There's this little contingent in our local AA scene who prefers the word "recovered" to "recovering." Their point seems to be that implying that one's alcoholism is an active, ongoing concern is a lousy message to send to new people who might think: "What's the use if I never get cured?" Personally I don't give a shit what these people say. Personally, I'm never going to fool around with the idea that drinking again is an impossibility. Unlikely, yes, but not impossible. A well-stocked liquor store is a short drive away. I just don't see the point of getting sucked into a semantic maze of circular logic.
I think it was Dr. Bob who said something along the lines of "If I keep doing what I've been doing I don't believe I'll ever have to take another drink."
That I like. That I can live with.
Sunday, November 10, 2019
Saturday, November 2, 2019
In The Moment
Moving into the future, calmly and slowly, or at least as calmly and slowly as I can. This means I'm moving at about 80 MPH. This is still fast by most standards but it's a lot slower than 145 MPH. My inclination is still to mash down on the accelerator. Fast is better than slow. Fast is always better than slow.
I have enough; I am enough; I do enough.
Happiness is living in the moment.
I have enough; I am enough; I do enough.
Happiness is living in the moment.
Friday, November 1, 2019
Came To Believe
A phrase I like: "Came. Came to. Came to believe." Nice and steady, nice and slow.
And another: "We get better physically, then mentally, then emotionally, then spiritually."
One of the guys I've enjoyed watching progress in his recovery from Day One spoke at the meeting this morning. He took his girlfriend and her three little girls out trick or treating last night. He was driving down a residential street with the four of them when someone on the sidewalk yelled at him to slow down. He didn't think he was speeding, of course. We're NEVER speeding. We're the best fucking drivers in the world.
He stopped his car, opened the window, and said: "You're right. I'm sorry about that" and then drove off. Twenty five yards down the road he called her a bad name, a very bad name. A couple of years ago he regaled me with a story about taking such offense at someone who honked at him that he followed the driver for a while, making himself late for the meeting in the process. I have teased him unmercifully about driving ever since so today I made sure I told him that his behavior showed a lot of growth.
"I swore at this woman," he protested.
"I don't care," I said. "Maybe later, maybe not so long, you won't do that, either. You'll just think venomous thoughts while keeping your mouth shut. One step at a time."
I really learned a lot this morning.
And another: "We get better physically, then mentally, then emotionally, then spiritually."
One of the guys I've enjoyed watching progress in his recovery from Day One spoke at the meeting this morning. He took his girlfriend and her three little girls out trick or treating last night. He was driving down a residential street with the four of them when someone on the sidewalk yelled at him to slow down. He didn't think he was speeding, of course. We're NEVER speeding. We're the best fucking drivers in the world.
He stopped his car, opened the window, and said: "You're right. I'm sorry about that" and then drove off. Twenty five yards down the road he called her a bad name, a very bad name. A couple of years ago he regaled me with a story about taking such offense at someone who honked at him that he followed the driver for a while, making himself late for the meeting in the process. I have teased him unmercifully about driving ever since so today I made sure I told him that his behavior showed a lot of growth.
"I swore at this woman," he protested.
"I don't care," I said. "Maybe later, maybe not so long, you won't do that, either. You'll just think venomous thoughts while keeping your mouth shut. One step at a time."
I really learned a lot this morning.
Sunday, October 27, 2019
Meditate, Positively
"He is told that the chair and the floor are holding him up and that there is no need for him to make any effort whatsoever. He need not even keep perfectly quiet if it is difficult for him to do so. If other ideas that those he is being given enter his mind, he is warned not to try to resist them but to let them come into his field of thought and then quietly pass out again."
"The negative thoughts must be stopped, but the subject must not be repressed or even dropped from consciousness until it has been pursued to its logical conclusion with as many positive thoughts as possible.
Negative thoughts given the chance, arise all too swiftly. For emphasis I repeat: it is of supreme importance that positive thinking be employed whenever the subject comes up . . . . "
"If other ideas than those he is being given enter his mind, he is warned not to try to resist them but to let them come into his field of thought and then quietly pass out of it again."
Lots of good stuff here on meditation and psychological tricks and techniques so that your thinking won't be so . . . well . . . fucked up. These passages are not from our founders and they are not from any religious or spiritual organization. Just goes to show you that there is a lot of good stuff out there. We have some of the answers for some of the people but that's about it.
"The negative thoughts must be stopped, but the subject must not be repressed or even dropped from consciousness until it has been pursued to its logical conclusion with as many positive thoughts as possible.
Negative thoughts given the chance, arise all too swiftly. For emphasis I repeat: it is of supreme importance that positive thinking be employed whenever the subject comes up . . . . "
"If other ideas than those he is being given enter his mind, he is warned not to try to resist them but to let them come into his field of thought and then quietly pass out of it again."
Lots of good stuff here on meditation and psychological tricks and techniques so that your thinking won't be so . . . well . . . fucked up. These passages are not from our founders and they are not from any religious or spiritual organization. Just goes to show you that there is a lot of good stuff out there. We have some of the answers for some of the people but that's about it.
Thursday, October 24, 2019
Thanks for the Call Yesterday
The telephone! I can't tell you how important the telephone was for me when I was getting sober. In fact, for most of my sobriety it has been very important. Like most alcoholics I lived an isolated life emotionally, keeping things inside, thinking about them and thinking and thinking and thinking. So it really helped to be able to talk to someone every day. And not just at meetings, as important as they are to me, but with one person for a more extended period of time. It's harder to bullshit someone when you talk one-on-one for 15 minutes or so. I can do it, no doubt, but it's harder. I have also learned not to put too much significance on every call. I don't have to have some big issue to discuss when I picked up the phone. Often I'll shoot the shit with someone for a bit and he'll ask: "So everything going OK?" and if it was, we'd ring off. The point was that when I needed to talk to someone I had that muscle memory of picking up the phone.
This is not the case so much any more. People don't generally use the phone to . . . you know . . . talk to people, preferring texting where one can hide behind bland, vague words decorated with clever little emojis. Oh, well, so be it. We all get older, right? I don't ever want to be one of those old guys who is constantly telling everyone how much better it was in the day. "When I was getting sober we didn't have coffee - we just took a mouthful of Sanka crystals and we chewed on those, and we liked it, goddammit." That kind of stuff.
A few years ago a colleague asked me to be his sponsor and then promptly, with alacrity, never called me, not once, not ever. I rang him up a couple of times - to grease the lines of communication - but he didn't ring me back, not once, not ever. As an ex-salesman who did not receive return phone calls like 47 million times this is one of the things I DO NOT tolerate in The Program. I'm not mad about it - I get it why millions of people wouldn't want to talk to me - but I don't put up with it. I delete the contact from my phone and I move on, with absolutely no feelings of ill will. If you don't want to talk to me on the phone I absolutely respect that.
I received a surprising call from him a few weeks ago. When we spoke I could tell he had a lot of things going on that were upsetting - a rapidly accelerating engagement, health issues, and the like. So I decided that - since he really seemed to need to talk - that I'd pick up the phone and try to reignite the relationship. I called and he didn't call back. D'oh! I felt a little like Charlie Brown whiffing on the football kick.
The next day he walked past me on the way into the meeting.
"Thanks for the call yesterday," he said, cheerily.
I kept a straight face. He is under the impression that a phone call is one-sided. He's 70. He's not going to change.
Then, today, at the meeting, he raised his hand during a business-related conversation about updating our phone list.
"I just wanted to say that if you call me and don't leave your name, then I'm not calling back," he proclaimed.
I almost laughed out loud. I almost pointed out that he isn't going to call you back if you leave your name, either, but I'm firmly against cross talk.
Delete.
This is not the case so much any more. People don't generally use the phone to . . . you know . . . talk to people, preferring texting where one can hide behind bland, vague words decorated with clever little emojis. Oh, well, so be it. We all get older, right? I don't ever want to be one of those old guys who is constantly telling everyone how much better it was in the day. "When I was getting sober we didn't have coffee - we just took a mouthful of Sanka crystals and we chewed on those, and we liked it, goddammit." That kind of stuff.
A few years ago a colleague asked me to be his sponsor and then promptly, with alacrity, never called me, not once, not ever. I rang him up a couple of times - to grease the lines of communication - but he didn't ring me back, not once, not ever. As an ex-salesman who did not receive return phone calls like 47 million times this is one of the things I DO NOT tolerate in The Program. I'm not mad about it - I get it why millions of people wouldn't want to talk to me - but I don't put up with it. I delete the contact from my phone and I move on, with absolutely no feelings of ill will. If you don't want to talk to me on the phone I absolutely respect that.
I received a surprising call from him a few weeks ago. When we spoke I could tell he had a lot of things going on that were upsetting - a rapidly accelerating engagement, health issues, and the like. So I decided that - since he really seemed to need to talk - that I'd pick up the phone and try to reignite the relationship. I called and he didn't call back. D'oh! I felt a little like Charlie Brown whiffing on the football kick.
The next day he walked past me on the way into the meeting.
"Thanks for the call yesterday," he said, cheerily.
I kept a straight face. He is under the impression that a phone call is one-sided. He's 70. He's not going to change.
Then, today, at the meeting, he raised his hand during a business-related conversation about updating our phone list.
"I just wanted to say that if you call me and don't leave your name, then I'm not calling back," he proclaimed.
I almost laughed out loud. I almost pointed out that he isn't going to call you back if you leave your name, either, but I'm firmly against cross talk.
Delete.
Tuesday, October 22, 2019
Peabody
"Halfway measures are of no avail."
"There is no wand to wave over his head wafting away by magic his undesirable habits."
"But the minute a man seeks to reform for somebody else, no matter how deeply he may care for the other person, he is headed for failure in the long run."
"It would seem as if destitution would act as a powerful deterrent to alcoholism, but, as is well known, the reverse is only too often the case when unstable personalities are involved. However, the rich and poor alike cannot await the ideal moment for taking up treatment, since it would doubtless never come. Many of the reasons why the present is unbearable for the alcoholic are derived directly from his drinking and will only be intensified by it continuance."
