Social: Needing companionship and therefore best suited to living in communities; cooperating or growing in groups.
Individual: Single; separate; a person considered alone as opposed to belonging to a group of people.
I have had some problematic conversations with family members, friends, and fellow AA members about the shitstorm we're all living through right now. I get it - this is a pain in the ass. It's difficult. It's painful. I . . . don't . . . like . . . it . . . either. I also understand that whatever mental and emotional termites you have gnawing away at your serenity and peace of mind are presently boring more deeply. They are chewing up load-bearing walls. I find that my "restraint of tongue and pen" has been translating into "you, sir or madam, are a fucking idiot and I'm going to tell you why." I had a testy exchange with my sister this morning - a perfectly wonderful human being - who is definitely looking at this crap from an inward looking perspective. In my mind a self-centered "what about me?" perspective.
I did not hold my tongue. I believe I was mostly polite and kind but I soldiered ahead, doggedly, committed to getting my point across.
Restraint: Control or caution; reserve.
This did not go well. You know how you can sense that someone's opinion is deeply held and firmly entrenched and you . . . are . . . not . . . going . . . to dislodge it no matter how much mental dynamite you use? The times when you know deep down that you shut just shut your pie hole? The funny thing is that I was going through my Gratitude List this morning and popped off a casual "how ya' doin' " email to check up on her family as we don't communicate regularly - never have. Fifteen minutes later I'm leaving for a walk, annoyed as hell.
The other funny thing is that yesterday I wrote this big thing about love. Yes, well, talking is easier than doing, eh wot?
Thursday, April 30, 2020
Wednesday, April 29, 2020
We Have To Live It
"The spiritual life is not a theory - we have to live it. So we clean house . . . asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness, and love." P 83 BB.
I searched the Big Book for the word "love" and was astounded how rarely it's mentioned, and usually in non-personal connotations like "loved to drink."
Love: An intense feeling of deep affection. (Ed. Note: Weak! Weak! Weak definition! Miriam Webster can't even come up with a robust definition for love.)
To continue my amusement of my daily existential battle of Problem V Solution has led me this morning to the idea of what it means to love someone or something. In my tight-assed, buttoned-down, conservative, Lutheran, German upbringing I was led to believe that love was restricted to god, your family, and a significant other. I never understood that it was something much larger than that.
I tell the story of a man I was helping out in sincity (and by "helping out" I mean "he was helping me out") who ended a phone call one time with a "Love you, man." This stopped me in my tracks and frankly offended me a little bit. He continued to sign off this way, seemingly not offended by my tight-assed silence. Then one day he didn't say it and - guess what? - that offended me. You see how it is with me - you're screwed if you do and you're screwed if you don't. I can find a problem with everything.
I began to toss it out with some of best boyfriends and it felt good to do it and it was usually returned. I started, from time to time, to sneak up behind one of them as they were waiting for the meeting to start, and gave them a big kiss on the cheek. I haven't been decked yet. People that see it usually love it although I did hear one tight-assed guy say: "Well, that was weird."
It has been here in California, only a few years ago, after many years of sobriety, that it occurred to me that there were a handful of women that I loved, too. One morning before our meeting I was talking to a woman that I know fairly well. I don't find her that interesting and we have very little in common so our conversations are pretty chit-chatty but she has been important to my sobriety so I said: "You know - I do love you." She was so obviously tickled shitless about this that it made my day - it made my week.
I'm careful with this word with my girlfriends. It has a ton of weight behind it and I need for everyone to understand that it comes from a special part of my heart. I don't want anyone to misunderstand. The idea of love can be used for selfish reasons. I get to hear women say it to me, too. Not a lot of them - this is not something I toss about willy-nilly.
I have come to believe that love is something with all kinds of different levels and intensities. I love people differently. My feelings can ebb and flow but love is love. There are guys that I have had words with but that I still love. It doesn't go away - it changes, it metamorphisizes, it migrates.
Don't tell anyone I'm talking like this. I have a big-city, east-coast, look-of-irritation, sarcastic reputation to uphold.
I searched the Big Book for the word "love" and was astounded how rarely it's mentioned, and usually in non-personal connotations like "loved to drink."
Love: An intense feeling of deep affection. (Ed. Note: Weak! Weak! Weak definition! Miriam Webster can't even come up with a robust definition for love.)
To continue my amusement of my daily existential battle of Problem V Solution has led me this morning to the idea of what it means to love someone or something. In my tight-assed, buttoned-down, conservative, Lutheran, German upbringing I was led to believe that love was restricted to god, your family, and a significant other. I never understood that it was something much larger than that.
I tell the story of a man I was helping out in sincity (and by "helping out" I mean "he was helping me out") who ended a phone call one time with a "Love you, man." This stopped me in my tracks and frankly offended me a little bit. He continued to sign off this way, seemingly not offended by my tight-assed silence. Then one day he didn't say it and - guess what? - that offended me. You see how it is with me - you're screwed if you do and you're screwed if you don't. I can find a problem with everything.
I began to toss it out with some of best boyfriends and it felt good to do it and it was usually returned. I started, from time to time, to sneak up behind one of them as they were waiting for the meeting to start, and gave them a big kiss on the cheek. I haven't been decked yet. People that see it usually love it although I did hear one tight-assed guy say: "Well, that was weird."
It has been here in California, only a few years ago, after many years of sobriety, that it occurred to me that there were a handful of women that I loved, too. One morning before our meeting I was talking to a woman that I know fairly well. I don't find her that interesting and we have very little in common so our conversations are pretty chit-chatty but she has been important to my sobriety so I said: "You know - I do love you." She was so obviously tickled shitless about this that it made my day - it made my week.
I'm careful with this word with my girlfriends. It has a ton of weight behind it and I need for everyone to understand that it comes from a special part of my heart. I don't want anyone to misunderstand. The idea of love can be used for selfish reasons. I get to hear women say it to me, too. Not a lot of them - this is not something I toss about willy-nilly.
I have come to believe that love is something with all kinds of different levels and intensities. I love people differently. My feelings can ebb and flow but love is love. There are guys that I have had words with but that I still love. It doesn't go away - it changes, it metamorphisizes, it migrates.
Don't tell anyone I'm talking like this. I have a big-city, east-coast, look-of-irritation, sarcastic reputation to uphold.
Tuesday, April 28, 2020
Loosely Losing
Simplify: Make something easier to do or understand.
As I doggedly search for the good in everything I've come up with some mini-donut gems during the pandemic and Hostess mini-donuts, fresh ones, not some off-brand mini-donut that has been sitting on the shelf at Wal-Mart or a discount food broker. I've come up with more than I would have imagined. For me, the lack of different activities that I can obsessively engage in has turned out to be a real blessing. I don't feel like I'm always leaving something undone so it allows me to more deeply enjoy whatever I'm doing. I don't have to rush through anything to get to the next thing because I don't have enough next things to fill up my day. My morning Quiet Times are robust right now - I'm not sitting down with my eye on the clock, aware that there are four or five things queued up on my schedule. I can let my mind idly, drift, explore. It has been remarkably pleasant. Peaceful.
I'm reminded of our great Ohio to Oregon decampment. We had a three story house with a full basement and there was Stuff in every room. Neither of us are pack-rats - there were no piles of tuna fish cans or flattened cereal boxes - but it was too easy to take something that we didn't use or need anymore and put it somewhere. So when we started to shed things for the big cross-country move my emotions whipsawed between pain and relief. It was freeing to lose the weight of the Stuff even as I worried that I might need the particular piece of Stuff I was currently shedding, the old piece of furniture, the coat that was a little too small, the electric shrub trimmer I had to trim shrubs I no longer had. Of course, we shed the easiest things first and these were easier to do but as we got deeper into the piles the items became more potentially useful or had more significant memories. We got rid of a shitload of stuff only to find that we humped about 70% too much stuff with us.
Stuff: v. Force or cram (something) into a receptacle or space.
n. Matter, material, articles, or activities of a specified or indeterminate kind that are being referred to, indicated, or applied.
It takes currency - both the cash money kind and, more insidiously, the emotional currency kind - to manage and maintain and control Stuff. I'm glad to be rid of it. I rarely think: "Boy, that piece of Stuff would really come in handy right now." We sold a few things but mostly pitched Stuff or gave it away. I had thousands of dollars of high end audio equipment that had been replaced with small electronic devices. This Stuff is of no interest to anyone under 40 and of little interest to anyone older, most of whom were also sitting on tons of unused audio equipment. It was weird and a little unsettling to jettison things that had cost so much money and been the source of so much pleasure but if I still had it there would be unopened boxes, moldering in my shed right now, comfy homes for mice and such.
