Fight: To try to overpower; to fiercely counteract.
Struggle: Strife; contention; great effort.
"When you love someone, you love the person as they are, and not as you'd like them to be." Leo Tolstoy
I need to love people for who they are and not for who I want them to be.
This is another one of those sayings that I need to keep saying because if I forget to say it I find myself wondering how to change other people to fit my standards. Never a good idea. Not a good working idea. Does not work, despite my diligent efforts.
I have been pondering my irritation with the sub-group of my regular group who really, really don't like how the world is playing out right now. Again, I say: I understand this. There are a lot of frustrating, restrictive, poorly understood things going on.
Well, welcome to life.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change.
There is a lot of tension in this short sentence. It implies that I should/can/might want to change things that I do not like while implying that I need to chill the hell out when I find this isn't possible and, boy, is it not possible a lot of the time. I'm sorry to see so many good, solid AAs so frustrated with the state of the world right now that they're allowing this frustration to leak out into meetings. I've got a lot of friends - like the young man quoted above - with whom I disagree on matters political, religious, social, and moral but with whom I get along with fine because we leave this crap out of our recovery circle.
"Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy." Tradition Ten Alcoholics Anonymous
Normal: Ordinary or usual; the same as would be expected.
I know I'm flogging this definition to death but it has some extra-special serious meaning for me right now. Sometimes an ordinary, regular thing that is always the same isn't the best situation. Slavery used to be normal, for chrissake, but no one thinks we should go back to that state of affairs. Sometimes changing things mean the changed things get better.
Sunday, June 28, 2020
Edgy
More AA during the pandemic . . .
Edgy: On the boundary between acceptable and offensive; pushing the boundaries of good taste.
"Sometimes when I see those people who always have to have a mask on I just want to smash them in the face."
I heard this in my morning meeting today. This is one of those meetings with which I have a Love/Hate relationship. You know the kind - half the people there make me mental and half are my family. Well, they're all my family but sometimes family makes me blanch. I know this guy was trying to be funny - and he frequently is - and I know he was trying to be edgy funny - and he frequently is not. Edgy is hard to do. Sometimes edgy can just be edgy.
Unfortunately I see the sharp division in our society drifting into AA. I hope we know what we're doing. I realize there are people who think the entire pandemic is overblown and politically motivated. Unfortunately, these aren't the scientists or medical professionals. We have members who are older or who are immunologically compromised or are around family members who fall into these one of these categories so I'm not sure that suggesting that if they show up at a meeting that a young guy who's occasionally called "Angry [Insert Name Here]" might smash them in the face is such a good idea.
Then I go to a business meeting. This never ends well for me. Apparently - incredibly - despite the fact that we have been repeatedly saying that the church where we meet hasn't been charging us rent that they do, in fact, want their rent money, or at least half of it. This is a pretty big sum of money. My inclination is to tell the church to go fuck themselves. I also spent some time thinking it through and I realize they've been a good partner and that replacing a seven-day-a-week meeting place on short notice might be hard. Also, they might be struggling for money, too, although I fail to see why that should fall on AA.
I believe, of course, that the almost unanimous decision was to immediately pay the amount requested which will take a chunk out of our prudent reserve. Practically speaking this is probably what a prudent reserve is for but that balm doesn't salve my burn much. The amusing side note is that this is like the only meeting I've ever attended that can't manage to collect ONE dollar per attendee, let alone two. I tossed my two bucks in the basket for a few year, watching the homeless people pour nineteen little containers of specialty creamer into their coffee before deciding that I'd toss in a buck to pay for my portion of the rent and then give the second dollar to the treasury of smaller meetings that I attend.
Who's not getting his way? Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy not getting his way?
I believe that I am an individual who should go to a lot of different meetings. I sure get annoyed at the personalities who show up every day at the same meeting. That, to me, is behavior bordering on the deranged.
Edgy: On the boundary between acceptable and offensive; pushing the boundaries of good taste.
"Sometimes when I see those people who always have to have a mask on I just want to smash them in the face."
I heard this in my morning meeting today. This is one of those meetings with which I have a Love/Hate relationship. You know the kind - half the people there make me mental and half are my family. Well, they're all my family but sometimes family makes me blanch. I know this guy was trying to be funny - and he frequently is - and I know he was trying to be edgy funny - and he frequently is not. Edgy is hard to do. Sometimes edgy can just be edgy.
Unfortunately I see the sharp division in our society drifting into AA. I hope we know what we're doing. I realize there are people who think the entire pandemic is overblown and politically motivated. Unfortunately, these aren't the scientists or medical professionals. We have members who are older or who are immunologically compromised or are around family members who fall into these one of these categories so I'm not sure that suggesting that if they show up at a meeting that a young guy who's occasionally called "Angry [Insert Name Here]" might smash them in the face is such a good idea.
Then I go to a business meeting. This never ends well for me. Apparently - incredibly - despite the fact that we have been repeatedly saying that the church where we meet hasn't been charging us rent that they do, in fact, want their rent money, or at least half of it. This is a pretty big sum of money. My inclination is to tell the church to go fuck themselves. I also spent some time thinking it through and I realize they've been a good partner and that replacing a seven-day-a-week meeting place on short notice might be hard. Also, they might be struggling for money, too, although I fail to see why that should fall on AA.
I believe, of course, that the almost unanimous decision was to immediately pay the amount requested which will take a chunk out of our prudent reserve. Practically speaking this is probably what a prudent reserve is for but that balm doesn't salve my burn much. The amusing side note is that this is like the only meeting I've ever attended that can't manage to collect ONE dollar per attendee, let alone two. I tossed my two bucks in the basket for a few year, watching the homeless people pour nineteen little containers of specialty creamer into their coffee before deciding that I'd toss in a buck to pay for my portion of the rent and then give the second dollar to the treasury of smaller meetings that I attend.
Who's not getting his way? Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy not getting his way?
I believe that I am an individual who should go to a lot of different meetings. I sure get annoyed at the personalities who show up every day at the same meeting. That, to me, is behavior bordering on the deranged.
Friday, June 26, 2020
The Sole Isolater
Isolation: The state of being set apart or cut off from others.
Solitude: The state of being alone or solitary, by oneself.
We read from the Fifth Step this morning. You know - the talking to another person Step. Yuck.
People. They're the worst.
I make sure that I am able to be alone some of the time in each day. People drain my energy and solitude recharges me. There is, however, too much solitude. This I avoid.
I share the story often of a man coming over to me after a meeting and asking about something that I had apparently shared the previous week - a job interview or a visit with my parents or some other weighty event. I stared at him blankly, trying to figure out who the hell he was. I didn't recall ever having seen him before. The thing is that he was actually listening when I spoke, a technique with which I was unfamiliar. The listening to someone else part. I was far too busy thinking about what I was going to say as soon as the idiot who was talking quit talking so I could talk.
I figured I had better start paying attention to what I was saying because people were listening to what I was saying. It put a real crimp in my lying, especially because I forgot most of what I had lied about.
One of the aphorisms I strove diligently to apply in the sales game was: Tell them what you're going to tell them. Tell them. Tell them what you told them. The implication here, of course, is that I'm not the only person who does a shitty job of listening. The stuff I sold was complicated enough that if my audience wasn't paying attention all was lost.
I also got good at discerning whether my clients were listening or just waiting for me to stop talking so they could say what they wanted to say. I could see when they were almost holding their breath, saving energy for a big retching out of critical, important, indispensable information that usually had absolutely no bearing on the situation at hand. Didn't matter. I wasn't going to get anywhere until the person got to talk.
Solitude: The state of being alone or solitary, by oneself.
We read from the Fifth Step this morning. You know - the talking to another person Step. Yuck.
People. They're the worst.
I make sure that I am able to be alone some of the time in each day. People drain my energy and solitude recharges me. There is, however, too much solitude. This I avoid.
I share the story often of a man coming over to me after a meeting and asking about something that I had apparently shared the previous week - a job interview or a visit with my parents or some other weighty event. I stared at him blankly, trying to figure out who the hell he was. I didn't recall ever having seen him before. The thing is that he was actually listening when I spoke, a technique with which I was unfamiliar. The listening to someone else part. I was far too busy thinking about what I was going to say as soon as the idiot who was talking quit talking so I could talk.
I figured I had better start paying attention to what I was saying because people were listening to what I was saying. It put a real crimp in my lying, especially because I forgot most of what I had lied about.
One of the aphorisms I strove diligently to apply in the sales game was: Tell them what you're going to tell them. Tell them. Tell them what you told them. The implication here, of course, is that I'm not the only person who does a shitty job of listening. The stuff I sold was complicated enough that if my audience wasn't paying attention all was lost.
I also got good at discerning whether my clients were listening or just waiting for me to stop talking so they could say what they wanted to say. I could see when they were almost holding their breath, saving energy for a big retching out of critical, important, indispensable information that usually had absolutely no bearing on the situation at hand. Didn't matter. I wasn't going to get anywhere until the person got to talk.
Thursday, June 25, 2020
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change.
The courage to change the things that I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Serenity: The state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled.
Accept: Receive as adequate, valid, or suitable; to receive (something offered) willingly.
Courage: The ability to do something that frightens one.
Wisdom: The quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment.
I'm always a little surprised at the implications of the word "accept." To me it implies that I'm being forced to take something unpleasant against my will, but it really means that I'm receiving willingly, that I'm seeing that what I'm getting is the right thing. I'm drawn to the constructs of accepting punishment or accepting a beating or accepting that I'm not going to get what I want which is obviously unfair.
I also like that wisdom is a combination of book smarts, life experience, and the ability to combine the two so that I make good decisions.
I think the tricky part of The Serenity Prayer surfaces in the last segment. I have the tendency to batter the holy shit out of anything I see as an obstacle and only when I've done everything in my power to get my way do I "accept" my fate, frustrated and angry.
Not the idea. Not a happy application of "serenity" into my life. It is The Serenity Prayer, after all. It isn't The Spend All Day Pissed Off Because I Didn't Get My Way Prayer.
