The Dali Lama Speaks

Some good stuff from the Dali Lama:

As long as hatred dwells in the human mind, real peace is impossible.

Practicing the morality of individual liberation requires the self-awareness needed to refrain from physical and verbal actions that bring harm to others.  This means abandoning what Buddhists call the ten non-virtues.  These are organized into three categories:

1. The physical non-virtues: killing, stealing, and sexual misconduct.
2. The verbal non-virtues: lying, divisive talk, harsh speech, and senseless chatter.
3. The mental non-virtues: covetousness, harmful intent, and wrong views.

The physical ones are pretty straightforward and brook no argument. The verbal ones start to get a more invasive: I get the not lying part but the other three are a little more subtle. Avoiding talk that might annoy someone or start an argument, blathering on and on when you don't have anything to say, speaking with the intent to hurt someone. And the mental non-virtues start to get pretty abstract. They don't give me a pass for what I think. A lot of the time I allow myself to think whatever I want as long as I don't act poorly or run my mouth. The thinking part is the hardest to practice well but it still needs to be addressed.

Impossible and Intolerable: A Blotting Story

"We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help."  P. 25 Big Book

Impossible: Not able to be done or happen.
Blotting:  To obliterate; to cancel; to efface.
Intolerable:  Not capable of being borne or endured.

A favorite story of mine revolves around the hypothetical drunk being offered the choice of either continuing to drink until he/she dies, is institutionalized because of insanity, or enters the legal system; or accepting spiritual help.  There's a long pause, a furrowed brow, and this gem: "Can I get back to you on that tomorrow?"

Another one is the plight of the drunk who stumbles - drunk, of course - over the edge of a cliff and manages to grab onto a tree branch halfway down, hanging over a rocky shoreline being thrashed with huge waves.  He's screaming for help when he hears a stentorian voice say: "This is God.  I can save you, but first you have to let go of the branch.  Just let go!"

The drunk hangs there a minute, arms weakening, grip loosening, then yells: "Is there anyone else up there?"

Blotting out the details of an impossible, intolerable situation.  Sounds great, doesn't it?

Baffled Stevie

Promise:  An oath or affirmation; a vow.

Often we'll conclude a meeting by reading a section from the Big Book commonly referred to as The Promises.  Why do we call them The Promises?  Well, probably because the text asks: "Are these extravagant promises?"  That's the key phrase.  Alcoholics don't listen or pay attention so anything important has to be stated plainly and clearly, using a loud voice and simple language.

Here's one of the best Promises: "We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us." P 84 BB.

Intuition:  Immediate cognition without the use of conscious rational processes; a perceptive insight gained by use of this faculty.

Boy, was there ever a long last of situations that used to baffle me.  I was easily baffled.  In fact, one of my nicknames is Baffled Steve.  

Baffle:  To bewilder completely; to confuse or perplex.

Do I act or do I wait?  

One of my favorite Seinfeld episodes revolves around the flawed character George.  He's in the midst one of his typical runs of terrible bad luck, a state of affairs that he's too myopic to see is his own damn fault.  One day, at lunch, he orders the exact opposite of the meal he orders every single day.  This attracts the attention of a beautiful woman who has just ordered the the identical meal.  Henceforth and forever more, he decides to do the opposite of what he normally does.  What happens?  Well, everything goes his way - he gets the woman, he gets the job, he finds $20 on the ground, everything begins to come up roses.  

I'll tell you - I get it.  I didn't have a great track record of making good decisions when I was drinking so I started out by not doing anything when I felt like I should do something and doing anything when I had no idea what I should do.  I figured the exact opposite would be the smartest move and I wasn't often disappointed.

Tidbits of Someone Else's Wisdom

9/16/08:  There is no doubt that the whole goal of life is to be satisfied with what one has.  This is the goal of all spiritual pursuits.

So if no one told you that they loved you today . . . tough shit, you still can't drink.

It's a great truth that the anticipation of pain is worse than most pain itself.  Add to that the relief at not having to worry any more about the pain that wasn't as bad as I thought is so pleasant that I'm motivated to go out and generate even worse pain so I can work through it and feel even better.

Boredom is low-grade depression.

God does not need my praise.  God did not create me so that I can praise Him.  God has a really fine and good sense of self-worth.  God is perfectly fine when I'm mad at Him.  God has a thick skin.  My invective bounces off harmlessly.

Today I'm going to be afraid, judgmental, angry, depressed, isolated.  I'm going to be proud, egotistical, resentful, bored, euphoric, and In Control.  And I'm going to live in The Future because that's where I can control things to my satisfaction unless something terrible is coming down the pike.

You can acquire thing or you can acquire experiences.  Things are deceptive and illusory and most compelling.

It's easy to daydream about things - moving to a new city, changing jobs, getting married -  but it's another thing altogether to actually do them.

My brain is a Difficulty Factory.

"The desire to do God's will is, in effect, doing God's will."  Thomas Merton

LITTLE Stevie Seaweed

Little:  Insignificant, trivial; short in duration; brief.

I'm coming more and more to embrace an almost digital existence.  Ones and Zeros.  Thought may just be mathematics.  Everything may just boil down to mathematical formulas.  Physics is weird shit, man.  

I am losing what is material and becoming pure electricity.  If we're lucky you're going to remembered for 3 generations and that's if you have children.  If you don't then you'll be lucky to have a material presence for 25 years and then you'll be gone, poof, wiped clean of the earth.  I think often of my grandparents but I only met one great grandmother and I know almost nothing of the people who came before them.  And I mean nothing.  I believe this is becoming more common, that the time we're present in the human consciousness is shorter and shorter.  Maybe that's the curse of the high-traffic, high-volume, monstrous data-dump that living a digital existence has become for people growing up in the 21st century.       