"There is no wand to wave over his head wafting away by magic his undesirable habits."
"But the minute a man seeks to reform for somebody else, no matter how deeply he may care for the other person, he is headed for failure in the long run."
"It would seem as if destitution would act as a powerful deterrent to alcoholism, but, as is well known, the reverse is only too often the case when unstable personalities are involved. However, the rich and poor alike cannot await the ideal moment for taking up treatment, since it would doubtless never come. Many of the reasons why the present is unbearable for the alcoholic are derived directly from his drinking and will only be intensified by it continuance."
Sunday, October 20, 2019
Jam-Booda
Contentment: Happiness in one's own situation.
At the beginning of life is birth, during which we suffer, and at the end of our life is death, during which we also suffer. Between these two come aging and illness. No matter how wealthy you are or how physically fit you are, you have to suffer through these circumstances.
THIS is not good news for me. I do not like to suffer. I do not care where in the arc of my life the suffering occurs. It is an unwelcome sensation. I'm still sure that there is a loophole in there somewhere and I mean to find it.
On top of this comes discontentment. You want more and more and more. This, in a sense, is real poverty - always to be hungry, hungry, hungry with no time to be satisfied. Others might not be rich, but contentment provides them with fewer worries, fewer enemies, fewer problems, and very good sleep.
More: In greater quantity, amount, or proportion.
I need more. I don't have enough. What I have might run out and you have more than I have, anyway, which isn't fair. Once I get enough then I'll be happy.
At the beginning of life is birth, during which we suffer, and at the end of our life is death, during which we also suffer. Between these two come aging and illness. No matter how wealthy you are or how physically fit you are, you have to suffer through these circumstances.
THIS is not good news for me. I do not like to suffer. I do not care where in the arc of my life the suffering occurs. It is an unwelcome sensation. I'm still sure that there is a loophole in there somewhere and I mean to find it.
On top of this comes discontentment. You want more and more and more. This, in a sense, is real poverty - always to be hungry, hungry, hungry with no time to be satisfied. Others might not be rich, but contentment provides them with fewer worries, fewer enemies, fewer problems, and very good sleep.
More: In greater quantity, amount, or proportion.
I need more. I don't have enough. What I have might run out and you have more than I have, anyway, which isn't fair. Once I get enough then I'll be happy.
Saturday, October 19, 2019
I Like The Effect
"That alcohol is no real solution to nervous tension is shown when drinking is carried to its extreme limit. But, whatever the final results may be, the initial effects are so satisfactory that the individual is tempted to seek this method over and over again for want of a better one, with full realization of the eventual suffering that he must endure." Richard Peabody 1930
"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drink." Dr. Wm Silkworth in The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous 1934
Don't tell me that our Program didn't get any help from people that came before.
"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drink." Dr. Wm Silkworth in The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous 1934
Don't tell me that our Program didn't get any help from people that came before.
Don't tell me that the problem is anything but a chase to feel good, to feel better.
I didn't feel good, I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. Then I drank and I felt better.
A. B. C. Easy as one, two, three. Or simple as Doe Ray Me.
Friday, October 18, 2019
What's the Point?
Sometimes you just get on a roll with people . . . .
I bought a pair of glasses and a couple of boxes of contacts from the Costco optical department. (Fair disclosure: I fucking love Costco). I drove to the store a few days ago to pick up both orders. I drove down to the store specifically to pick them up. There was no other reason for me to go to the store. I did not want to go to the store. I wanted to do something else. This was a special trip to get my optical goods.
When I arrived I took a little number from one of those little number dispensing devices (Fair disclosure: I fucking hate those little number dispensing devices, preferring to wade into the crowd, swinging my elbows, and get served first) and saw that there were about ten people in line before me. So I shopped and bought some crap I didn't really need, checked out, took my purchases to the car, and returned to the optical department where the little device told me that there were still about ten people ahead of me. So I went home. Didn't feel like waiting. No big deal.
Today I made a special trip back down to Costco and found that the situation hadn't changed. In fact, it looked to me like some of the people who were waiting a few days ago were still there. I asked one of the optical people if I had to take a little number if I was just picking up an order.
"Contacts or glasses?"
Both.
"You can get the contacts, but not the glasses because we have to fit them for you."
OK. How long do you think the wait is?
The kid looked at the line and then back at me. He appeared to be trying to come up with a figure, a rosy figure, which still would have been a lie. I know - I'm a liar so I can tell when someone is getting ready to lie. It would have been a kind, optimistic lie, but a lie nonetheless.
A colleague behind him said: "It's going to be a while." I wasn't sure why she was butting in but . . .
OK. Can I get the contacts then?
As the kid was getting the contacts out I said: I'll tell you what - can you give me both orders now and I'll come back and get the glasses fitted later, when you aren't so busy? (Fair disclosure: I don't think I added "when you aren't so busy" but it makes me sound better . . . in retrospect).
The woman chimes in with: "Sir, there are ten people in line before you."
I'm not trying to cut in line. I'd just like to pick my order up.
At this point I didn't know why she was talking to me at all, let alone in this confrontational tone. I'm really a very low-key person, relaxed in demeanor and friendly, and I wasn't trying to get special treatment. If I need a little number to pick up my order, fine, tell me that. If I don't need a little number how about giving me my fucking stuff and I'll get out of your hair?
She came over and told the kid to give me the order and make a notation on the paperwork that I hadn't gotten them fitted.
I wasn't trying to cut in line.
"Sir, that's not the point. But you're all taken care of haveaniceday."
I mean what the fuck is going on right now?
I bought a pair of glasses and a couple of boxes of contacts from the Costco optical department. (Fair disclosure: I fucking love Costco). I drove to the store a few days ago to pick up both orders. I drove down to the store specifically to pick them up. There was no other reason for me to go to the store. I did not want to go to the store. I wanted to do something else. This was a special trip to get my optical goods.
When I arrived I took a little number from one of those little number dispensing devices (Fair disclosure: I fucking hate those little number dispensing devices, preferring to wade into the crowd, swinging my elbows, and get served first) and saw that there were about ten people in line before me. So I shopped and bought some crap I didn't really need, checked out, took my purchases to the car, and returned to the optical department where the little device told me that there were still about ten people ahead of me. So I went home. Didn't feel like waiting. No big deal.
Today I made a special trip back down to Costco and found that the situation hadn't changed. In fact, it looked to me like some of the people who were waiting a few days ago were still there. I asked one of the optical people if I had to take a little number if I was just picking up an order.
"Contacts or glasses?"
Both.
"You can get the contacts, but not the glasses because we have to fit them for you."
OK. How long do you think the wait is?
The kid looked at the line and then back at me. He appeared to be trying to come up with a figure, a rosy figure, which still would have been a lie. I know - I'm a liar so I can tell when someone is getting ready to lie. It would have been a kind, optimistic lie, but a lie nonetheless.
A colleague behind him said: "It's going to be a while." I wasn't sure why she was butting in but . . .
OK. Can I get the contacts then?
As the kid was getting the contacts out I said: I'll tell you what - can you give me both orders now and I'll come back and get the glasses fitted later, when you aren't so busy? (Fair disclosure: I don't think I added "when you aren't so busy" but it makes me sound better . . . in retrospect).
The woman chimes in with: "Sir, there are ten people in line before you."
I'm not trying to cut in line. I'd just like to pick my order up.
At this point I didn't know why she was talking to me at all, let alone in this confrontational tone. I'm really a very low-key person, relaxed in demeanor and friendly, and I wasn't trying to get special treatment. If I need a little number to pick up my order, fine, tell me that. If I don't need a little number how about giving me my fucking stuff and I'll get out of your hair?
She came over and told the kid to give me the order and make a notation on the paperwork that I hadn't gotten them fitted.
I wasn't trying to cut in line.
"Sir, that's not the point. But you're all taken care of haveaniceday."
I mean what the fuck is going on right now?
Thursday, October 17, 2019
Bump and Grind
Grind: To move with much difficulty or friction.
My first couple of years of sobriety was a grind, more or less. It was an example of constant, sustained effort. I don't want to suggest that I was miserable and unhappy - although I was that, indeed, from time to time - or that things weren't improving . . . just that my initial reactions to things weren't positive very often. I overreacted to minor offenses and episodes and I tossed any sense of gratitude under the bus more often than not.
The arc of sobriety is long but it bends toward justice. Martin Luther Seaweed
"Habit of thought is more important than will."
Ah, yes, the fallacy of willpower. It gets me far but it only gets me so far and it didn't get me far enough with alcohol and drugs.
My first couple of years of sobriety was a grind, more or less. It was an example of constant, sustained effort. I don't want to suggest that I was miserable and unhappy - although I was that, indeed, from time to time - or that things weren't improving . . . just that my initial reactions to things weren't positive very often. I overreacted to minor offenses and episodes and I tossed any sense of gratitude under the bus more often than not.
The arc of sobriety is long but it bends toward justice. Martin Luther Seaweed
"Habit of thought is more important than will."
Ah, yes, the fallacy of willpower. It gets me far but it only gets me so far and it didn't get me far enough with alcohol and drugs.
Tuesday, October 15, 2019
This and That
My goal in interpersonal relationships is to never say anything about a person that I wouldn't say without that person being right in front of me. That being said I think that all of us need to blow off steam to our sponsors or a few trusted friends. I get frustrated with people sometimes, fully aware that the problem centers in myself and not in the other person. Still, we all need to do some harmless, private ranting and raving from time to time. It cleans the gunk out of the carburetor.
Happy people make me uncomfortable. Go be happy elsewhere. Please don't bubble, gush, or make joyous proclamations around me. I'm not in the mood. Content people I'm OK with. It's possible to be content and sullen at the same time. This appeals to my dark interior.
I think you're ready to get sober or you aren't. We have very little success convincing people that it's time to get sober.
A.A. is great but it isn't necessarily the answer for everyone. If you don't like the spiritual angle or the "suggestions" or the group-think, cool, go somewhere else, find some other path. Seriously. All we want is for people to get sober, not to get sober using our prescribed methods which - objectively - are flawed. We don't have a rip-roaring success rate.