When I spend some time pondering AA I believe that Bill and Bob and the first few hundred members weren't recreating the wheel. Most of the stuff in our literature - especially the spiritual stuff - has been around for a long time and can be found in all kinds of spiritual and theological texts. They didn't discover inventories and sharing yourself with others or the power of a higher . . . . well, power. They were more along the lines of social architects - combining spirituality, medicine, psychology, sociology, and various theories of addiction treatment into a form that made sense to alcoholics and was therefore effective.
Personally, I believe that the words in our texts are God-inspired. Look 'em up - you'll be amazed at how the nuances in the definitions really make the literature sparkle.
The courage to change the things that I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Serenity: The state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled.
Accept: Receive as adequate, valid, or suitable; to receive (something offered) willingly.
Courage: The ability to do something that frightens one.
Wisdom: The quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment.
I'm always a little surprised at the implications of the word "accept." To me it implies that I'm being forced to take something unpleasant against my will, but it really means that I'm receiving willingly, that I'm seeing that what I'm getting is the right thing. I'm drawn to the constructs of accepting punishment or accepting a beating or accepting that I'm not going to get what I want which is obviously unfair.
I also like that wisdom is a combination of book smarts, life experience, and the ability to combine the two so that I make good decisions.
I think the tricky part of The Serenity Prayer surfaces in the last segment. I have the tendency to batter the holy shit out of anything I see as an obstacle and only when I've done everything in my power to get my way do I "accept" my fate, frustrated and angry.
Not the idea. Not a happy application of "serenity" into my life. It is The Serenity Prayer, after all. It isn't The Spend All Day Pissed Off Because I Didn't Get My Way Prayer.
When I spend some time pondering AA I believe that Bill and Bob and the first few hundred members weren't recreating the wheel. Most of the stuff in our literature - especially the spiritual stuff - has been around for a long time and can be found in all kinds of spiritual and theological texts. They didn't discover inventories and sharing yourself with others or the power of a higher . . . . well, power. They were more along the lines of social architects - combining spirituality, medicine, psychology, sociology, and various theories of addiction treatment into a form that made sense to alcoholics and was therefore effective.
Personally, I believe that the words in our texts are God-inspired. Look 'em up - you'll be amazed at how the nuances in the definitions really make the literature sparkle.
Wednesday, June 24, 2020
The Common Sense of Drinking
I've mentioned Richard Peabody before - the italicized phrases below are from a book of his called "The Common Sense of Drinking" which was written in 1931 and had a profound effect on Bill W. Indeed, you can find concepts that litter the AA literature all through his book. Peabody was the first individual who posited in a published book that there was no cure for alcoholism.
Here's some stuff . . .
On The Wagon: 'On the wagon' was coined in the USA around the turn of the 20th century. The phrase began as 'on the water-cart', migrated to 'on the water-wagon' and finally to 'on the wagon'. Those who had vowed to give up drink and were tempted to lapse said that they would drink from the water-cart rather than take strong drink.
It does little good for a man to endeavor to eliminate his habit until he considers it a sound, sensible, and desirable thing to do; something he would like to accomplish for his own sake; however difficult it may seem. Incidentally for a man who is willing to buckle down to work the 'work' is always exaggerated at the beginning.
How often do we hear that the practicing alcoholic needs to get sober for him or herself and not for the sake of someone else?
Stinking Thinking: A bad way of thinking, that makes you believe you will fail, that bad things will happen to you, or that you are not a very good person.
Negative thoughts, given the chance, arise all to swiftly. For emphasis I repeat: it is of supreme importance that positive thinking be employed whenever the subject comes up . . .
As soon as the intellectual control is shaken at all, and it takes very little to shake it, his emotions immediately take control, which is almost the same as saying alcohol takes charge. While in this condition he wants happiness and relaxation, and he wants them as soon as he can get them . . .
"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit that it is injurious, they cannot after time differentiate the true from the false. They are restless, irritable, and discontented unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks . . . "
Big Book P. XXVIII - XXIX
Tuesday, June 23, 2020
Humble Seaweed
"Humility - once a widespread personal trait characterized by an ability to accurately acknowledge one's limitations and abilities, and an interpersonal stance that is other-oriented rather than self-focused." Current Direction in Psychological Science
Humility: Modest opinion of one's own importance, rank, etc.; the feeling that you have no special importance that makes you better than others; absence of vanity or excessive pride.
Arrogant: Unpleasantly proud and behaving as if you are m ore important than, or know more than, other people; exaggerating one's own worth or importance often by an overbearing manner.
Ouch.
It's all fear. The drive to elevate myself is just an expression of the fear that other people won't think as much of me as I think of myself.
Fear is a pretty natural human attribute. We alcoholics tend to blame everything on our disease, overlooking the fact that it's a scary world out there from time to time. Sometimes someone really IS after you. There really ARE bears in that dark cave.
That being said my alcoholism exacerbates this fear. And for a lot of us I believe you can find wiring problems that predispose us to fear and family environments that stoke anxiety and let's not forget that our behavior led to a lot of fearful situations.
I'm thinking this morning of a friend who is pissed as hell at the CoVid-19 lock-down. He's chafing at the restrictions. He's chomping at the bit to get back to live meetings where he can keep up a steady patter about how irritating everyone is. He's a good guy who helps a lot of people but he really seems to be on a life Death March, grimly stalking through the day, fending off one restriction after another.
I would prefer to avoid that attitude.
Humility: Modest opinion of one's own importance, rank, etc.; the feeling that you have no special importance that makes you better than others; absence of vanity or excessive pride.
Arrogant: Unpleasantly proud and behaving as if you are m ore important than, or know more than, other people; exaggerating one's own worth or importance often by an overbearing manner.
Ouch.
It's all fear. The drive to elevate myself is just an expression of the fear that other people won't think as much of me as I think of myself.
Fear is a pretty natural human attribute. We alcoholics tend to blame everything on our disease, overlooking the fact that it's a scary world out there from time to time. Sometimes someone really IS after you. There really ARE bears in that dark cave.
That being said my alcoholism exacerbates this fear. And for a lot of us I believe you can find wiring problems that predispose us to fear and family environments that stoke anxiety and let's not forget that our behavior led to a lot of fearful situations.
I'm thinking this morning of a friend who is pissed as hell at the CoVid-19 lock-down. He's chafing at the restrictions. He's chomping at the bit to get back to live meetings where he can keep up a steady patter about how irritating everyone is. He's a good guy who helps a lot of people but he really seems to be on a life Death March, grimly stalking through the day, fending off one restriction after another.
I would prefer to avoid that attitude.
Sunday, June 21, 2020
Offended Seaweed
Offend: To hurt the feelings of; to displease; to make angry; to insult.
The meeting this morning was chaired by a woman who has been drinking on and off in the eight years I've been in California. She's a very nice person, kind and gentle, a peaceful soul. I run into her from time to time in The Real World and I'm always glad for the encounter. I would guess by her appearance that she also struggles with food so there are probably multiple addictions and compulsions in play.
Still . . . .
I think about my early days in Chicago AA. People were sort of nice there. Not super-sickly nice like we can get here but pretty nice. However, they didn't worry quite as much about offending me. They didn't go out of their way to offend me but they clearly weren't too concerned about the consequences when it happened. And they cross-talked. At some of the men's meetings I went to they cross-talked on my head. I mean cross-talked like when I got done sharing something stupid the guy next in line would turn to me and repudiate half of what I said while looking right at me and saying my name. I didn't have to wonder who he was talking about. The discourse was not cruel but stern. Blunt.
I grew up with a mother who worried about everything while never getting all up in my grill about anything. My dad went out and drank beers with his friends, rarely confronting me about my behavior unless he lost his temper and went bat-shit crazy. Suffice it to say that I didn't have much experience with constructive criticism. My experience was that it manifested itself as a brief spout of rage or an irrationally cheery optimism. Sometimes I need to be hollered at.
My time in AA has been one of incredible kindness and compassion. For every time I've been censured there have been a thousand examples of people exhibiting incredible patience. Most of the people I deal with regularly are so hard on themselves that I don't have the heart to holler at them. They feel bad enough about themselves as it is. Plus, hollering is not a behavior that's consistent with my personality. Nobody buys it when I yell. When SuperK and I have an argument I usually remain calm because when I get angry she usually laughs in my face.
If I'm deciding whether I should put my hand on a hot burner or not I hope one of my friends starts yelling.
The meeting this morning was chaired by a woman who has been drinking on and off in the eight years I've been in California. She's a very nice person, kind and gentle, a peaceful soul. I run into her from time to time in The Real World and I'm always glad for the encounter. I would guess by her appearance that she also struggles with food so there are probably multiple addictions and compulsions in play.
Still . . . .
I think about my early days in Chicago AA. People were sort of nice there. Not super-sickly nice like we can get here but pretty nice. However, they didn't worry quite as much about offending me. They didn't go out of their way to offend me but they clearly weren't too concerned about the consequences when it happened. And they cross-talked. At some of the men's meetings I went to they cross-talked on my head. I mean cross-talked like when I got done sharing something stupid the guy next in line would turn to me and repudiate half of what I said while looking right at me and saying my name. I didn't have to wonder who he was talking about. The discourse was not cruel but stern. Blunt.
I grew up with a mother who worried about everything while never getting all up in my grill about anything. My dad went out and drank beers with his friends, rarely confronting me about my behavior unless he lost his temper and went bat-shit crazy. Suffice it to say that I didn't have much experience with constructive criticism. My experience was that it manifested itself as a brief spout of rage or an irrationally cheery optimism. Sometimes I need to be hollered at.
My time in AA has been one of incredible kindness and compassion. For every time I've been censured there have been a thousand examples of people exhibiting incredible patience. Most of the people I deal with regularly are so hard on themselves that I don't have the heart to holler at them. They feel bad enough about themselves as it is. Plus, hollering is not a behavior that's consistent with my personality. Nobody buys it when I yell. When SuperK and I have an argument I usually remain calm because when I get angry she usually laughs in my face.
If I'm deciding whether I should put my hand on a hot burner or not I hope one of my friends starts yelling.
Saturday, June 20, 2020
Normal!