Isn't this the Buddhist way? Letting go of . . . everything? Losing attachments, longing, possessing?
Good riddance, Stuff.
As I doggedly search for the good in everything I've come up with some mini-donut gems during the pandemic and Hostess mini-donuts, fresh ones, not some off-brand mini-donut that has been sitting on the shelf at Wal-Mart or a discount food broker. I've come up with more than I would have imagined. For me, the lack of different activities that I can obsessively engage in has turned out to be a real blessing. I don't feel like I'm always leaving something undone so it allows me to more deeply enjoy whatever I'm doing. I don't have to rush through anything to get to the next thing because I don't have enough next things to fill up my day. My morning Quiet Times are robust right now - I'm not sitting down with my eye on the clock, aware that there are four or five things queued up on my schedule. I can let my mind idly, drift, explore. It has been remarkably pleasant. Peaceful.
I'm reminded of our great Ohio to Oregon decampment. We had a three story house with a full basement and there was Stuff in every room. Neither of us are pack-rats - there were no piles of tuna fish cans or flattened cereal boxes - but it was too easy to take something that we didn't use or need anymore and put it somewhere. So when we started to shed things for the big cross-country move my emotions whipsawed between pain and relief. It was freeing to lose the weight of the Stuff even as I worried that I might need the particular piece of Stuff I was currently shedding, the old piece of furniture, the coat that was a little too small, the electric shrub trimmer I had to trim shrubs I no longer had. Of course, we shed the easiest things first and these were easier to do but as we got deeper into the piles the items became more potentially useful or had more significant memories. We got rid of a shitload of stuff only to find that we humped about 70% too much stuff with us.
Stuff: v. Force or cram (something) into a receptacle or space.
n. Matter, material, articles, or activities of a specified or indeterminate kind that are being referred to, indicated, or applied.
It takes currency - both the cash money kind and, more insidiously, the emotional currency kind - to manage and maintain and control Stuff. I'm glad to be rid of it. I rarely think: "Boy, that piece of Stuff would really come in handy right now." We sold a few things but mostly pitched Stuff or gave it away. I had thousands of dollars of high end audio equipment that had been replaced with small electronic devices. This Stuff is of no interest to anyone under 40 and of little interest to anyone older, most of whom were also sitting on tons of unused audio equipment. It was weird and a little unsettling to jettison things that had cost so much money and been the source of so much pleasure but if I still had it there would be unopened boxes, moldering in my shed right now, comfy homes for mice and such.
Isn't this the Buddhist way? Letting go of . . . everything? Losing attachments, longing, possessing?
Good riddance, Stuff.
Monday, April 27, 2020
Bewildered Seaweed
Solution: An act, plan or other means, used or proposed, to solve a problem.
Here's an old Chinese proverb about heaven and hell . . . Maybe it's Japanese. It could be pretty new, too. I saw it referenced on The Simpson's so it's probably total bullshit.
A big group of friends and family are seated around a dinner table heaped with steaming, delicious food. Everyone's hungry so they grab their chopsticks and start to dig in, only to find that the chopsticks are six feet long and they can't get the food anywhere near their mouths. They're in hell.
Each friend picks up a piece of food and aims it at the mouth of someone across the table who is conveniently six feet away. Plenty of accessible food for everyone and the party's on. They're in heaven.
Same place, same table, same circumstances, different outcome. So am I looking for the solution today or am I looking for the problem? I'm joking, of course - I'm looking for the problem. You can do whatever you want.
I confess that initially, when confronting the problem, I thought: Why don't they just pick up the food with their hands? Or break the chopsticks so they're shorter. Or get some fucking flatware, for chrissake. Who came up with the idea of eating food with two flimsy sticks? The German in me is always looking for a solution to a problem.
True fact: when the first Europeans came to Asia and ate with forks and knives the locals were astounded: "These idiots are barbarians - they're eating with their weapons!" A knife was used to skewer an enemy, not your moo goo gai pan.
Sing me a song, you're a singer.
Do me a wrong, you're a bringer of evil.
The devil is never a maker,
The less that you give you're a taker.
So it's on and on and on.
It's heaven and hell.
Thomas Carlyle - 18th Century British philosopher.
It's bad luck to kill a seabird. They carry the souls of men and women who have been lost at sea.
The lesson? Don't kill so many seabirds.
Here's an old Chinese proverb about heaven and hell . . . Maybe it's Japanese. It could be pretty new, too. I saw it referenced on The Simpson's so it's probably total bullshit.
A big group of friends and family are seated around a dinner table heaped with steaming, delicious food. Everyone's hungry so they grab their chopsticks and start to dig in, only to find that the chopsticks are six feet long and they can't get the food anywhere near their mouths. They're in hell.
Each friend picks up a piece of food and aims it at the mouth of someone across the table who is conveniently six feet away. Plenty of accessible food for everyone and the party's on. They're in heaven.
Same place, same table, same circumstances, different outcome. So am I looking for the solution today or am I looking for the problem? I'm joking, of course - I'm looking for the problem. You can do whatever you want.
I confess that initially, when confronting the problem, I thought: Why don't they just pick up the food with their hands? Or break the chopsticks so they're shorter. Or get some fucking flatware, for chrissake. Who came up with the idea of eating food with two flimsy sticks? The German in me is always looking for a solution to a problem.
True fact: when the first Europeans came to Asia and ate with forks and knives the locals were astounded: "These idiots are barbarians - they're eating with their weapons!" A knife was used to skewer an enemy, not your moo goo gai pan.
Sing me a song, you're a singer.
Do me a wrong, you're a bringer of evil.
The devil is never a maker,
The less that you give you're a taker.
So it's on and on and on.
It's heaven and hell.
Thomas Carlyle - 18th Century British philosopher.
It's bad luck to kill a seabird. They carry the souls of men and women who have been lost at sea.
The lesson? Don't kill so many seabirds.
Sunday, April 26, 2020
Bedevilment: To harass or cause trouble for; to plague.
"We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people . . . "
Dude who led the meeting this morning read this section right out of the Big Book. And who would want to give all of that referenced stuff up? It sounds like a magical way of living. This section - in To The Agnostics - serves as a nice counterpoint to The Promises. While we spend more time on What It's Like Now, on The Solution, it is good to keep a watchful eye on What It Was Like, on The Problems that brought us down. I need to say every now and then: "Oh, yeah, right - that was a fucking miserable existence."
I think tomorrow I'm going to use the nickname Bedevilment Steve. I was leaning toward Bewildered Steve but this one is in the lead.
"We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people . . . "
Dude who led the meeting this morning read this section right out of the Big Book. And who would want to give all of that referenced stuff up? It sounds like a magical way of living. This section - in To The Agnostics - serves as a nice counterpoint to The Promises. While we spend more time on What It's Like Now, on The Solution, it is good to keep a watchful eye on What It Was Like, on The Problems that brought us down. I need to say every now and then: "Oh, yeah, right - that was a fucking miserable existence."
I think tomorrow I'm going to use the nickname Bedevilment Steve. I was leaning toward Bewildered Steve but this one is in the lead.
Saturday, April 25, 2020
Off The List!
I have an ever-evolving contact list on my phone. It's subject to a constant winnowing and adjusting. The process can be brutal. As a general rule I have no tolerance for most people but when I'm calling these people voluntarily, of my own free will, there are some general rules that must be adhered to. I'm not saying they're good rules or that they're rules you should have, rather that they're my rules and they rule. If you violate the rules you are subject to ejection. You are purged from my phone. It's as if you've never existed, that you have never walked on the face of the earth. There is no record of you. No one remembers. No one cares. You will be forgotten.
Don't take it personally, either - people better than you have been ejected and they have been ejected more quickly than you have. There are people about who I'm conflicted - they can be ejected and then reappear, sometimes multiple times. There are people on my phone list that I can't stand but they remain because they adhere to the rules and there are people I love who violate the rules, so . . . off they go. Banished. Gone. Vanished.
To Thine Own Self Be True.
