when we talk about the dude we aren't being critical or demeaning - we say we aren't, in any case although I suspect there is a darker purpose hiding beneath our self-congratulatory attitudes. This man is really good at the things that Willie and I sniff at but he's not so good at the things where we've succeeded, despite our attempts to pretend that we're bad-ass, easy-rider outcasts. From time to time we have to point out to each other that we're really pretty good adults, behavior-wise, despite our secret lives as dudes paddling upstream just because we like the idea that we're going against the flow.
Willie, for instance, has been married a while, has two sons who appear to be well-adjusted, has worked successfully for a long time for the same company where he is well-regarded, pays his mortgage and taxes and cuts his grass. Every time we talk to the traditional guy we hear stories of implausible business adventures or odd educational pursuits.
I wonder what's best - someone traditional on the surface but a bit dysfunctional in the deeper sense or someone who speaks chaos and destruction yet shows up regularly in a normal sense. I guess I'd rather have someone working for me who doesn't give a shit about the business world but shows up and gets the job done than some dude who is fully invested in the lifestyle but can't focus on what's important long enough to move forward at all.
That's just me, justifying away.
I was talking with Willie yesterday about nothing in particular. This is not unusual because we're not very interesting people although we secretly like to think that we are. Anyway, we enjoy presenting ourselves as sort of suburban counter-culture warriors. Neither of us takes a ton of satisfaction in things that most people cherish as a normal part of an adult life - behaving traditionally, raising children and being a spouse, giving a flying fuck about the business world, remembering and celebrating birthdays and mother's day and anniversaries. It has been helpful over the years bouncing these attitudes about life around with someone who sees the world in a similar vein.
The gossiping part of this screed centers around a friend we have in common who isn't like this at all - very traditional, very much living a life of routine and repetition. But he's kind of a bozo - a big child living in an adult world. I think it has been helpful reflecting on his lifestyle and comparing it to our own. I hope that when we talk about the dude we aren't being critical or demeaning - we say we aren't, in any case although I suspect there is a darker purpose hiding beneath our self-congratulatory attitudes. This man is really good at the things that Willie and I sniff at but he's not so good at the things where we've succeeded, despite our attempts to pretend that we're bad-ass, easy-rider outcasts. From time to time we have to point out to each other that we're really pretty good adults, behavior-wise, despite our secret lives as dudes paddling upstream just because we like the idea that we're going against the flow.
Willie, for instance, has been married a while, has two sons who appear to be well-adjusted, has worked successfully for a long time for the same company where he is well-regarded, pays his mortgage and taxes and cuts his grass. Every time we talk to the traditional guy we hear stories of implausible business adventures or odd educational pursuits.
I wonder what's best - someone traditional on the surface but a bit dysfunctional in the deeper sense or someone who speaks chaos and destruction yet shows up regularly in a normal sense. I guess I'd rather have someone working for me who doesn't give a shit about the business world but shows up and gets the job done than some dude who is fully invested in the lifestyle but can't focus on what's important long enough to move forward at all.
That's just me, justifying away.
Monday, May 13, 2019
The Talker
Gossip: Idle talk about someone's private or personal matters, especially someone not present.
There's a dude at my fitness club that talks a lot. I mean he really, really, really talks a lot. He talks too much, in fact. He's one of those guys that unleashes a torrent of trivia and personal minutia about himself as soon as he sees you, never pausing for air, never engaging anyone else present, a veritable flood of flotsam and jetsam. I can hear him telling a story in another corner of the locker room, secure in the knowledge that if he sees me he'll repeat the story word for word. I can also hear him talking loudly, sharing the same information in whatever nook or cranny he next occupies, stupefying some other unwilling victim, no doubt. I try to avoid him usually although I get along with him just fine. He's not a jerk - he's boring.
Flotsam: Debris floating in a river or sea, particularly debris from a shipwreck.
Jetsam: Articles thrown overboard from a ship or boat in order to lighten the load of a ship in distress. (Ed. Note: Technically jetsam could very well be flotsam, but never the other way around.)
He recently went to Europe on a tour with another guy I know from the club. I saw this man in the pool yesterday so I asked him when he got back. He stopped his lap swimming, took off his goggles, and vented a huge amount of frustration at what a nightmare it was like traveling with The Talker. I mean he was pissed. He was incensed. Personally, I wouldn't have gone with The Talker if you'd paid for my trip so I wasn't surprised to hear the tales that were told. I have no doubt they were true and unembellished.