Normal: Usual, healthy, ordinary; the same as would be expected.
(Usage Notes: When used to describe a group of people, normal can be understood as meaning that those not part of the group are strange or freakish. Its usage can therefore be understood as offensive.)
As we slalom through pandemic-land, snapping this way and then that, narrowly missing gates, indeed clipping some of them, losing our balance, then getting into a groove where everything's working, before almost taking a nasty spill, I'm aware that my AA friends are coming to grips with our morphing world in different ways. There is definitely a contingent who wants things to "get back to normal" as quickly as possible. They want things to be the way they used to be, whatever that means. They're frustrated and chomping at the bit. They're sitting in their cars, revving their engines, cursing at the red light.
Look, I get it - I don't like everything about my life in the last three months. I've lived a comfortable life in sobriety where I've gotten to do whatever I want to do - for the most part - and some of these routines and rituals and seances have been disrupted. I also know that I like change sometimes - I don't want to do the same shit over and over and over because I get bored. So I do new things. Sometimes they work out and sometimes they don't. Sometimes I find something better than what I had before. Sometimes my choices are disastrous vis-a-vis my comfort level. But they always, always, always give me a new perspective on the relative strengths and weaknesses of my life. Often I'll come back to a routine that was frustrating or unsatisfactory wearing a new pair of glasses.
I don't know what people mean when they say "I don't like Zoom meetings." Well, tough shit. That's what we've got right now. Suck it up and find the positives in this disruption of your cherished routines. Find the good in it. Take a break and embrace something new. This pandemic isn't forever unless it is and then what are you going to do? Sometimes life changes irrevocably and forever. You're going to get sick, you're going to lose loved ones and jobs and money and the constant presence of your children, you may get divorced or become disabled.
I see that those of us who constantly agitate to "get things back to normal" are often frustrated and unhappy. I see that they're concentrating on what they don't like about the new and focusing on what they've lost. This is understandable but it can also be hazardous to your mental health if you're in one of those situations where things are never going to go back to how they used to be. Quit bargaining with god.
I'll tell you I'm staying away from those people right now. Even for someone who's trying to go with the flow these are challenging times so I don't need to be around people who are bitching about everything.
(Usage Notes: When used to describe a group of people, normal can be understood as meaning that those not part of the group are strange or freakish. Its usage can therefore be understood as offensive.)
As we slalom through pandemic-land, snapping this way and then that, narrowly missing gates, indeed clipping some of them, losing our balance, then getting into a groove where everything's working, before almost taking a nasty spill, I'm aware that my AA friends are coming to grips with our morphing world in different ways. There is definitely a contingent who wants things to "get back to normal" as quickly as possible. They want things to be the way they used to be, whatever that means. They're frustrated and chomping at the bit. They're sitting in their cars, revving their engines, cursing at the red light.
Look, I get it - I don't like everything about my life in the last three months. I've lived a comfortable life in sobriety where I've gotten to do whatever I want to do - for the most part - and some of these routines and rituals and seances have been disrupted. I also know that I like change sometimes - I don't want to do the same shit over and over and over because I get bored. So I do new things. Sometimes they work out and sometimes they don't. Sometimes I find something better than what I had before. Sometimes my choices are disastrous vis-a-vis my comfort level. But they always, always, always give me a new perspective on the relative strengths and weaknesses of my life. Often I'll come back to a routine that was frustrating or unsatisfactory wearing a new pair of glasses.
I don't know what people mean when they say "I don't like Zoom meetings." Well, tough shit. That's what we've got right now. Suck it up and find the positives in this disruption of your cherished routines. Find the good in it. Take a break and embrace something new. This pandemic isn't forever unless it is and then what are you going to do? Sometimes life changes irrevocably and forever. You're going to get sick, you're going to lose loved ones and jobs and money and the constant presence of your children, you may get divorced or become disabled.
I see that those of us who constantly agitate to "get things back to normal" are often frustrated and unhappy. I see that they're concentrating on what they don't like about the new and focusing on what they've lost. This is understandable but it can also be hazardous to your mental health if you're in one of those situations where things are never going to go back to how they used to be. Quit bargaining with god.
I'll tell you I'm staying away from those people right now. Even for someone who's trying to go with the flow these are challenging times so I don't need to be around people who are bitching about everything.
Friday, June 19, 2020
Bill The Tax Guy
So we went to a tax guy because of our tax situation. $23,000 in tax due will drive the most parsimonious of us to a tax guy. He marinated our taxes and reduced the bill to $2,800. I told him that if it weren't for the CoVid-19 pandemic both SuperK and I would give him a big kiss. He was unresponsive. Not rude, just unresponsive. I guess I should have expected that kind of response from a tax guy. They're not famous for their silly, whimsical senses of humor. Plus, as we were sitting in the lobby waiting for him to get off the phone we could overhear his conversation and it was clear that he was very diplomatically and calmly dealing with an incensed client. SuperK pointed out that being a tax guy a month before taxes are due is probably not the gentlest thing you could be doing. And it's kind of funny that a tax due bill of $2,800 - normally an amount that would incense me - will be a sheer delight to pay.
The lesson for me is how I handled quite a bit of fear about the original sum. Not enough fear to actually do something about it for 6 weeks but still a bunch. When I'm afraid it's usually because I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing or I'm not doing something I should be doing. Usually I'm racing headlong into the future when I should be sitting calmly. Here's a case where I should have been on the move and I was sitting . . . well, not calmly. I knew this intellectually but I still didn't act on it. So I suffered.
"Of necessity there will have to be discussion of matters medical, psychiatric, social, and religious. We are aware that these matters are, from their very nature, controversial. Nothing would please us so much as to write a book which would contain no basis for contention or argument." Big Book P. 19
"Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer." Big Book P. 87
How about be quick to see where anyone but myself is right. How about trying that?
Reminds me of this guy I met once at a meeting. He was missing most of his upper front teeth and he was dressed in work clothes - raggedy work clothes. I was newish in my sobriety and still quick to categorize people and dismiss those who weren't up to my high standards. He ended up being a good friend. Dude read more than I did and I read a lot. He had a nice, clear recovery message and he did a lot of service work. He was just one of those guys who did not care what anyone thought of him. He wanted to live life his own way.
I ran into him after an absence of a few years. He had gotten his teeth fixed. He looked pretty good with front teeth. He was still reading more that I was.
People that have some long-term sobriety and are still working hard on their recovery have a glow. You can just feel the serenity radiating off of them. There's a sense that they're comfortable in their own skin, that they're not taking life too seriously, that they'll appreciate the blessings and deal with the hardships. Conversely, if you're not taking your recovery seriously you're not fooling anyone.
The lesson for me is how I handled quite a bit of fear about the original sum. Not enough fear to actually do something about it for 6 weeks but still a bunch. When I'm afraid it's usually because I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing or I'm not doing something I should be doing. Usually I'm racing headlong into the future when I should be sitting calmly. Here's a case where I should have been on the move and I was sitting . . . well, not calmly. I knew this intellectually but I still didn't act on it. So I suffered.
"Of necessity there will have to be discussion of matters medical, psychiatric, social, and religious. We are aware that these matters are, from their very nature, controversial. Nothing would please us so much as to write a book which would contain no basis for contention or argument." Big Book P. 19
"Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer." Big Book P. 87
How about be quick to see where anyone but myself is right. How about trying that?
Reminds me of this guy I met once at a meeting. He was missing most of his upper front teeth and he was dressed in work clothes - raggedy work clothes. I was newish in my sobriety and still quick to categorize people and dismiss those who weren't up to my high standards. He ended up being a good friend. Dude read more than I did and I read a lot. He had a nice, clear recovery message and he did a lot of service work. He was just one of those guys who did not care what anyone thought of him. He wanted to live life his own way.
I ran into him after an absence of a few years. He had gotten his teeth fixed. He looked pretty good with front teeth. He was still reading more that I was.
People that have some long-term sobriety and are still working hard on their recovery have a glow. You can just feel the serenity radiating off of them. There's a sense that they're comfortable in their own skin, that they're not taking life too seriously, that they'll appreciate the blessings and deal with the hardships. Conversely, if you're not taking your recovery seriously you're not fooling anyone.
Thursday, June 18, 2020
Catch-22
Courage: The quality of being confident, not afraid, or easily intimidated, but without being incautious or inconsiderate.
"Courage to change the things I can." Indeed.
There have been five mass extinctions on earth, defined as the loss of at least 80% of all existing life forms. The earth is going to be just fine. The earth has been around a long time and it will adapt just fine to whatever happens.
Let's not forget the dinosaurs roamed the planet for 65 million years. THAT'S staying power.
"Until now, our lives have been largely devoted to running from pain and problems. We fled from them as from a plague. We never wanted to deal with the fact of suffering. Escape via the bottle was always our solutions. Character-building through suffering might be all right for saints, but it certainly didn't appeal to us." 12&12 P 74
Catch-22: A dilemma or difficult circumstance from which there is no escape because of mutually conflicting or dependent conditions.
And then a little later: "The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear - primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration." 12&12 P76
That's quite the Catch-22.
“If you describe a situation as a catch-22, you mean it is an impossible situation because you cannot do one thing until you do another thing, but you cannot do the second thing until you do the first thing.”
"Courage to change the things I can." Indeed.
There have been five mass extinctions on earth, defined as the loss of at least 80% of all existing life forms. The earth is going to be just fine. The earth has been around a long time and it will adapt just fine to whatever happens.
Let's not forget the dinosaurs roamed the planet for 65 million years. THAT'S staying power.
"Until now, our lives have been largely devoted to running from pain and problems. We fled from them as from a plague. We never wanted to deal with the fact of suffering. Escape via the bottle was always our solutions. Character-building through suffering might be all right for saints, but it certainly didn't appeal to us." 12&12 P 74
Catch-22: A dilemma or difficult circumstance from which there is no escape because of mutually conflicting or dependent conditions.
And then a little later: "The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear - primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration." 12&12 P76
That's quite the Catch-22.
“If you describe a situation as a catch-22, you mean it is an impossible situation because you cannot do one thing until you do another thing, but you cannot do the second thing until you do the first thing.”