Talk about not being that important.  Talk about sobering.  Talk about being little.  Shit, that's my nickname: Little Stevie Seaweed.

I don't want this to sound negative.  I truly believe that I'm important and that I'm making a difference and that I'm loved and appreciated but I also believe that Here Today, Gone Tomorrow is a no bullshit aphorism.  No one is interested in my stuff or my shit or my story.  I try to make a difference today with no illusion that any difference I make is going to hang around for any length of time.  

I can't escape the feeling that this does sound negative.  Actually, I find it very freeing.  It gives me a ton of perspective.  It helps me get right-sized instead of living in this weirdly massive self-important self-image I have in my mind.

I'm Not The Plan Maker

9/5/07: 
1. My back is not that bad.
2. Be grateful for what you have - make a list.  (Ed. Note: I believe this is called a Gratitude List, the most famous of all A.A. lists.  The entry makes it sound like I just invented it.)
3. Do the best you can and be satisfied with that.
4. Why are you drinking coffee?

10/21/07:
1.  This is what life is.  Get off life's back.
2.  Be in the minute. (Ed. Note:  I believe this is a variation on One Day At A Time, which I did not come up with.) 
3.  Work on the meditation.  (Ed. Note: I believe this is the 11th Step.  I did not come up with this, either.)
4. Quit trying to make life more than it is.  (Ed. Note: I don't know what this means.)

I'm not sure what I learned in the month between these two entries.

Life unfolds so beautifully if I give it a chance which I don't like to do, apparently.  I prefer picking up a sledgehammer and trying to bash it into submission.  I want to mold life into a shape and form of my choosing.  I try to ignore the fact that the I know that the Plan Maker ain't me.  It has been a long and strange journey, but life does make sense from time to time.  A little bit.  Sometimes.  I see that there is some kind of logical plan unfolding.  My goal is to quit fighting it.  I try to find my place in the logical plan.

Gimme That PlayStation

Prayer:  A practice of communicating with one's god; a request, a petition.

So the point is that if I'm praying I should be asking, not telling.  I'm not great at asking but I'm quite good at telling.  Another good word for prayer is supplication which is defined as a humble request.

"We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only.  We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped.  We are careful never (Ed. Note: NEVER) to pray for our own selfish ends."  P 87 BB.

Others:  Other people.  (Ed. Note: Grrrrrr.)

"Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all our activities.  'How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done.'  We can exercise our thoughts along these lines all we wish.  It is the proper use of the will."  P 85 BB

So when I add the qualifier "if it be your will" to my prayers I find that I've gotten increasingly comfortable with the asking for a specific thing.  I used to think this is selfish and that's probably because it is selfish.  However, I also believe that asking for something is a way for me to show my humility.  I'm not demanding it anymore, just asking for it.  It is a statement of powerlessness and a recognition of where the power lies.  I don't think my higher power is angry with me when I ask for a specific outcome as long as I try to remember that the wisdom of the answer is in his hands.  That's the "this is out of my control" part of the prayer.

Ask, don't demand, but ask.  Sometimes you get the PlayStation.

Being of Service Takes Many Forms

I received a text from my sister asking for some of my perspective and wisdom on life.  She has had a tough few years what with the death of our parents and her mother-in-law, a job loss, children going to college or at least trying to go in the midst of the pandemic.

First of all, the fact that anyone thinks I'm serene and wise is a miracle.  When I was running and gunning no one was coming to me for counsel.  They were backing away holding strings of garlic and wooden crosses.  When someone says something like that I turn around to see if there's someone standing behind me.  Anyway, my response . . .  

So . . . . 

I'm not sure I've got any great insight here that doesn't sound preachy or unrealistic.  My old AA sponsor used to say (he was 20 years older than me): "Steve-O, at my age I go to a lot more funerals than christenings."  Death is inevitable and death is best included as part of life.  It shouldn't be scary or avoided.  It's coming for all of us.

Have you ever considered or investigated any Grief Groups?  I attended two of them out here for about 6 months after dad died and found them extraordinarily helpful (one was at a non-denominational local church and was run by a retired shrink, the other was at the local hospice.)  The groups helped me come to terms with loss, with the understanding that sometimes things change and they're never going back to the "way they used to be" and they helped me understand that grief is an individual thing.  It takes what it takes.  There isn't a right way or a wrong way to go about it.  Some people are very emotional, some more reserved.  Some get hit hard right away, some feel the pain later.  The important thing is to embrace it and go through it.  

As Lloyd Braun from Seinfeld said: "Serenity now - insanity later."  The idea in his case was that if you don't honestly face the reality of your life it's going to eat your head from the inside out.  It's fine to look on the bright side of things unless something really is wrong.

I like the story of the farmer emerging from his storm cellar in the aftermath of a tornado and viewing the wreckage of his house: "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma.  Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?"  Big Book P 82.  Yeah, well, positive thinking only makes sense some of the time.  Unless your house is now kindling.

I also saw a psychiatrist for about 15 sessions.  I found this very helpful, too.  I was OK after mom and my sponsor died and I was OK after dad died for about 3 months (being so busy as the executor of the estate helped distract me) and then I started having episodes of anxiety that began to develop into  panic attacks.  The groups and the counselor and AA all got me squared away but it wasn't a quick process.

You might find this list of stressors helpful - they vary from source to source but there's a ton of agreement.

1. Death of a spouse (or child): 100
2. Divorce: 73
3. Marital separation: 65
4. Imprisonment: 63
5. Death of a close family member: 63
6. Personal injury or illness: 53
7. Marriage: 50
8. Dismissal from work: 47
9. Marital reconciliation: 45
10. Retirement: 45

I've also learned that stress comes in all kinds of forms.   Financial stuff is never fun.  I will say that having both of your children leave for school and edging up on 60 (sorry, sister, here it comes and it's a big one) are both going to get at your insides.  I had 33 years of sobriety this week.  Where did the time go?  I'm in my second year of social security and I'm going to qualify for fucking MEDICARE in 15 months.  Take that!

