Faith?

Faith:  Unquestioning belief; complete confidence or reliance: as, children usually have faith in their parents.


Once again I must admit that I CANNOT BELIEVE I have not looked up the definition of faith in almost 4 years of postings.  That tells you something about my interest in the positive.  I've looked up fear so many times that the page has crumbled into dust.


I don't believe that these mythical children who have faith in their parents turn out to be alcoholics.  We don't have faith in anything except, ironically, our own decision making abilities, which is the last thing we should have faith in giving our lousy track record of doing things and the dire consequences of our decisions.


My meditation this morning again drifted into reflection on how everything seems to work out as long as I keep kicking the can down the road.  My goal is to get up, brush my teeth, and start kicking the can.  I don't try to pulverize the can with the biggest kick ever in the history of mankind and I don't cower in fear that the can will begin to kick me back.  I'm pretty sure that the can would win any kicking contests where I'm the opponent.


If there's one thing I've learned in The Program it is to Keep the Faith.  No matter what I have had to go through the lesson is that it's all going to work out in the long run.  My problem is that I don't like the long run.  I don't like to run at all.

Moving

 If you want to be miserable try moving.  It’s a misery maker.  As a general rule I’m kind of a change junkie – the change itself makes me insane but I find it stimulating and strangely comforting to try new things – but moving is too much change all at once.  Anxiety attack kind of change.  And as far as my new place is concerned, I have been vigorously exercising my previously mentioned ability to uncover the fault in the faultless thing, to discover fault where no fault exists, to boldly go and find fault where no man has ever found fault ever before!  It’s also quite compelling for me to do this.

The guys that moved our possessions were all in The Program.  First of all and most importantly, they were professionals who did a great job.  If they had smashed up our stuff the extra benefits they brought along would have paled.  The thing SuperK and I really appreciated was the optimism and good humor they brought to their work.  They really helped make a stressful situation much less stressful.  I’ve moved many, many times and I can honestly say this was as close to pleasant as it has ever been.  They were complimentary about our new place and this made us feel good, even if they were lying.  Point out the good in the change, not the downside.    And we got to chat about The Program during breaks.  They made suggestions about furniture placement.  They didn’t approach this as an evil task that needed to be completed as soon as possible.  And they pointed out that we needed to get rid of some things because we no longer have the room – I appreciate this honesty, too.  If someone is complimentary all of the time then we call that lip service.  I want to know when I’m messing up.

I called the company owner the next day and tried to explain this.  I know that I have trouble sometimes understanding how to be of service to my fellow man during the routine parts of my life.  I wanted him to know that I really felt like the work he and his men did was in part service work, a spiritual thing.  I shared how great I felt when I got notes from my customers thanking me for my effort when I was making money selling them things.  I wasn’t in the category of Sleazy Salesman trying to make as much money as possible.  I felt like I was a technician trying to help someone solve a problem.  It was a very good feeling.  It made me see how important to my peace of mind and general well-being it is to simply do my best as I live my life.  I used to spend so much time thinking Big Thoughts about service that I didn’t notice how rude I was to the clerk at the Plaid Pantry.

I still had an anxiety attack my first night at home.  I’m getting better, not getting done.

Listen to My Own Advice

I spoke at meeting this week.  I was brilliant, of course.  That goes without saying.  Funny, warm, insightful, capable of solving all of the world’s problems with a wave of my magic wand.

And then I woke up, and I was still me.

Anyway, people were sharing about some of the stresses associated with the holiday season.  I've been through a number of holidays and I'm OK today with the whole deal.  I'm not suggesting that this peace of mind wasn't hard earned and slow to come but I no longer take the holidays that seriously.

"What did you get last year?" my sponsor asked me.  "You don't remember, do you?  Then how important was it?"

The jist of my share was that it's not that important.  By "that" I mean "anything."  It's going to be OK.  I don't even know what the topic is but I know it's going to be OK.  I realize this doesn't sound too profound but, man, is there any advice more appropriate to any situation than that?  In my case everything has worked out in the long run.  I just have to trust in the process even though the current moment might be uncomfortable.

