Stop: A stopping or being stopped; check; arrest; cessation; halt.
Go: To move along; travel; proceed: as this car can go 90 miles per hour.
I really like that Mr. Webster chose 90 miles per hour as the appropriate speed for a car. That guy must have been a drunk. 90 for god's sake? Who goes 90 miles an hour in their car and where do they do it? Why wouldn't he use 25 miles per hour in his example? Something to ponder. I also like the fact that "travel" is in the definition. I like to travel so I appreciate anybody who promotes it.
Anyway, I have been pondering the huge size of my GO button again. I'm all about the GO, and it's not always good GO, either. I have a little too much 90 miles per hour in my GO. I don't always consider walls and cliffs and pedestrians when I start to GO. I GET to a lot of places but I'm not always sure I want to be where I end up being.
SuperK and I have come to an understanding about our forward progress as a couple. I'm the GO button and she's more of the STOP button, and I don't mean that in a bad way for either of us. She does a lot of GOING but generally chooses not to do any of the stupid GOING that I do. I'm grateful that she has the good sense and wisdom to tell me to STOP sometimes, and I think she enjoys some of my eagerness to git along down the road. We do a lot of stuff that she probably wouldn't end up doing, and we don't do a lot of stupid stuff that I'd get us into.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Horseface Steve Says: "It's ALL About Me!"
Interest: A feeling of intentness, concern, or curiosity about something.
I'm not really interested in anybody else. I'm still trying to work up some interest in other people but it's going to be a long slog. On the other hand, I'm VERY interested in myself. I often pretend that I'm interested in you but I'm lying, mostly, to be honest about it, which is another one of my more attractive character defects. Lying about being interested in you. I've very talented -- I often combine multiple character defects into one or more sets of actions. I get a lot of bang for my buck in the defect department. I'm clearly a hell of a guy.
I heard a guy share once about his relationship with his wife and how it was improving as he changed his behavior. He said that when his wife came into the room and had something to say, he turned off the TV and really tried to pay attention. This was hard for him because he really didn't find the things she was saying all that interesting. He found that as he pretended to be interested he really did become interested. This can be classified in the old Program category of "Fake it 'till you make it." This is similar to my experience of doing nice things for other people because I was told to be nice by my sponsor, not because I wanted to be nice, and finding that I started to generate enthusiasm for someone besides myself. I acted my way into good thinking as opposed to trying to think my way into good action.
When SuperK says that I'm not listening, I can usually regurgitate the basic jist of what she has said, kind of, more or less, with a bunch of large, glaring mistakes. I used to think I could watch some college basketball game that I didn't give a hoot about while she talked. I think that people typing away on Smarter Than You phones during meetings are committing the same mistake. Why don't we each bring our newspapers and small personal TVs to meetings, too? The point is that this behavior is rude and it's selfish. It marginalizes other people. You might as well say: "This TV program is more important than you are," even when someone may be sharing something personal and painful. You're probably offended at the thought of making such a comment, even though it's probably closer to the truth than anything else you might do.
Wichita State vs. Tulsa? I mean, are you kidding me?
I'm not really interested in anybody else. I'm still trying to work up some interest in other people but it's going to be a long slog. On the other hand, I'm VERY interested in myself. I often pretend that I'm interested in you but I'm lying, mostly, to be honest about it, which is another one of my more attractive character defects. Lying about being interested in you. I've very talented -- I often combine multiple character defects into one or more sets of actions. I get a lot of bang for my buck in the defect department. I'm clearly a hell of a guy.
I heard a guy share once about his relationship with his wife and how it was improving as he changed his behavior. He said that when his wife came into the room and had something to say, he turned off the TV and really tried to pay attention. This was hard for him because he really didn't find the things she was saying all that interesting. He found that as he pretended to be interested he really did become interested. This can be classified in the old Program category of "Fake it 'till you make it." This is similar to my experience of doing nice things for other people because I was told to be nice by my sponsor, not because I wanted to be nice, and finding that I started to generate enthusiasm for someone besides myself. I acted my way into good thinking as opposed to trying to think my way into good action.