Happy people make me uncomfortable. Go be happy elsewhere. Please don't bubble, gush, or make joyous proclamations around me. I'm not in the mood. Content people I'm OK with. It's possible to be content and sullen at the same time. This appeals to my dark interior.
I think you're ready to get sober or you aren't. We have very little success convincing people that it's time to get sober.
A.A. is great but it isn't necessarily the answer for everyone. If you don't like the spiritual angle or the "suggestions" or the group-think, cool, go somewhere else, find some other path. Seriously. All we want is for people to get sober, not to get sober using our prescribed methods which - objectively - are flawed. We don't have a rip-roaring success rate.
Monday, October 14, 2019
The Kerfuffle Meeting
Apparently I'm drawing some weird energy towards my little 12 Step meeting. It probably doesn't have anything to do to me, actually, even though I'm sure it's all . . . about me.
Last week one of the women members asked to speak to me privately. She complained mightily about the other guy that attends the meeting, suggesting that he behaved in an inappropriate way towards her. She told him that she was going to share this with the other men at the meeting as a means of protecting herself. I'm the only other man who attends regularly so she clearly wasn't being too subtle.
I like this person but I'm a little on the fence about her emotional sobriety. She's somewhat volatile, mildly confrontational about things. I speak my mind, too, but try to use some diplomacy when I'm discussing anything edgy or controversial. I want to helpful and I'm not helpful when I'm combative or insensitive.
I had plans to call this guy - whose story I tend to believe, to be honest about it - but hadn't gotten around to it when I heard from this woman's sponsor that he had texted her asking if her sponsee was trying to get him kicked out of the meeting. I've known him for a few years and never had one thought of him as a sexist, macho dude. I would have put him in the Safe Guy category.
So I ring him up. I spoke carefully for a moment because I don't want to discount anything anyone says, especially when I'm only getting one side of a story that involves two people. Or I'm hearing about a situation anecdotally from a third party. I'm not going to toss anyone under any bus
Boy, that did not work out well for me at all. He was having none of it, none of anything. He became quite angry. He interrupted, he disagreed, he confronted. I did not diffuse the situation when I explained that I was calling to offer my support, to stress that I make my own determinations of people all by myself and not as a result of what someone else says or doesn't say. No dice. "There is no side here," he kept saying. I never did get to point out that when one person says one thing and another person says something else that is the polar opposite that there certainly is a side.
I am rarely at a loss for words. All of my public speaking, sometimes in oppositional sales situations, has made me pretty and calm and deliberate, even in volatile situations. This dude came at me, and forcefully. I could have defended myself but the idea of the call wasn't to make things fucking worse it was to make them better , to diffuse a situation before it spiraled out of control.
I'm aware that when I stick my nose into someone else's business, unbidden, that I risk bloodletting. So be it. I don't do this randomly and without forethought so I'm not going to stop doing it. I can handle the occasional bloody nose.
My motives? Good. The results? Sheesh.
Last week one of the women members asked to speak to me privately. She complained mightily about the other guy that attends the meeting, suggesting that he behaved in an inappropriate way towards her. She told him that she was going to share this with the other men at the meeting as a means of protecting herself. I'm the only other man who attends regularly so she clearly wasn't being too subtle.
I like this person but I'm a little on the fence about her emotional sobriety. She's somewhat volatile, mildly confrontational about things. I speak my mind, too, but try to use some diplomacy when I'm discussing anything edgy or controversial. I want to helpful and I'm not helpful when I'm combative or insensitive.
I had plans to call this guy - whose story I tend to believe, to be honest about it - but hadn't gotten around to it when I heard from this woman's sponsor that he had texted her asking if her sponsee was trying to get him kicked out of the meeting. I've known him for a few years and never had one thought of him as a sexist, macho dude. I would have put him in the Safe Guy category.
So I ring him up. I spoke carefully for a moment because I don't want to discount anything anyone says, especially when I'm only getting one side of a story that involves two people. Or I'm hearing about a situation anecdotally from a third party. I'm not going to toss anyone under any bus
Boy, that did not work out well for me at all. He was having none of it, none of anything. He became quite angry. He interrupted, he disagreed, he confronted. I did not diffuse the situation when I explained that I was calling to offer my support, to stress that I make my own determinations of people all by myself and not as a result of what someone else says or doesn't say. No dice. "There is no side here," he kept saying. I never did get to point out that when one person says one thing and another person says something else that is the polar opposite that there certainly is a side.
I am rarely at a loss for words. All of my public speaking, sometimes in oppositional sales situations, has made me pretty and calm and deliberate, even in volatile situations. This dude came at me, and forcefully. I could have defended myself but the idea of the call wasn't to make things fucking worse it was to make them better , to diffuse a situation before it spiraled out of control.
I'm aware that when I stick my nose into someone else's business, unbidden, that I risk bloodletting. So be it. I don't do this randomly and without forethought so I'm not going to stop doing it. I can handle the occasional bloody nose.
My motives? Good. The results? Sheesh.
Friday, October 11, 2019
What I Got
From: "Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind" by Yuval Noah Harari . . .
"We moderns have an arsenal of tranquilizers and painkillers at our disposal, but our expectations of ease and pleasure, and our intolerance of inconvenience and discomfort, have increased to such an extent that we may well suffer from pain more than our ancestors ever did."
I need to remember this the next time I think that things used to be better than they are now. Things are fine right now. Things were different before, that's all. This here today is what I've got. What I don't got is what I used to have.
They say that money don't buy everything,
But what it can't buy I don't need,
I need . . . money,
That's what I need.
"We moderns have an arsenal of tranquilizers and painkillers at our disposal, but our expectations of ease and pleasure, and our intolerance of inconvenience and discomfort, have increased to such an extent that we may well suffer from pain more than our ancestors ever did."
I need to remember this the next time I think that things used to be better than they are now. Things are fine right now. Things were different before, that's all. This here today is what I've got. What I don't got is what I used to have.
They say that money don't buy everything,
But what it can't buy I don't need,
I need . . . money,
That's what I need.
Thursday, October 10, 2019
I Promise You This . . .
"We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness."
Freedom: The state of not being imprisoned or enslaved.
So I've always liked the idea of wearing the world like a loose garment. This is an image that makes sense to me - being engaged with life but not trying to control it. Floating down the creek. Paddling, sure, but following the course of the stream. I was always turning the canoe around and trying to shoot the rapids in reverse. Shooting the rapids while heading downstream isn't always the best idea but I was the guy trying to will my canoe over large rocks and waterfalls while paddling furiously in the wrong direction. Now I try to see where the river is going. I'm present but only moderately in charge.
This is my freedom.
Happy: Having a feeling arising from a consciousness of well-being or of enjoyment; enjoying good of any kind, such as comfort, peace, or tranquility.
I used to put a lot of pressure on myself to be happy. In my mind's eye being happy meant having fun. Sometimes it meant not experiencing pain. In never crossed my mind that happiness was a peaceful feeling of well-being. I was looking for exciting happy, not tranquil happy. I wanted to be the dude having a fucking great time, not the dude sitting quietly, contentedly.
Content: Satisfied.
Satisfied. Not euphoric. Satisfied. I know, I know, it sounds boring but it works surprisingly well.
Freedom: The state of not being imprisoned or enslaved.
So I've always liked the idea of wearing the world like a loose garment. This is an image that makes sense to me - being engaged with life but not trying to control it. Floating down the creek. Paddling, sure, but following the course of the stream. I was always turning the canoe around and trying to shoot the rapids in reverse. Shooting the rapids while heading downstream isn't always the best idea but I was the guy trying to will my canoe over large rocks and waterfalls while paddling furiously in the wrong direction. Now I try to see where the river is going. I'm present but only moderately in charge.
This is my freedom.
Happy: Having a feeling arising from a consciousness of well-being or of enjoyment; enjoying good of any kind, such as comfort, peace, or tranquility.
I used to put a lot of pressure on myself to be happy. In my mind's eye being happy meant having fun. Sometimes it meant not experiencing pain. In never crossed my mind that happiness was a peaceful feeling of well-being. I was looking for exciting happy, not tranquil happy. I wanted to be the dude having a fucking great time, not the dude sitting quietly, contentedly.
Content: Satisfied.
Satisfied. Not euphoric. Satisfied. I know, I know, it sounds boring but it works surprisingly well.
Wednesday, October 9, 2019
Tradition 10
"A.A. has no opinion on outside issues, hence the A.A. name should never be drawn into public controversy."
We were chatting away at our small 12&12 meeting last week about the opening few paragraphs of Step 12. There was a guy there for the first time at our meeting who intimated that he had some sobriety under his belt. Normally dressed, calm in demeanor, no red flags flying. He did screw around with his cell phone during the introductory readings. This pisses me off - it's disrespectful: "Sorry, I have to check my Facebook feed right now." Then, when we started to read, he questioned whether there was a procedure in place to reread Step One if a newcomer was present. No, we told him - it's too disruptive to keep starting over each time a new person shows up.
After a couple of good shares he introduced himself and started to speak. He has lived overseas for a long time, recently returning to the U.S., and took his allotted time to go on a long rant about the U.S. health care system. We sat there uncomfortably for a little while until one of our male attendees said, quite quietly: "Outside issue." The dude pauses, stands up, and absolutely slams the hardcover book on the table and storms out of the room, showering us with shouts and curses. The book bounces off the table and onto the floor.
I'll tell you that sometimes things happen so fast that you don't move a muscle. I idly wonder how I would react in a dramatic, unexpected event. I imagine myself coolly doing the right thing. Pfffftttt. I didn't move an inch.
The guy stood outside and yelled for a few seconds before taking off. The group sat in stunned silence before getting into an interesting discussion about how we should have handled the situation. Many of us thought that our brother did the right thing interrupting someone who was clearly breaking a Tradition - trampling all over it - but I was surprised to hear that some of the members thought that we should have let him finish his thoughts, that he was eventually going to get to the point of his discomfort, that he obviously needed a meeting. Right after he left one of the women got up and went to find him. I thought this was a terrible idea. "Be careful," SuperK said.