Tuesday, June 16, 2020
Today I'm Going To . . .
Perspective: To think about a situation or problem in a wise and reasonable way.
Today I'm going to search for perspective. I'm going to continue a lifelong practice of moving out of my head and looking at things - especially upsetting things - from a distance. The closer I get the less I see. Very few things are forever and very few things never change.
Long: Having great duration.
Today I'm going to take the long view. I'm going to remember that whatever's happening today is almost certainly not going to be important in my future. Probably won't be important tomorrow. I'm not even going to talk about how unimportant it will be in a year or five years or ten years, if I'm still alive. Weirdly enough I'm going to do this while practicing the time honored tradition of One Day At A Time.
Balance: Mental equilibrium; mental health; calmness, a state of remaining clear-headed and unperturbed.
Today I'm going to consider how important balance is in my life. It's not as bad as I imagine and it's not as good as I imagine. It's somewhere in between. The outcomes I project rarely come true. The outcomes are almost somewhere in the middle. Get in the middle!
Today I'm going to search for perspective. I'm going to continue a lifelong practice of moving out of my head and looking at things - especially upsetting things - from a distance. The closer I get the less I see. Very few things are forever and very few things never change.
Long: Having great duration.
Today I'm going to take the long view. I'm going to remember that whatever's happening today is almost certainly not going to be important in my future. Probably won't be important tomorrow. I'm not even going to talk about how unimportant it will be in a year or five years or ten years, if I'm still alive. Weirdly enough I'm going to do this while practicing the time honored tradition of One Day At A Time.
Balance: Mental equilibrium; mental health; calmness, a state of remaining clear-headed and unperturbed.
Today I'm going to consider how important balance is in my life. It's not as bad as I imagine and it's not as good as I imagine. It's somewhere in between. The outcomes I project rarely come true. The outcomes are almost somewhere in the middle. Get in the middle!
Monday, June 15, 2020
Grasping, Craving, Averting Seaweed
Craving: A powerful desire for something.
Aversion: Opposition or repugnance of mind; fixed dislike.
In the second noble Truth, the Buddha tells us that the root of all suffering is attachment, and said that the fundamental cause of suffering is "the attachment to the desire to have (craving), the attachment to the desire not to have (aversion) and the attachment to ignorant views".
I would like to speak to this second noble Truth but I should probably mention the first, third, and fourth noble Truths.
1. Y'all gonna suffer.
2. See Above.
3. Y'all can stop suffering in 29 easy steps.
4. Here's how y'all can stop the damn suffering, already.
See how I am as an alcoholic? Right to the second step. Screw the first step. The First Step doesn't apply to me despite the fact that it's the first step. I'm in a hurry to get this shit done.
I feel like I've gotten past possessing a lot of stuff. I definitely spend my time and money on experiences today. Having things is a burden - it costs real money and real mental square feet. I have a friend who has contracted with his Dumpster Guy to have a large dumpster parked in his front driveway and he's throwing a lot of junk into it, some of it possibly hazardous, and it's attracting attention. People wonder what you have in your house that you have to put into a dumpster, one with a 1.5 ton limit. THAT'S a lot of stuff.
I wonder if my church upbringing has spurred my gradual transformation to a stuff-lite world? You know - the whole idea that this life is a dark and messy bog that one has to slog through to get to a wonderful afterlife and avoid a really, really awful afterlife. Might be part of it, this idea that what we're doing is simply prep work and consequently isn't that important.
I wonder if my late-in-life interest in Buddhism and other Eastern philosophies has something to do with it, too? The above quote would suggest that this is so. Quit grasping. Quit holding on. The Buddha says that it's all going to go: all of it, your stuff, your family, your friends, your health, your life.
I don't have to wonder if the Big Migration from the Midwest to California has something to do with it. I had a big house - three floors and a full basement - and there was stuff everywhere, mountains of stuff, avalanches of stuff, oceans of stuff, much of it outdated or redundant. We got rid of half of our possessions and still brought twice as much as we needed, so out that stuff went, too, after the expense and effort of packing it up and hauling it 3,000 miles.
Today I'm lean and mean. Things are used regularly or they're gone. What does the stuff matter after I'm gone? Dust in the wind. Dust to dust.
People ask: What is in the dust?
Aversion: Opposition or repugnance of mind; fixed dislike.
In the second noble Truth, the Buddha tells us that the root of all suffering is attachment, and said that the fundamental cause of suffering is "the attachment to the desire to have (craving), the attachment to the desire not to have (aversion) and the attachment to ignorant views".
I would like to speak to this second noble Truth but I should probably mention the first, third, and fourth noble Truths.
1. Y'all gonna suffer.
2. See Above.
3. Y'all can stop suffering in 29 easy steps.
4. Here's how y'all can stop the damn suffering, already.
See how I am as an alcoholic? Right to the second step. Screw the first step. The First Step doesn't apply to me despite the fact that it's the first step. I'm in a hurry to get this shit done.
I feel like I've gotten past possessing a lot of stuff. I definitely spend my time and money on experiences today. Having things is a burden - it costs real money and real mental square feet. I have a friend who has contracted with his Dumpster Guy to have a large dumpster parked in his front driveway and he's throwing a lot of junk into it, some of it possibly hazardous, and it's attracting attention. People wonder what you have in your house that you have to put into a dumpster, one with a 1.5 ton limit. THAT'S a lot of stuff.
I wonder if my church upbringing has spurred my gradual transformation to a stuff-lite world? You know - the whole idea that this life is a dark and messy bog that one has to slog through to get to a wonderful afterlife and avoid a really, really awful afterlife. Might be part of it, this idea that what we're doing is simply prep work and consequently isn't that important.
I wonder if my late-in-life interest in Buddhism and other Eastern philosophies has something to do with it, too? The above quote would suggest that this is so. Quit grasping. Quit holding on. The Buddha says that it's all going to go: all of it, your stuff, your family, your friends, your health, your life.
I don't have to wonder if the Big Migration from the Midwest to California has something to do with it. I had a big house - three floors and a full basement - and there was stuff everywhere, mountains of stuff, avalanches of stuff, oceans of stuff, much of it outdated or redundant. We got rid of half of our possessions and still brought twice as much as we needed, so out that stuff went, too, after the expense and effort of packing it up and hauling it 3,000 miles.
Today I'm lean and mean. Things are used regularly or they're gone. What does the stuff matter after I'm gone? Dust in the wind. Dust to dust.
People ask: What is in the dust?
Sunday, June 14, 2020
Sanctimonious Steve
Sanctimonious: Making a show of being morally superior to other people.
Gratitude: The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.
A good topic for the meeting this morning: Gratitude. Makes me reflect, once again, at how angry a lot of people are. I was at the grocery store yesterday where literally every person was wearing a mask except for one woman and she looked pissed. She looked confrontational. I don't like to wear a mask, either, but frankly I don't want to put myself in a position where I'm setting myself up for conflict. There are enough wars going on in my head as it is without trying to provoke one with someone I don't know.
Gratitude turns what we have into enough.
It's not enough to be aware of all of the blessings and gifts in my life - I have to be actively grateful for them if I want to be happy. I can't just tonelessly tick them off of a list yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah. I need to think about them deeply, to ponder them, to continuously modify the list, to tweak it every day.
I used to have to force myself to be grateful. It took an act of will to turn my attention away from my difficulties, trivial though they may be, and focus it instead on my blessings. Today this is a habit that occurs naturally much of the time. My head goes to the blessing automatically. I can almost hear machinery clicking and whirring, like a bad record being removed and a good one being deposited in a vintage jukebox.
“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.” – Buddha
I like the reductionist quality to that quote from the Buddha: At least I didn't die. That is elemental, my friend.
Gratitude: The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.
A good topic for the meeting this morning: Gratitude. Makes me reflect, once again, at how angry a lot of people are. I was at the grocery store yesterday where literally every person was wearing a mask except for one woman and she looked pissed. She looked confrontational. I don't like to wear a mask, either, but frankly I don't want to put myself in a position where I'm setting myself up for conflict. There are enough wars going on in my head as it is without trying to provoke one with someone I don't know.
Gratitude turns what we have into enough.
It's not enough to be aware of all of the blessings and gifts in my life - I have to be actively grateful for them if I want to be happy. I can't just tonelessly tick them off of a list yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah. I need to think about them deeply, to ponder them, to continuously modify the list, to tweak it every day.
I used to have to force myself to be grateful. It took an act of will to turn my attention away from my difficulties, trivial though they may be, and focus it instead on my blessings. Today this is a habit that occurs naturally much of the time. My head goes to the blessing automatically. I can almost hear machinery clicking and whirring, like a bad record being removed and a good one being deposited in a vintage jukebox.
“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.” – Buddha
I like the reductionist quality to that quote from the Buddha: At least I didn't die. That is elemental, my friend.
Saturday, June 13, 2020
A Casual Running Down of Someone Behind Their Back
Gossip: Casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true.
Ah, I'm calling bullshit on truth. It's overrated. The real deal is making myself feel better at someone else's expense. A great way to accomplish this is to present information about the other person in a way that makes them look smaller while flatly stating that this is something that I never do. Facts are not required.
One of my rules in life is to never, ever say anything about another person that I wouldn't say with that person present. I never, ever want to be in a position where someone confronts me about something I may have said about them. If I say it I'll say it with you there or I won't say it. I'm damn good at this but I'm not perfect.
I'm going to diverge for a minute to talk about the Sikhs. Did you know this is the fifth or sixth largest religion in the world? During the global pandemic Sikh churches, which serve millions of free meals every day all across the world, have really stepped in to try to alleviate the food insecurity that many people are experiencing. (Ed. Note: I love the phrase "food insecurity," a sanitized euphemism for "I'm not getting enough to eat.")
One of my most memorable experiences during our grueling month in India was a visit to a huge Sikh church during a meal time. It was, to my Western eyes, an apocalyptic scene: walking barefoot across a wet floor, worried about stepping on something sharp and cutting my foot which would become infected with a weird subcontinent disease leading to amputation, the room filled with steam pouring from massive cooking pots, men who looked like cardiologists walking between rows of sitting people, lading out food to people who looked to be homeless who were wedged in between large families. We didn't eat there - probably wary of the potential of hygiene problems with our Western bellies - but both of us were incredibly moved at the democracy on display.