"I should have listened to you, David," he sputtered. (Ed. Note: he calls me different names, cycling back and forth between Seaweed and David most recently. I used to remind him what my real name was - now I permit him to let it rip. I find it kind of endearing. It's a little vacation from myself.)
I gathered from what I could decipher from his broken English that I had intimated that The Talker would be a poor traveling companion. I am pondering this assertion. I find it unlikely. I take great, powerful pains to never talk about another person who isn't present to moderate my thoughts. Generally speaking, if I wouldn't say it with the person standing right there I don't say it. Now, granted, sometimes I vent my spleen (Ed. Note: The spleen was once thought to be the organ that was the receptacle of ill humor and melancholy) in a conversation with SuperK or my AA sponsor - we all get annoyed at other people from time to time and we all need to do some spleen-venting about these annoying people who undoubtedly deserve to be the target of my . . . er . . . our ire. I may have dithered about traveling with someone who I didn't know extremely well - I think the care in selecting a good international traveling companion is right up there with marriage and bondage and long term incarceration vis-a-vis having a good partner. I'd be more comfortable sharing a jail cell with a murderer for a few years than chancing it on vacation.
If my cell mate was an asshole I'd figure what can you do? But if you ruin my vacation . . . well, that's unforgivable.
There's a dude at my fitness club that talks a lot. I mean he really, really, really talks a lot. He talks too much, in fact. He's one of those guys that unleashes a torrent of trivia and personal minutia about himself as soon as he sees you, never pausing for air, never engaging anyone else present, a veritable flood of flotsam and jetsam. I can hear him telling a story in another corner of the locker room, secure in the knowledge that if he sees me he'll repeat the story word for word. I can also hear him talking loudly, sharing the same information in whatever nook or cranny he next occupies, stupefying some other unwilling victim, no doubt. I try to avoid him usually although I get along with him just fine. He's not a jerk - he's boring.
Flotsam: Debris floating in a river or sea, particularly debris from a shipwreck.
Jetsam: Articles thrown overboard from a ship or boat in order to lighten the load of a ship in distress. (Ed. Note: Technically jetsam could very well be flotsam, but never the other way around.)
He recently went to Europe on a tour with another guy I know from the club. I saw this man in the pool yesterday so I asked him when he got back. He stopped his lap swimming, took off his goggles, and vented a huge amount of frustration at what a nightmare it was like traveling with The Talker. I mean he was pissed. He was incensed. Personally, I wouldn't have gone with The Talker if you'd paid for my trip so I wasn't surprised to hear the tales that were told. I have no doubt they were true and unembellished.
"I should have listened to you, David," he sputtered. (Ed. Note: he calls me different names, cycling back and forth between Seaweed and David most recently. I used to remind him what my real name was - now I permit him to let it rip. I find it kind of endearing. It's a little vacation from myself.)
I gathered from what I could decipher from his broken English that I had intimated that The Talker would be a poor traveling companion. I am pondering this assertion. I find it unlikely. I take great, powerful pains to never talk about another person who isn't present to moderate my thoughts. Generally speaking, if I wouldn't say it with the person standing right there I don't say it. Now, granted, sometimes I vent my spleen (Ed. Note: The spleen was once thought to be the organ that was the receptacle of ill humor and melancholy) in a conversation with SuperK or my AA sponsor - we all get annoyed at other people from time to time and we all need to do some spleen-venting about these annoying people who undoubtedly deserve to be the target of my . . . er . . . our ire. I may have dithered about traveling with someone who I didn't know extremely well - I think the care in selecting a good international traveling companion is right up there with marriage and bondage and long term incarceration vis-a-vis having a good partner. I'd be more comfortable sharing a jail cell with a murderer for a few years than chancing it on vacation.
If my cell mate was an asshole I'd figure what can you do? But if you ruin my vacation . . . well, that's unforgivable.
Wednesday, May 8, 2019
The Kirghiz Chicks
I've written a bit about the three women from Kyrgyzstan who were on the cruise that SuperK and I took. I'm friends with two of them on FB and one of them sends me thoughtful emails from time to time.