AA really stresses staying in the moment - how are things right now? - and doing what's in front of you, doing the next right thing, the next indicated thing.

The future is tricky.  I try to stay out of the future.  I have no control over the future.  The future often/usually/always works out a little differently than I think it's going to.  I lean on my faith to believe that all will work out for the best in the long run.  That doesn't mean that I'm going to get what I want or avoid what I don't want but that my god has a good plan for me.

Alcoholics Anonymous has been a powerful tool for me.  I wish I didn't have to go through the misery I went through to get sober but it has given me a faith in a higher power, a solid practice in prayer and meditation, a great, great social network of men and women with whom I share everything (isolation is a crippling force), a sense that I'm ultimately going to be taken care of while not escaping the ups and downs of life.

When you think of mom and dad remember what Homer says: "A parent's worst nightmare is to die before their children."

Happiness

"Happiness consists not of having, but of being, not of possessing, but of enjoying.  It is the warm glow of a heart at peace with itself.  Absolute, perfect, continuous happiness in life, is impossible for the human.  Happiness is paradoxical because it may coexist with trial, sorrow, and poverty.  It is the gladness of the heart, - rising superior to all conditions.

Place other things higher than your own happiness and it will surely come to you.  The basis of happiness is the love of something outside of self.

Life is not something to be lived through; it is something to be lived up to.  It is a privilege, not a penal servitude of so many decades on earth.

Unhappiness is the hunger to get; happiness is the hunger to give.  If the individual should set out for a single day to give Happiness, to make life happier, brighter and sweeter, not for himself, but for others, he would find a wondrous revelation of what Happiness really is.

These quotes are from an editor/writer named William George Jordan who was sort of an early Self-Help book writer in the late 1800s.  I find some of the writing too flowery and pompous for my tastes but I'm always amazed at how basic spiritual principles are found everywhere, over and over again.  One of my mildly amusing musings is to tell people: "If you want to be really happy think about yourself all day."  

Doesn't work folks.  If you don't believe me read some W.G. Jordan.

Meetings

 I attended an Ohio meeting this morning, one that I was a regular at for many years.  It made me laugh the difference between the general tenor of the sharing and the comportment of the attendees.  Don't get me wrong - the Alcoholics Anonymous in California is great and just perfect and so is the AA in Ohio.  I'm not complaining or judging . . . for a change.  I tried that once after we moved from Chicago to Cincinnati - I was grousing about how much better AA was in Chicago during a visit back there and was handed my severed head on a silver platter by some old-timers.  I don't do that anymore.

In CA we call milestones "birthdays."  At in-person meetings the birthday boy or girl is serenaded with Happy Birthday, in a horribly mumbling and off-key way, and is actually given a cake, a fucking birthday cake, often delivered by sort of a posse of the people who are instrumental in his or her sobriety.  I have so far refused this honorific, choosing instead this very nice mentally challenged lady who has severe hearing problems but comes early every meeting to set the room up.  SHE is the only one I'll "take a cake" from.  The coup de grace is that, after extinguishing the candles, one is expected to tell "how they did it," to give a little speech, to hog the spotlight for a few minutes.  As if I have any fucking idea how I did it.

In Ohio you get to announce your "anniversary" for an entire week but that's it - no cake, no posse, no speech, no song.  You get a "coin" instead of a "chip."  So this morning I chimed in with my 33 years - or, as a visitor from Ireland told me on Thursday: Tirty-Tree - and . . . that was that.  Crickets.  Blank stares.  Nobody, not one person, made even the briefest mention during the course of the meeting.

I'm amused at the regional differences in the 7 different states in which I've lived.  Ohio is very Midwest - people tend not to call attention to themselves.  It's bad form.  In California, home of the movie star, the rock stars, Big Personalities are rampant.  You can even see this in the meetings, which are generally much larger than in the Midwest and tend to have a group of Big Personalities who seem to be the behind the scenes puppet masters.

I do like getting a breakfast cake, though.  The pandemic has screwed me out of my fucking breakfast cake.

Stretched Out Neckhole

Been attending some meetings on the 9th Step.  The face-to-face, I'm-going-to-do-better Step.

Apology: A regretful acknowledgement of an offense or a failure.

Amends: Compensate or make up for a wrongdoing. 

Both of these are important.  I believe that part of the 9th Step process is the uncomfortable face-to-face "I'm sorry."  This makes the Step personal.  It makes it a lot harder.  It also makes me aware of all the empty, meaningless "I'm sorries" I trotted out when I was drinking.  What I meant was more along the lines of "I'm sorry I got caught.  I'm sorry that I'm feeling miserable right now."  Beyond that I wasn't sorry for shit.  It's revealing that the definition of an apology indicates that it's just an acknowledgement of the offense and that includes the word "regretful."  A feeling of regret reminds me of not being able to attend a wedding because you'll be out of town.  It's a mild, spineless, gutless word.

There's a Seinfeld episode where George Costanza thought he was due an amends from a character who was working on Step 9.  This guy had refused to let George borrow a cashmere sweater because he was afraid that it would be stretched out.  Instead of a heartfelt and sincere apology he got this: "I'm sorry I was worried that your somewhat large and bulbous head was going to stretch out the neck hole of my finely knit sweater."  That was my kind of amends right there.

The rubber really hits the road with the changing the behavior part of the Step, the living differently part.  It's not a very effective apology if you simply keep doing the offensive thing.  This part doesn't sing until you do the face-to-face thing  . . .  which is hollow unless you change your behavior.

I think I'm trapped in another maze of circular logic so I just do both of them.

Intuition and Inspiration

Inspiration:  A new idea, especially one that arises suddenly and is clever or creative.