When SuperK says that I'm not listening, I can usually regurgitate the basic jist of what she has said, kind of, more or less, with a bunch of large, glaring mistakes. I used to think I could watch some college basketball game that I didn't give a hoot about while she talked. I think that people typing away on Smarter Than You phones during meetings are committing the same mistake. Why don't we each bring our newspapers and small personal TVs to meetings, too? The point is that this behavior is rude and it's selfish. It marginalizes other people. You might as well say: "This TV program is more important than you are," even when someone may be sharing something personal and painful. You're probably offended at the thought of making such a comment, even though it's probably closer to the truth than anything else you might do.
Wichita State vs. Tulsa? I mean, are you kidding me?
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Gotta go, gotta go
I'm a big brother. When my sister and I were kids our parents took us on the occasional picnic at a hilly park near our home. One of my favorite party tricks was to take off running down any convenient grade, hoping that she would follow me. I loved watching her coming down faster and faster, her little legs unable to keep up with her little body. Eventually, inevitably, she'd tumble head over heals to my great amusement. I don't remember whether or not she cried but I'm assuming she did. I proclaimed my innocence with great vehemence, I'm sure. It's what big brothers do: act like pricks then disavow our part in any minor tragedy.
I feel like I'm my sister running down a hill most of the time. I'm moving way too fast chasing something of dubious value to get someplace that may or may not be worth getting to. I'm barely in control and picking up speed. I usually crash then scream like hell at the unfairness of it all.
See you later: I gotta go, I gotta go.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Horseface Steve: Cathartic
Catharsis: In psychology, the alleviation of fears, problems, and complexes by bringing them to consciousness and giving them expression.
"The notion that there's some right choice for every life challenge fits neatly into the control-freak mind-set of our current moment. We've developed a real talent for transforming neutral or negative events into triumphant rites of passage. We suffer under the relentless conviction that even the most unpredictable, unmanageable problems can be stuffed into the familiar packaging of catharsis. Rather than acknowledging residual pain or lingering trauma, we're urged to embrace each story as a wake-up call or a breakthrough on the road to self-fulfillment."
I read that recently. I really liked it. It really seemed to apply to me and my approach to life. I also really like the Buddhist, spiritual, AA way of looking at suffering as something that should be pondered thoughtfully but not accorded the status of obsession. It's a thing. It's a thing we're all subjected to so we might as well get over it. It's not awful, it's not a breakthrough or a catharsis or something to be ignored; it's something or the other. Look at it but don't linger. It's not the end of the world but it's there nonetheless.
"The notion that there's some right choice for every life challenge fits neatly into the control-freak mind-set of our current moment. We've developed a real talent for transforming neutral or negative events into triumphant rites of passage. We suffer under the relentless conviction that even the most unpredictable, unmanageable problems can be stuffed into the familiar packaging of catharsis. Rather than acknowledging residual pain or lingering trauma, we're urged to embrace each story as a wake-up call or a breakthrough on the road to self-fulfillment."
I read that recently. I really liked it. It really seemed to apply to me and my approach to life. I also really like the Buddhist, spiritual, AA way of looking at suffering as something that should be pondered thoughtfully but not accorded the status of obsession. It's a thing. It's a thing we're all subjected to so we might as well get over it. It's not awful, it's not a breakthrough or a catharsis or something to be ignored; it's something or the other. Look at it but don't linger. It's not the end of the world but it's there nonetheless.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Blood Red Sky
Blood: Parental heritage; family line; lineage; passion, temperament, or disposition.
Bad blood and blood baths committed in cold blood make my blood run cold. Not me. I'm not going to have blood on my hands. They say that blood is thicker than water but I wonder if this is literal or just an expression. It seems a little thicker when it comes out of my body but I usually pass out so quickly I can't be sure. The word "blood" starts to look weird if you write it a whole bunch of times.
Anyway, the point is that family matters are generally not going to go away. Many of us have great families or good ones at least -- average people making their way as best as they can. Some of us have crappy families, ill suited to handle the ups and downs of life. And there are some real nightmare cases out there that make our blood run cold: alcoholism and abuse and addiction. Mostly, our families are like us: folks with no operating manual trying to lurch forward. God knows I was no piece of cake when I was active and I don't mean to imply I'm a piece of cake today, either. Maybe a cupcake or an iced cookie, but definitely not a piece of cake.