The main rule, rule number one, is simply that you return my phone call. Is that too much to ask? You are forgiven once. Everyone makes a mistake, lets something slip their mind, gets distracted or too busy, but if you don't call back after a second message you're off the list. Period. No exceptions. I spent my whole career calling people who often didn't call back so I'm not putting up with that shit in my retirement. I don't mean to suggest I do this sullenly, either, but rather with the greatest good cheer. No hard feelings on my end. Lots of people don't enjoy talking on the phone or they're too busy to chat idly or - god forbid, horror of horrors - they don't want to talk to me. I don't take it personally. I don't like the sound of my own voice half the time. I still like most of these people and still enjoy talking to them in person or even chatting via the gutless, cowardly text message.
Come to think of it I'm not sure there are any other rules. Really, that's the only one. We're all adults here. It's part of the social contract that adheres to us adults to return phone calls. If the phone relationship is not to be I'll pick up on that quickly. I'm not selling anything. I don't have a garage full of vacuum cleaners or nutritional supplements. I don't take it personally. When people don't appreciate my calls I can hear it and I quit calling. I've got tons of people to call. And I understand people can be busy, very busy. If you're that busy just shoot me a text or an email telling me that you're too busy to talk. Cool. I get it. No hard feelings.
SuperK: "And you wonder why you don't have many sponsees . . . "
Don't take it personally, either - people better than you have been ejected and they have been ejected more quickly than you have. There are people about who I'm conflicted - they can be ejected and then reappear, sometimes multiple times. There are people on my phone list that I can't stand but they remain because they adhere to the rules and there are people I love who violate the rules, so . . . off they go. Banished. Gone. Vanished.
To Thine Own Self Be True.
The main rule, rule number one, is simply that you return my phone call. Is that too much to ask? You are forgiven once. Everyone makes a mistake, lets something slip their mind, gets distracted or too busy, but if you don't call back after a second message you're off the list. Period. No exceptions. I spent my whole career calling people who often didn't call back so I'm not putting up with that shit in my retirement. I don't mean to suggest I do this sullenly, either, but rather with the greatest good cheer. No hard feelings on my end. Lots of people don't enjoy talking on the phone or they're too busy to chat idly or - god forbid, horror of horrors - they don't want to talk to me. I don't take it personally. I don't like the sound of my own voice half the time. I still like most of these people and still enjoy talking to them in person or even chatting via the gutless, cowardly text message.
Come to think of it I'm not sure there are any other rules. Really, that's the only one. We're all adults here. It's part of the social contract that adheres to us adults to return phone calls. If the phone relationship is not to be I'll pick up on that quickly. I'm not selling anything. I don't have a garage full of vacuum cleaners or nutritional supplements. I don't take it personally. When people don't appreciate my calls I can hear it and I quit calling. I've got tons of people to call. And I understand people can be busy, very busy. If you're that busy just shoot me a text or an email telling me that you're too busy to talk. Cool. I get it. No hard feelings.
SuperK: "And you wonder why you don't have many sponsees . . . "
Friday, April 24, 2020
Of The Written Transcript
Insanity: Exhibiting unsoundness or disorder of mind.
". . . could restore me to sanity." I always resented the fact that Bill snuck that part about insanity right in at the very end of Step Two. In fact, that last paragraph is the only mention of insanity in the entire Step. There is a robust, detailed discussion of all of the ways that people can lose faith or reject faith or criticize people of faith and then . . . boom . . . oh, yeah, you're crazy. I think I was a couple of years sober before I realized that I was being termed a lunatic despite all of the evidence of lunatic behavior. He really slipped that in there at the last minute when we're all tired of reading and not paying close attention.
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I laugh when I recall the first time I took one of those twenty-five question surveys that help you decide whether or not you have a drinking problem. I had like fourteen positives (and this was with some robust lying) and thought: "Hey, that's not too bad" only to find out if you answered yes to two or three of them you probably had a problem.
If you want to suppress attendance at a meeting read out of one the books. If a sponsee is annoying you give them some work to do. Preferably a writing assignment or some annoying service work. That will focus the calls on what matters.
D'oh!
There's a guy I met when he came back into The Program after tossing ten years of sobriety down the spit sink to work on his lead. I like the guy but I was talking to someone who was lurking around the outer ridges of sanity. He wasn't a lock-me-up-now lunatic but his thinking - and then his actions - were not symptomatic of an ordered mind.
I listened politely for a while and then I wasn't so polite. Eventually, I became downright rude. I like this guy and he knows this so he understood that my blunt comments came from a good place. But . . . I mean . . . if you would read a written transcript (Ed. Note: A transcript is by definition "written" so I'm trying to sound smarter than I am by adding an extra word.) you'd wonder why this guy hasn't popped me in the nose.
I think you can start to tell when someone is ready to get sober. They quit arguing. They start listening and they start pondering all kinds of advice instead of rejecting it outright. In my case if it isn't my idea I'm not going to do it. My friend - who talks to lots of people - is really rolling right now. He was willing to give something new a shot.
". . . could restore me to sanity." I always resented the fact that Bill snuck that part about insanity right in at the very end of Step Two. In fact, that last paragraph is the only mention of insanity in the entire Step. There is a robust, detailed discussion of all of the ways that people can lose faith or reject faith or criticize people of faith and then . . . boom . . . oh, yeah, you're crazy. I think I was a couple of years sober before I realized that I was being termed a lunatic despite all of the evidence of lunatic behavior. He really slipped that in there at the last minute when we're all tired of reading and not paying close attention.
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I laugh when I recall the first time I took one of those twenty-five question surveys that help you decide whether or not you have a drinking problem. I had like fourteen positives (and this was with some robust lying) and thought: "Hey, that's not too bad" only to find out if you answered yes to two or three of them you probably had a problem.
If you want to suppress attendance at a meeting read out of one the books. If a sponsee is annoying you give them some work to do. Preferably a writing assignment or some annoying service work. That will focus the calls on what matters.
D'oh!
There's a guy I met when he came back into The Program after tossing ten years of sobriety down the spit sink to work on his lead. I like the guy but I was talking to someone who was lurking around the outer ridges of sanity. He wasn't a lock-me-up-now lunatic but his thinking - and then his actions - were not symptomatic of an ordered mind.
I listened politely for a while and then I wasn't so polite. Eventually, I became downright rude. I like this guy and he knows this so he understood that my blunt comments came from a good place. But . . . I mean . . . if you would read a written transcript (Ed. Note: A transcript is by definition "written" so I'm trying to sound smarter than I am by adding an extra word.) you'd wonder why this guy hasn't popped me in the nose.
I think you can start to tell when someone is ready to get sober. They quit arguing. They start listening and they start pondering all kinds of advice instead of rejecting it outright. In my case if it isn't my idea I'm not going to do it. My friend - who talks to lots of people - is really rolling right now. He was willing to give something new a shot.
Thursday, April 23, 2020
Slightly Everything
Annoyed: Slightly angry; irritated.
Irritated: Showing or feeling slight anger; annoyed.
So what happens if I'm extremely annoyed and/or irritated? It would seem to screw up the definition. It would be like being extremely unique. You are unique or you are not. You can't be very unique because something unique is unlike anything else. Think about it!
This from Wikipedia . . .
Annoyance is an unpleasant mental state that is characterized by irritation and distraction from one's conscious thinking. It can lead to emotions such as frustration and anger.
Many stimuli that one is at first neutral to, or even finds pleasant, can turn into annoyances from repeated continued exposure.
A study published in the International Journal of Conflict Management found that one's response to an annoyance, at least when the perceived cause is another person, escalate to more extreme levels as they go unresolved. It also found that one was more likely to blame the party who was causing the annoyance in the study, rather than one's self, for the annoyance as it escalated.
See? There it is again. A reminder that I need to look at myself and not you. Every time I delve into character defects - whether in The Program or in any other mental health forum I find that there is this reminder that it's always about me and not about you. Even when I run into people who really are irritating the solution is within myself.
I repeat this anecdote about a man who was always bitching to his sponsor about other people. He called him on the phone one day and the dude picked up, said: "It's not them - it's you" and hung up. He swears this is not anecdotal, that it really happened. Brevity is underrated as a motivating tool. There was zero nuance in that exchange which is why it was so effective.
Sometimes I'm just irritable. It's OK. It happens to most of us except for those incredibly irritating people who seem to be happy and content most of the time. This isolation stuff is wearing on everyone. I find myself rushing outside when a neighbor walks by. I stand on the patio and shout at them as they move down the road. I'm going out to engage people I can's stand, for chrissake.
Kenner: "This, too, shall pass."
Irritated: Showing or feeling slight anger; annoyed.