First of all, the GDP of Kyrgyzstan is under 8 billion dollars per year with an average salary of $1200 for each resident. The GDP of Los Angeles County is 700 billion dollars. So one of my buddies celebrated a birthday and she asked that in lieu of gifts that people contribute to a non-profit fundraiser to help protect the world's oceans. The amount she was trying to raise was . . . $50. I immediately contributed $50. Now I see that with only two days left she has raised a grand total of $50.
Maybe I shouldn't have made that large donation so early in her fundraiser? That is the equivalent of two weeks worth of wages in her country. I didn't mean to be showy - I just wanted her to make the goal. Here's this 25 year old, traveling 10 months out of the year - straight! - asking that people celebrate her birthday by protecting oceans. I mean . . . blew me away. I live in the richest country in the world - by far - and I've never heard of such a thing. No one that I know has ever requested something like that.
One of the other women casually mentioned that she spent a year volunteering in a school in Brazil. Let me repeat that: volunteering - for free - in a school in a poor area of another country.
I just can't believe these people. Who are these people?
The Sources of Pain
"The neurotic personality is one whose primitive instincts have been modified to meet social demands only with painful difficulty." Karl Menninger
"Men and women drink because essentially they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after time differentiate the true from the false." Big Book of AA
Boy, that sense that what I was doing was none too smart seems to be common in The Fellowship as is that sense that my drinking was pathological in some way. Or aberrant, a mistaken solution for my problems of unease and dis-ease. Boy, did it work for a while. I felt uncomfortable; I drank; I was at peace. That is not the effect of consuming alcohol that a non-alcoholic would report.
"Suffering is like a disease we have all contracted. To find the cure we must carefully identify the full scope of the disease: pain, change, and pervasive conditioning." The Dali Lama
Pain I get. Pretty straightforward: a headache or stubbing my toe or losing a loved one. Change is a little more opaque: the idea that even things that bring me pleasure contain a kernel of pain at their core. This is why a new television, something that brings me pleasure at the start, becomes tiresome and boring. The pain is latent in the television.
Pervasive conditioning? Way above my pain grade.
"Men and women drink because essentially they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after time differentiate the true from the false." Big Book of AA
Boy, that sense that what I was doing was none too smart seems to be common in The Fellowship as is that sense that my drinking was pathological in some way. Or aberrant, a mistaken solution for my problems of unease and dis-ease. Boy, did it work for a while. I felt uncomfortable; I drank; I was at peace. That is not the effect of consuming alcohol that a non-alcoholic would report.
"Suffering is like a disease we have all contracted. To find the cure we must carefully identify the full scope of the disease: pain, change, and pervasive conditioning." The Dali Lama
Pain I get. Pretty straightforward: a headache or stubbing my toe or losing a loved one. Change is a little more opaque: the idea that even things that bring me pleasure contain a kernel of pain at their core. This is why a new television, something that brings me pleasure at the start, becomes tiresome and boring. The pain is latent in the television.
Pervasive conditioning? Way above my pain grade.
Sunday, May 5, 2019
Good V Evil
Morality: The mental disposition or characteristic of behaving in a manner intended to produce morally good results; respect for and obedience to the rules of right conduct.
Here's what The Buddha says: We need to be constantly aware of what we are doing with our body and with our speech - the practice of morality must precede the practice of concentrated meditation.
Or in AA-speak: If you want to have self-esteem start doing esteemable things.
I really like this idea that the practice of meditation - of trying to draw closer to my god or higher spirit - requires that I start to behave in a morally conscientious manner. How many times have I run into someone in The Fellowship who speaks platitude while practicing racism or selfish sexual behavior? If I want to strangle the shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it then my Quiet Time is not going to bring me much peace. I've installed a firewall of steel and poisonous snakes between my god and me - whatever god is saying to me isn't going to get through or it's going to come out in tatters and shattered, burnt.
Here's what The Buddha says: We need to be constantly aware of what we are doing with our body and with our speech - the practice of morality must precede the practice of concentrated meditation.
Or in AA-speak: If you want to have self-esteem start doing esteemable things.
I really like this idea that the practice of meditation - of trying to draw closer to my god or higher spirit - requires that I start to behave in a morally conscientious manner. How many times have I run into someone in The Fellowship who speaks platitude while practicing racism or selfish sexual behavior? If I want to strangle the shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it then my Quiet Time is not going to bring me much peace. I've installed a firewall of steel and poisonous snakes between my god and me - whatever god is saying to me isn't going to get through or it's going to come out in tatters and shattered, burnt.
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