If someone treated me like I treat myself I would toss this guy out of a moving car, over a tall cliff. I'm horrible to myself more often that I care to admit. I wouldn't put up with it coming from another person. And my family doesn't always treat me all that well, either, and I have a pretty good family. I think all of us take some liberties with our closest relationships and all of us are going to make mistakes from time to time with people who are around us so much. If someone I've recently met treats me like crap, I move on. Not an option with family, or a much more difficult decision to make.
Here's what often comes out when one of the Horsefaces is having family problems: "You're the one with the program."
Some days I don't want to have a program. Some days I just want to load up and let 'er rip, burn some bridges, devastate some crops.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Psych Ward Fever
I have started to attend an institution meeting here in the New City. I have a group of men that I talk to on the phone regularly from the Old City, and one of my guys is Institution Man. This is a big part of his program and he brings it up often when we talk. And by "often" I mean "every time."
"You know, Horseface," he sez, sez he, "They have institution meetings in the New City, too."
He's right, irritatingly enough, so I got hooked up with a friend who is trying to promote a regular meeting at a local hospital's psych ward. I went a couple of times with him and committed to a regular slot. The third time he wasn't feeling well and asked me to lead the meeting so that he could go home and go to bed. The meeting was, naturally, a little messy. There were a couple of people in attendance who may or may not have been alcoholic, but who appeared to be clearly suffering from mental illness. They were disruptive, god love 'em, so I had to interrupt them as they rambled, trying to be kind and welcoming but still mindful that we're trying to have a meeting and there are some general housekeeping rules. The meetings are for everyone. We need controlled chaos at least.
There were a couple of newish outsiders that came with me. As we were waiting for the elevator -- this being a psych ward, someone had to use a key to unlock the door, then unlock the elevator, too -- I said: "It's not always pretty is it?" Not being able to leave someplace voluntarily is always a shock to the system as well. It's a bit of a high realizing that once we leave we get to do what we want to do. Not so if you're locked up or tied down.
It's helpful for me to do this. Part of it is giving back some of which was so freely given me. And some of it is seeing the down and dirty, nitty gritty of alcoholism. We don't have the benefit of the 12 Step call to someone dying of the disease that was so common many years ago. I have to remember that untreated alcoholism leads to jail, insanity, or death.
"You know, Horseface," he sez, sez he, "They have institution meetings in the New City, too."
He's right, irritatingly enough, so I got hooked up with a friend who is trying to promote a regular meeting at a local hospital's psych ward. I went a couple of times with him and committed to a regular slot. The third time he wasn't feeling well and asked me to lead the meeting so that he could go home and go to bed. The meeting was, naturally, a little messy. There were a couple of people in attendance who may or may not have been alcoholic, but who appeared to be clearly suffering from mental illness. They were disruptive, god love 'em, so I had to interrupt them as they rambled, trying to be kind and welcoming but still mindful that we're trying to have a meeting and there are some general housekeeping rules. The meetings are for everyone. We need controlled chaos at least.
There were a couple of newish outsiders that came with me. As we were waiting for the elevator -- this being a psych ward, someone had to use a key to unlock the door, then unlock the elevator, too -- I said: "It's not always pretty is it?" Not being able to leave someplace voluntarily is always a shock to the system as well. It's a bit of a high realizing that once we leave we get to do what we want to do. Not so if you're locked up or tied down.
It's helpful for me to do this. Part of it is giving back some of which was so freely given me. And some of it is seeing the down and dirty, nitty gritty of alcoholism. We don't have the benefit of the 12 Step call to someone dying of the disease that was so common many years ago. I have to remember that untreated alcoholism leads to jail, insanity, or death.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Heaven and Hell
Heaven: Any place of great beauty and pleasure; a state of great happiness.
Hell: Any place or condition of evil, pain, misery, cruelty, etc.
I like the "etc." in the definition of Hell. Etc? Etc? Evil, pain, misery, and cruelty aren't enough? We have to heap some more crap on top of that? Yowser. That's one bad place. That's one place to be avoided.