So what happens if I'm extremely annoyed and/or irritated? It would seem to screw up the definition. It would be like being extremely unique. You are unique or you are not. You can't be very unique because something unique is unlike anything else. Think about it!
This from Wikipedia . . .
Annoyance is an unpleasant mental state that is characterized by irritation and distraction from one's conscious thinking. It can lead to emotions such as frustration and anger.
Many stimuli that one is at first neutral to, or even finds pleasant, can turn into annoyances from repeated continued exposure.
A study published in the International Journal of Conflict Management found that one's response to an annoyance, at least when the perceived cause is another person, escalate to more extreme levels as they go unresolved. It also found that one was more likely to blame the party who was causing the annoyance in the study, rather than one's self, for the annoyance as it escalated.
See? There it is again. A reminder that I need to look at myself and not you. Every time I delve into character defects - whether in The Program or in any other mental health forum I find that there is this reminder that it's always about me and not about you. Even when I run into people who really are irritating the solution is within myself.
I repeat this anecdote about a man who was always bitching to his sponsor about other people. He called him on the phone one day and the dude picked up, said: "It's not them - it's you" and hung up. He swears this is not anecdotal, that it really happened. Brevity is underrated as a motivating tool. There was zero nuance in that exchange which is why it was so effective.
Sometimes I'm just irritable. It's OK. It happens to most of us except for those incredibly irritating people who seem to be happy and content most of the time. This isolation stuff is wearing on everyone. I find myself rushing outside when a neighbor walks by. I stand on the patio and shout at them as they move down the road. I'm going out to engage people I can's stand, for chrissake.
Kenner: "This, too, shall pass."
Wednesday, April 22, 2020
R.I.D.s
I'm out of ideas this morning so I go to my Go To topic: Definitions! Really, though, words are great. There's a lot of interesting stuff - and surprising stuff - in the definitions. I'm going to a Big Book meeting today where one of the members has an AA dictionary and she is called on to read out definitions all the time. We zip and zoom through the words without understanding what they mean a lot of the time and this is heretical for those of us who believe that there is at least some spiritual or magical or intuitive force behind the writing of the books. The words were carefully chosen and are very important. Can you imagine the editing and arguing that went on as the book was being subjected to a peer review from a bunch of restless, irritable, discontented, and newly sober drunks? Whew.
The following definitions come from the Doctor's Opinion: "They are restless, irritable, and discontented unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort that comes at once by taking a few drinks . . . " I like the phrase "at once." As soon as that shot of whiskey or half a can of beer - taken in one, long slug - hit my stomach the bad feelings vanished.
Restless: Unable to be still or quiet; uneasy; continually moving.
Irritable: Having one's patience greatly taxed; greatly annoyed; made furious. (Ed. Note: the second definition that came up was Irritable Bowel Syndrome which would be an EXCELLENT name for a heavy metal band.)
Discontented: Experiencing dissatisfaction.
I chose these words this morning because I was thinking about my restless spirit. I think I'm irritable and discontented in moderation but restless is my middle name, and I say that in a positive way. I'm curious and adventurous and I want to see what else is going on out there. I don't want to sit in the status quo. I don't want to do what I did yesterday. For chrissake I'm going to be dead in a few years. Why would I want to repeat something?
Always: At all time; throughout all time.
Never: At no time; on no occasion; in no circumstance. (Ed. Note: Boy, always and never really go at it, head to head, mano to mano.)
Forever: For all time, for all eternity; for an infinite amount of time.
These are good words for me to ponder and remember. My tendency is to dwell in the far reaches of extremes.
The following definitions come from the Doctor's Opinion: "They are restless, irritable, and discontented unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort that comes at once by taking a few drinks . . . " I like the phrase "at once." As soon as that shot of whiskey or half a can of beer - taken in one, long slug - hit my stomach the bad feelings vanished.
Restless: Unable to be still or quiet; uneasy; continually moving.
Irritable: Having one's patience greatly taxed; greatly annoyed; made furious. (Ed. Note: the second definition that came up was Irritable Bowel Syndrome which would be an EXCELLENT name for a heavy metal band.)
Discontented: Experiencing dissatisfaction.
I chose these words this morning because I was thinking about my restless spirit. I think I'm irritable and discontented in moderation but restless is my middle name, and I say that in a positive way. I'm curious and adventurous and I want to see what else is going on out there. I don't want to sit in the status quo. I don't want to do what I did yesterday. For chrissake I'm going to be dead in a few years. Why would I want to repeat something?
Always: At all time; throughout all time.
Never: At no time; on no occasion; in no circumstance. (Ed. Note: Boy, always and never really go at it, head to head, mano to mano.)
Forever: For all time, for all eternity; for an infinite amount of time.
These are good words for me to ponder and remember. My tendency is to dwell in the far reaches of extremes.
Tuesday, April 21, 2020
I'm STILL Cold
Some suggestions for my gravestone . . . because I'm going to die soon. I'm dying, at least. I'm probably pretty sick but totally asymptomatic so, while I don't feel bad right now, I'm going to be in a lot of pain soon. There's no cure to whatever I have. No one will help me. I'll die alone, bereft, inconsolable, no one to wipe the sweat from my soggy brow. I'm just sayin'.
I Told You I Was Sick.
Get Away From Me.
Get OFF of Me!
What Are You Looking At?
So . . . It Comes to This?
Abe Simpson, Homer's father, was consigned to Hell in one episode. He's sitting there, barely visible for all of the flames:" I'm STILL cold." I can dig it.
I have no regrets about how I've lived my life. Not one. I wouldn't change a single thing. I like who I am today and believe that I had to go through every thing I went through to become this person. That doesn't mean I always behaved well or that I wish that my actions hadn't hurt other people or myself. I'm not faultless but I'm also not flawless. I learned how to be compassionate by hurting people and seeing their reaction and feeling crappy about it. I learned to be grateful for my work life and for my relationships and for my family by fucking things up from time to time.
Pray for patience and god puts you in long lines. Pray for tolerance and god puts you around people you find intolerable. Pray for understanding and god baffles you.
Yessir.
I Told You I Was Sick.
Get Away From Me.
Get OFF of Me!
What Are You Looking At?
So . . . It Comes to This?
Abe Simpson, Homer's father, was consigned to Hell in one episode. He's sitting there, barely visible for all of the flames:" I'm STILL cold." I can dig it.
I have no regrets about how I've lived my life. Not one. I wouldn't change a single thing. I like who I am today and believe that I had to go through every thing I went through to become this person. That doesn't mean I always behaved well or that I wish that my actions hadn't hurt other people or myself. I'm not faultless but I'm also not flawless. I learned how to be compassionate by hurting people and seeing their reaction and feeling crappy about it. I learned to be grateful for my work life and for my relationships and for my family by fucking things up from time to time.
Pray for patience and god puts you in long lines. Pray for tolerance and god puts you around people you find intolerable. Pray for understanding and god baffles you.
Yessir.
Monday, April 20, 2020
Are You an Irritator or an Irritatee?
Irritate: Make (someone) annoyed, impatient, or angry. (Ed Note: what if you find yourself annoyed, inpatient, AND angry? Which word should you use then?)
Annoy: Irritate (someone); make (someone) a little angry.
OK, so the Zoom meetings are beginning to annoy the shit out of me. You gotta love it, right? What did it take? Like a month for them to go from being a lifesaver to being a train wreck? One of the things that I found to be a big fat positive at the start - when the technology was new and confusing and intimidating to a lot of us - was that the Over Sharers and the Long Talkers and those who are Intimidated by the Camera have overcome their reluctance to irritate me. Alas, this intimidation factor has ceased waxing and begun waning and these irritating people have rediscovered their footing.
If you've never been to a bad meeting (meaning a meeting that irritates you) then you're not going to enough meetings. I have to be careful with the people that irritate me on a regular basis, especially when they irritate a lot of other people on a regular basis, because then I'm tempted to seek out the other irritatees and make sly, witty comments about the irritator. I need to keep in mind the spiritual axiom that reminds me to love someone for who they are and not who you want them to be.
It's clear that I have a manner of thinking that I can moderate and improve but that is still going to hang in there, despite my best efforts at eradication.
Annoy: Irritate (someone); make (someone) a little angry.