Intuition: A perceptive insight gained without the use of conscious rational processes.

Spooky sounding shit, isn't it?  But here it is: right in our text.

"Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision.  We relax and take it easy. (Ed. Note: We do what now?  And then after that we do what?)  We don't struggle.  (Ed. Note: Oh, come on now, enough is enough.) We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while.  What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind."  BB PP 86-7.

"As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action."  BB P 87.

"We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.  We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."  BB P 84. 

Suburban Bill called the other day to talk about this frustrating and frightening situation that he's going through at his work.  He does this even though I caution him that I'm not the best source of advice about anything beyond an unquestioned ability to rank all of the Black Sabbath albums, from best to worst.  Actually, I had lived through something pretty similar ten years ago or so and I know Bill is experienced enough to seek counsel from many different sources, both verbal and written, and that he has a rich spiritual life that is a font of strength.  He shared with me a letter that he had written to the company officers.  I could immediately see that it was not a great letter.  While it was accurate and justified and understandable it was mostly just a lot of bitching and self-interested grievance.  

I had great faith that he would work through this deliberately, in his own time and in his own way, and arrive at a good decision.  I didn't think he would send the letter - at least not in that initial form - but I was careful not to tell him not to send the letter because I have no idea what he should do.  Maybe this is a case where if he sent the letter he would have gotten exactly what he wanted and maybe this is a case where sending the letter would have so enraged the officers that they would have released him immediately.  In any case, this was a decision for Bill and for Bill only.  I had complete faith that he would go through a measured analysis and do what he felt was right.

I try to never tell anyone what to do.  I will tell you what I've done and I can often point out some relevant stuff in our literature and I always encourage people to talk to as many of their AA colleagues as they can because you never know where the intuition and inspiration is going to be found.

My sponsor Kenner once responded to my request for a specific course of action with a guffaw and this gem: "Oh, no you don't - if it doesn't work out I don't want you coming back to blame me."  

He's at the Great Meeting in the Sky, chortling away.

Simply Grateful

 I'm sort of in a back and forth thing with my sister right now about how "devastated" her daughters are because they're not getting the full-on, in-person college experience.  The kind person that I am (or, at least, am trying to become) is understanding.  That's a big shock for a young person.  The touchy, irritable person that is still lurking right below the surface rolls his eyes.  C'mon, I was worried about getting drafted to go to Vietnam so I don't have too much sympathy for someone who is upset because they have to take a semester of on-line classes.  I try to share with clueless Earth People about our relentless, tireless pursuit of The Positive without sounding cold and preachy.  It's out there and we can find it.  Sometimes it's obscured by the fog of calamity and self-pity, but it's out there.

I also try to stay grateful for the routine.  I recall this year not long ago where I caught every fucking disease that was cycling through my community.  I started out with the flu, despite my flu shot, reminding me why I get a flu shot because I do not want to get the flu ever again.  I picked up a stomach virus at some point - highly unusual for me, Mr. Cast Iron Stomach - where I threw up more times in a week than I had in the last 40 years and I am NOT making that up.  Then I concluded with this nasty chest cold that was circulating which I could not shake without antibiotics which I had not taken for 20 years.  As soon as I crawled into bed the dry, hacking, unproductive cough would start up, jerking me awake no matter the level of my exhaustion.

Lovely topic this morning, right?  When all of this pestilence finally cleared up I recall sitting in my Quiet Time chair deeply, deeply, deeply grateful that I was back at a normal, base-line level of health. 

"Why am I not more grateful that I'm a relatively healthy person?" I mused.

I have a tendency to feel that I've under-performed at the end of each day.  I could have done more: bigger, faster, further.  What a waste of my energy.

One More Success Story

 Charming:  Delightful in a playful way which avoids responsibility or seriousness, as if attracting through a magical charm.

There was this young guy who attended meetings with us when we were still renting a house here, trying to decide whether to make a permanent move or not.  I liked him a lot - he was bright and friendly and charming and totally full of shit. 

"I don't think he gets what we're trying to do here," I said to SuperK.  He was trying to skate through recovery on the basis of charm and personality and good intentions.  We all think we're fooling the long-timers when we first come in but we're almost never accomplishing this.  Bullshit is easy to spot, especially in newcomers who are mostly composed of bullshit and when the spotters are former bullshit-spotters who are expert in bullshit-spotting.  It's like a child who believes she's come up with a new way to fool the clueless parent.

Sure enough off he went for a brief period of research.  "Finishing up our lead" is how we put it.  He came back in, went to work on The Steps with vigor and success, and drifted out of my immediate orbit due to geographical reasons.

"I knew the man by name and partly recognized his features, but there all resemblance ended.  From a trembling, despairing, nervous wreck, had emerged a man brimming over with self-reliance.  I talked with him for some time, but was not able to bring myself to feel that I had known him before. " BB P. XXXI.

I now see him on a regular basis in a morning Zoom meeting.  After the first time I heard him speak I said to SuperK: "I think he's got it."  It's not at all hard to tell when someone is truly trying to live a recovery life on a spiritual basis.  Just like bullshit oozes out of a person's personality so does spirituality.  He looks bright and colorful, and he sparkles with humility and honesty.  It literally pours off his being.   

It's an amazing thing to experience.  There are so many failures in A.A. and not because of a systemic fault in The Program but because it's so goddam hard to put down the alcohol and drugs and start to do the hard work of recovery.  I'm glad I'm around to see these things.

Politics and Gratitude and The Damn To Do List

After we've been alive for a while we are who we are.  We can always change but the change becomes more incremental and more difficult.  A lot of the time I end my day feeling like I've fallen short, that I haven't checked off all of the things on my To Do List, some of which have been on the list for months and years, like dinosaur bones.  No one is going to complete that 3rd Century Roman aqueduct.  I can take "Finish Aqueduct" off of my To Do List.  It is what it is.  We don't do something else because we don't want to do something else - we want to do what we're doing.  Hopefully, there's some peace to be found in that.  And hopefully we push through that and accomplish the hard, new things that we don't want to tackle.  There's some peace in that, too.