The Sikh turban, by the way, isn't a religious symbol or an honorific but simply a symbol of equality.
I'm not dialed into the nuances of Sikhism but I think we need some more of what they got.
Anyway, one of my oldest, dearest, bestest friends in the world and I get into these little intellectual tiffs on a regular basis. He's an extrovert and can be blunt sometimes and I'm an introvert who has a tendency to be on the self-righteous side of the street. As a perfect human specimen I have an excuse - I'm not sure what his rationale would be. I perceive that he's pretty attached to the carnal world and I perceive this causes him some problems and I perceive that my perception is often bullshit, a fact that never slows me down from perceiving your faults. I've made suggestions over the years promoting meditation and reading as a way that he might enlarge his spiritual life and escape from some of the problems that being too attached to this world can cause, implying, of course, that he could some day become a massive spiritual giant like someone we all know.
I occasionally find it difficult for me to keep this opinion to myself. This is none of my business and I have no idea what might or might not work for anyone else and this from a dude who is no one's example of a shining beacon on a holy mount in a distant land.
I shouldn't do this. Ever.
Ah, I'm calling bullshit on truth. It's overrated. The real deal is making myself feel better at someone else's expense. A great way to accomplish this is to present information about the other person in a way that makes them look smaller while flatly stating that this is something that I never do. Facts are not required.
One of my rules in life is to never, ever say anything about another person that I wouldn't say with that person present. I never, ever want to be in a position where someone confronts me about something I may have said about them. If I say it I'll say it with you there or I won't say it. I'm damn good at this but I'm not perfect.
I'm going to diverge for a minute to talk about the Sikhs. Did you know this is the fifth or sixth largest religion in the world? During the global pandemic Sikh churches, which serve millions of free meals every day all across the world, have really stepped in to try to alleviate the food insecurity that many people are experiencing. (Ed. Note: I love the phrase "food insecurity," a sanitized euphemism for "I'm not getting enough to eat.")
One of my most memorable experiences during our grueling month in India was a visit to a huge Sikh church during a meal time. It was, to my Western eyes, an apocalyptic scene: walking barefoot across a wet floor, worried about stepping on something sharp and cutting my foot which would become infected with a weird subcontinent disease leading to amputation, the room filled with steam pouring from massive cooking pots, men who looked like cardiologists walking between rows of sitting people, lading out food to people who looked to be homeless who were wedged in between large families. We didn't eat there - probably wary of the potential of hygiene problems with our Western bellies - but both of us were incredibly moved at the democracy on display.
The Sikh turban, by the way, isn't a religious symbol or an honorific but simply a symbol of equality.
I'm not dialed into the nuances of Sikhism but I think we need some more of what they got.
Anyway, one of my oldest, dearest, bestest friends in the world and I get into these little intellectual tiffs on a regular basis. He's an extrovert and can be blunt sometimes and I'm an introvert who has a tendency to be on the self-righteous side of the street. As a perfect human specimen I have an excuse - I'm not sure what his rationale would be. I perceive that he's pretty attached to the carnal world and I perceive this causes him some problems and I perceive that my perception is often bullshit, a fact that never slows me down from perceiving your faults. I've made suggestions over the years promoting meditation and reading as a way that he might enlarge his spiritual life and escape from some of the problems that being too attached to this world can cause, implying, of course, that he could some day become a massive spiritual giant like someone we all know.
I occasionally find it difficult for me to keep this opinion to myself. This is none of my business and I have no idea what might or might not work for anyone else and this from a dude who is no one's example of a shining beacon on a holy mount in a distant land.
I shouldn't do this. Ever.
Friday, June 12, 2020
Troubles, I Seen Troubles
Worry: To be troubled; to give way to mental anxiety or doubt.
I am rereading some old journals. I've noted that a lot of my entries revolve around the fact that I'm getting SCREWED by life. Things are bad. Things are getting worse. Things are never going to get better.
In all fairness these journals are generally places to release angst into the ionosphere. I should probably spend some more time writing down all of the ridiculous blessings I have in my life but, frankly, there aren't enough hours in the day to total all of the bad stuff up. Time's a wastin', Ma. Plus, I do make a token effort at tonelessly, distractedly repeating, in a total rote manner, a gratitude list when I'm in the throes of my morning Quiet Time. On the odd occasion that I can be bothered.
There seem to be three prevalent categories: a) Things that everyone worries about so it's not really a big deal that I'm worrying about them so the fact that I still worry about them today sometimes seems normal to me, b) Total ridiculous bullshitty things that I cannot believe I worried about and I'm probably worrying about similarly bullshitty things today despite my advanced state of spiritual development, and c) things in retrospect I can say, truly say: "OK, you should have been worrying about that. That's worrisome."
The result of all this worrying is hard to quantify.
Clearly if I want to worry about my health or my finances or whether SuperK is about to brain me I'm in good company. These are/can be scary things. But to keep things in perspective, I have a friend recently diagnosed with MS who complains less about this scary development that I do about some vague aches and pains.
Clearly I need to inspect some worrisome things because they really are quite worrisome. For instance, at one point, I ended up with two houses because I bought a house before the other house was sold. While I could afford this temporarily I could not afford it long term, so I was worried about that. Fair enough. That's a real thing that had to be dealt with. I couldn't serenely wish that away. I'll also note that everything worked out. I ended up with only one house although I should have kept the first house and not gotten to big for my britches with a bigger house I didn't need.
Clearly there is also some incredibly trivial bullshit in the journals that I never should have worried about in the first place. Intellectually I knew this at the time but these trivial matters became tireless termites ceaselessly devouring the foundation of my serenity. These matters surface from time to time today. I am a lot better at banishing them to the basement of my disdain but from time to time one will dig in and become astonishingly hard to dislodge.
I am rereading some old journals. I've noted that a lot of my entries revolve around the fact that I'm getting SCREWED by life. Things are bad. Things are getting worse. Things are never going to get better.
In all fairness these journals are generally places to release angst into the ionosphere. I should probably spend some more time writing down all of the ridiculous blessings I have in my life but, frankly, there aren't enough hours in the day to total all of the bad stuff up. Time's a wastin', Ma. Plus, I do make a token effort at tonelessly, distractedly repeating, in a total rote manner, a gratitude list when I'm in the throes of my morning Quiet Time. On the odd occasion that I can be bothered.
There seem to be three prevalent categories: a) Things that everyone worries about so it's not really a big deal that I'm worrying about them so the fact that I still worry about them today sometimes seems normal to me, b) Total ridiculous bullshitty things that I cannot believe I worried about and I'm probably worrying about similarly bullshitty things today despite my advanced state of spiritual development, and c) things in retrospect I can say, truly say: "OK, you should have been worrying about that. That's worrisome."
The result of all this worrying is hard to quantify.
Clearly if I want to worry about my health or my finances or whether SuperK is about to brain me I'm in good company. These are/can be scary things. But to keep things in perspective, I have a friend recently diagnosed with MS who complains less about this scary development that I do about some vague aches and pains.
Clearly I need to inspect some worrisome things because they really are quite worrisome. For instance, at one point, I ended up with two houses because I bought a house before the other house was sold. While I could afford this temporarily I could not afford it long term, so I was worried about that. Fair enough. That's a real thing that had to be dealt with. I couldn't serenely wish that away. I'll also note that everything worked out. I ended up with only one house although I should have kept the first house and not gotten to big for my britches with a bigger house I didn't need.
Clearly there is also some incredibly trivial bullshit in the journals that I never should have worried about in the first place. Intellectually I knew this at the time but these trivial matters became tireless termites ceaselessly devouring the foundation of my serenity. These matters surface from time to time today. I am a lot better at banishing them to the basement of my disdain but from time to time one will dig in and become astonishingly hard to dislodge.
Thursday, June 11, 2020
I Don't Like Him
Resent: Feel bitterness or indignation at (a circumstance, action or person); to feel angry because you have been forced to accept something or someone you do not like.
I have long been aware of the saying in AA that if you hold a resentment against someone, if you are resisting the impulse to smack the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it, then you should pray for them for fourteen days and the resentment will go away. (Ed. Note: I have never smacked anyone ever. No living shit, dead shit, or shit of any kind has been dislodged from any of the assholes I've run across in my life, irregardless of whether they deserved a good smacking or not.)
Then in a Big Book study this materialized:"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will din you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love."
There's a great episode of Seinfeld where George is obsessed with the fact that Jerry's current girlfriend doesn't like him. This exchange occurred:
G: She doesn't like me?
J: Yes.
G: She said that?
J: Yes.
G: What were her exact words?
J: I don't like him.
I get that. I let people who irritate me live in my head while ignoring the people who I love who are literally standing right in front of me.
I also like this exhortation in The Big Book about how to go about planning for one's day: "Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest, or self-seeking motives."
Self-Pity: Excessive, self-absorbed unhappiness over one's troubles.
Dishonest: Behaving or prone to behave in an untrustworthy or fraudulent manner; intended to mislead or cheat.
Self-Seeking: Having concern for one's own welfare and interests before those of others; self-serving.
I have long been aware of the saying in AA that if you hold a resentment against someone, if you are resisting the impulse to smack the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it, then you should pray for them for fourteen days and the resentment will go away. (Ed. Note: I have never smacked anyone ever. No living shit, dead shit, or shit of any kind has been dislodged from any of the assholes I've run across in my life, irregardless of whether they deserved a good smacking or not.)
Then in a Big Book study this materialized:"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will din you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love."
There's a great episode of Seinfeld where George is obsessed with the fact that Jerry's current girlfriend doesn't like him. This exchange occurred:
G: She doesn't like me?
J: Yes.
G: She said that?
J: Yes.
G: What were her exact words?
J: I don't like him.
I get that. I let people who irritate me live in my head while ignoring the people who I love who are literally standing right in front of me.
I also like this exhortation in The Big Book about how to go about planning for one's day: "Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest, or self-seeking motives."