I'm going to steer my boat toward heaven. I spend far too much time trying to escape the licking flames of hell fire. Some of this is the religion I grew up in. There was a lot of talk about what a lousy place hell would be to spend all eternity, delivered by confident, stern adults to impressionable children. It sounds like a lousy place to get stuck for a couple of minutes let alone for a period of time with no beginning and no end. Apparently, it's easier to fill the church pews with dire warnings than to paint pretty pictures. I had a pretty good life. I wasn't tempted by angels playing harps on fluffy clouds, but those burning hot pokers in the capable hands of all of those demons sure got my attention.
I went back to church a few times, mostly to please my religious mother. I was surprised to find it to be a benign place. The talks were, I found, largely positive. I didn't see to much that was threatening or dark. I have always been drawn to What Is Wrong. I see blackness before I see light. You can shine an arc light into my eyes and I won't notice it.
Talk about applying a filter to something.
I still don't go to church, though. No fucking way. I did my stint in there.
Hell: Any place or condition of evil, pain, misery, cruelty, etc.
I like the "etc." in the definition of Hell. Etc? Etc? Evil, pain, misery, and cruelty aren't enough? We have to heap some more crap on top of that? Yowser. That's one bad place. That's one place to be avoided.
I'm going to steer my boat toward heaven. I spend far too much time trying to escape the licking flames of hell fire. Some of this is the religion I grew up in. There was a lot of talk about what a lousy place hell would be to spend all eternity, delivered by confident, stern adults to impressionable children. It sounds like a lousy place to get stuck for a couple of minutes let alone for a period of time with no beginning and no end. Apparently, it's easier to fill the church pews with dire warnings than to paint pretty pictures. I had a pretty good life. I wasn't tempted by angels playing harps on fluffy clouds, but those burning hot pokers in the capable hands of all of those demons sure got my attention.
I went back to church a few times, mostly to please my religious mother. I was surprised to find it to be a benign place. The talks were, I found, largely positive. I didn't see to much that was threatening or dark. I have always been drawn to What Is Wrong. I see blackness before I see light. You can shine an arc light into my eyes and I won't notice it.
Talk about applying a filter to something.
I still don't go to church, though. No fucking way. I did my stint in there.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Filter and Screen
Filter: To remove or separate (solid particles, impurities, etc) from a fluid by means of a filter.
Screen: Anything that functions to shield, protect, conceal, or shelter in the manner of a curtain.
The good, the bad, and the ugly indifferent. There's a lot of truth to the idea that we apply a filter of our own making to everything we experience. This is bad and it is to be avoided. This is good and it is to be pursued. This way of experiencing life isn't reality -- this is Horseface Reality. I judge and categorize instead of letting life wash over me and flow on by, bemused but disinterested.
One of the little exercises that can be used in meditation is to try to drop any preconceptions of noises that we hear. I should say that it's not a bad idea to try to be in a somewhat quiet space. Don't pick the machine room at AK Steel Processing Corporation as your meditation spot. Anyway, the idea is to quit trying to block the noises out, first of all, then quit trying to place each noise in a neat little category. It's remarkably difficult to do. It shows me how much I try to control the world that I'm in. I hear a motorcycle, and I imagine the kind of person on the motorcycle and I place this person in a category and I picture the motorcycle and I wonder how the rider can get away with driving around all day on an unmuffled vehicle and so on and so on.
I usually don't look into what is really there in front of me. I see life through a screen of thoughts and concepts, and I mistake those mental objects as reality. Man, I didn't have any idea what reality was when I was drunk and stoned and I still don't have any idea what it is. I'm not even that sure what I'm talking about right now.
Screen: Anything that functions to shield, protect, conceal, or shelter in the manner of a curtain.
The good, the bad, and the ugly indifferent. There's a lot of truth to the idea that we apply a filter of our own making to everything we experience. This is bad and it is to be avoided. This is good and it is to be pursued. This way of experiencing life isn't reality -- this is Horseface Reality. I judge and categorize instead of letting life wash over me and flow on by, bemused but disinterested.
One of the little exercises that can be used in meditation is to try to drop any preconceptions of noises that we hear. I should say that it's not a bad idea to try to be in a somewhat quiet space. Don't pick the machine room at AK Steel Processing Corporation as your meditation spot. Anyway, the idea is to quit trying to block the noises out, first of all, then quit trying to place each noise in a neat little category. It's remarkably difficult to do. It shows me how much I try to control the world that I'm in. I hear a motorcycle, and I imagine the kind of person on the motorcycle and I place this person in a category and I picture the motorcycle and I wonder how the rider can get away with driving around all day on an unmuffled vehicle and so on and so on.