OK, so the Zoom meetings are beginning to annoy the shit out of me. You gotta love it, right? What did it take? Like a month for them to go from being a lifesaver to being a train wreck? One of the things that I found to be a big fat positive at the start - when the technology was new and confusing and intimidating to a lot of us - was that the Over Sharers and the Long Talkers and those who are Intimidated by the Camera have overcome their reluctance to irritate me. Alas, this intimidation factor has ceased waxing and begun waning and these irritating people have rediscovered their footing.
If you've never been to a bad meeting (meaning a meeting that irritates you) then you're not going to enough meetings. I have to be careful with the people that irritate me on a regular basis, especially when they irritate a lot of other people on a regular basis, because then I'm tempted to seek out the other irritatees and make sly, witty comments about the irritator. I need to keep in mind the spiritual axiom that reminds me to love someone for who they are and not who you want them to be.
It's clear that I have a manner of thinking that I can moderate and improve but that is still going to hang in there, despite my best efforts at eradication.
Sunday, April 19, 2020
Chicago Blues
I attended a Big Book meeting yesterday where we read the story about the woman who was one of the early pioneers in establishing AA in Chicago. Most of the stories affect me only peripherally but a few of them blare like a Klaxon. Dive! Dive! Dive! I have to admit that the stories that speak to me strongly are written by women. I have enough trouble with my masculinity as it is so this isn't especially reassuring. A couple of times - more than once - I have been at tag meetings where we alternate boy-girl-boy-girl and I've been called on to share by the man who just spoke. This isn't helpful, either.
Here are a few bullet points that screeched at me from the story:
Nothing is ever my fault. It's the fault of someone else unless the outcome is positive and then it's my own doing.
If I was in a situation where I knew I wasn't going to have access to enough alcohol to get good and drunk I wouldn't start drinking. Half a buzz is worse than no buzz at all. Plus, if I wasn't able to drink to my heart's content then I could let my passive-aggressive freak flag fly and pout like a two year old.
After I quit drinking the circumstances of my live deteriorated. Just because I was sober didn't mean that all of the wreckage I had been carefully cultivating went away. The banks still wanted their money, my bosses still loathed me, my legal/financial/relationship problems didn't magically disappear. I sunk for while. People didn't believe me which was an unbelievable thing to happen to a prodigious liar.
Her big finish was along these lines: Just do the work. Don't think about it, don't try to understand it, don't try to tweak it. There are only a few general spiritual principles we have to obey so do 'em.
Here are a few bullet points that screeched at me from the story:
Nothing is ever my fault. It's the fault of someone else unless the outcome is positive and then it's my own doing.
If I was in a situation where I knew I wasn't going to have access to enough alcohol to get good and drunk I wouldn't start drinking. Half a buzz is worse than no buzz at all. Plus, if I wasn't able to drink to my heart's content then I could let my passive-aggressive freak flag fly and pout like a two year old.
After I quit drinking the circumstances of my live deteriorated. Just because I was sober didn't mean that all of the wreckage I had been carefully cultivating went away. The banks still wanted their money, my bosses still loathed me, my legal/financial/relationship problems didn't magically disappear. I sunk for while. People didn't believe me which was an unbelievable thing to happen to a prodigious liar.
Her big finish was along these lines: Just do the work. Don't think about it, don't try to understand it, don't try to tweak it. There are only a few general spiritual principles we have to obey so do 'em.
Friday, April 17, 2020
Har Har de Har
Maybe some more solution stuff? I may ruin my reputation here. There's a young-ish dude who has become a really solid member of our morning meeting. He's around two years sober and has really thrown himself into The Fellowship, although he has fought everything every step of the way. I actually enjoy watching people like that grow if they stick around - you can see them fight and fight and fight, getting poor results, or no results, before finally trying our suggestions and finding out they work. I was like that, too. You couldn't tell me anything. I had to do things my own way until I would saw that my way sucked.
This dude has a nice sense of humor that the group really appreciates. He laughs at himself and he has an exquisite sense of timing. However, sometimes people like that joke about everything all of the time. I can do this and I'm not sure it's always healthy. I can hide a problem behind a joke or I can tease someone who isn't a spot where they can be teased. So I try to temper the humor with some honest sharing. One of the backhanded benefits of Zoom meetings is that you don't get any of the immediate feedback that the humorist needs - when a joke is met with silence it's pretty disconcerting. My friend has had a couple of really good shares. His serious side - one I've gotten to explore in conversations after our meetings - has come out and it makes him more human. When I'm hurting joking about it can be a release - humor IS the best medicine - but it can also be an unhealthy defense mechanism.
This dude has a nice sense of humor that the group really appreciates. He laughs at himself and he has an exquisite sense of timing. However, sometimes people like that joke about everything all of the time. I can do this and I'm not sure it's always healthy. I can hide a problem behind a joke or I can tease someone who isn't a spot where they can be teased. So I try to temper the humor with some honest sharing. One of the backhanded benefits of Zoom meetings is that you don't get any of the immediate feedback that the humorist needs - when a joke is met with silence it's pretty disconcerting. My friend has had a couple of really good shares. His serious side - one I've gotten to explore in conversations after our meetings - has come out and it makes him more human. When I'm hurting joking about it can be a release - humor IS the best medicine - but it can also be an unhealthy defense mechanism.
Thursday, April 16, 2020
Seaweed, Problem Guy
Problem: A difficulty that has to be resolved or dealt with.
Solution: The answer to a problem.
I laughed out loud when I saw the definition to solution. That is a no-bullshit definition. That is a definition that is getting right to the point.
I am a Problem Guy. I see problems. I find problems where no problems exist. I am a Problem Wizard who can manufacture a wonderful problem out of thin air. I wave my Problem Magic Wand over my Problem Top Hat and voila! a lovely problem appears.
I think alcoholics ascribe too many things to their alcoholism when the fact of the matter is that a lot of the stuff we do can be chalked up to human nature. It's a scary world out there and we're hard-wired to be wary of potential difficulties. It's better to be prepared for a challenge than to have it sneak up and smack us in the face.
I sold diagnostic equipment used by maintenance personnel in manufacturing plants to locate problems, so you think I have a mind geared to problem finding? To make matters worse a lot of the time I was looking at machinery and trying to anticipate problems that might occur down the road. There were currently no problems and I was acting as if there were many problems.
Problems, problems, problems, blah blah blah.
One of the reasons I go to a lot of literature meetings is that our books are packed with solution stuff. Discussion meetings can be great but they can also drift into grievance sessions where members rehash their problems without moving into a solution. Sometimes we experience this when we're listening to a member tell their story - there can be a lot of "what it was like" and not nearly enough of "what happened and what it's like now."
Are we doing too much or not enough to stem the Covid-19 pandemic? Probably somewhere in the middle. Are Zoom meetings great or are they a pain in the ass?
Yes, you're absolutely right. They are.
Solution: The answer to a problem.
I laughed out loud when I saw the definition to solution. That is a no-bullshit definition. That is a definition that is getting right to the point.
I am a Problem Guy. I see problems. I find problems where no problems exist. I am a Problem Wizard who can manufacture a wonderful problem out of thin air. I wave my Problem Magic Wand over my Problem Top Hat and voila! a lovely problem appears.
I think alcoholics ascribe too many things to their alcoholism when the fact of the matter is that a lot of the stuff we do can be chalked up to human nature. It's a scary world out there and we're hard-wired to be wary of potential difficulties. It's better to be prepared for a challenge than to have it sneak up and smack us in the face.
I sold diagnostic equipment used by maintenance personnel in manufacturing plants to locate problems, so you think I have a mind geared to problem finding? To make matters worse a lot of the time I was looking at machinery and trying to anticipate problems that might occur down the road. There were currently no problems and I was acting as if there were many problems.
Problems, problems, problems, blah blah blah.
One of the reasons I go to a lot of literature meetings is that our books are packed with solution stuff. Discussion meetings can be great but they can also drift into grievance sessions where members rehash their problems without moving into a solution. Sometimes we experience this when we're listening to a member tell their story - there can be a lot of "what it was like" and not nearly enough of "what happened and what it's like now."
Are we doing too much or not enough to stem the Covid-19 pandemic? Probably somewhere in the middle. Are Zoom meetings great or are they a pain in the ass?
Yes, you're absolutely right. They are.