I talk the talk but do I walk the walk?  We moved yesterday.  Everything went very well but a move is a move is a move; in a word: traumatic.  Today I try not to make unimportant things important and I also make sure that I don't pretend that stressful things aren't stressful.  I was lying in bed last night, hyperventilating, battling an anxiety attack, wondering where all of that insightful advice had gone.  I'm an alcoholic; I can find the problem in any situation.

Uh, it's going to be OK?

React.

I'm all over the place.


"Are you talking again?" said my sponsor, putting his arm around my shoulder in a reassuring fashion.  Either that or he was getting ready to break my neck, which I probably deserved at the time.  "Haven't I taught you anything? Do yourself a big favor and try not to talk today."


We pause when agitated.  In my case the advice is to pause when awake.  Then extend that pause for the rest of my life.  If I compare the number of times in my life when I shouldn't have said anything but did anyway to the number of times when I should have said something but didn't, the ratio is like a billion to one.  Still, my tendency is to REACT.  I know everything.  I know what's best for you and if you would only SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE then I could straighten you out.  Hang on a second while I get a pen and paper from the box I'm living in temporarily.


I knew a guy once who was homeless for a while.  He lived in a box in some woods near the river.  "I had a condo with a pool," he'd tell people.  I heard another guy share that he got kicked out of a detox center once wearing one tennis shoe.  Where the other one was he had not a clue.  He took off walking . .  in the winter. . . in the snow.  Somebody took pity on him and gave him a cowboy boot for his unshod foot.  His mood brightened and his resolve to stay sober melted in the summer sun.  "This isn't too bad," he thought, deciding to drink again.


During the holidays be careful not to let family and friends push your buttons.  Me, I'm all buttons.  Everything is a button.  I'm one huge red button marked with these instructions: "Push Here!"


It's just another day.  Everything is going to be OK.

Solution V. Problem

Problem:  Very difficult to train or discipline: as, a problem child.


There's a great AC/DC song called "Problem Child."  You really should listen to it.  Not only are the lyrics great it has a chord progression that will rattle your breastbone.


Anyway, I don't want to get distracted here with AC/DC.  God forbid I get rolling on Black Sabbath.  I'd never get anywhere if that happens.  The point is that I have a tendency to dwell in the problem.  I'm familiar with the problem.  I've spent a lot of time there and it's a weirdly comforting place for me to be.  I conjure problems out of thin air and then I try to weasel out of the consequences.  It never occurs to me until it's too late that maybe I could simply avoid problems or work on solutions that would prevent their existence or alleviate their intensity.


Solution:  The act, method, or process of solving a problem.


I believe that one of the great strengths of The Program is that it constantly forces me to circle back around to the the solution.  This is not someplace that I want to go.  My nature is to feint, prevaricate, and delay until the problem is avoided.  I love that meetings in The New City invariably start out with someone reading a section from one of our books.  That's where the solutions are found.


Let me give you an example.  Let's say SuperK is mad at me.  This is the problem.  This is a BIG problem.  If I choose to live in the problem then I'll deny that I've done anything wrong or I'll go on the offensive (the best defense is a BIG offense) and point out things that she has done wrong in the past, which is a not so clever way of avoiding the present.


I really don't need to hear other people share stories of arguments with their spouses.  Sometimes it's helpful over coffee or after a meeting because it helps me feel less isolated, but what I truly need is to hear some solution talk.  Acceptance.  Locating my part in the argument and then trying to correct that behavior.  Compassion for someone else who may be having a bad day. 


Yeah, that kind of stuff.

The Monsters Are Running Wild

Big change always makes me consider what a gift I have for accentuating the negative at the expense of the positive.  Positive thinking is for quitters.  It takes a real master of successful living to ferret the negative out of whatever situation is confronting me.  And I'm  not talking about seeing the negative when I have the flu or SuperK is yelling at me.  That's child play.  Any idiot can feel bad when things aren't going his way.  I'm talking about getting depressed because I'm going on vacation.  


There's not a situation that I can't make bad.  In my mind.  Where it's dark and gloomy and the monsters are running wild.

Checking In.

Checking in with the Minor Buddha this morning I heard this: "You can't make radical changes in the pattern of your life until you begin to see yourself exactly as you are now.  As soon as you do that, changes flow naturally."