I followed up with a few people the next day and was again surprised to hear that the opinions went both ways. This confirms my solid belief that I don't know what the hell is going on most of the time. This is why I always check with lots of people. Just because I think it doesn't mean that it's true.
I hope he isn't there tomorrow. I don't need to feel threatened at a meeting. Dude scared me so I can only imagine how some of the women felt.
We were chatting away at our small 12&12 meeting last week about the opening few paragraphs of Step 12. There was a guy there for the first time at our meeting who intimated that he had some sobriety under his belt. Normally dressed, calm in demeanor, no red flags flying. He did screw around with his cell phone during the introductory readings. This pisses me off - it's disrespectful: "Sorry, I have to check my Facebook feed right now." Then, when we started to read, he questioned whether there was a procedure in place to reread Step One if a newcomer was present. No, we told him - it's too disruptive to keep starting over each time a new person shows up.
After a couple of good shares he introduced himself and started to speak. He has lived overseas for a long time, recently returning to the U.S., and took his allotted time to go on a long rant about the U.S. health care system. We sat there uncomfortably for a little while until one of our male attendees said, quite quietly: "Outside issue." The dude pauses, stands up, and absolutely slams the hardcover book on the table and storms out of the room, showering us with shouts and curses. The book bounces off the table and onto the floor.
I'll tell you that sometimes things happen so fast that you don't move a muscle. I idly wonder how I would react in a dramatic, unexpected event. I imagine myself coolly doing the right thing. Pfffftttt. I didn't move an inch.
The guy stood outside and yelled for a few seconds before taking off. The group sat in stunned silence before getting into an interesting discussion about how we should have handled the situation. Many of us thought that our brother did the right thing interrupting someone who was clearly breaking a Tradition - trampling all over it - but I was surprised to hear that some of the members thought that we should have let him finish his thoughts, that he was eventually going to get to the point of his discomfort, that he obviously needed a meeting. Right after he left one of the women got up and went to find him. I thought this was a terrible idea. "Be careful," SuperK said.
I followed up with a few people the next day and was again surprised to hear that the opinions went both ways. This confirms my solid belief that I don't know what the hell is going on most of the time. This is why I always check with lots of people. Just because I think it doesn't mean that it's true.
I hope he isn't there tomorrow. I don't need to feel threatened at a meeting. Dude scared me so I can only imagine how some of the women felt.
Tuesday, October 8, 2019
Service
Service: An act of being of assistance to someone.
I am enough. I have enough. I do enough.
Happiness is the state of living in the present.
Today I ask that I may be of service to somebody else. (Ed. Note: And by "service" I mean anything, not just big things).
As I prepared to swim this morning I said hello to a fellow swimmer who has been absent for quite a while. She was alone - sort of unusual because I always saw her in the company of her husband. They have a very sweet relationship, checking with each other on about everything they're going to do. I've talked with him a few times. He obviously has some cognitive issues - he tells the same stories over and over - but he's a really nice man.
So she explained that her husband has been suffering from Alzheimer's and that he took a dramatic and fast-moving turn for the worst. She was quickly overwhelmed and had to put him into a managed care facility. He recognizes her sometimes, but not always. It must be a miserable feeling to have a constant companion torn from your arms. I can almost imagine that the clean break that death would provide would be easier than this slow drifting away, there but not present.
I listened carefully. I am torn between concern for other people and this hidden, gnawing, sneaky feeling that I don't really give a shit. This is mostly cynicism mined for the purposes of humor but part of me wanted to get my swim over with and not listen to this woman's troubles.
When she was done talking and I was excusing myself to swim I asked if she wanted a hug. I calculated that our relationship was established enough to warrant a hug in a mostly undressed state. She really leaned in and held on for a moment. I like to tell people that my belief is that God gives the hardest tribulations to the best people. She appeared to be close to tears.
I felt good about this.
I am enough. I have enough. I do enough.
Happiness is the state of living in the present.
Today I ask that I may be of service to somebody else. (Ed. Note: And by "service" I mean anything, not just big things).
As I prepared to swim this morning I said hello to a fellow swimmer who has been absent for quite a while. She was alone - sort of unusual because I always saw her in the company of her husband. They have a very sweet relationship, checking with each other on about everything they're going to do. I've talked with him a few times. He obviously has some cognitive issues - he tells the same stories over and over - but he's a really nice man.
So she explained that her husband has been suffering from Alzheimer's and that he took a dramatic and fast-moving turn for the worst. She was quickly overwhelmed and had to put him into a managed care facility. He recognizes her sometimes, but not always. It must be a miserable feeling to have a constant companion torn from your arms. I can almost imagine that the clean break that death would provide would be easier than this slow drifting away, there but not present.
I listened carefully. I am torn between concern for other people and this hidden, gnawing, sneaky feeling that I don't really give a shit. This is mostly cynicism mined for the purposes of humor but part of me wanted to get my swim over with and not listen to this woman's troubles.
When she was done talking and I was excusing myself to swim I asked if she wanted a hug. I calculated that our relationship was established enough to warrant a hug in a mostly undressed state. She really leaned in and held on for a moment. I like to tell people that my belief is that God gives the hardest tribulations to the best people. She appeared to be close to tears.
I felt good about this.
Thursday, October 3, 2019
Yam? Or Sweet Potato? Riddle Me That, Batman
I yam what I yam and that's all I yam. Popeye . . . The Sailor Man. (Ed. Note: If your mama has named you Popeye you have no options - your destinty is to be a Sailor Man).
I need to remember that my purpose in life is not to please You. It is not to fit into some norm that I think I need to fit into because everyone else fits - or tries to fit - into that mold. My purpose is to grow spiritually and be of service to others and if I do that then I discover the True Seaweed.
I gotta tell ya - I kind of like the True Seaweed. I don't mean that I'm a finished product, done growing and evolving, morphed into a higher life form, and I don't mean that I get to behave however I want, although I usually do that, anyway. Just that the whole deal is to unpeel all of the societal bullshit and all of the expectations that I put on myself as to who I should be or how I should behave and then, hopefully, end up being who I'm supposed to be.
Whew. Even I don't know what I'm talking about.
This has been a long process. It isn't easy to set aside my desire to fit in but once I do I really feel free. I try to be nice and pleasant and I'm happier when people like me but if they don't I'm not in the habit of losing sleep over it. I no longer think I have to be everyone's cup of tea. And everything flows more smoothly when I'm being myself. The kind of work I ended up doing, the people that I develop strong relationships with, the way I dress and act in public, all of this stuff is a far cry from the way it used to be and the result is I'm happier and more content because it's who I am.
I saw this tag line on a fellow meditators profile this morning: "I am enough, I have enough, I do enough."
Lot of power, that.
I need to remember that my purpose in life is not to please You. It is not to fit into some norm that I think I need to fit into because everyone else fits - or tries to fit - into that mold. My purpose is to grow spiritually and be of service to others and if I do that then I discover the True Seaweed.
I gotta tell ya - I kind of like the True Seaweed. I don't mean that I'm a finished product, done growing and evolving, morphed into a higher life form, and I don't mean that I get to behave however I want, although I usually do that, anyway. Just that the whole deal is to unpeel all of the societal bullshit and all of the expectations that I put on myself as to who I should be or how I should behave and then, hopefully, end up being who I'm supposed to be.
Whew. Even I don't know what I'm talking about.
This has been a long process. It isn't easy to set aside my desire to fit in but once I do I really feel free. I try to be nice and pleasant and I'm happier when people like me but if they don't I'm not in the habit of losing sleep over it. I no longer think I have to be everyone's cup of tea. And everything flows more smoothly when I'm being myself. The kind of work I ended up doing, the people that I develop strong relationships with, the way I dress and act in public, all of this stuff is a far cry from the way it used to be and the result is I'm happier and more content because it's who I am.
I saw this tag line on a fellow meditators profile this morning: "I am enough, I have enough, I do enough."
Lot of power, that.
Wednesday, October 2, 2019
Ye Olde Seaweede
Sociopath (anti-social personality disorder): A personality disorder marked by antisocial disorder, a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others . . .
I don't remember my dreams very often. This may be because my repressed self is a ball of screaming gibberish, populated by horrible, horrible things. Or it may be normal. In any case I generally sleep well. This may be because my mind is resting peacefully or maybe because I'm a sociopath who is willing to sacrifice all other people, places, and things if it spares me any discomfort.
That sounds about right.
In my dream I was in some huge pool complex that seemed to be associated with a high school. Not my high school and I was as old as I am now so I don't know what I was doing back in high school. In many of my remembered dreams I show up for classes, often at college, a week or two after classes have . . . you know . . . started. I don't have the books, I don't know where my class is being held, I haven't read or studied anything, and I'm scheming on how to get out of this mess.
I'm no psychologist but it seems that a lot of stuff that comes out of my subconscious is about control. That and trying to weasel my way out of whatever mess of my own making I'm currently embroiled in.
Anyway, I'm wandering around this large school-like structure, noting that the pool is full of people who aren't "doing it right," who shouldn't be there, then popping into massive locker rooms where I vaguely suspect my clothes - my other clothes, I guess, since I'm fully clothed - are locked up somewhere. It really doesn't matter because I don't have a key or anything. I also have to pee and am incensed that the urinals and stalls are just hanging right out in the fucking open. At this point the school sort of morphs into this ornate shopping mall, one of the sort that would be called an Emporium or a Galleria or contain words that have superfluous "E"s hanging off the end, like "Towne Centre."
Maybe I need to buy something.
I don't remember my dreams very often. This may be because my repressed self is a ball of screaming gibberish, populated by horrible, horrible things. Or it may be normal. In any case I generally sleep well. This may be because my mind is resting peacefully or maybe because I'm a sociopath who is willing to sacrifice all other people, places, and things if it spares me any discomfort.
That sounds about right.