Wednesday, April 15, 2020
The Colonoscopy Blues
In today's meeting we read the story out of the Big Book about the woman who was responsible for getting AA established in Chicago. At the end of the story - the recovery part, regrettably not always the longest part - she talked about some of the blessings that she's received as a sober member of AA. They were spot-on for me, really speaking to what I've experienced personally. When I talk about what I'm grateful the two things I always mention are the powerful sense of belonging I receive just by being an active member of such a tight-knit fellowship as well as the fact that having a Higher Power in my life - one that makes sense to me - has shifted my view of the world from a hostile, confrontational place to one that . . . makes sense. It's fair. It's not always pleasant and not always easy but it's fair. I'm doing okay in the world. If you put all 6 billion plus of us in a long line I'm way up near the front. I'm blessed.
One woman in attendance is taking care of her mother who is under hospice care. Her mom has been supplied with a ton of powerful pain medications - morphine, oxy, vicodin - that cannot be returned after she dies for obvious reasons of drug safety. Yesterday the thought popped into this member's mind that perhaps she should save these drugs after her mom passes. She cycled through this insanity pretty quickly but I related to how our thoughts can get jiggy in a hell of a hurry.
We watched a movie yesterday where one of the characters was vaping weed. "Huh," I thought. "That looks efficient. No weed is going to waste and there's very little smoke to draw attention to what I'm doing and I never did that and what the fuck am I thinking, anyway? Where did that come from?" I was curious. It looked like something to try, like a new flavor of Snapple.
I share often the story of my first colonoscopy. A colonoscopy is one of the least pleasant elective things you can go through. Start to finish, it sucks. Anyway, a friend from AA picked me up from the hospital while I was still buzzing from the Demerol. We went out for a cup of coffee. It was a nice day, I was with a good friend, I love coffee, and I remember thinking that THIS is how I wanted to feel all of the time. I knew I was high and I never pursued the thought with any action but I enjoyed the fact that I was totally, completely anxiety free. I was completely relaxed. It was the state I was always chasing when I was out there.
I thought about calling my doctor to see if I could have another colonoscopy, right quick.
One woman in attendance is taking care of her mother who is under hospice care. Her mom has been supplied with a ton of powerful pain medications - morphine, oxy, vicodin - that cannot be returned after she dies for obvious reasons of drug safety. Yesterday the thought popped into this member's mind that perhaps she should save these drugs after her mom passes. She cycled through this insanity pretty quickly but I related to how our thoughts can get jiggy in a hell of a hurry.
We watched a movie yesterday where one of the characters was vaping weed. "Huh," I thought. "That looks efficient. No weed is going to waste and there's very little smoke to draw attention to what I'm doing and I never did that and what the fuck am I thinking, anyway? Where did that come from?" I was curious. It looked like something to try, like a new flavor of Snapple.
I share often the story of my first colonoscopy. A colonoscopy is one of the least pleasant elective things you can go through. Start to finish, it sucks. Anyway, a friend from AA picked me up from the hospital while I was still buzzing from the Demerol. We went out for a cup of coffee. It was a nice day, I was with a good friend, I love coffee, and I remember thinking that THIS is how I wanted to feel all of the time. I knew I was high and I never pursued the thought with any action but I enjoyed the fact that I was totally, completely anxiety free. I was completely relaxed. It was the state I was always chasing when I was out there.
I thought about calling my doctor to see if I could have another colonoscopy, right quick.
Tuesday, April 14, 2020
+ or - ?
Positive: Favorable, desirable by those interested or invested in that which is being judged.
Negative: Damaging; undesirable; unfavorable; pessimistic; not tending to see the bright side of things.
Hmm. I wonder which of those two definitions best describe me? Some of this we can all chalk up to human nature - there is bad stuff out there that can kill us dead quicker than good stuff can ease our woes. We're naturally hyper-aware of threat, real or imagined.
My tendency is to look at quarantine or self-isolation or whatever you want to call this state of affairs as a negative thing. I miss attending meetings and seeing people face to face so that line of thinking is firmly in the Negative category. However, when I'm on a virtual Zoom meeting and someone who irritates me is talking I can simply mute that individual. It can be very peaceful watching the lips of an objectionable person flap around without having to hear the irritating thoughts coming out. I stare into the camera with an intense, interested, engaged look on my face - if the person sees me they probably assume I'm fascinated by the thoughts they're sharing when in reality I'm fascinated by the weird facial expressions people make when they're talking. I try to lip read. One guy this morning appeared to keep repeating the phrase "back fat." I wonder what that was all about.
I don't have to get up as early to get to a meeting and I can get to more meetings than normal because all I have to do is wander over to my computer. Positive things. I don't have to pretend to like someone I don't like. Positive thing. My coffee is a hell of a lot better.
Mostly, I am trying to enjoy the slowness, the quiet, the lack of urgency that is the result of having nothing to do. The Type A, competitive, ants-in-the-pants nature of my personality is trying to relax into the stillness. Not all that successfully but a lot more successfully than I would have imagined. When we were on our last cruise - a long three week affair that touched on seven countries - we would occasionally have sea days when the ship was moving between ports. There wasn't much to do besides read and eat and hop onto the exercise bike for an hour. At first I chafed at these restrictions but sometimes I was worn out and it felt good to not even have the option of doing something "productive."
Negative: Damaging; undesirable; unfavorable; pessimistic; not tending to see the bright side of things.
Hmm. I wonder which of those two definitions best describe me? Some of this we can all chalk up to human nature - there is bad stuff out there that can kill us dead quicker than good stuff can ease our woes. We're naturally hyper-aware of threat, real or imagined.
My tendency is to look at quarantine or self-isolation or whatever you want to call this state of affairs as a negative thing. I miss attending meetings and seeing people face to face so that line of thinking is firmly in the Negative category. However, when I'm on a virtual Zoom meeting and someone who irritates me is talking I can simply mute that individual. It can be very peaceful watching the lips of an objectionable person flap around without having to hear the irritating thoughts coming out. I stare into the camera with an intense, interested, engaged look on my face - if the person sees me they probably assume I'm fascinated by the thoughts they're sharing when in reality I'm fascinated by the weird facial expressions people make when they're talking. I try to lip read. One guy this morning appeared to keep repeating the phrase "back fat." I wonder what that was all about.
I don't have to get up as early to get to a meeting and I can get to more meetings than normal because all I have to do is wander over to my computer. Positive things. I don't have to pretend to like someone I don't like. Positive thing. My coffee is a hell of a lot better.
Mostly, I am trying to enjoy the slowness, the quiet, the lack of urgency that is the result of having nothing to do. The Type A, competitive, ants-in-the-pants nature of my personality is trying to relax into the stillness. Not all that successfully but a lot more successfully than I would have imagined. When we were on our last cruise - a long three week affair that touched on seven countries - we would occasionally have sea days when the ship was moving between ports. There wasn't much to do besides read and eat and hop onto the exercise bike for an hour. At first I chafed at these restrictions but sometimes I was worn out and it felt good to not even have the option of doing something "productive."
Monday, April 13, 2020
Terrible Things Are Going to Happen . . . To YOU!
The good news about sobriety is that you get to feel everything again but the bad news is that you get to feel everything again.
I have been struck recently by how many people seem to express some frustration at feeling upset and anxious during this apprehensive time fraught with anxious disquietude. (Ed. Note: I wanted to see how many synonyms for anxiety I could cram into one sentence). They seem to feel that they should be handling the pandemic better if by "better" you mean "perfectly."
"I'm not doing a very good job of staying in the moment, in not projecting gloom and doom," they moan.
Yes, well, One Day at a Time is a brilliant, wonderful concept that can be extraordinarily hard to put into action. I can't always simply hew to the concept by force of will. No shit, one day at a time, mister. If I wake up and the rear tire on my car is flat the easiest thing would be to pick my car up and carry it to the gas station to save myself the service charge. t
Anxiety! I have been struck in the middle of my back by this high, hard fastball many times in my sobriety - so many times you'd think I would see it coming and hit the dirt face-first - but I'm frozen in place. I don't even move. I just stand there, transfixed, and watch the ball sizzle right into my backside. Why I hang onto this belief that I am above normal human emotion is a puzzle I have never been able to completely solve. I'm better at not letting negative thoughts run rampant but I'm not cured.
This is as it should be. Progress, not perfection. Shoot for a perfect ideal and accept the fact that you will fall short.
I was sober about ten years when 9/11 happened. I had recently started my own business - straight commission selling quite expensive monitoring systems into heavy manufacturing facilities. The economy freaked out and so did I. SuperK wasn't working and we had no other source of income. One of my friends in The Program tapped me on the forehead after listening to me speculate on Impending Doom in a meeting and said: "Look - all of us have our emotions close to the surface right now." I calmed down. It give me the permission to be upset about something that was pretty upsetting
It's not all about my alcoholism. Sometimes it's about my normal reaction to abnormal events. I handle things - I don't surmount them.