The pandemic reminds me sometimes of all the things that I used to be able to easily do but now can't, things I took for granted and things I didn't take for granted, things that I deeply enjoyed and now miss.  I have to redouble my efforts to appreciate all the things I have in my life.  I have a Gratitude List that I review mentally each morning but still have a tendency to forget to be grateful, which makes me ungrateful to varying degrees.  Reminds me of the time I had a really nasty flu/respiratory infection and was sick for a number of weeks, coughing, coughing, coughing all the time, not sleeping with all of the coughing.  When I finally recovered I was so happy to just not start coughing as soon as I lay down to sleep that it made me realize how I took my health - my excellent health - for granted.  THAT is on the top of my Gratitude List every day.

I'm a little worried about politics and Alcoholics Anonymous right now.  This whole mask thing - incomprehensibly - is seeming to evolve into an issue of your political views instead of a public health issue.  We have a few meetings open for in person fellowship and they're militantly right-wing.  I don't care about your politics.   I have friends who have much different political views that me and I get along with them just fine . . . as long as we don't discuss politics.  I hope we don't shred some of our apolitical comity.

The Ghostly Whine of an Alcoholic Complaining

Whine: A long-drawn, high-pitched complaining cry or sound.  (Ed. Note: that definition makes me shudder and cringe.)

I've been amused/irritated to hear a mostly continuous stream of grousing and bitching from a select few A.A. members about their preference for in-person meetings over Zoom meetings.  Look, I get it - this isn't the first choice for anybody.  We all want to get back to intimate, face-to-face fellowship but after awhile the complaining just becomes tiresome.  I didn't complain about the snow in Chicago or the humidity in Ohio and I sure don't complain about the L.A. traffic (Ed. Note: I'm lying here - I'm obviously lying here.   I have complained/am complaining/will, in the future, complain, about all of these things.  I have learned, however, eventually, to quit complaining about them all the time and to make the best of whatever situation I'm in that I have no power to change.  After a while the complaining morphs into tiresome bitching.)

Anyway, I've mentioned that one of my solutions to the Zoom situation is to attend meetings back in Ohio, meetings that I attended in person for years and years.  It has been a blast.  I was looking at the Brady Bunch screen (I love how some people sit so still that they look like the frame has frozen and some are in this constant, restless, twitching movement.) and marveling at some of the faces and some of the memories.

There's one guy who I literally, truly love like a brother but with whom I hadn't been communicating for a few years.  A true friend is someone that you can sit down with after a long absence and begin talking as if one of you had stepped away momentarily to use the bathroom or grab a cup of coffee - it's that seamless and natural.  There's no "catching up on what's been going on." There's another guy with whom I was friendly in a marginal way but who really stepped in when my sponsor was dying to give me a boots-on-the-ground perspective, especially at the end when Kenner stopped answering his phone and someone needed to actually drive to the care facility to see what was going on.  There's a not-so-young anymore woman showing up, who just celebrated 20 years of continuous sobriety, the one who told the memorable story about getting yelled at for months because she always showed up for work late and then copping a resentment because no one gave her a reward when she became punctual.  There's a guy who probably doesn't remember me that was just getting sober when a few of us started a men's meeting . . . 15 years ago.  There are several folks there who I chatted with pleasantly but unremarkably when I was in town.  It's fun to see them, too.

I talk about love a lot.  I talk about how it's possible to find the solution to everything, to anything, as long as I'm willing to make an effort.

Proper Use of the Will

 "We should be sensible, tactful, considerate, and humble without being servile or scraping.  As God's people we stand on our feat; we don't crawl before anyone."  BB P 83.

One of my favorite phrases from The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.  When I needed to correct bad behavior I fought the process - when I corrected the bad behavior to the best of my ability and tried to change my behavior to prevent a repeat of the bad behavior I continued to beat the shit out of my self forever.  I find that alcoholics whipsaw between apologizing for nothing to apologizing for everything.

Will: Mental powers manifested as wishing, choosing, desiring, or intending.

This is a hell of a good definition.  Very illuminating.  The idea of "turning my will over" has always been a little confusing for me.  "Turning my life over" makes more sense.  If I get up and see that I have a flat tire on my car I figure I have a flat tire on my car.  That must be in God's plan for me.  "It is what it is" is bandied about the Seaweed household all the time.  But turning my desire to never have a flat tire?  Meh.  I guess the idea is to turn off all of my wanting and wishing and desiring and lusting.  I guess the idea is that my higher power is in a better position to decide what's in my best interest and what's not.

"Every day is a day when we must carry a vision of God's will into all our daily activities. 'How can I best serve thee - they will (not mine) be done.  These are thoughts which must go with us constantly.  We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish.  It is the proper use of the will."  BB P 85.

PlayStations and Such

 This idea of prayer has always intrigued me.  Talking to god.  It makes me laugh to think of god being interested in anything I have to say.  I'm a two year old laying out the agenda for the day.  Top of the list is a new PlayStation.  Mom is nodding her head and totally ignoring me.

Petition: A supplication; an entreaty; to make a request.

"Now, what of prayer?  Prayer is the raising of the heart and mind to God.  Prayer, as commonly understood, is a petition to God.  Having opened our channel as best we can, we try to ask for those right things of which we and others are in the greatest need."  

More bullshit about other people, I see.  And I'm uncomfortable with the idea of asking, preferring the verb "to demand."

"Having opened our channel as best we can, we try to ask for those right things of which we and others are in the greatest need."

The bullshit about other people continues unabated.  It's a flood of bullshit.