Scholars agree that Buddhism got rolling in the 5th or 6th century, more or less.  B.C., that is; not A.D.  That would make Buddhism about . . . let's see . . . subtract the two, carry the sum of all of your defects plus any current resentments,  divide by Pi . . . well, that would make it really old.  Slightly older than The Program.  And what did I find in this ancient philosophy?  Until I do a searching and thorough personal inventory I don't have a very good chance of growing as a person.


I love how our literature is always trying to get the focus off of "them" and back to "me."  Keep looking inside.  Keep searching for the solution to all of my problems inside me.

Resentment

Resentment:  A feeling of displeasure and indignation, from a sense of being injured or offended.
(Ed. note: I cannot BELIEVE that I have never used this definition in one of my postings.  That is beyond belief).


Our Program suggests that we are powerless over people, places, and things.  It also suggests that there is nothing more injurious to our peace of mind and threatening to our sobriety than a good resentment, carefully prepared and well-seasoned, watered, weeded, and protected from wild animals with sturdy fencing.  If I spent ten percent of the time nurturing my gratitude as I do on my resentment building, I would be one $#!! grateful dude.


Regarding resentment toward "people," I say: "Duh."  People are the worst.  They get in my way.  They impede my progress.  They do it wrong, and this makes me mad, so I resent them.


Regarding resentment toward "things," I say: "Whuzzat?"  I'll have to think about that a bit.  I'm going to toss institutions in this category: the guvmint, the cops, employers, anyone with power over me, which I must by nature and nurture resent because they are doing it wrong, and this makes me mad, so I resent them.


Regarding resentment toward "places," I say: "Boy, do I have a resentment over a place right now and I'm having trouble shaking it."  When the place arises in pleasant conversation I accentuate the venomous immediately, surprising myself with the venom level.  That's messed up.  That's being resentful at the nature of something.  That's like being resentful that electrons get to circle the nucleus of the atom while the stupid protons and neutrons just get to hang out in one vibrating place.  Talk about something that is out of my control.  And the place generating this resentment is perfectly fine.  Almost everything that I resent is perfectly fine.

Action!

Action:  Behavior; habitual conduct.


I'm fascinated still with the difference between actions and intentions, between what I say and what I do.  "Talk is cheap," someone once said.  I think it was my sponsor.  


I'm a world class talker, a legendary intend-er.  I talk and talk and talk, then I go out and behave in a way that has little to do with what I've said.  Talk is cheap.  Talk is easy.  Behaving well is much more difficult than intending to behave well.  How do I behave?  What were my actions?  That's where the rubber hits the road.  I don't even believe half of the crap that comes out of my mouth.


I believe that this is why so many of us get frustrated with politicians and organized religion and other institutions.  We hear people -- important, powerful people --  say one thing and then behave in a way that is completely opposite.  It seems often to be hypocritical.  No one likes to be called out by someone who is not behaving very well, especially when they're criticizing you for something that they are doing themselves.  It's much the same as being lectured to about your drinking by someone who doesn't drink.


As Homer Simpson says: " I HATE to be called a liar.  Unless I'm lying or about to tell a lie or have just finished lying."  This is why The Program is so compelling.  We're not prodded to do what someone says.  We're encouraged to sit in the corner, with our coat pulled up to our ears and our mirrored shades on, and watch the behavior of our recovery mates.  We find someone who behaves in a way we find attractive and we talk to that person.  There are a lot of people who talk real purty in the rooms but don't back it up with good behavior.

Ho Ho Ho

I find that around the holidays I tend to be reflective about family, family matters, and family family family relationships.  Boy, is there a wide range of family dynamics out there.  I'm not sure that The Program is any better or any worse than the rest of the world when it comes to the family.  There are some wonderfully traditional families; there are some horribly dysfunctional families; and there are a lot of pretty typical families that alcoholics like to imagine are much worse than is really the case.   We tend toward hyperbole with everything.


I have lived a good chunk of my life away from my family and I often feel guilty about it.  This is not surprising: my family is masterful with guilt.  This is why I'm a egomaniac with an inferiority complex.  I never feel like I'm doing it right because the feedback I get is along the lines of: "You're not doing it right."  Nobody ever admits to this, of course, or actually says this.  They prefer silences and meaningful sighs and back channel gossip and all other manner of passive aggressive behavior.  The consequence is that I don't miss these people all that much.  It's easier to live a long, long way away from them.