In the course of one year my mother, my father, and my AA sponsor of 25 years - a second father to me - all died. I was OK until I wasn't and when I wasn't the wheels came off emotionally. I saw a psychologist for awhile - I'm a big, big fan of making use of all of the outside professionals and resources available to us - and was constantly struck by how often she said things like: "Yeah, that makes sense to me" or "I bet you're still upset about that." She never brushed off my feelings as abnormal or inappropriate. She validated them as human.
I got through 9/11 and the deaths and I'll get through this virus scare, too. So will you.
I have been struck recently by how many people seem to express some frustration at feeling upset and anxious during this apprehensive time fraught with anxious disquietude. (Ed. Note: I wanted to see how many synonyms for anxiety I could cram into one sentence). They seem to feel that they should be handling the pandemic better if by "better" you mean "perfectly."
"I'm not doing a very good job of staying in the moment, in not projecting gloom and doom," they moan.
Yes, well, One Day at a Time is a brilliant, wonderful concept that can be extraordinarily hard to put into action. I can't always simply hew to the concept by force of will. No shit, one day at a time, mister. If I wake up and the rear tire on my car is flat the easiest thing would be to pick my car up and carry it to the gas station to save myself the service charge. t
Anxiety! I have been struck in the middle of my back by this high, hard fastball many times in my sobriety - so many times you'd think I would see it coming and hit the dirt face-first - but I'm frozen in place. I don't even move. I just stand there, transfixed, and watch the ball sizzle right into my backside. Why I hang onto this belief that I am above normal human emotion is a puzzle I have never been able to completely solve. I'm better at not letting negative thoughts run rampant but I'm not cured.
This is as it should be. Progress, not perfection. Shoot for a perfect ideal and accept the fact that you will fall short.
I was sober about ten years when 9/11 happened. I had recently started my own business - straight commission selling quite expensive monitoring systems into heavy manufacturing facilities. The economy freaked out and so did I. SuperK wasn't working and we had no other source of income. One of my friends in The Program tapped me on the forehead after listening to me speculate on Impending Doom in a meeting and said: "Look - all of us have our emotions close to the surface right now." I calmed down. It give me the permission to be upset about something that was pretty upsetting
It's not all about my alcoholism. Sometimes it's about my normal reaction to abnormal events. I handle things - I don't surmount them.
In the course of one year my mother, my father, and my AA sponsor of 25 years - a second father to me - all died. I was OK until I wasn't and when I wasn't the wheels came off emotionally. I saw a psychologist for awhile - I'm a big, big fan of making use of all of the outside professionals and resources available to us - and was constantly struck by how often she said things like: "Yeah, that makes sense to me" or "I bet you're still upset about that." She never brushed off my feelings as abnormal or inappropriate. She validated them as human.
I got through 9/11 and the deaths and I'll get through this virus scare, too. So will you.
Sunday, April 12, 2020
Acceptance V Power
I think I could write every day about the great existential struggle between Acceptance and Power. Boy, it's like Good v Evil or Darkness v Light in the respect that it's hard to tease out the subtleties, to see any gray areas. Sometimes it seems cut and dried: I'm accepting my powerlessness over something or I'm not, that a thought or theory or idea or action is either right or wrong, or there's some nuance. Clearly, if I step back to gain some perspective, there are examples of terrific evil in the world that make minor evil pale in comparison so is it in my best interest to parse this evil? Or should I reject it outright? Is it ever understandable to lie or denigrate? Or should I set up that perfect ideal and strive to reach it at all times?
I spoke on the phone yesterday with a couple of problematic people in my life. One is a relative and one a long time AA buddy, a dude who came up through the sobriety ranks with me. These are both kind, decent, loving people whose good qualities far outweigh their liabilities. You'd like them, I think.
(Ed. Note: In one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes one of the characters is describing a friend that Jerry doesn't know. "You'd like her - she's nice," to which Jerry replies: "Why do people always say that to me? I don't like anyone - why would I like her?")
Consciously I brought up politics and morality with these two people. I knew I was doing it and I knew it was a minefield but I did it anyway. I wasn't trying to provoke a confrontation but I can't recall why I thought I would avoid one. Sometimes I really do want to know why people think a certain way, especially when their line of thinking is fucking absurd. I feel like I'm missing something, some obvious, glaring fact that would cause me to say: "Oh, that's why you think that. Here I just assumed you were a fucking idiot." Often I'll remain silent when someone is being patently absurd, preferring to move on to another topic to armed confrontation, but yesterday I pressed my point a bit, gently I hope. True believers that these two are, they chose to just dig in, ceding not an inch of ground, even when they could provide no evidence to back up their illusory facts.
I'm a little rattled this morning. Part of this is the isolation and anxiety of a worldwide pandemic, I know, but how big a part? Did I bring this on myself (Ed. Note: Yes) or am I swallowing some brackish backwash of a bigger situation?
I spoke on the phone yesterday with a couple of problematic people in my life. One is a relative and one a long time AA buddy, a dude who came up through the sobriety ranks with me. These are both kind, decent, loving people whose good qualities far outweigh their liabilities. You'd like them, I think.
(Ed. Note: In one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes one of the characters is describing a friend that Jerry doesn't know. "You'd like her - she's nice," to which Jerry replies: "Why do people always say that to me? I don't like anyone - why would I like her?")
Consciously I brought up politics and morality with these two people. I knew I was doing it and I knew it was a minefield but I did it anyway. I wasn't trying to provoke a confrontation but I can't recall why I thought I would avoid one. Sometimes I really do want to know why people think a certain way, especially when their line of thinking is fucking absurd. I feel like I'm missing something, some obvious, glaring fact that would cause me to say: "Oh, that's why you think that. Here I just assumed you were a fucking idiot." Often I'll remain silent when someone is being patently absurd, preferring to move on to another topic to armed confrontation, but yesterday I pressed my point a bit, gently I hope. True believers that these two are, they chose to just dig in, ceding not an inch of ground, even when they could provide no evidence to back up their illusory facts.
I'm a little rattled this morning. Part of this is the isolation and anxiety of a worldwide pandemic, I know, but how big a part? Did I bring this on myself (Ed. Note: Yes) or am I swallowing some brackish backwash of a bigger situation?
Saturday, April 11, 2020
Me and Us
I've found the dynamics of social distancing to be fascinating and a kind of analogue to what we do in AA. On the one hand it really IS all about me: I have to make the decision to stop drinking and then to do the things I need to do to stay sober. No one gets to tell me how to do it. What works for you may not work for me. Someone shares their own personal experience with me and then I decide if it's applicable or not. This is one of the reasons AA works so well: nobody is in charge, nobody has a rule book, no one has all the answers . . . other than me, of course. I'm the Answer Man.
Conversely our first Tradition reminds us that the unity of the group is paramount - indeed, necessary for our very survival: Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on A.A. unity. I can't come into the rooms and do whatever I want to do. I have to consider how my behavior impacts everyone even though I may not like it. With my own personal self I get to do whatever I want - with my groups I have to adhere to guidelines that the majority thinks are in everyone's best interest.
Yes, frustrating sometimes. But when something happens in society or at work or inside organizations that I belong to that I don't like that may mean that I need to buckle down and try to think of everyone's welfare, not just mine. I don't want to be a prisoner in my own home right now and I'm not always completely convinced that this is the best thing to be doing. Yet, it seems to be working.
Yet I don't want to be doing it.
Conversely our first Tradition reminds us that the unity of the group is paramount - indeed, necessary for our very survival: Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on A.A. unity. I can't come into the rooms and do whatever I want to do. I have to consider how my behavior impacts everyone even though I may not like it. With my own personal self I get to do whatever I want - with my groups I have to adhere to guidelines that the majority thinks are in everyone's best interest.
Yes, frustrating sometimes. But when something happens in society or at work or inside organizations that I belong to that I don't like that may mean that I need to buckle down and try to think of everyone's welfare, not just mine. I don't want to be a prisoner in my own home right now and I'm not always completely convinced that this is the best thing to be doing. Yet, it seems to be working.
Yet I don't want to be doing it.