And we think that the whole range of our needs is well defined by that part of Step Eleven which says: ". . . knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."  A few lines later we see this gem: "Even so, when making specific requests, it will be well to add to each of them this qualification:'if it be Thy will.' "

We don't pay close attention to any rules or regulations so our founders had to repeat them over and over and over . . .   Not your will, dude - God's will.

With my minor back ailment I found myself asking my higher power for a very specific outcome.  I'm only human, after all, and my wish is to have the pain quotient in my life burble along in low gear.  I am, in my defense, careful to add: "But this is what I want.  If you have other plans I'm good with that.  I'll deal with whatever your will is to the best of my ability."  I feel good about asking for what I want.  I don't think this is unreasonable.  If I want a PlayStation I should ask for one.  I shouldn't demand one and I shouldn't be setting myself up to pitch a bitch if I don't get one.  I think that the asking is healthy for me - I'm acknowledging the importance of my higher power in my life.  It's a supplication.  It's a two way interaction between god and me.

Fair Disclosure: I don't know what a PlayStation is.  I do know that it hadn't been invented yet when I allegedly was asking for one.

Advise and Consent

 I took two calls yesterday from old friends in The Program who have many years of sobriety.  Both of them wanted my advice.

Advice:  An opinion offered in an effort to be helpful.

I like that the definition uses the word "opinion" instead of "fact."  I like that the word "effort" is included.  My definition would be more along the lines of "Facts delivered which, if enacted, would be helpful."  One of my favorite suggestions when people ask for my advice - distressingly rare, to be sure - is to urge these idiots to talk to a lot of other people, too.  I'm not being falsely modest when I say this.  I know that my advice is wise and sage and spot-on sometimes.  I also know that it's way off the mark sometimes, too.  Consensus building is the rule of the day.  Even if my wise, sage, spot-on advice would work for me that doesn't necessarily mean it would work for you.  I often conclude my advice dispensing by reminding whatever idiot I'm talking to with a jolly: "But what do I know?  I'm lucky if I can find my car keys half the time."

The first guy didn't have much of a problem.  Really, the bulk of the conversation centered around the fact that he was a little frustrated at being cooped up with his family for too long a time.  My advice in these situations is: "Ah, no shit?"  My good advice is to remind everyone that very few things outside of death are forever.  We'll be through this eventually.  Enjoy the novel stuff and evolve to accept the irritating stuff.  I miss seeing my friends at my paused in-person meetings. I'm also totally digging seeing very old friends in a city that was my home AA base for 20 years.  I can live in the frustration or I can find a solution.

The second guy is dealing with a family member who won't let him off the hook for a past wrong.  My friend has made a formal apology in his 9th Step amends process.  He has also tried to change his behavior so that he doesn't keep making the same mistakes.  No luck so far.  I wondered aloud if the family member is just needling him.  That doesn't seem to be the case.  The guy seems to still be airing his grievances.

I get somewhat protective of my friends.  I told him that "As God's people we stand on our feet; we don't crawl before anyone."  I am happy to take shit from other people much of the time.  I do not let it go on forever.

The next day I got up and wondered about the flip side of the coin: that we have a tremendous Program and tremendous friends to bounce our grievances off of so maybe he should just suck it up and play hurt.  He doesn't live with the guy so maybe he ignores him from time to time.  "We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick." Not were spiritually sick - perhaps were spiritually sick.  "  Or this: "Let's remember that alcoholics are not the only ones bedeviled by sick emotions."  How about that gem?

So clearly I don't know what the fuck he should do.  He's a smart guy working a good Program so he'll figure it out.

"Ask Him each day in your morning meditation what you can do for the man who is still sick."

The Big Finish

 After the Zoom meeting this morning my friend Suburban Bill stayed around for twenty minutes or so and talked with SuperK and me, mostly about her two brothers who have been recently diagnosed with incurable cancers.  I kept quiet because I thought it was great that SuperK could get a different viewpoint on what was going on from a disinterested third party.  Not that she doesn't value my support and counsel but I bring my own biases and history to the discussion and it's always helpful to seek advice from lots of different people, especially on topics that are new to us.

I include a lot of friends in my morning Quiet Time when I cycle through my Gratitude List.  Suburban and I are people who approach life in a similar way -  we aren't especially social but we're both especially charming, caring about others intensely and deeply, but in short bursts.  I'm not sure we give ourselves enough credit for this character trait but we sure enjoy tearing each other up over our weaknesses, something we do it in good humor and with no doubt that the shit being heaped is done with the greatest affection.  He talks about how much he cares about the people in the churches he calls on, so much so that he doesn't take advantage - monetary advantage - when they allow him to just fill out order sheets with whatever he suggests.

"Man, I could make more money if I padded those orders," he told me once.

Not worth it.  Not worth the nagging sense of shame that a little more money would bring him.  He talked about a story in the Bible where Jeebus, facing an agonizing crucifixion and then death, tried to weasel his way out of the tribulations before defaulting to the famous AA addendum: "If it be thy will."  That helped my wife deal with the fact that she's trying to weasel a better outcome for her brothers.

"I think that's pretty natural," quoth Bill.

"Service, gladly rendered obligations squarely met, troubles well accepted or solved with God's help, the knowledge that at home or in the world outside we are partners in a common effort, the well-understood fact that in God's sight all human beings are important, the proof that love freely given surely brings a full return, the certainty that we are no longer isolated and alone in self-constructed prisons, the surety that we need no longer be square pegs in round holes but can fit and belong in God's scheme of things - these are the permanent and legitimate satisfactions of right living for which no amount of pomp and circumstance, no heap of material possessions, could possibly be substitutes."  12&12 P 124.