In my dream I was in some huge pool complex that seemed to be associated with a high school. Not my high school and I was as old as I am now so I don't know what I was doing back in high school. In many of my remembered dreams I show up for classes, often at college, a week or two after classes have . . . you know . . . started. I don't have the books, I don't know where my class is being held, I haven't read or studied anything, and I'm scheming on how to get out of this mess.
I'm no psychologist but it seems that a lot of stuff that comes out of my subconscious is about control. That and trying to weasel my way out of whatever mess of my own making I'm currently embroiled in.
Anyway, I'm wandering around this large school-like structure, noting that the pool is full of people who aren't "doing it right," who shouldn't be there, then popping into massive locker rooms where I vaguely suspect my clothes - my other clothes, I guess, since I'm fully clothed - are locked up somewhere. It really doesn't matter because I don't have a key or anything. I also have to pee and am incensed that the urinals and stalls are just hanging right out in the fucking open. At this point the school sort of morphs into this ornate shopping mall, one of the sort that would be called an Emporium or a Galleria or contain words that have superfluous "E"s hanging off the end, like "Towne Centre."
Maybe I need to buy something.
Tuesday, October 1, 2019
Going Both Ways
I was mulling over the phenomenon of taking myself too seriously when I stumbled upon my pair of bike-riding pants. Normally I wear shorts but if it's too chilly in the morning I put on a pair of tight-fitting longer pants. They can't be too loose or they'll catch in the bike gearing but they can't be too tight or they'll make everyone who sees me in them freak out. You might think, at this point, that the point is I no longer care how ridiculous I look in these spandex pants. But wait . . . there's more.
I bought these pants out of the bargain bin at a local sporting goods store. I was pretty pleased with myself - I got a great deal on something I needed, unlike most of the crap that I buy for reasons that are obscure to even me. The next morning I rode my bike and was pretty pleased with the pants. Pretty pleased. Good performance, stayed out of the gearing, no one laughed openly at my appearance. I got home and tossed them into the laundry basket. Somehow they get clean if I do this. I don't ask why this happen.
SuperK walked into the room holding the now clean pants.
"You know these are women's pants, right?" she asked.
"They're what now?" I said.
She showed me the tag without comment. Women's pants.
You know I don't really care. In fact, I tell people I have on women's pants.
This is why I'm careful to avoid the women's section at department stores. I'm just a little too tempted to try on some panty hose and a slinky cocktail dress.
I bought these pants out of the bargain bin at a local sporting goods store. I was pretty pleased with myself - I got a great deal on something I needed, unlike most of the crap that I buy for reasons that are obscure to even me. The next morning I rode my bike and was pretty pleased with the pants. Pretty pleased. Good performance, stayed out of the gearing, no one laughed openly at my appearance. I got home and tossed them into the laundry basket. Somehow they get clean if I do this. I don't ask why this happen.
SuperK walked into the room holding the now clean pants.
"You know these are women's pants, right?" she asked.
"They're what now?" I said.
She showed me the tag without comment. Women's pants.
You know I don't really care. In fact, I tell people I have on women's pants.
This is why I'm careful to avoid the women's section at department stores. I'm just a little too tempted to try on some panty hose and a slinky cocktail dress.
Sunday, September 29, 2019
Fast!
Fast: Quickly, with great speed; within a short time.
As part of my never-ending fascination with myself I was reminiscing - I really should say re-reminiscing because I never stop pondering my fate in life unless I'm taking some time off to think about my current circumstances or what may happen to me in the future - about my foray into Optometry School. My aborted, unsuccessful foray into the field of eye doctor-ness. I made it half way through which really wasn't the point of starting in the first place - I was kind of going for the going-all-the-way technique. And I didn't leave because I thought this was a good idea - I left right before the door smacked into my ass regions.
If there was an event in my life that could have caused a great deal of regret this would be it. "I coulda been a contenduh," in other words. A doctor of the eyes. Dr. Seaweed - it has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? I am overjoyed to report that, because of this wonderful Program and its emphasis on moving forward and not looking back, that the regret is nowhere to be found. Part of this a practical reflection - the field of optometry has changed in ways that would have made the occupation less than optimal for me. Plus, I really enjoyed the work that I ended up doing although saying "I was a salesman" when people ask me about my occupation doesn't have the same impressive cachet. Well, what do I care what people think about me anyway?
I guess part of the screed here is that it sure is helpful - especially at the start - to have a job that you enjoy. Sobriety is hard enough without having to show up every day someplace that you don't want to be. The flip side of the coin is that even if you think your job sucks - and it probably isn't as sucky as you're making it out to be - having something to occupy your time for a big chunk of the day is a good idea. Plus, there's that whole needing money to live thing that has to be taken into consideration. Pretty important, that.
But the whole re-reminiscing part sort of originally centered around the idea of speed. Fast speed. Moving fast and purposefully into the future. Part of my struggles in optometry can be traced to the fact that I was in a much accelerated mode at the time. While it was not an absolute requirement to have an undergraduate degree many of my classmates had one or had at least completed 3 years of college. There was a small group of us who doubled up on classes and went to summer school and performed well enough to earn early admission.
Two things here - it sure made my 2 years of undergraduate work miserable. One year I had 7 final exams at the end of a term due to all of the lab classes I had to take in conjunction with the regular classroom work. The other hindrance was that I would occasionally find myself in say, my first microbiology class, with people who had degrees in microbiology. I was definitely at a disadvantage competition-wise.
Part of this was purely practical. I was responsible for most of the costs of my education - the considerable costs - and it made sense to get from the money-draining part of my life into the money-making part. I was not in a position to "find myself" in school. I was right there. I knew where I was. It wasn't the right place, obviously, but I was on the map.
Moving fast into the future.
As part of my never-ending fascination with myself I was reminiscing - I really should say re-reminiscing because I never stop pondering my fate in life unless I'm taking some time off to think about my current circumstances or what may happen to me in the future - about my foray into Optometry School. My aborted, unsuccessful foray into the field of eye doctor-ness. I made it half way through which really wasn't the point of starting in the first place - I was kind of going for the going-all-the-way technique. And I didn't leave because I thought this was a good idea - I left right before the door smacked into my ass regions.
If there was an event in my life that could have caused a great deal of regret this would be it. "I coulda been a contenduh," in other words. A doctor of the eyes. Dr. Seaweed - it has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? I am overjoyed to report that, because of this wonderful Program and its emphasis on moving forward and not looking back, that the regret is nowhere to be found. Part of this a practical reflection - the field of optometry has changed in ways that would have made the occupation less than optimal for me. Plus, I really enjoyed the work that I ended up doing although saying "I was a salesman" when people ask me about my occupation doesn't have the same impressive cachet. Well, what do I care what people think about me anyway?
I guess part of the screed here is that it sure is helpful - especially at the start - to have a job that you enjoy. Sobriety is hard enough without having to show up every day someplace that you don't want to be. The flip side of the coin is that even if you think your job sucks - and it probably isn't as sucky as you're making it out to be - having something to occupy your time for a big chunk of the day is a good idea. Plus, there's that whole needing money to live thing that has to be taken into consideration. Pretty important, that.
But the whole re-reminiscing part sort of originally centered around the idea of speed. Fast speed. Moving fast and purposefully into the future. Part of my struggles in optometry can be traced to the fact that I was in a much accelerated mode at the time. While it was not an absolute requirement to have an undergraduate degree many of my classmates had one or had at least completed 3 years of college. There was a small group of us who doubled up on classes and went to summer school and performed well enough to earn early admission.
Two things here - it sure made my 2 years of undergraduate work miserable. One year I had 7 final exams at the end of a term due to all of the lab classes I had to take in conjunction with the regular classroom work. The other hindrance was that I would occasionally find myself in say, my first microbiology class, with people who had degrees in microbiology. I was definitely at a disadvantage competition-wise.
Part of this was purely practical. I was responsible for most of the costs of my education - the considerable costs - and it made sense to get from the money-draining part of my life into the money-making part. I was not in a position to "find myself" in school. I was right there. I knew where I was. It wasn't the right place, obviously, but I was on the map.
Moving fast into the future.
Saturday, September 28, 2019
Fright Masks and Such
Seriously: Without humor or expression of happiness; grave in manner or disposition.
Whatever it is - it isn't that important. At least it's not as important as you think it is. Of all the things that have happened in my life I would estimate I've had like 19 important things happen out of 17 billion or so. Even things that are important often lose their potency more quickly than we'd think.
It's not the end of the world. Quit taking yourself so seriously. You're not that important. It's not that big a deal.
I got up early to attend my 7AM meeting a few days ago and was amused to see that my hair was mostly sticking straight up in the air. Because it doesn't take much to encourage me I used a little water to complete the Fright Mask look. My appearance resembled a cartoon character who has seen something really horrifying - the hair springs straight up and then stays frozen in place. Many normal people would correct this look, preferring a normal appearance. I fucked around with my hair to make it look even weirder. In fact, I was so impressed with the hairstyle that I decided to forgo my normal morning pork pie hat. (Ed. Note: If you forgo something in the past did you forwent it? Please research.)
At this large meeting no one said anything to me, aware that I'm apt to do the occasional odd thing. One guy mumbled something about a comb but that was about it. A number of people censured me for not wearing a hat. Maybe this was because my hair looked so ridiculous but more likely the culprit was that I always have a hat on.
After the meeting a new dude came up to me. This dude is really new and he's not, at the moment, playing with a full deck. I'm always talking to people like this. My service work for the group includes getting to the meeting early and standing near the smoking area for 20 minutes or so. New people are usually still smoking. Let me tell you this - there are some real characters out on those church steps. I get more recovery out of the insanity filling that space than I do out of the meeting that follows.
Dude (quite seriously): "Where do you get your hair cut?"
Seaweed: Along the lines of "whatever barber I happen to be passing when the mood strikes me."
Dude: "How much to do you pay?"
Seaweed: $20.
Dude: "You should come see me. I'll do it for half that. I'm a barber. That's what I do. I'm staying at John's (Ed. Note: a local half-way house.)"