I feel guilty about this.


I have been soliciting feedback from my non-alcoholic friends who chose to move away from their family of origin.  Nobody seems to be very guilty about it.  Some people don't see their families very often at all.  Herr Luber told me that he was expected to go out and make his own way in the world.  I'm not under the impression that the people I'm talking to have relationships that aren't good, either.  


I have not made the slightest effort to return home for the holidays.  I'm not interested in doing it at all.  It would be more painful than not going home.  Now, if I try to maintain some balance in my life -- an impossibly daunting task for an All or Nothing guy like me -- I should point out that no one has made an effort to come visit me.  I don't even ask because the possibility of that happening is non-existent.  I'm expected to inconvenience myself but that's as far as it goes.  


I would get a meaningful sigh.

Do Not Jab Your Eye With a Sharp Stick

I took a phone call yesterday from a friend who is a little conflicted about his behavior.  I personally wasn't conflicted at all with his behavior.  I thought immediately that what he was doing was out of line but I kept my mouth shut, a surprising turn of events all by itself.  I try to remember how I was treated when I was getting started -- how I'm treated today -- and I managed to work up the courage to bring up a matter for discussion.  By and large, I didn't get any "You idiot!" or "You're wrong!" pronouncements.   Instead, I got peppered with questions that helped me explore the issue from all angles so that I could see for myself what I needed to do.  Once, I asked my sponsor for an answer on a delicate matter and he laughed in my face.  "No sir, I'm not going to take any crap from you if this doesn't work out the way you want it to, " he said.  


We help each other investigate things so that we can make good decisions on our own.  A big part of this is that some of these matters are very complicated and frankly, we don't know what we're supposed to do.  Another big part is that we haven't done a very good job of running our own lives so we don't think we should try to run anyone else's.  It's bad enough when I screw things up personally, affecting people close to me; it's another thing altogether when I attempt to screw someone else's life up.  I keep my advice to simple matters; "Don't stick your hand in that running machine" and "look before you cross the street," stuff like that.


That being said I also tell people what I think.  I stress that what I think is my opinion and nothing more, and is not advice that needs to be followed or is even any good.  Nonetheless, all of us have some good ideas.  I know I've learned things from smarter people by listening to their advice on matters on which they may have more experience or wisdom than I do, which is almost every matter known to man.


Oh, yeah, don't pour gasoline on fire, either.  I'm comfortable with that advice.

It's Not Them.

The chairwoman for this morning's meeting (SuperK, by the way, who did a super, super, super job) read a couple of paragraphs from Step 8.  She then shared a short anecdote that showed how she had to apply the principles found in the Step to The Real World.  I find the Real World to be such a drag most of the time.  It's not as much fun as Steve's FantasyLand, which is where I've spent much of my life, daydreaming my time away.  Rock star.  Romantic legend.  Sports icon.  That's me.


I'm always flabbergasted when I see that each Step revolves around the idea that I need to focus on taking care of my own business.  This Program makes me come back over and over again to the idea that the problem is me; hence, the solution is me.


When I spoke I had to trot out my favorite old EdRom anecdote.  A friend of his would call his sponsor, who recognized the number on his caller ID.  He would answer the phone by saying: "It's not them.  It's you."  Then he would hang up.


That's pretty good advice for me.

Whole Lotta Horseface

Compromise:   A settlement in which each side gives up some demands or makes concessions.


SuperK and I have been looking for a more permanent residence since our midnight arrival in The New City.  The New City is a lot more expensive than The Old City.  There are some reasons for that but the problem is that I don't want it to be more expensive.  I want it to be LESS expensive but that's not working out very well for me at the moment.  There are some other compromises that I could consider but I'm not very good at compromising unless the definition of compromise is "to get exactly what I want when I want it" which it clearly is not.  In fact, I believe the real definition makes some reference to "giving up."


Everything always comes back to powerlessness and ceding control.