Self-Pity: Excessive, self-absorbed unhappiness over one's troubles.
Dishonest: Behaving or prone to behave in an untrustworthy or fraudulent manner; intended to mislead or cheat.
Self-Seeking: Having concern for one's own welfare and interests before those of others; self-serving.
Tuesday, June 9, 2020
The Irony of It All
Irony: A state of affairs or event that seems deliberately contrary to what one and is often amusing as a result.
There are a lot of people out there who seem to be mad about everything all the time. They're mad!
I'm so glad.
I'm so glad.
I'm glad, I'm glad, I'm glad!
-- Cream
I am in a deep, constant state of reflection about The Problem versus The Solution. I am in a consistent state of amazement at how many people are wallowing in the muck and mud of what's wrong. I do need to remember that a. I've got it pretty good and b. I've got a pretty powerful program backing me up. I am trying to see things from the point of view of the bitchers. I'm trying to understand that some people are bitching because they're taking a hit. I haven't lost a job. I am not living on the edge financially. I am not having to suddenly adjust to a spouse or school age children who are now at home, demanding my attention. These are fundamental, existential changes to life.
One of the great things about writing is that it hangs around. It's still there after I've moved on to other things, assuming I haven't burned the paper or deleted the electronica. It can be very inconvenient reading about my state of mind after the fact. Sometimes it can be very inconvenient almost immediately.
To wit: I have been burbling with self-righteous indignation three days after the business meeting that so irritated me because everyone didn't see the brilliance, the wisdom, of my Plan of Action. I do note that I've had a love/hate relationship with this group for a long time. Part of this is that I'm not a huge fan of large meetings. I think they favor aggressive, dominating personalities and those individuals who like to be on stage, with the subtext being that some of these people aren't that interesting or bright or insightful. The sub-subtext here, of course, is that I am interesting and bright and insightful.
I think I'm a little mad.
I think I'm a little right. I think that some of the dominating personalities let their political beliefs break the surface. There was a strong "let's get everything back to normal immediately" which - by all rights - is fine except that there was no discussion about accommodation people who are less eager to abandon a new format that is working for them - maybe for reasons of convenience or safety or even reasonable fear. Seems to me that a split meeting - in person for those who want to return to the good, old days and Zoom for those of us who find remote meetings perfectly acceptable.
I know I'm not easy-going. Wear the world like a loose garment, my ass. I wear the world like a spandex unitard two sizes too small that shrank in the wash. I'm quite calm in my demeanor so lots of people mistake this for an accepting personality.
Whew, are they off-base.
The irony here is that I wrote some shit about my disdain for angry people and then a few days later I'm . . . not angry, really, more like mildly annoyed.
There are a lot of people out there who seem to be mad about everything all the time. They're mad!
I'm so glad.
I'm so glad.
I'm glad, I'm glad, I'm glad!
-- Cream
I am in a deep, constant state of reflection about The Problem versus The Solution. I am in a consistent state of amazement at how many people are wallowing in the muck and mud of what's wrong. I do need to remember that a. I've got it pretty good and b. I've got a pretty powerful program backing me up. I am trying to see things from the point of view of the bitchers. I'm trying to understand that some people are bitching because they're taking a hit. I haven't lost a job. I am not living on the edge financially. I am not having to suddenly adjust to a spouse or school age children who are now at home, demanding my attention. These are fundamental, existential changes to life.
One of the great things about writing is that it hangs around. It's still there after I've moved on to other things, assuming I haven't burned the paper or deleted the electronica. It can be very inconvenient reading about my state of mind after the fact. Sometimes it can be very inconvenient almost immediately.
To wit: I have been burbling with self-righteous indignation three days after the business meeting that so irritated me because everyone didn't see the brilliance, the wisdom, of my Plan of Action. I do note that I've had a love/hate relationship with this group for a long time. Part of this is that I'm not a huge fan of large meetings. I think they favor aggressive, dominating personalities and those individuals who like to be on stage, with the subtext being that some of these people aren't that interesting or bright or insightful. The sub-subtext here, of course, is that I am interesting and bright and insightful.
I think I'm a little mad.
I think I'm a little right. I think that some of the dominating personalities let their political beliefs break the surface. There was a strong "let's get everything back to normal immediately" which - by all rights - is fine except that there was no discussion about accommodation people who are less eager to abandon a new format that is working for them - maybe for reasons of convenience or safety or even reasonable fear. Seems to me that a split meeting - in person for those who want to return to the good, old days and Zoom for those of us who find remote meetings perfectly acceptable.
I know I'm not easy-going. Wear the world like a loose garment, my ass. I wear the world like a spandex unitard two sizes too small that shrank in the wash. I'm quite calm in my demeanor so lots of people mistake this for an accepting personality.
Whew, are they off-base.
The irony here is that I wrote some shit about my disdain for angry people and then a few days later I'm . . . not angry, really, more like mildly annoyed.
Sunday, June 7, 2020
Business Meeting AHHHHH!
An update on my performance at the Saturday business meeting because it is, of course, all about me. EVERYONE wants to know how I'm doing. EVERYONE wants my advice on EVERYTHING. How do I know this? It's common knowledge, an unspoken fact that doesn't need to be mentioned, sort of like the presence of gravity or the existence of the sun. No one gets up in the morning and says: "Holy shit, what is that hot, bright orb in the sky?!?" Similarly people are innately interested in Stevie Seaweed. And I'm not saying this to be arrogant. It's more along the lines of Usain Bolt knowing that he's the fastest human on the planet. It's implied. It doesn't have to be discussed. Nobody begins their day wondering who can run the fastest 100 yard dash. Everyone knows. Usain Bolt can
Anyway, back to the meeting. I did not speak a word and this wasn't hard to do because I had already laid the ground work for not being pissed off when EVERYONE didn't want to know what I thought we should do and then, to make a bad situation worse, to contribute to a deteriorating situation, NO ONE would think what I wanted to do was such a great idea should I be asked to speak.
When we have our monthly in-person business meeting we're lucky if ten people out of our 100 members can be bothered to show up and a lot of these people attended the regular meeting that took place literally right before the business meeting so all they have to do, literally, is remain seated. It's not as if you have to drive around for an hour to attend. You just don't get up and leave. It is literally easier to attend the business meeting than it is to avoid it. Avoiding it takes more effort. One has to work harder to miss the business meeting but almost everyone chooses that option.
As I've come to expect when there are any significant matters to discuss a lot of people with very strong opinions who aren't really regular members of the group show up and spout off, and then disappear again for weeks at a time, leaving the rest of us to deal with the wreckage of their decisions. They can do this, of course, but it annoys the shit out of me. If you aren't a regular maybe keep your fucking mouth shut when we're discussing format changes that are going to effect us but not effect you. How about that?
And because there is a lot of political and social tension in the US right now some political and social posturing played out, mostly from people who want things to go back exactly the way they were as quickly as possible. We can debate until the cows come home if this is ever going to happen let alone whether it's going to happen by noon next Thursday but some of these folks were belligerent about how much they disliked the way things are now and why we need to have them restored to their liking immediately.
While I wasn't upset during the proceedings I could feel my gorge rising, my spleen engorging, and a pleasant self-righteous irritation swelling into a state of engorgement. I called my sponsor, a guy who is much more easy-going than me, and he laughed about a couple of the more egregious violations of our Traditions. He also brushed off my predictions about why things weren't going to work out if they weren't done my way. These two character traits are important for me in a sponsor: someone who handles the world with a lighter touch and someone who prefers to give something a shot instead of rejecting it for reasons that haven't occurred yet and may never occur.
I'm OK now. I know you were concerned about me but I'm just fine.
Anyway, back to the meeting. I did not speak a word and this wasn't hard to do because I had already laid the ground work for not being pissed off when EVERYONE didn't want to know what I thought we should do and then, to make a bad situation worse, to contribute to a deteriorating situation, NO ONE would think what I wanted to do was such a great idea should I be asked to speak.
When we have our monthly in-person business meeting we're lucky if ten people out of our 100 members can be bothered to show up and a lot of these people attended the regular meeting that took place literally right before the business meeting so all they have to do, literally, is remain seated. It's not as if you have to drive around for an hour to attend. You just don't get up and leave. It is literally easier to attend the business meeting than it is to avoid it. Avoiding it takes more effort. One has to work harder to miss the business meeting but almost everyone chooses that option.
As I've come to expect when there are any significant matters to discuss a lot of people with very strong opinions who aren't really regular members of the group show up and spout off, and then disappear again for weeks at a time, leaving the rest of us to deal with the wreckage of their decisions. They can do this, of course, but it annoys the shit out of me. If you aren't a regular maybe keep your fucking mouth shut when we're discussing format changes that are going to effect us but not effect you. How about that?
And because there is a lot of political and social tension in the US right now some political and social posturing played out, mostly from people who want things to go back exactly the way they were as quickly as possible. We can debate until the cows come home if this is ever going to happen let alone whether it's going to happen by noon next Thursday but some of these folks were belligerent about how much they disliked the way things are now and why we need to have them restored to their liking immediately.
While I wasn't upset during the proceedings I could feel my gorge rising, my spleen engorging, and a pleasant self-righteous irritation swelling into a state of engorgement. I called my sponsor, a guy who is much more easy-going than me, and he laughed about a couple of the more egregious violations of our Traditions. He also brushed off my predictions about why things weren't going to work out if they weren't done my way. These two character traits are important for me in a sponsor: someone who handles the world with a lighter touch and someone who prefers to give something a shot instead of rejecting it for reasons that haven't occurred yet and may never occur.
I'm OK now. I know you were concerned about me but I'm just fine.
Saturday, June 6, 2020
Happy Seaweed
Happy: Favored by luck or fortune; enjoying or characterized by well-being or contentment.
Happiness shouldn't require effort on my part, and it should come as a kind of peace. All I have to do is sit back and let it wash over me. Life gives me what I need if I'm wise enough to see that. Old Guy.
Happiness is not something to go out and seize. Happiness is taking satisfaction in what is available right now, not hitching it to the future. Too often my definition of happiness looks forward. The future is tricky - the future might not come. Someone who is probably old.