Normally when someone approaches me at a meeting for a hand-out or to shill for a product or service - which doesn't happen very often - I'm firm in my refusal and clear about my reasoning while trying to maintain an attitude of compassion and kindness.
But this time I was laughing too hard to myself to say anything.
Whatever it is - it isn't that important. At least it's not as important as you think it is. Of all the things that have happened in my life I would estimate I've had like 19 important things happen out of 17 billion or so. Even things that are important often lose their potency more quickly than we'd think.
It's not the end of the world. Quit taking yourself so seriously. You're not that important. It's not that big a deal.
I got up early to attend my 7AM meeting a few days ago and was amused to see that my hair was mostly sticking straight up in the air. Because it doesn't take much to encourage me I used a little water to complete the Fright Mask look. My appearance resembled a cartoon character who has seen something really horrifying - the hair springs straight up and then stays frozen in place. Many normal people would correct this look, preferring a normal appearance. I fucked around with my hair to make it look even weirder. In fact, I was so impressed with the hairstyle that I decided to forgo my normal morning pork pie hat. (Ed. Note: If you forgo something in the past did you forwent it? Please research.)
At this large meeting no one said anything to me, aware that I'm apt to do the occasional odd thing. One guy mumbled something about a comb but that was about it. A number of people censured me for not wearing a hat. Maybe this was because my hair looked so ridiculous but more likely the culprit was that I always have a hat on.
After the meeting a new dude came up to me. This dude is really new and he's not, at the moment, playing with a full deck. I'm always talking to people like this. My service work for the group includes getting to the meeting early and standing near the smoking area for 20 minutes or so. New people are usually still smoking. Let me tell you this - there are some real characters out on those church steps. I get more recovery out of the insanity filling that space than I do out of the meeting that follows.
Dude (quite seriously): "Where do you get your hair cut?"
Seaweed: Along the lines of "whatever barber I happen to be passing when the mood strikes me."
Dude: "How much to do you pay?"
Seaweed: $20.
Dude: "You should come see me. I'll do it for half that. I'm a barber. That's what I do. I'm staying at John's (Ed. Note: a local half-way house.)"
Normally when someone approaches me at a meeting for a hand-out or to shill for a product or service - which doesn't happen very often - I'm firm in my refusal and clear about my reasoning while trying to maintain an attitude of compassion and kindness.
But this time I was laughing too hard to myself to say anything.
Friday, September 27, 2019
Enough is Enough
At my morning meeting I heard a from a woman who has been feeling some angst at not attending as many meetings as she used to. The justification was that her work schedule was the culprit. Work is a very good culprit for not attending meetings. Family obligations are also very popular. As justifications go these are robust. After all, it's not as if you can tell your small children: "Hey, can you get dressed, make breakfast, and then get to school this morning? Daddy has to go to a meeting."
I've maintained over the years that I didn't get sober to sit in meetings. But if I don't go to meetings my sobriety is strained. If I missed a couple of weeks of meetings I don't believe that I'd drink but I'm pretty sure that my inner asshole would creep a little closer to the surface. It's amazing how quickly the entire world degrades when I don't keep my Program up-to-date.
I'm always working a balancing act with my recovery and my life, although the two frequently intersect. I've got a good feel internally as to how well the two are working.
I've maintained over the years that I didn't get sober to sit in meetings. But if I don't go to meetings my sobriety is strained. If I missed a couple of weeks of meetings I don't believe that I'd drink but I'm pretty sure that my inner asshole would creep a little closer to the surface. It's amazing how quickly the entire world degrades when I don't keep my Program up-to-date.
I'm always working a balancing act with my recovery and my life, although the two frequently intersect. I've got a good feel internally as to how well the two are working.
Thursday, September 26, 2019
More From Richard Peabody
A man who is on the wagon may be sober physically, but mentally he may be as alcohol-minded as if he were drunk.
It does little good for a man to endeavor to eliminate his habit until he considers it a sound, sensible, and desirable thing to do; something he would like to accomplish for his own sake; however difficult it may seem. Incidentally for a man who is willing to buckle down to work the "difficulty" is always exaggerated in the beginning . . .
The negative thoughts must be stopped, but the subject must not be repressed or even dropped from consciousness until it has been pursued to its logical conclusion with as many positive thoughts as possible. Negative thoughts, given the chance, arise all to swiftly. For emphasis I repeat: It is of supreme importance that positive thinking be employed whenever the subject comes up . . .
As soon as the intellectual control is shaken at all, and it takes very little to shake it, his emotions immediately take control, which is almost the same as saying alcohol takes charge. While in this condition he wants happiness and relaxation, and he wants them as soon as he can get them.
It does little good for a man to endeavor to eliminate his habit until he considers it a sound, sensible, and desirable thing to do; something he would like to accomplish for his own sake; however difficult it may seem. Incidentally for a man who is willing to buckle down to work the "difficulty" is always exaggerated in the beginning . . .
The negative thoughts must be stopped, but the subject must not be repressed or even dropped from consciousness until it has been pursued to its logical conclusion with as many positive thoughts as possible. Negative thoughts, given the chance, arise all to swiftly. For emphasis I repeat: It is of supreme importance that positive thinking be employed whenever the subject comes up . . .
As soon as the intellectual control is shaken at all, and it takes very little to shake it, his emotions immediately take control, which is almost the same as saying alcohol takes charge. While in this condition he wants happiness and relaxation, and he wants them as soon as he can get them.
Wednesday, September 25, 2019
Refund, Baby
So now that I've inflated my own ego balloon let's take a more in-depth look at my behavior. My thinking is pristine, my intentions faultless, my goals unassailable. My actions? Meh, don't look too close.
On our cruise I received a $500 ship credit if by "credit" you mean "I paid an extra $500 that was buried somewhere else in my fare." Before we left on the cruise I booked a few shore excursions - guided hikes, mostly, for two city people who had absolutely no intention of wandering off into the Alaskan wilderness on trails that featured large signs at the trail head detailing what to do during a bear attack. Most of them mentioned moose as well, astonishingly large animals - second in size on the North American continent only to a bison, whatever the fuck that is - that can weigh close to 1500 lbs when fully dressed. There was the occasional wolf reference as well. I was a little afraid of the salmon so you can imagine the trepidation I felt considering a Seaweed-To-Beast confrontation with one of those other animals, toothy mammals, all.
Anyway, I booked these hikes and paid for them to ensure that we were guaranteed spots. It is possible that there was some way to apply the shipboard credit to the bill but I didn't see it. So once we were on the ship we spoke to some scrivener about applying the credit. No problem. I didn't believe this particular scrivener, being a paranoid cynic, so a few days later I snuck back down when he wasn't on duty and spoke to a lady scrivener. She called up my account and confirmed the refund.
"$667 will be applied to your account," she said.
I didn't quibble with her. I had no objection to that number. I was keen to see that the number wasn't lower. Higher was fine with me. I didn't believe either of these people, anyway. Since we were in Canada at that point I surmised that the refund was being applied in Canadian dollars.
When I got home there is was: $667 in good, old American dollars, taken right off my bill.
So, gentle readers, do I call attention to this?
Hmmmmm.
On our cruise I received a $500 ship credit if by "credit" you mean "I paid an extra $500 that was buried somewhere else in my fare." Before we left on the cruise I booked a few shore excursions - guided hikes, mostly, for two city people who had absolutely no intention of wandering off into the Alaskan wilderness on trails that featured large signs at the trail head detailing what to do during a bear attack. Most of them mentioned moose as well, astonishingly large animals - second in size on the North American continent only to a bison, whatever the fuck that is - that can weigh close to 1500 lbs when fully dressed. There was the occasional wolf reference as well. I was a little afraid of the salmon so you can imagine the trepidation I felt considering a Seaweed-To-Beast confrontation with one of those other animals, toothy mammals, all.
Anyway, I booked these hikes and paid for them to ensure that we were guaranteed spots. It is possible that there was some way to apply the shipboard credit to the bill but I didn't see it. So once we were on the ship we spoke to some scrivener about applying the credit. No problem. I didn't believe this particular scrivener, being a paranoid cynic, so a few days later I snuck back down when he wasn't on duty and spoke to a lady scrivener. She called up my account and confirmed the refund.
"$667 will be applied to your account," she said.
I didn't quibble with her. I had no objection to that number. I was keen to see that the number wasn't lower. Higher was fine with me. I didn't believe either of these people, anyway. Since we were in Canada at that point I surmised that the refund was being applied in Canadian dollars.
When I got home there is was: $667 in good, old American dollars, taken right off my bill.
So, gentle readers, do I call attention to this?
Hmmmmm.
Tuesday, September 24, 2019
Money . . . That's What I want.
Control: To dictate the behavior of (verb); influence or authority over something (noun).
I've been pondering this phenomenon of holding onto things. The more tightly I grip them the more power they have over me. The problem, as we all know, is that if I don't hold them tightly then I might lose my grip. I might lose control. Yet when I'm hanging on tightly I've already lost control.
See how frustrating this is? There is so much shit in my recovery that is frustrating like this.
Money is a particularly irritating subject in regards to control. I take great pains to point out that I'm no longer in the position where I'm living on the edge financially - I spent a ton of time in this position and I know many of us come into The Rooms in this position - so please take this story with a grain of salt . . .
This cruise we were on was a higher end cruise. I got a great deal on it at the last minute. I am, after all, my mother's son. On the only other cruise we took the tips to the staff were not included - which was pretty irritating - but on this one they were - which was also pretty irritating. I think the cruise lines should just pay their people well but there you go . . .
We took some guided hikes on the trip at various ports and they were led by local guides. On each one of these hikes (less one because the guides sucked) I tipped the guide $20. For two people. On hikes that lasted as long as seven hours. I felt a little guilty about being so parsimonious until I realized I was the only person tipping anything. I'm pretty sure there were a lot of wealthy people on the ship. I'm pretty sure they could have afforded $20. On the longest hike the young guy in charge was a high school teacher with 5 kids who was supplementing his income over the summer. He couldn't have been making very much money.