Anyway, our options were to move further away from the downtown area to where rental properties are less expensive or to move closer to the downtown area and rent something with less space.  Under some duress, we decided to go with the less space option.  The problem with this is that there is going to be a whole lot of SuperK and a whole HELL of a lot of Horseface in one pretty small place.  This is the only drawback, really, so it's the thing I'm going to concentrate on.  I never let a good problem go to waste even if it's only a potential problem.  There isn't anything that I can't work up into a good problem.  I'm quite good at this task.


SuperK and I have been married for a couple of centuries so we've worked out a lot of the niggling issues that sink relationships.  Also, we don't have children.  Couples without children don't have much of a buffer in their relationship so they typically have to make allowances for the other person or sink beneath the waves.  Kids are compelling that way, drawing a lot of attention, which can be a blessing and a curse.  With the emotional stress and physical demands of the move beginning to take their toll we're doing a little sniping at each other.  Not awful sniping but sniping nonetheless.  While this is to be expected it will also bear some watching.  When emotions are closer to the surface a little extra maintenance is a good thing.


Whole lotta Horseface.

Forever and Ever

Forever:  For eternity; for always; endlessly.


The Minor Buddha has this to say: "We get stuck in the 'if only' syndrome.  If only I had more money, then I would be happy.  If only I could find somebody who would really love me, if only I could lose 20 pounds, if only I had a color TV, a Jacuzzi, and curly hair, and on and on forever."  


On and on and on forever and ever and ever.


My sponsor whacks my graying head frequently with the "This Too Shall Pass" bromide, with a thump.  When times are good, when times are bad, and even when I'm just bored he reminds me that the feelings are going to pass.


I do well to remember that it's not the stuff or the money or the relationships, it's how I crave them and hang on to them at all costs.  It's OK to have these things as long as I don't pursue them ferociously.  And when I manage to get a few of them I'm happier when I hold on to them loosely.


Curly hair?  Really?

Productive

Productive:  Producing abundantly; fertile.


So the frustrating thing about the Quiet Time is that it doesn't seem to be especially productive.  I don't feel like I'm getting anything done.  I'm not going anywhere; I'm not checking tasks off a master list; I'm not moving about forcefully and with great purpose.  I'm JUST SITTING THERE with my eyes closed listening to my %#!! breath.


I'm all about getting something productive done.  When someone asks: "What did you do today?" I feel like I should have a weighty list of impressive accomplishments.  "Sat down for a while in a quiet place, with my eyes closed, and tried to listen to my breath," doesn't sound impressive, weighty, or accomplished.


Compulsion:  In psychopathology, an irresistible impulse to perform some irrational act.  Good word: psychopathology.  It combines psycho, which is how people used to describe me and my behavior, and pathology, a sickness of some kind.  Literally, a sickness of the mind.


It's OK to be productive and it's OK to sit and watch Oklahoma - Oklahoma State play a football game, even if you don't particularly like football and couldn't locate Oklahoma on a map of the United States and have no interest in who wins the game, even though everyone hates Oklahoma.


The idea is to be somewhat productive most of the time, not completely productive all of the time.

Shhh.

Quiet:  Still; calm; motionless.


I have always had a Quiet Time in the morning.  By "quiet" I mean "in a quiet location," not "my mind is quiet."  I try.  I put the time in.  I give it a shot.  I seem to feel better as time marches on even when the actual practice sessions don't seem too fruitful.


I used to mostly pray and meditate a little.  I've reversed the percentages over the years because my praying has been suspect.  I pray at god; I pray that I may get what I want or avoid what I would like to avoid; I pray that others may be helped as I believe they should be helped.  My prayers are always answered although I don't always like what the answer is.


Today I pray for a couple of simple things.


I pray that I be the best son, brother, and husband that I can be.  This isn't always easy or intuitive.  I have some irritating relatives who don't do it right but I've learned that doesn't have anything to do with me.  Me has a lot to do with me, and that's about it.


I pray that I may be of maximum service in the world, to my fellows.  I try to be open about exactly what this service entails.  I like to help people according to my own designs.  I like to help AT people, not FOR them.
"Here," I say.  "Let me help you with that," offering help that isn't wanted or isn't appropriate for the situation.


That's good enough for me.