I usually don't look into what is really there in front of me. I see life through a screen of thoughts and concepts, and I mistake those mental objects as reality. Man, I didn't have any idea what reality was when I was drunk and stoned and I still don't have any idea what it is. I'm not even that sure what I'm talking about right now.
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Big List
I read an article written by a reporter who had biked across the country when he was a young man and was going to attempt to duplicate the feat 20 years later. As he contemplated the upcoming event he reflected on what had happened in the ensuing period of time. He put down some big things as most of us can do.
It got me to thinking, which is never a good thing considering the quality and state of repair of my thinker, but I seem to be congenitally unable to stop myself. It's an exercise to try to summarize things in a few events. Here's what I came up with:
I got and stayed sober.
I got and stayed married, mostly effortlessly and contented, but fortunate to have learned great lessons as we have grown through the rough spots.
I traveled extensively and saw some amazing places and met some amazing people. I don't regret one trip, even squatting against a cinder block building in Syria, in full view of a busy highway, dealing with some intestinal distress, or listening to god knows what snuffling and snorting around under my thatched hut in the night, in the jungle, in Ecuador.
I wrote two books and got zero books published, but that still makes me a writer.
I had a career in sales, and despite the reputation of my ilk, I think I made a difference in the lives of a lot of people. I really do.
I made a difference.
I wanted my list to be filled with Big Events. I wanted to hit the home run to win the Championship of the Whole World. I thought I'd be disappointed that my list didn't have a bunch of things like that, but I'm not.
It's a pretty nice list.
I like to tell new people to think Big, to think Long Term.
It got me to thinking, which is never a good thing considering the quality and state of repair of my thinker, but I seem to be congenitally unable to stop myself. It's an exercise to try to summarize things in a few events. Here's what I came up with:
I got and stayed sober.
I got and stayed married, mostly effortlessly and contented, but fortunate to have learned great lessons as we have grown through the rough spots.
I traveled extensively and saw some amazing places and met some amazing people. I don't regret one trip, even squatting against a cinder block building in Syria, in full view of a busy highway, dealing with some intestinal distress, or listening to god knows what snuffling and snorting around under my thatched hut in the night, in the jungle, in Ecuador.
I wrote two books and got zero books published, but that still makes me a writer.
I had a career in sales, and despite the reputation of my ilk, I think I made a difference in the lives of a lot of people. I really do.
I made a difference.
I wanted my list to be filled with Big Events. I wanted to hit the home run to win the Championship of the Whole World. I thought I'd be disappointed that my list didn't have a bunch of things like that, but I'm not.
It's a pretty nice list.
I like to tell new people to think Big, to think Long Term.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
The Good, The Bad, and The Boring
This poor old world groans under the weight of my expectations.
I really like the idea that we have a tendency to categorize our life experiences as good, bad, or indifferent. I really do characterize so much of my life as routine, boring, uninspiring. I suspect that I enjoy the agony and the ecstasy a little too much. The "good" things snap under the pressure of my outlandish demands and the "bad" things grow to monstrous proportions. The rest of the time I tend to sit and wait for something exciting to happen.
The trick is to take enjoyment out of the mundane, to be grateful that I don't have to spend all of my time struggling simply to survive. I got it good, that's for sure.
I really like the idea that we have a tendency to categorize our life experiences as good, bad, or indifferent. I really do characterize so much of my life as routine, boring, uninspiring. I suspect that I enjoy the agony and the ecstasy a little too much. The "good" things snap under the pressure of my outlandish demands and the "bad" things grow to monstrous proportions. The rest of the time I tend to sit and wait for something exciting to happen.
The trick is to take enjoyment out of the mundane, to be grateful that I don't have to spend all of my time struggling simply to survive. I got it good, that's for sure.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Horseface Steve -- Characterizer
I really like the idea that we have a tendency to categorize our life experiences as good, bad, or indifferent. I really do characterize so much of my life as routine, boring, uninspiring. I suspect that I enjoy the agony and the ecstasy a little too much. The "good" things groan under the weight of outlandish expectations and the "bad" things grow to monstrous proportions. The rest of the time I tend to sit and hope for something exciting to happen.