Now maybe the other guests assumed that because tips were included for the ship's staff that they were also included for the tour guides. That is so stupid it makes me laugh as I write it but I'm trying to be generous here. The point I'm trying to make is that the $100 or so I tipped (and I'm rounding up, of course) has not changed my life but I think it was appreciated by the guides.
I let loose of some of the money that I grasp so tightly and it set me free.
I've been pondering this phenomenon of holding onto things. The more tightly I grip them the more power they have over me. The problem, as we all know, is that if I don't hold them tightly then I might lose my grip. I might lose control. Yet when I'm hanging on tightly I've already lost control.
See how frustrating this is? There is so much shit in my recovery that is frustrating like this.
Money is a particularly irritating subject in regards to control. I take great pains to point out that I'm no longer in the position where I'm living on the edge financially - I spent a ton of time in this position and I know many of us come into The Rooms in this position - so please take this story with a grain of salt . . .
This cruise we were on was a higher end cruise. I got a great deal on it at the last minute. I am, after all, my mother's son. On the only other cruise we took the tips to the staff were not included - which was pretty irritating - but on this one they were - which was also pretty irritating. I think the cruise lines should just pay their people well but there you go . . .
We took some guided hikes on the trip at various ports and they were led by local guides. On each one of these hikes (less one because the guides sucked) I tipped the guide $20. For two people. On hikes that lasted as long as seven hours. I felt a little guilty about being so parsimonious until I realized I was the only person tipping anything. I'm pretty sure there were a lot of wealthy people on the ship. I'm pretty sure they could have afforded $20. On the longest hike the young guy in charge was a high school teacher with 5 kids who was supplementing his income over the summer. He couldn't have been making very much money.
Now maybe the other guests assumed that because tips were included for the ship's staff that they were also included for the tour guides. That is so stupid it makes me laugh as I write it but I'm trying to be generous here. The point I'm trying to make is that the $100 or so I tipped (and I'm rounding up, of course) has not changed my life but I think it was appreciated by the guides.
I let loose of some of the money that I grasp so tightly and it set me free.
Friday, September 20, 2019
Big Nine
Peace: A state free of oppressive or unpleasant thoughts and emotions; a state of tranquility, quiet, and harmony.
We discussed the 9th Step in today's meeting - the amends process. I remind myself that the payoff of these often-difficult and much-feared amends is that The Promises begin to assert themselves with vigor.
"What's the payoff?" alcoholics ask themselves. We don't do anything unless there's a benefit, especially not anything hard.
Peace of mind. That's the payoff, and that's a really large payoff. What gives us more peace of mind than peace of mind? My schtick about the 9th Step includes the assertion that I'm at peace with everyone in the world. There isn't a person alive that I feel the need to avoid because of anything I've done or said in the past (Ed. Note: There are some people I avoid to avoid the irriation that their presence brings me). And I'm pretty much at peace with the world's institutions as well. That doesn't mean I welcome the odd letter from the IRS or the County Elections Board summoning me to jury duty but it does mean I'm not afraid that something in my past needs to be dealt with.
Good to be done with them, though.
We discussed the 9th Step in today's meeting - the amends process. I remind myself that the payoff of these often-difficult and much-feared amends is that The Promises begin to assert themselves with vigor.
"What's the payoff?" alcoholics ask themselves. We don't do anything unless there's a benefit, especially not anything hard.
Peace of mind. That's the payoff, and that's a really large payoff. What gives us more peace of mind than peace of mind? My schtick about the 9th Step includes the assertion that I'm at peace with everyone in the world. There isn't a person alive that I feel the need to avoid because of anything I've done or said in the past (Ed. Note: There are some people I avoid to avoid the irriation that their presence brings me). And I'm pretty much at peace with the world's institutions as well. That doesn't mean I welcome the odd letter from the IRS or the County Elections Board summoning me to jury duty but it does mean I'm not afraid that something in my past needs to be dealt with.
Good to be done with them, though.
Thursday, September 19, 2019
The Sommelier Vs Us
I just got back from a cruise to Alaska. The alcohol was included in my fare. I know, I know. There was a bottle of champagne on ice when we entered our cabin the first day. Here's a fun fact - I would have put a hurting on that company 32 years ago. I would, to this day, be on some secret Do Not Cruise list. You know how gamblers are banned from casinos if they're caught counting cards? By very large men in black suits and mirrored sunglasses? Those men would have walked into my cabin and tossed me 8 stories into the water. Without comment.
Anyway, it wasn't a problem for either SuperK or me. And we were flabbergasted to walk into a posted Friends of Bill W meeting and find someone there already. We were fully prepared to sit in the card room for a few minutes and then go to dinner. Moreover, eight people showed up - 4 of us with 30 years plus; 2 with over 20; one kook with 14; and a relative newcomer with 2 years. One of the attendees was an employee on the ship with an obligation to host a nightly table in the main restaurant. Because wine service was such an integral part of the experience he had to take a glass of wine, swirl it around, pretend to take a sip, then surreptitiously switch it with a co-worker who knew he was in recovery. Ship management didn't want the guests to feel uncomfortable about drinking or he would have simply stated he was an alcoholic.
So he invited all eight of us to dinner one night, along with an Al-Anon spouse. The first order of business for the restaurant staff was for the sommelier to present to the our host, with a great, somber flourish, the two wine selections for the evening.
"I don't drink," Doug said. "And no one else at the table wants wine, either."
The sommelier gave him a look that we clearly interpreted as "I don't believe you."
"Go ahead," Doug said, with a bemused flourish right back at him.
The man began to describe the red wine. The table was smiles all around. A few of us were giggling. His voice trailed off. He trailed off, to many thanks from all of us.
I caught his eye when he was replacing the bottles of wine.
"Has that ever happened before?" I asked.
"Never," he said. "That has never happened before."
Score one for the home team.
Anyway, it wasn't a problem for either SuperK or me. And we were flabbergasted to walk into a posted Friends of Bill W meeting and find someone there already. We were fully prepared to sit in the card room for a few minutes and then go to dinner. Moreover, eight people showed up - 4 of us with 30 years plus; 2 with over 20; one kook with 14; and a relative newcomer with 2 years. One of the attendees was an employee on the ship with an obligation to host a nightly table in the main restaurant. Because wine service was such an integral part of the experience he had to take a glass of wine, swirl it around, pretend to take a sip, then surreptitiously switch it with a co-worker who knew he was in recovery. Ship management didn't want the guests to feel uncomfortable about drinking or he would have simply stated he was an alcoholic.
So he invited all eight of us to dinner one night, along with an Al-Anon spouse. The first order of business for the restaurant staff was for the sommelier to present to the our host, with a great, somber flourish, the two wine selections for the evening.
"I don't drink," Doug said. "And no one else at the table wants wine, either."
The sommelier gave him a look that we clearly interpreted as "I don't believe you."
"Go ahead," Doug said, with a bemused flourish right back at him.
The man began to describe the red wine. The table was smiles all around. A few of us were giggling. His voice trailed off. He trailed off, to many thanks from all of us.
I caught his eye when he was replacing the bottles of wine.
"Has that ever happened before?" I asked.
"Never," he said. "That has never happened before."
Score one for the home team.
Monday, August 5, 2019
Get In The Habit
Habit: An action performed repeatedly and automatically, usually without awareness.
"The intellectual idea of abstinence is not of itself sufficient. It takes sustained effort to unite the intellectual concept with that consistent form of action which is an expression of automatic attitude rather than a monument to will power.
Whatever may be the theoretical desire and intentions, the old habits do not die as quickly or as easily as one might wish, nor are they dead and buried when one wished them to be so.
The habits of year's standing are not going to quickly pass out of the picture no matter how diligent a man may be in his application of the work. He has to keep directing his mental processes in a formal and definitive manner for at least a year."
"The intellectual idea of abstinence is not of itself sufficient. It takes sustained effort to unite the intellectual concept with that consistent form of action which is an expression of automatic attitude rather than a monument to will power.
Whatever may be the theoretical desire and intentions, the old habits do not die as quickly or as easily as one might wish, nor are they dead and buried when one wished them to be so.
The habits of year's standing are not going to quickly pass out of the picture no matter how diligent a man may be in his application of the work. He has to keep directing his mental processes in a formal and definitive manner for at least a year."
Thursday, July 25, 2019
Tell Me a Story, Seaweed
Analogy: A relationship of resemblance or equivalence between two situations, people, or objects, especially when used as a basis for explanation or extrapolation.
Often when I'm reading our literature I find some of the concepts kind of abstract. "Restraint of tongue and pen," for instance, has a lovely ring to it but what does that mean, exactly? Often a clear light is thrown on the concept when someone tells a story or uses an analogy. For instance, "I was having a minor argument with my wife last week which seemed to be winding down with no consequences when I felt the need to get in the last word and I've been sleeping on the couch ever since" - THAT makes a lot of sense to me. It brings the concept alive. That's some real world shit.
I recently flew back to The Old City for a brief visit. Because my flight arrived late in the day I decided to stay at an airport hotel and then get the trip going in earnest the next morning, clear-headed and well-rested. The one caveat in selecting the hotel was that it provided a shuttle. Unfortunately for me I didn't notice that the shuttle for my pre-paid room only operated until midnight, and my plane arrived around that time. So as soon as I landed I called their front desk and inquired about a pick-up, saying that I didn't want to miss the last shuttle. This was at 11:40.
"Oh, he's made his last stop already," the clerk said.
I was piqued. I was ticked.
"Um, your website said the shuttle ran until midnight," I pointed out with admirable calm.
"Oh, he works until midnight," she replied. "That's when he clocks out. So to clock out at midnight he makes his last run before then."
You know, I'm fine with that logic but you should then indicate that the shuttle runs until 11:30. If I can't get on the shuttle then the shuttle isn't operating. I paused for a second, debating whether or not to explain to her that I didn't give a shit what hours this guy was working - I wanted to know when the shuttle was operating. I'm not with the Department of Labor - I'm the CEO of Stevie Seaweed, LLC. You can work this guy until the blood vessels in his eyes rupture for all I care.