I don't understand happiness only as someone just always smiling and laughing. It's more like inner happiness, where you feel you have done everything right in your life, you haven't made anybody unhappy. You have a certain kind of peace and balance in yourself, and you are not anxious abut what will happen the next minute or the next day. You let it go and you don't worry and you lead a balanced life. If you want the next moment where everything will be better, then you'd better do this moment right. Old person.
Am I happy? Of course I am. Yet sometimes I think I enjoy being unhappy because I put so much effort into finding things that assault my serenity. Yet . . . I am drawing a lot of happiness from small things that ordinarily would be quite irritating. For instance I was unhappy when my gym closed, depriving me of the opportunity to burn off some of my unhappiness through strenuous cardiac arrest . . . er, exercise. But a few days ago the directive came down from On High that outdoor pools in closed complexes may open while large indoor commercial pools may not. OK - my community has a pool - a pool that I normally sniff at because it's only 2/3rds the length of a normal-sized gym pool. Still, better than nothing, right? I swam there for the first time today and it was pretty irritating . . . I mean, great and funny. I'm tall so it was like . . . stroke . . . stroke . . . stroke . . . run into the wall. Stroke . . . stroke . . . stroke . . . hit the wall with my head. To get my normal swim completed I need to do like 2,897 laps even though I only swim like 100 yards during a normal workout. But this is an outdoor pool and it's pretty great to be able to swim outdoors but I'm approximately the palest human being this side of the Arctic Circle so I got sunburned. This harshed my buzz, to coin a phrase, washing away any joy I got from not being irritated.
Irritating, right?
Happiness shouldn't require effort on my part, and it should come as a kind of peace. All I have to do is sit back and let it wash over me. Life gives me what I need if I'm wise enough to see that. Old Guy.
Happiness is not something to go out and seize. Happiness is taking satisfaction in what is available right now, not hitching it to the future. Too often my definition of happiness looks forward. The future is tricky - the future might not come. Someone who is probably old.
I don't understand happiness only as someone just always smiling and laughing. It's more like inner happiness, where you feel you have done everything right in your life, you haven't made anybody unhappy. You have a certain kind of peace and balance in yourself, and you are not anxious abut what will happen the next minute or the next day. You let it go and you don't worry and you lead a balanced life. If you want the next moment where everything will be better, then you'd better do this moment right. Old person.
Am I happy? Of course I am. Yet sometimes I think I enjoy being unhappy because I put so much effort into finding things that assault my serenity. Yet . . . I am drawing a lot of happiness from small things that ordinarily would be quite irritating. For instance I was unhappy when my gym closed, depriving me of the opportunity to burn off some of my unhappiness through strenuous cardiac arrest . . . er, exercise. But a few days ago the directive came down from On High that outdoor pools in closed complexes may open while large indoor commercial pools may not. OK - my community has a pool - a pool that I normally sniff at because it's only 2/3rds the length of a normal-sized gym pool. Still, better than nothing, right? I swam there for the first time today and it was pretty irritating . . . I mean, great and funny. I'm tall so it was like . . . stroke . . . stroke . . . stroke . . . run into the wall. Stroke . . . stroke . . . stroke . . . hit the wall with my head. To get my normal swim completed I need to do like 2,897 laps even though I only swim like 100 yards during a normal workout. But this is an outdoor pool and it's pretty great to be able to swim outdoors but I'm approximately the palest human being this side of the Arctic Circle so I got sunburned. This harshed my buzz, to coin a phrase, washing away any joy I got from not being irritated.
Irritating, right?
Friday, June 5, 2020
Hang On To The Pain
Anxiety: An unpleasant state of mental uneasiness, nervousness, apprehension and obsession or concern about some uncertain event. (Ed. Note: I've looked this word up so many times I have it memorized. There's a picture of me on the page, for chrissake. Alternately, when I opened the definition for gratitude I hear crickets chirping.)
Here is some stuff I wrote to myself after mom, dad, and Kenner died:
I release my anxiety into the universe. (Ed. Note: My anxiety totally ignored this request. It went precisely nowhere, roughly speaking.)
This is MY anxiety - it is not THE anxiety. It is part of me. It has a message that it wants me to hear. It isn't trying to punish me or torment me or kill me. (Ed. Note: I just added the kill part to that last sentence. It isn't in the original document but I thought it might heighten the dramatic effect. Kill is a word that grabs your attention but since you don't have access to the original you can't tell if it's in there or not. Perhaps if you went on a pilgrimage to the Middle East you could find the original on a papyrus scroll, preserved from decay by the hermetic environment of a cave hidden below sea level. The Dead Sea Scrolls of Seaweed.)
Uh, where was I again? Oh, yeah:
I'm not angry at it or afraid of it and I'm not trying to make it go away. (Ed. Note: Bullshit, bullshit, and big bullshit to those three lies.)
I can sit quietly with it. (Ed. Note: Well, I can sit with anyhow.)
One of my things is to try to learn a lesson from every experience I experience. I find the lessons are particularly hardy with a negative experience. Pain focuses my attention. Five years after these deaths I've got a thicker skin and a hardier constitution and a deeper wisdom. When the pandemic began to put a crimp in my self-indulgent lifestyle my initial reaction was . . . well, I was pissed and annoyed that all that pleasantness was being . . . well, fucked with. But I cycled through my recovery cycles to get to the good in the situation and I cycled at a significant clip. I got there awfully quickly. I learned about hanging onto something that was gone and how detrimental to my serenity this was. I don't mean to suggest that this was instantaneous but it happened and it happened right quick.
Here is some stuff I wrote to myself after mom, dad, and Kenner died:
I release my anxiety into the universe. (Ed. Note: My anxiety totally ignored this request. It went precisely nowhere, roughly speaking.)
This is MY anxiety - it is not THE anxiety. It is part of me. It has a message that it wants me to hear. It isn't trying to punish me or torment me or kill me. (Ed. Note: I just added the kill part to that last sentence. It isn't in the original document but I thought it might heighten the dramatic effect. Kill is a word that grabs your attention but since you don't have access to the original you can't tell if it's in there or not. Perhaps if you went on a pilgrimage to the Middle East you could find the original on a papyrus scroll, preserved from decay by the hermetic environment of a cave hidden below sea level. The Dead Sea Scrolls of Seaweed.)
Uh, where was I again? Oh, yeah:
I'm not angry at it or afraid of it and I'm not trying to make it go away. (Ed. Note: Bullshit, bullshit, and big bullshit to those three lies.)
I can sit quietly with it. (Ed. Note: Well, I can sit with anyhow.)
One of my things is to try to learn a lesson from every experience I experience. I find the lessons are particularly hardy with a negative experience. Pain focuses my attention. Five years after these deaths I've got a thicker skin and a hardier constitution and a deeper wisdom. When the pandemic began to put a crimp in my self-indulgent lifestyle my initial reaction was . . . well, I was pissed and annoyed that all that pleasantness was being . . . well, fucked with. But I cycled through my recovery cycles to get to the good in the situation and I cycled at a significant clip. I got there awfully quickly. I learned about hanging onto something that was gone and how detrimental to my serenity this was. I don't mean to suggest that this was instantaneous but it happened and it happened right quick.
Thursday, June 4, 2020
Temporary Friday Internet Secretary Seaweed
Discordant: Disagreeing or incongruous; harsh and jarring because of a lack of harmony.
So society is beginning to slowly open back up with audible creaks and groans and black-snake moans. It's tentative at best. And we're going to have to decide, as a Fellowship, what this means for us. I'm guessing, like society at large, that some of our members are going to want to proceed with an excess of caution while some are frustrated that things aren't back to "where they used to be" already. I can see the potential for discord. Imagine that: discord in a discordant Society. It's not like alcoholics have ever disagreed with each other about anything.
My large morning group is going to have a business meeting two days from today. I generally avoid these cesspools of discordant punk rock because I have enough of a tendency to seek out the low point of my serenity without getting together with a bunch of idiots who can't see how right I am about everything. Like I need to get into a prolonged discussion about the proper procedure for getting a cake ordered for a birthday celebration. Seriously - this topic ended up heated and lengthy.
Complicating matters is that this group is downtown so it gets a steady stream of the homeless and people from halfway houses and treatment centers. They aren't a large percentage but they're measurable. While these folks are certainly welcome, by god, they can also be problematic with their grubby, unwashed hands and tendency to use the bathrooms and dig into the cookies and coffee.
I'm the Temporary Friday Internet Secretary for this group - whatever the fuck that is - so I'm obligated to show up and, befitting my position as the Ruler of the Universe, I've worked up a lot of suggestions as to how we start the meeting rolling again. One would be to count off into a few smaller groups that would be dispersed to different corners of the room and - yeah - that's not happening. Another would be to stagger the meeting so that the early risers could come at 6:30 instead of 7:00 which would allow a second wave to start at 7:45 and - holy shit, yeah - that's not happening either. A solid suggestion might be to announce some rules about mask-wearing and social-distancing and - boy, alcoholics love someone telling them to follow a rule - so not a prayer for that working. And that last suggestion would imply someone might need to point out to rules-flaunters that they were flaunting the rules. I can see that working well - a woman secretary, who weighs 105 pounds, telling some belligerent dude without a mask that he has to leave.
I was initially ready to present these choices at the business meeting. I was getting worked up - pre-worked up - that these outstanding choices would not be accepted even though they're all fucking outstanding. My time in The Program has taught me to seek counsel when I'm unsure of myself, of my motives, to bounce my incredible, infallible thoughts off other members, especially when I'm girding my loins for mortal combat.
The pressure in my self-righteous balloon has been relieved. I will take a Vow of Silence. Frankly, I think the direction of any meeting should be set by regular members who have in the range of 2 to 10 years of sobriety. It's their meeting. They should set the agenda. When I was getting sober there weren't even car phones let alone texting and cell phones and Facebook. These people are going to have to live with the consequences of the decisions so let them call the shots. Elder Statesman rather that Bleeding Deacon.