No Regrets, Here

Two of my brother-in-laws have been diagnosed with cancer in the space of two months.  While SuperK has a distant relationship with the oldest brother she is quite close with the other who is much closer in age to her.  She's doing a great job in processing through this but it's going to be a process.  For me what this death and dying stuff always does is make me reflect on life in general: who I am, how I got here, where am I going, will there be a college football season this year, and the like.  The death of my parents sure fired this off and the fact that my body is in the early stages of balkiness is keeping it rolling.

I was musing on the fact that here I sit in Southern California after a life in the Midwest and on the East coast.  To my enduring surprise I fit in very well here, enjoying my presence immensely, while remaining at my core a West coast immigrant.  No one ever asks if I'm a native, saying instead "So where are you from originally?" When I was in high school I choose to go to a school in the east as did every single person in my class.  Nobody picked the west.  My core personality has been shaped by my Ohio upbringing and Philadelphia schooling and I'll always be that kind of guy: cynical, spare in my words and actions, striving to achieve.  Yet here I am and glad to be here and certain as certain can be that I'll never leave.  After mom and dad died so did my trips back home and, yes, Ohio will always be "home."

These deaths and illnesses bring up some "What If?" thoughts.  What if I had gone to college out here? Would I have stayed or would I have always felt out of place - as out of place as I do now, and that's saying a lot for a state where so many people are from somewhere else.  And when I say "out of place" I don't mean unwelcome - I mean an immigrant, a dude from somewhere else.  It seems so self-evident to me that I would have fallen in love and never left yet I visited several times in my early years - both for pleasure and for work - and felt so out of place that I decided I didn't like the vibe.

In my morning Quiet Time I always go over a Gratitude List so that I never, ever forget how blessed I am.  A big category is Friends.  And when I look at the people locally that I count as my biggest, closest friends they're mostly from somewhere else.  Is this because I'm drawn to the familiar or is it because I'm that kind of person and that ain't never gonna change?

In a way this makes a kind of sense, my insertion into my new home.  California is a lot more nuanced than it may seem on the surface what with the pictures of beaches and movie stars and Yosemite.  I always thought of a grinder as a banker in NYC or a lawyer in Chicago but I see people in the entertainment business with just as much fire and just as much of a work ethic.  Trust me: you don't get to be a rock star by tossing TVs out of hotel windows and sleeping with sexy groupies.  You practice all the time and play to empty bars for tip money.  I get to go to live theater here and the brilliance of the acting leaves me with my jaw ajar.  These actors are not just moving around and intoning lines of dialogue.  They're inhabiting a character.

Still . . . as an alcoholic I'm a bit of a sybarite.  I like pleasure.  I like to feel good.  This is a state with perfect weather and an unbelievable variety of food and natural beauty galore and an airport that will jet me direct to almost anywhere in the world for a reasonable price.  Gone are the days of strapping on work boots and driving through sleet for four hours to stomp around some filthy manufacturing plant.  It's a lot easier to walk outside into perfect weather, mountains peeking over the horizon to my left, the smell of the ocean a short ten minute drive away.

No regrets here, just reflections.  I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time so here I sit: relatively happy, somewhat content, monstrously blessed.

The Big Book

I've been attending a lot of literature meetings lately.  I prefer meetings where we read out of our books.  I believe that the solutions to my alcoholism is found in these books.  General discussion meetings where a topic is chosen are often good but they are somewhat more likely than literature meetings to drift into grievance sessions or a cataloging of problems.  Bitching, in other words.  We all have problems.  It's okay to talk about the things that are bothering us as long as we move forward into possible solutions for those problems.  Not that I don't enjoy bitching . . . 

All of the following quotes come from The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, copied ver batim.

"Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us." 

Purpose:  The reason for which something is done, or the reason it is done in a particular way.

I do not see anything about me in there.

Here is a burst from the chapter "More About Alcoholism."

"We know that no alcoholic ever recovers control.  Over any considerable period we get worse, never better."

I see never and ever in there.   I see no sometimes-es or occasionally-es, and definitely no maybes.  A reminder that I've got this thing and I better remember I got this thing because the results if I forget about the nature of this thing are always going to be the same.

Don't believe us?

"Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking.  Try to drink and stop abruptly.  Try it more than once.  If anyone questions whether he has entered this dangerous area, let him try leaving liquor alone for one year."

One year?!  I remember going to comedy club once in the day.  The club was packed and the rows were pretty close together, both of which made it hard for the waitresses to serve the patrons.  The fact that I clearly appeared to be a non-tipper (totally justified) didn't help, either.  I recall drinking a beer and then waiting a frustratingly long period of time to get my second one ordered and delivered.  By this point I could see that I wasn't ever going to get enough beer to put a buzz on so I sat sullenly through the set until I could get the fuck out of there and go somewhere where I could drink freely.  I was an unhappy and sober alcoholic.  I figured if I couldn't drink as much as I wanted to then I wasn't going to drink at all.  Half a buzz was worse than no buzz at all.

What normal person thinks like that?

"He had much knowledge about himself as an alcoholic (referring to an alcoholic who decided that dropping a shot of whiskey into a glass of milk - which sounds like the most disgusting thing I've ever heard of and I drank a lot of disgusting shit - wouldn't lead him down that dark familiar road.)  Yet all reasons for not drinking were easily pushed aside in favor of the foolish idea that he take whiskey if he only mixed it with milk!

I've mentioned a few times the experience very recently (as I approach 33 years of continuous sobriety) of seeing a character in a movie vape marijuana and experiencing a momentary flash of curiosity.  It looked so efficient!  Much less wasteful that fumbling with a joint.  And let's not even get into the fact that I can drive around the block to a marijuana dispensary and buy whatever I want legally.  Still stops me in my tracks.

". . . absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge.  The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink.  Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other person can provide such a defense."

Yeah, yeah, you're really smart.  We get it.  You don't got it, though, smart guy.  Read all the books you want.  Study away.  Pack your massive brain with encyclopedias of information.  Alcohol is smarter than you are.  Of this we're sure.