The trick is to take enjoyment out of the mundane, to be grateful that I don't have to spend all of my time struggling simply to survive.
The trick is to take enjoyment out of the mundane, to be grateful that I don't have to spend all of my time struggling simply to survive.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Slow Down, Quickly
Moderate: Within reasonable limits; avoiding excesses or extremes; temperate.
I will admit to being stunned that I haven't thought to look up the definition of the words "moderate" or "moderation" in the three years I've been writing whatever this thing I've been writing is called. That should be an indication of how serious I am about the concept of moderation. I bet I've looked up "excess" or "extreme" many times. I bet there's a picture of me after each of those definitions.
When I was in Chicago, getting sober, learning how to live in moderation (ha ha ha), I tried to exercise regularly. By "regularly" I mean frequent, ferocious exercise irregardless of health, weather, or obligations of any sort. I tried to convince myself that I was being healthy, but really I was trying to run away from myself while running or biking or rowing. I couldn't stand being stationary, where the voices in my head would scream bad things at high volume, so I was usually on the move, going nowhere fast.
One of my favorite excessive and painful exercises was to take a two hour bike ride. One hour out; one hour back. I know: I timed it. This being Chicago I often battled wicked head winds which really hindered my progress. If the wind was blowing, I had to ride harder. If the wind was blowing hard, I rode really harder. If there was a tornado, I put my head down and pedaled until my legs were on fire.
I was seeing an excellent therapist at the time, who was kind enough not to laugh or roll her eyes when I was talking. I mentioned how unpleasant a lot of these bike rides were, with the wind and tornadoes and all.
"What are you training for?" she asked, not unreasonably.
"What do you mean?" I said, with a straight face. "Training for? I'm not training for anything."
"Why don't you slow down a little?" she asked, very reasonably.
Slow down? Slow down? I went home and pondered this.
I'm pondering it today.
I will admit to being stunned that I haven't thought to look up the definition of the words "moderate" or "moderation" in the three years I've been writing whatever this thing I've been writing is called. That should be an indication of how serious I am about the concept of moderation. I bet I've looked up "excess" or "extreme" many times. I bet there's a picture of me after each of those definitions.
When I was in Chicago, getting sober, learning how to live in moderation (ha ha ha), I tried to exercise regularly. By "regularly" I mean frequent, ferocious exercise irregardless of health, weather, or obligations of any sort. I tried to convince myself that I was being healthy, but really I was trying to run away from myself while running or biking or rowing. I couldn't stand being stationary, where the voices in my head would scream bad things at high volume, so I was usually on the move, going nowhere fast.
One of my favorite excessive and painful exercises was to take a two hour bike ride. One hour out; one hour back. I know: I timed it. This being Chicago I often battled wicked head winds which really hindered my progress. If the wind was blowing, I had to ride harder. If the wind was blowing hard, I rode really harder. If there was a tornado, I put my head down and pedaled until my legs were on fire.
I was seeing an excellent therapist at the time, who was kind enough not to laugh or roll her eyes when I was talking. I mentioned how unpleasant a lot of these bike rides were, with the wind and tornadoes and all.
"What are you training for?" she asked, not unreasonably.
"What do you mean?" I said, with a straight face. "Training for? I'm not training for anything."
"Why don't you slow down a little?" she asked, very reasonably.
Slow down? Slow down? I went home and pondered this.
I'm pondering it today.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Horseface Steve -- Death's Head
Smile: A favorable, pleasing, or agreeable appearance; bright, pleasant aspect.
Today’s meeting had a few fleeting references to the effect that smiling can have on the people that we encounter in the course of a day. When I look at pictures of myself pre-drinking – a gruesome task not suitable for pregnant women or young children – I am never smiling. I look surly, vaguely threatening. And when I do show teeth, my expression appears forced; it's more of a grimace, like I’m unsuccessfully trying to pass gas. I look like a fleshed-out death’s head. I don’t think any of us would say a skeleton is smiling. It’s not just showing the teeth that makes the smile – it’s the whole expression.
