Am I A Dick?

 At the end of the day have I made the world a little better or a little worse?  That's a simple question and not one that's too hard to suss out.  Am I part of the solution or am I part of the problem?  Am I part of the disease or part of the cure?

Many years ago I got into a minor tiff with an airline employee.  I was fairly pissed but pretty restrained.  Or so I thought.

"Was that okay?" I asked SuperK.  "Was I a dick?"

"You were a dick," she said.  "You were a dick and you know exactly what I'm talking about."

I guess I thought that I should be slapped on the back because my behavior was so much less dickish than it used to be.  Sometimes, from time to time and on occasion, we need to stand up for ourselves.  The party trick is to do this with grace and courtesy and on the rare occasions when we actually do need to stand up for ourselves.  I'm pretty good at this but there's always room for improvement.

And now some words of wisdom from my favorite sage: Homer Simpson.

Homer (Self-righteously): "No, Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form.  He never has and he never will."

Marge:"You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application."

Homer (Patronizingly): "Yeah, but they were part of a single ball of lies."

It's Not Them - It's You

 "I am not at the mercy of fate or buffeted about by life. I am being led in a very definite way, as I try to rebuild my life. Only a few more steps and then the way forward shall be seen and known in my life. I am now walking in darkness, surrounded by the limitations of space and time. But even in this darkness I can have faith. I will wait for guidance on each important decision. I will meet the test of waiting until a thing seems right before I do it. The guidance will come, if I wait for it."

I took a phone call yesterday from a guy who has about a year in The Program. His sponsor is out of town so he asked if I would step in and fill the void for a week or so. I told him that, actually, I've been lost in the void or a void for years and years so might not be his best resource but he wasn't to be deterred. The call centered around problems he's having at work and in a relationship with a woman and since I know him a little bit I can assure you that he has one problem and it has nothing to do with his work colleagues or any other person walking this green earth.

I believe that the two areas in human relationships that cause us the most problem - and give us the most joy - can be found in our family lives and our work lives. We're around these groups of people the most and because we don't have a good track record of behaving well in groups of people things can go sideways in a hurry. This guy is not currently a great employee and he has no business being in a relationship with anything more complicated than a cat but it wouldn't be helpful for me to point that out. We're hard enough on ourselves without anyone else piling on.

When I was getting sober and after some time in sobriety and after a lot of time being sober and then almost every day up to and including today I've come to believe that I'm The Problem so whenever I have difficulties with other people I just assume it's me. This generally works out because it usually is me. The gift is that it makes me quit pointing the finger at other people, places, and things which are none of my business anyhow. I needed to stop pointing my finger at anyone but my own reflection in the mirror. I'm so quick to take offense or to assume the worst motives in the behavior of others that it's best if I simply say: "This is me. This is me screwing up. This isn't you." Even in the cases where this isn't the case - when it really IS them - I still find it more productive to work on me.

Great story I've repeated many times and this is one that actually happened and that I didn't make up. A friend wore his sponsor out bitching about some tiresome problem he was having. One day his sponsor picked up the phone and said: "It's not them - it's you" and hung up.

Serious Seaweed is Dead

Serious: Without humor or expression of happiness; grave in manner or disposition.

"I do not look upon the promise of serenity as referring only to the afterlife. I do not look upon this life as something to be struggled through. In temporal and material things, I must submit to limitations. I know that I cannot see the road ahead. I must go just one step at a time, because God does not grant me a longer view. I believe that in the spiritual world, as in the material world, there is no empty space. As fears and worries and resentments depart out of my life, the things of the spirit come in to take their places."

One of the great gifts of my sobriety is that I have gained the ability to laugh at myself. Boy, did I take myself seriously when I was drinking. Everything was a huge fucking deal. I was offended easily. I took offense when none was intended. I assumed every word and action was meant to criticize me in some way and if you had the gall to laugh at me, man where you on my permanent shit list. Today I roar out loud at the stuff I do. If I stumble over a curb or walk around with a schmear of mustard on my face or forget to close the old barn door after I take a leak I draw attention to it. I'm ridiculous, you're ridiculous, we're all ridiculous from time to time. And because I laugh at myself so easily people let me talk to them in a way that would have caused a fistfight in the day. People like to have a lighthearted view of themselves. They usually enjoy having their foibles exposed.

A friend of mine here in Ventura once said: "Seaweed, I am immune to your sarcasm." Willie interrupted me once after a meeting in Cincinnati as I was scorching his hide in front of a new guy: "This is what Seaweed does when he loves you. It's how he expresses his affection."

If I'm abusing you then I love you. I get away with this because you cannot offend me. I just don't take myself seriously any more.

Be Of Service

During my Quiet Time each morning I always add the request that I be shown a way to be of service to someone.  We often pray for the still-suffering alcoholic but this request is broader, more inclusive.  I want to be one of those people that has good energy boiling off me.  I want to make people smile and laugh and feel better about everything.  I want people to say: "That son of a bitch is OK by me."  This sounds complicated but is remarkably easy to achieve.  It's amazing how a smile or a kind word or a goofy joke can brighten the expression on someone's face.

After the meeting this morning I parked my car in a downtown lot and started to make my way down to the beach for a walk.  (Yeah, I know, I've got it rough.)  Another man got out of his car about the same time and as we exited the lot we nodded at each other and said hello.

"How ya' doin'?" I asked.

He was fine and inquired after my well-being.

My answer these days is inevitably along the lines of "I've never had a bad day" or "I'm great - I rarely have bad days."  Try it some time - it has never produced a bad reaction.

This dude and I talked for a bit.  He was giving off a strong spiritual vibe so I asked him how he came to acquire such wisdom.

"My wife recently died of pancreatic cancer," he replied.

"Well," I said.  "It only took me fifteen years of heavy drug and alcohol use to bring me to my knees.  The stuff you're saying reminds me a lot of the perspective we get by attending meetings."

We introduced ourselves.  I told him he had made my day.  I'll probably never see him again.  He lightened my already light load and I bet he'd say the same about me.

Children of Chaos

 "I will try to keep my life calm and unruffled. This is my great task, to find peace and acquire serenity. I must not harbor disturbing thoughts. No matter what fears, worries, and resentments I may have, I must try to think of constructive things, until calmness comes. I believe that in the spiritual world, as in the material world, there is no empty space. As fears and worries and resentments depart out of my life, the things of the spirit come in to take their places."

Whew, I hear you and what a load of bullshit, all at the same time. The Book calls us Children of Chaos. We are folks used to living on the edge. We're risk takers and adrenaline junkies and we like to be in the middle of the action so being calm and slow and restful is not our thing. One of the hardest habits I've had to acquire has been some kind of effective meditation. My brain is on the move, dude, and it wants a scrap. It wants to find defects and problems and exalt in them. I mean, seriously, there are a lot of idiots and assholes out there who deserve my dismissive scorn, and I'm supposed to clear my mind of these negative thoughts?

I like the idea that matter abhors a vacuum. If you put a trillion molecules of propane in a closed box they will eventually disperse evenly throughout the whole space. If I'm concentrating on what's wrong there's no room for peace and gratitude to enter.