"The sensation is so elusive (speaking here about the ease and relaxation that comes from taking a drink) that, while they admit that it is injurious, they cannot over time differentiate the true from the false."

"The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed."

Perspective, Man

I'm actually pretty happy with my reaction to my back troubles.  I do OK with emotional and mental discomfort.  I'm competent when it comes to letting the troubles of the world wash over me, roll off my back, but physical pain has always been a bugaboo and this from a guy who has been blessed with incredible physical health.  I take care of myself - I eat right and exercise and get enough rest/sleep - but some of this has to be chalked up to good genes and the luck of the draw and a blessing from my higher power.  Never been in the hospital in sobriety, don't take any medication, not managing any debilitating conditions or diseases. 

Think I'm grateful about all of this?  Meh.  Sometimes.  Intermittently.  Comes and goes.  Mostly goes.  Mostly goes to a distant land and assumes a fake identity so I can't fucking find it unless I hire a whole team of private detectives.  Gratitude doesn't come easily to me.  I have to check off all of my blessings mentally every morning and I'm often surprised at how robust the list is.  And I have to tweak it so that I'm actively grateful for all of the stuff.  A friend texted me a Gratitude List the other day which was full of du jour gifts not just the big ones that are usually present.

I have always loved the flip side of our AA coin: To Thine Own Self Be True.  Interestingly enough the first recorded instance of this phrase can befound in Shakespeare's play "Hamlet."  Bill and Bob plagiarizing again.  I'm never going to be a Happy Go Lucky kind of guy.  I'm a serious dude with a serious temperament.  Water doesn't roll off my back like rain on a duck - it sticks there with Super Glue-like intensity.  It's welded on there, man.

Perspective:  To think about a situation or a problem in a wise and reasonable way; to compare something to other things so that it can be accurately and fairly judged.

I'm really, really trying to take the Long View, to see the Big Picture.  I enjoy the image of my spirit floating up above my body and watch Little Stevie navigate the world.  It allows me to see how insignificant I really am and how little control I have over the affairs of the world.  

Perspective, man.

Touchstone Bill

I've got a little lower back thing going on right now.  To reiterate a common theme in my life: I DO NOT like pain.  I don't see the point of my having to feel any mental, emotional, or physical discomfort.  I believe that I should be permitted to sail blithely through life pain-free.

Touchstone: A stone used to check the quality of gold alloys by rubbing them to leave a visible trace; a standard of comparison or evaluation. 

So . . . hmmm . . . that's a tough definition.  I guess that the point is to . . . hmmm . . . I don't know what the point is.  I think Bill misused the word touchstone.  I would have said pain is the price we must pay to progress spiritually.  Maybe I should send that suggestion in to our Central Office in NY to see if they want to rewrite the fucking 12&12 to my specifications.  I'm sure they'll do it.

"Someone who knew what he was talking about once remarked that pain was the touchstone of all spiritual progress."  12&12 P 93.

That would not have been me.  I would rather have a million dollars be my touchstone of all personal spiritual progress.  I promise that I'll be a good boy if you give me a million dollars.

"But if a willing start is made, then the great advantages of doing this will so quickly reveal themselves that the pain will be lessened as one obstacle after another melts away."  12&12 P 93.

OK, you better toss a Promise my way if you're going to insist that pain in my life is inevitable.

One of the ways the internet has made life easier for all of us is that whenever we have an ache or pain we can jump online and find out what horrible, incurable disease we've picked up.  Once we're sufficiently agitated, having dialed Nine - One on our phone, finger poised to hit that last One, eager to have an ambulance rush us to the hospital where a team of medical specialists can try to bring us back from the precipice, we've learned to go back and re-read the diagnosis, re-evaluate the symptoms.  We find that all is not lost.  We find we've overreacted.

I know with an injury or illness I teeter wildly between ignoring the symptoms and just powering through my day without changing my routine at all or I curl up into the fetal position, sucking my thumb, quivering with fear, certain that my situation falls into the Never-Always-Forever category.  If you break your leg don't go out for your daily run and if you have a slight twinge in your knee you're probably going to be just fine.

We talked this morning in our meeting about the Slow and Steady.  Do what's in front of you and trust in the outcome.  God's got this.  God's got a plan.  God isn't asking for suggestions.

Our Forerunners

The Six Steps of the Oxford Group

1.  A complete deflation.
2.  Dependence on God.
3.  A moral inventory.
4.  Confession.
5.  Restitution.
6.  Continued work with others in need.

These are the six precepts that guided the Oxford Group - a very religious group that many believe was instrumental to Bill W as he fleshed out our Program.  You have got to love Bill, though - six weren't good enough so he doubled down and made it an even dozen.

That is an informal AA slogan, after all - if one is good then a hundred is better.

Steps one, two, and three seem to be well represented but are compacted into two Oxford steps.  Steps four and five are identical: a moral inventory and confession.   Steps six and seven are completely blown off.  Eight and nine may sneak in under the guise of Restitution?  Steps ten and eleven vanish into the gloaming but step twelve is as advertised.

So our founders add some additional instructions about developing a relationship with a higher power in our first three steps and they expound on this in steps six and seven, finally concluding with more extensive information on a daily inventory and a spiritual prayer and meditation practice.

So  . . .  a little more instruction on developing a relationship with a god of our choosing . . .  a LOT more instruction, actually . . . and then a suggestion that we do a little more in the daily inventory department . . . a LOT more, actually . . . before concluding with a reminder that we need to be of service to others.  I do like the fact that in AA our twelfth step reminds us that we can best be of service when we remember that our spiritual awakening makes this service possible AND that we need to continue to strive to leave our inner assholes in the past by practicing these spiritual principles.

We had to come from somewhere.