A few years back I really tried breaking out the smile when I talked to people, especially strangers. I don’t know why I didn’t try it earlier. It has a magical effect. People smile back. I don’t even have to smile sincerely for people to react positively. I can totally be faking it. I try to smile even when I feel like saying: “Ah, why don’t you go to hell.”
Part of being happy today is simply pretending to be happy. I find that I fool myself half of the time. I find that I start to get happy despite my best efforts to stay pissed, and I so love being pissed, apparently, because I do it all of the time
Saturday, July 2, 2011
The Old Days
Possible: Used of anything that may exist, occur, be done, etc., depending on circumstances.
Doesn't the world seem full of possibilities a lot of the time? This is in stark juxtaposition to The Old Days, when the world was full of ominous storm clouds and hidden, lurking danger. Most days in sobriety I'm sure that it's going to be a good one. Most days I feel this, I really believe this to be true, and on the days that I don't, I soldier on anyhow because my experience has taught me that it ends up being a good day, my fear and dread notwithstanding.
I always had an excuse in The Old Days. I would never try anything new. I was afraid it wouldn't work out or something bad would happen. I don't think that way anymore. Bad things don't happen to me all that often and when they do I have the tools to take them on. I don't want to be frozen with fear, in my Barcalounger, watching The TV.
Doesn't the world seem full of possibilities a lot of the time? This is in stark juxtaposition to The Old Days, when the world was full of ominous storm clouds and hidden, lurking danger. Most days in sobriety I'm sure that it's going to be a good one. Most days I feel this, I really believe this to be true, and on the days that I don't, I soldier on anyhow because my experience has taught me that it ends up being a good day, my fear and dread notwithstanding.
I always had an excuse in The Old Days. I would never try anything new. I was afraid it wouldn't work out or something bad would happen. I don't think that way anymore. Bad things don't happen to me all that often and when they do I have the tools to take them on. I don't want to be frozen with fear, in my Barcalounger, watching The TV.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Vigorously Relaxed, Intensely
Intensity: Extreme degree of anything; great energy or vehemence of emotion, thought, or activity.
Yeah, that doesn't describe me. It's amazing the intensity I bring to whatever I do. I'm in or I'm out, and when I'm in people get out of my way because I am fucking IN. I've always been this way. I'm better than I used to be but I'm still Type A. My belief is EVERYBODY in The Program is Type A, or trends that way. I don't see too many calm, relaxed types in the rooms.
Relax: To become easier in manner; to become less tense or stern; to reduce, abate, slacken.
Yeah, that seriously doesn't describe me, and I'm not kidding this time. The Elder Low used the phrase "vigorous" lately to characterize his upcoming plans. I like the word. It suggests a clean, aggressive approach to things. Let's see what Webster's has to say:
Vigor: Active physical or mental force or strength; vitality; active or healthy growth.
I played basketball in high school. I'm tall and I'm skinny, so I usually got paired up against guys who were shorter but outweighed me, often by a lot. I didn't really care. I played vigorously. I got the shit beat out of me half the time; I ended up in the locker room after the game bruised and bloodied, but I gave it my best shot. I don't think I dished out an equivalent amount of pain to my opponents but I gave it my best shot.
I don't play much basketball anymore.
Yeah, that doesn't describe me. It's amazing the intensity I bring to whatever I do. I'm in or I'm out, and when I'm in people get out of my way because I am fucking IN. I've always been this way. I'm better than I used to be but I'm still Type A. My belief is EVERYBODY in The Program is Type A, or trends that way. I don't see too many calm, relaxed types in the rooms.
Relax: To become easier in manner; to become less tense or stern; to reduce, abate, slacken.
Yeah, that seriously doesn't describe me, and I'm not kidding this time. The Elder Low used the phrase "vigorous" lately to characterize his upcoming plans. I like the word. It suggests a clean, aggressive approach to things. Let's see what Webster's has to say:
Vigor: Active physical or mental force or strength; vitality; active or healthy growth.
I played basketball in high school. I'm tall and I'm skinny, so I usually got paired up against guys who were shorter but outweighed me, often by a lot. I didn't really care. I played vigorously. I got the shit beat out of me half the time; I ended up in the locker room after the game bruised and bloodied, but I gave it my best shot. I don't think I dished out an equivalent amount of pain to my opponents but I gave it my best shot.
I don't play much basketball anymore.
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