Friday, April 10, 2020
Zooming
Two months ago I had never heard of a video conferencing app called Zoom. I wish that I had bought a whole shitload of Zoom stock because that is one popular app now. I have been attending at least one Zoom meeting a day - most of our meetings are now online - since I was hurled into self-isolation, including some meetings three time zones away that were regulars for me in a previous recovery iteration. It has been wild seeing faces that were a big part of my recovery lo these many years ago.
These meetings are somewhat satisfying. They're more robust than talking on the phone but not as real as seeing someone in person. And there is no auditory feedback which can be disorienting - no one is laughing at my hilarious jokes or giving me a robust Amen! at my piercing insights. My technique over the years is to satisfy a lot of my socializing in the meeting-before-the-meeting and the meeting-after-the-meeting. I like the easy familiarity, the comfortable back and forth in a one on one conversation. Often it's more important to me than the meeting itself. My home group is big and this tends to favor those who like to hold forth in front of a lot of people. Sometimes these people are interesting and sometimes they're not. I try to remember this: You are never as interesting to other people as you are to yourself.
I think that I may have some rats living in the crawl space under my house. I don't want any rats living under my house. I don't care how many are there. One is too many. Zero is the desired number. I'm dealing with it to the best of my ability which means at this point that I've heaped mountains of rat poison in a lot of places that may offer egress. We'll see what happens. Probably I'll rub some rat poison in my eyes and go blind. The last thing I'll hear before my vision blinks off is the sound of a bunch of rats laughing uproariously.
This would make a great meeting topic is my point.
These meetings are somewhat satisfying. They're more robust than talking on the phone but not as real as seeing someone in person. And there is no auditory feedback which can be disorienting - no one is laughing at my hilarious jokes or giving me a robust Amen! at my piercing insights. My technique over the years is to satisfy a lot of my socializing in the meeting-before-the-meeting and the meeting-after-the-meeting. I like the easy familiarity, the comfortable back and forth in a one on one conversation. Often it's more important to me than the meeting itself. My home group is big and this tends to favor those who like to hold forth in front of a lot of people. Sometimes these people are interesting and sometimes they're not. I try to remember this: You are never as interesting to other people as you are to yourself.
I think that I may have some rats living in the crawl space under my house. I don't want any rats living under my house. I don't care how many are there. One is too many. Zero is the desired number. I'm dealing with it to the best of my ability which means at this point that I've heaped mountains of rat poison in a lot of places that may offer egress. We'll see what happens. Probably I'll rub some rat poison in my eyes and go blind. The last thing I'll hear before my vision blinks off is the sound of a bunch of rats laughing uproariously.
This would make a great meeting topic is my point.
Wednesday, April 8, 2020
Buzzing Brain
I love how easily recovery phrases and concepts and quotes from our literature roll off my silky-smooth lying lips when things are going my way. A spiritual giant when I'm getting what I want and avoiding what I'd like to avoid. I sweep emotional messes under the Rug of Denial.
Ed Note: I have been on the Nile River in Egypt and found it to be a perfectly lovely river, very undeserving of being lumped in with some toss-off recovery shit-phrase. De Nile isn't a river in Egypt, my ass.
Anyway, I'm powerless over the Corona Virus. I've been in self-isolation for about three weeks and I don't want to be in self-isolation except when I don't want anyone else around me. As that's most of the time one would think that this isn't as hard on me and one would be more right than wrong. Nonetheless, if I want to go out then I want to go out. I should be able to go out. This virus is not very considerate. This virus is not saying: "Hmmm. Wonder what Seaweed wants to do?"
I wish I had thought of the concept of self-isolation before I had to self-isolate against my will. It would be great to be sitting on my patio when some annoying, unwelcome person strolls by and opens his mouth to say something and I could yell: "Self-isolating! Self-isolating!" How cool would that be? Maybe I could pretend I'm the Corona Virus and how long before some prog-rock hipster band calls itself The Corona Virus. Posers.
Very weird to have an invisible enemy lurking in the bushes. I find myself looking at other early morning walkers with suspicion as I ease out into the street, giving them a wide berth, wondering if they're a carrier. When this is over I'm going to be curious to see what the new normal is going to be. How quickly will people shake hands and congregate in restaurants?
I feel a low-grade buzz of anxiety humming up in a dark corner of my mind.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Ed Note: I have been on the Nile River in Egypt and found it to be a perfectly lovely river, very undeserving of being lumped in with some toss-off recovery shit-phrase. De Nile isn't a river in Egypt, my ass.
Anyway, I'm powerless over the Corona Virus. I've been in self-isolation for about three weeks and I don't want to be in self-isolation except when I don't want anyone else around me. As that's most of the time one would think that this isn't as hard on me and one would be more right than wrong. Nonetheless, if I want to go out then I want to go out. I should be able to go out. This virus is not very considerate. This virus is not saying: "Hmmm. Wonder what Seaweed wants to do?"
I wish I had thought of the concept of self-isolation before I had to self-isolate against my will. It would be great to be sitting on my patio when some annoying, unwelcome person strolls by and opens his mouth to say something and I could yell: "Self-isolating! Self-isolating!" How cool would that be? Maybe I could pretend I'm the Corona Virus and how long before some prog-rock hipster band calls itself The Corona Virus. Posers.
Very weird to have an invisible enemy lurking in the bushes. I find myself looking at other early morning walkers with suspicion as I ease out into the street, giving them a wide berth, wondering if they're a carrier. When this is over I'm going to be curious to see what the new normal is going to be. How quickly will people shake hands and congregate in restaurants?
I feel a low-grade buzz of anxiety humming up in a dark corner of my mind.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Tuesday, April 7, 2020
Anxiety and Worry and Stress, Oh, my!
So a bit of a hiatus comes to an end. A global pandemic has seemed to loosen my tongue.
I thought this characterization of some of the mental agonies that so many of us experience was pretty informative. I would credit the medical professional who wrote it but I've long forgotten who that was. Nonetheless . . .
"Worry happens in your mind, stress happens in your body, and anxiety happens in your mind and your body. In small doses, worry, stress and anxiety can be positive forces in our lives. But research shows that most of us are too worried, too stressed, and too anxious. The good news is that there are simple (not easy) steps to help regulate your symptoms: Get enough sleep; eat regular, nutritious meals; and move your body."
And I wouldn't feel good about myself without digging up some definitions.
Worry: A strong feeling of anxiety.
Anxiety: An unpleasant state of mental uneasiness, nervousness, apprehension and obsession or concern about about some uncertain event.
Stress: Emotional pressure suffered by a human being or other animal.
First of all, the anxiety definition totally kicks the ass of the other two. The worry definition seems to me to be kind of lazy as it uses anxiety as its main modifier. Maybe it's a chickenshit syndrome, totally intimidated by anxiety. Then again anxiety is really overdoing it. Reminds me of those people at meetings who talk too often and too long even though they don't seem to know what they're talking about. And how patronizing is stress? A human being or other animal. Let's clump all the other billions of animals in one of two categories, the other being - of course - the magnificent Genus Human who is being schooled right now by an invisible virus.
See what all of this isolating is doing to me? I'm even less coherent than normal.
I thought this characterization of some of the mental agonies that so many of us experience was pretty informative. I would credit the medical professional who wrote it but I've long forgotten who that was. Nonetheless . . .
"Worry happens in your mind, stress happens in your body, and anxiety happens in your mind and your body. In small doses, worry, stress and anxiety can be positive forces in our lives. But research shows that most of us are too worried, too stressed, and too anxious. The good news is that there are simple (not easy) steps to help regulate your symptoms: Get enough sleep; eat regular, nutritious meals; and move your body."
And I wouldn't feel good about myself without digging up some definitions.
Worry: A strong feeling of anxiety.
Anxiety: An unpleasant state of mental uneasiness, nervousness, apprehension and obsession or concern about about some uncertain event.
Stress: Emotional pressure suffered by a human being or other animal.
First of all, the anxiety definition totally kicks the ass of the other two. The worry definition seems to me to be kind of lazy as it uses anxiety as its main modifier. Maybe it's a chickenshit syndrome, totally intimidated by anxiety. Then again anxiety is really overdoing it. Reminds me of those people at meetings who talk too often and too long even though they don't seem to know what they're talking about. And how patronizing is stress? A human being or other animal. Let's clump all the other billions of animals in one of two categories, the other being - of course - the magnificent Genus Human who is being schooled right now by an invisible virus.
See what all of this isolating is doing to me? I'm even less coherent than normal.
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