From my casual conversations I think what will happen is that our younger, healthier, braver members can start the process by showing up in person and the rest of us will continue online. This seems appropriate. And I think that the group will come up with suggested attire and seating arrangements and if someone doesn't follow them so be it. I guess anyone who doesn't like this can leave.
It'll be alright. We'll get there.
So society is beginning to slowly open back up with audible creaks and groans and black-snake moans. It's tentative at best. And we're going to have to decide, as a Fellowship, what this means for us. I'm guessing, like society at large, that some of our members are going to want to proceed with an excess of caution while some are frustrated that things aren't back to "where they used to be" already. I can see the potential for discord. Imagine that: discord in a discordant Society. It's not like alcoholics have ever disagreed with each other about anything.
My large morning group is going to have a business meeting two days from today. I generally avoid these cesspools of discordant punk rock because I have enough of a tendency to seek out the low point of my serenity without getting together with a bunch of idiots who can't see how right I am about everything. Like I need to get into a prolonged discussion about the proper procedure for getting a cake ordered for a birthday celebration. Seriously - this topic ended up heated and lengthy.
Complicating matters is that this group is downtown so it gets a steady stream of the homeless and people from halfway houses and treatment centers. They aren't a large percentage but they're measurable. While these folks are certainly welcome, by god, they can also be problematic with their grubby, unwashed hands and tendency to use the bathrooms and dig into the cookies and coffee.
I'm the Temporary Friday Internet Secretary for this group - whatever the fuck that is - so I'm obligated to show up and, befitting my position as the Ruler of the Universe, I've worked up a lot of suggestions as to how we start the meeting rolling again. One would be to count off into a few smaller groups that would be dispersed to different corners of the room and - yeah - that's not happening. Another would be to stagger the meeting so that the early risers could come at 6:30 instead of 7:00 which would allow a second wave to start at 7:45 and - holy shit, yeah - that's not happening either. A solid suggestion might be to announce some rules about mask-wearing and social-distancing and - boy, alcoholics love someone telling them to follow a rule - so not a prayer for that working. And that last suggestion would imply someone might need to point out to rules-flaunters that they were flaunting the rules. I can see that working well - a woman secretary, who weighs 105 pounds, telling some belligerent dude without a mask that he has to leave.
I was initially ready to present these choices at the business meeting. I was getting worked up - pre-worked up - that these outstanding choices would not be accepted even though they're all fucking outstanding. My time in The Program has taught me to seek counsel when I'm unsure of myself, of my motives, to bounce my incredible, infallible thoughts off other members, especially when I'm girding my loins for mortal combat.
The pressure in my self-righteous balloon has been relieved. I will take a Vow of Silence. Frankly, I think the direction of any meeting should be set by regular members who have in the range of 2 to 10 years of sobriety. It's their meeting. They should set the agenda. When I was getting sober there weren't even car phones let alone texting and cell phones and Facebook. These people are going to have to live with the consequences of the decisions so let them call the shots. Elder Statesman rather that Bleeding Deacon.
From my casual conversations I think what will happen is that our younger, healthier, braver members can start the process by showing up in person and the rest of us will continue online. This seems appropriate. And I think that the group will come up with suggested attire and seating arrangements and if someone doesn't follow them so be it. I guess anyone who doesn't like this can leave.
It'll be alright. We'll get there.
Wednesday, June 3, 2020
Self-Centered Everything
Self: One individual's personality, character, disposition, or demeanor.
"The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear - primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration." P 76 12&12
So . . . am I not getting what I want? Or I am being forced into a situation that is not to my liking? Continuously disturbed. I demand something! You . . . are . . . . SO . . . . frustrating.
"We consider our plans for he day. Before we begin (our meditation), we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others may be helped. PP 86-7
I'm pretty sure I enjoy being unhappy. There's no other explanation for all of the time I spend trying to make myself unhappy, especially focusing on why I'm not getting what I want or why I'm being made to do something I don't want to do. That and focusing on people I barely know - or don't know at all - and all the ways that they're screwing up existence. There is so much pleasantness inherent in my existence, yet I look elsewhere, I look away, look away, look away.
Do you have a dog in that fight?
"The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear - primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration." P 76 12&12
So . . . am I not getting what I want? Or I am being forced into a situation that is not to my liking? Continuously disturbed. I demand something! You . . . are . . . . SO . . . . frustrating.
"We consider our plans for he day. Before we begin (our meditation), we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others may be helped. PP 86-7
I'm pretty sure I enjoy being unhappy. There's no other explanation for all of the time I spend trying to make myself unhappy, especially focusing on why I'm not getting what I want or why I'm being made to do something I don't want to do. That and focusing on people I barely know - or don't know at all - and all the ways that they're screwing up existence. There is so much pleasantness inherent in my existence, yet I look elsewhere, I look away, look away, look away.
Do you have a dog in that fight?
Tuesday, June 2, 2020
Confusing Seaweed
Quiet: With little or no sound; free of disturbing noise. (Ed. Note: I did not see the adjective "disturbing" as a possibility. It's nice.)
Time: The inevitable progression into the future with the passing of present events into the past. (Ed. Note: You knew this was going to be a cool definition.) The indefinite continued progress of existence of events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole. (Ed. Note: God, this is like eating M&Ms or good, salty, vinegar potato chips.)
Quiet Time: (Ed. Note: I'm not even going to try to come up with a definition that would marry those two concepts into a coherent ham sandwich.)
My morning Quiet Times have definitely evolved over the years. While I was working - especially when I had early reveille so that I could get on the road to a distant factory - I had a strict 20 minute policy. Whatever I needed to get done I got done in 20 minutes - this ended up being mostly praying and trying to stay awake. Meditation or sitting quietly turned into a semi-hallucinatory state, a fugue recovery experience (Ed. Note: "Fugue" was my Word of the Day on Saturday so I had to work it in.) so I tried to avoid it.
Now that my time in the morning is a lot more unstructured I find that meditation is possible and, even more importantly for me, that free-form mind time can be quite pleasant. I try to sit and see what happens. I try to avoid too much thinking but I don't try to force this - sometimes good, positive solutioney things happen. I know that the brain is working away beneath the level of consciousness so as long as I give it some space to ramble it often comes up with better solutions to all of my horrible conundrums better than I can accomplish by actively trying to solve them.
Most importantly I avoid screens. Screens, on the whole, are pretty evil and pretty destructive. Our brains, which have been evolving for a long time in a screen-free environment, are not equipped to handle the crush of information thrown at them and are especially not equipped to handle the speed with which this information changes - part of the addiction, of course, is trying to keep up with the newest, hottest bit of crap, even though that crap is often wrong - and especially ESPECIALLY crap that is being manipulated by people who have PhDs in behavioral psychology from really impressive universities and have absolutely no interest in truth or reality or anything except getting you to return to look at their advertisements.
Yes, I understand the irony of this rant that I'm composing on a screen. Piss off, OK?
Time: The inevitable progression into the future with the passing of present events into the past. (Ed. Note: You knew this was going to be a cool definition.) The indefinite continued progress of existence of events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole. (Ed. Note: God, this is like eating M&Ms or good, salty, vinegar potato chips.)
Quiet Time: (Ed. Note: I'm not even going to try to come up with a definition that would marry those two concepts into a coherent ham sandwich.)
My morning Quiet Times have definitely evolved over the years. While I was working - especially when I had early reveille so that I could get on the road to a distant factory - I had a strict 20 minute policy. Whatever I needed to get done I got done in 20 minutes - this ended up being mostly praying and trying to stay awake. Meditation or sitting quietly turned into a semi-hallucinatory state, a fugue recovery experience (Ed. Note: "Fugue" was my Word of the Day on Saturday so I had to work it in.) so I tried to avoid it.
Now that my time in the morning is a lot more unstructured I find that meditation is possible and, even more importantly for me, that free-form mind time can be quite pleasant. I try to sit and see what happens. I try to avoid too much thinking but I don't try to force this - sometimes good, positive solutioney things happen. I know that the brain is working away beneath the level of consciousness so as long as I give it some space to ramble it often comes up with better solutions to all of my horrible conundrums better than I can accomplish by actively trying to solve them.
Most importantly I avoid screens. Screens, on the whole, are pretty evil and pretty destructive. Our brains, which have been evolving for a long time in a screen-free environment, are not equipped to handle the crush of information thrown at them and are especially not equipped to handle the speed with which this information changes - part of the addiction, of course, is trying to keep up with the newest, hottest bit of crap, even though that crap is often wrong - and especially ESPECIALLY crap that is being manipulated by people who have PhDs in behavioral psychology from really impressive universities and have absolutely no interest in truth or reality or anything except getting you to return to look at their advertisements.
Yes, I understand the irony of this rant that I'm composing on a screen. Piss off, OK?
Monday, June 1, 2020
Grateful Seaweed
Grateful: Appreciative; thankful.
An extensive study was done where a group of people was asked to record their thoughts about gratitude while another group wrote down the stuff that annoyed them. The results? The group that kept a Gratitude List began to report a greater sense of optimism and well-being, and the effect actually began to show up in their blood pressure and heart rate and sleep patterns. The longer the gratitude people persisted at this exercise the more pronounced the results.
One important caveat must be pointed out: "It was not enough to be conscious of one's advantages; one had to be grateful for them. Advantages alone - even awareness of them - weren't enough, perhaps because they can be lost. Gratitude, on the other hand, was an affirmation that the world gave you things, and might continue to do so."
Boy, those sponsors and their gratitude lists.
An extensive study was done where a group of people was asked to record their thoughts about gratitude while another group wrote down the stuff that annoyed them. The results? The group that kept a Gratitude List began to report a greater sense of optimism and well-being, and the effect actually began to show up in their blood pressure and heart rate and sleep patterns. The longer the gratitude people persisted at this exercise the more pronounced the results.
One important caveat must be pointed out: "It was not enough to be conscious of one's advantages; one had to be grateful for them. Advantages alone - even awareness of them - weren't enough, perhaps because they can be lost. Gratitude, on the other hand, was an affirmation that the world gave you things, and might continue to do so."
Boy, those sponsors and their gratitude lists.
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