So I said "OK, thank you," and I hung up while she was still . . . you know . . . kind of talking. Technically I didn't lose restraint of my tongue or my pen but it was a jerkish thing to do. It was an unacceptable loop-hole.
I called an Uber which took me to the hotel for $9.80. I would have tipped the shuttle driver $5 so this wasn't a financial thing where I was incensed over the $4.80 bounty I had to pay - it was a Stevie Seaweed, CEO, being inconvenienced, thing.
There's another phrase which reads "when we were wrong promptly admitted it." Not a lot of nuance in this phrase.
When I walked into the hotel I recognized the voice of the woman behind the front desk. I explained that I was the guy who had called about the shuttle and that I wanted to apologize for being short with her. I told her it was rude. I attempted to exploit zero loop-holes. I did not attempt to explain why I was rude; namely, that her website lied to me. I just apologized.
As is my experience in these matters she was gracious. She insisted that I hadn't done anything impolite and, if I had, it could be chalked up to jet lag and a long day of travel. Possibly she was indeed a gracious person or maybe I hadn't behaved badly at all or even that she was being a good customer service representative who didn't take the shit I had dished out personally. Probably all of these apply.
I went to bed with a clear conscience.
Often when I'm reading our literature I find some of the concepts kind of abstract. "Restraint of tongue and pen," for instance, has a lovely ring to it but what does that mean, exactly? Often a clear light is thrown on the concept when someone tells a story or uses an analogy. For instance, "I was having a minor argument with my wife last week which seemed to be winding down with no consequences when I felt the need to get in the last word and I've been sleeping on the couch ever since" - THAT makes a lot of sense to me. It brings the concept alive. That's some real world shit.
I recently flew back to The Old City for a brief visit. Because my flight arrived late in the day I decided to stay at an airport hotel and then get the trip going in earnest the next morning, clear-headed and well-rested. The one caveat in selecting the hotel was that it provided a shuttle. Unfortunately for me I didn't notice that the shuttle for my pre-paid room only operated until midnight, and my plane arrived around that time. So as soon as I landed I called their front desk and inquired about a pick-up, saying that I didn't want to miss the last shuttle. This was at 11:40.
"Oh, he's made his last stop already," the clerk said.
I was piqued. I was ticked.
"Um, your website said the shuttle ran until midnight," I pointed out with admirable calm.
"Oh, he works until midnight," she replied. "That's when he clocks out. So to clock out at midnight he makes his last run before then."
You know, I'm fine with that logic but you should then indicate that the shuttle runs until 11:30. If I can't get on the shuttle then the shuttle isn't operating. I paused for a second, debating whether or not to explain to her that I didn't give a shit what hours this guy was working - I wanted to know when the shuttle was operating. I'm not with the Department of Labor - I'm the CEO of Stevie Seaweed, LLC. You can work this guy until the blood vessels in his eyes rupture for all I care.
So I said "OK, thank you," and I hung up while she was still . . . you know . . . kind of talking. Technically I didn't lose restraint of my tongue or my pen but it was a jerkish thing to do. It was an unacceptable loop-hole.
I called an Uber which took me to the hotel for $9.80. I would have tipped the shuttle driver $5 so this wasn't a financial thing where I was incensed over the $4.80 bounty I had to pay - it was a Stevie Seaweed, CEO, being inconvenienced, thing.
There's another phrase which reads "when we were wrong promptly admitted it." Not a lot of nuance in this phrase.
When I walked into the hotel I recognized the voice of the woman behind the front desk. I explained that I was the guy who had called about the shuttle and that I wanted to apologize for being short with her. I told her it was rude. I attempted to exploit zero loop-holes. I did not attempt to explain why I was rude; namely, that her website lied to me. I just apologized.
As is my experience in these matters she was gracious. She insisted that I hadn't done anything impolite and, if I had, it could be chalked up to jet lag and a long day of travel. Possibly she was indeed a gracious person or maybe I hadn't behaved badly at all or even that she was being a good customer service representative who didn't take the shit I had dished out personally. Probably all of these apply.
I went to bed with a clear conscience.
Thursday, June 13, 2019
Seaweed: Defect Master
"Whatever a person frequently thinks and reflects on, that will become the inclination of their mind."—Buddha
Whatever we regularly think colors our experience—all day, every day. Once we start to watch these thoughts, we discover that 90% of them are reruns! Others are about problems, some are about our preferences, and many are self-evaluation.
"I've lived a life full of terrible misfortune - some of which actually happened to me." Mark Twain or Samuel Clemens
Our life is shaped and determined by our thoughts. Usually we are only half-conscious of the way thoughts direct our life; we are lost in thoughts as if they are reality. We take our own mental creations quite seriously, endorsing them without reservation.
This is old stuff but I can't remember it enough. One of my daily affirmations is to think positive thoughts. I have from time to time kept an Anxiety List where I detail the worries of the day - then from time to time I review these worries. To quote Mark Twain: "What a heap of horseshit." It's very, very difficult for me to dwell on the positive. My mind tends to the defect, to the possibility of the defect.
I think this is a defect.
Saturday, June 1, 2019
Like I Have A Clue
I got a call from Willie yesterday. He mentioned that he had a couple of things that he wanted to run by me. I listened to what he had to say. I like the tendency of good AAs to listen instead of pouring out minute directions so that's what I try to do - for the most part that's really all that I want friend to do for me when I'm confused about something. Honestly, most of the actions that he had taken and the thinking that he had engaged in seemed great - healthy, measured, and reasonable. I probably would have acted in a similar fashion and if I would have done something differently that would have been unique to me, appropriate for me, perhaps, but not for him. I think that all I can do is to give someone the perspective of how I would have behaved and repeat some general, common-sense AA platitudes. Willie has a strong faith so I reminded him that a prayer to ask for guidance and good timing might help; that shit doesn't work out for me if I act when I'm angry; that disengaging from the family instead of confronting someone with something that's upsetting is not going to work well in the long run.
He'll think about this stuff but he's going to do what he wants anyway, right?
He'll think about this stuff but he's going to do what he wants anyway, right?
A Hundred Alibis
"No man who has ever passed from normal or hard drinking to chronic alcoholism, or who has shown persistently a disposition to act in an antisocial manner when under the influence of intoxicating beverages, can ever expect to be shown how to drink in a controlled manner, or to learn how by himself even after long periods of abstention. The very concept of eventual drinking, however remote, seems to be fatal to satisfactory results." The Common Sense of Drinking
"We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once." Big Book of Alcoholics
Try it a thousand times. Try it five thousand times. However many times you try it you can easily find someone else in AA who has tried it more. You may be able to stop all by yourself but you won't ever be able to drink normally.
Once you've turned a cucumber into a pickle you can't turn it back into a cucumber.
"One of the reasons that may make it difficult for an inebriate to reform permanently is an idealization of the past, which he futilely believes he can revive, a belief often unexpressed with which he fools himself over and over again. 'This time it is going to be different,' you may hear him say, but if you know him well you will smile." The Common Sense of Drinking
Euphoric Recall: The ability to glamorize the best, to remember the good things and not the bad, or to turn the bad things into good things. I bet part of this is human nature - we intuitively try to dwell on what's good and forget what's painful. Emotional shock.
"If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are that he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis. Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholic's drinking bout creates. They sound like the philosophy of a man who, having a headache, beats himself on the head with a hammer so that he can't feel the ache." The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
"We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once." Big Book of Alcoholics
Try it a thousand times. Try it five thousand times. However many times you try it you can easily find someone else in AA who has tried it more. You may be able to stop all by yourself but you won't ever be able to drink normally.
Once you've turned a cucumber into a pickle you can't turn it back into a cucumber.
"One of the reasons that may make it difficult for an inebriate to reform permanently is an idealization of the past, which he futilely believes he can revive, a belief often unexpressed with which he fools himself over and over again. 'This time it is going to be different,' you may hear him say, but if you know him well you will smile." The Common Sense of Drinking
Euphoric Recall: The ability to glamorize the best, to remember the good things and not the bad, or to turn the bad things into good things. I bet part of this is human nature - we intuitively try to dwell on what's good and forget what's painful. Emotional shock.
"If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are that he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis. Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholic's drinking bout creates. They sound like the philosophy of a man who, having a headache, beats himself on the head with a hammer so that he can't feel the ache." The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
Friday, May 31, 2019
And What Then?
Problem: A difficulty that has to be resolved or dealt with.
I had another long conversation with The Internal Revenue Service today. I capitalized "The" because I don't want anyone to think I was talking to "the" Internal Revenue Service or - worse yet - "A" Internal Revenue Service. This was the big one, the real deal, the I. R. of S. This was no faux IRS.
As a general observation I have to say that both conversations have been . . . not unpleasant. The two women I've talked to have been personable and polite, eager to help, pleased when they've been able to reduce my tax liability. I go out of my way to be kind to these civil servants. They're not the IRS - they work for the IRS - and it's not their fault that I fucked up my taxes. Why would I give them a hard time? Hardly seems fair.
Anyway, I've managed to whittle the tax bill down to about half of the original amount. Because the number is greater than zero it's still too much but at this point I think it's accurate; i.e., I owe this amount. Again, part of the problem was that I figured my taxes incorrectly and part of the problem was that the IRS calculated the bill incorrectly simply because they didn't have the correct information.
At the meeting today we talked about dealing with problems. Ha.
I know that when I first opened the original letter and saw that huge figure I was frightened, so I did what any self-respecting, red-blooded male would do: I got angry. I started pulling out tax documents and forms and papers, rustling them around, searching incoherently, darting this way and feinting that, with no plan or purpose, looking for facts that would allow me to weasel out of this amount. After a few minutes I did what I usually do - went out, sat in the sun for ten minutes, and calmed the fuck down. Step two was to imagine the worst possible outcome - that I owed the full amount, no matter how implausible and unlikely this would be, and sit with that possibility for a minute. When I realized that I would still be alive if this were the case then - and only then - am I able to move ahead in a coherent fashion.
Once I told my sponsor about a horrible possibility. He asked me what was the worst thing that could happen. After I told him he asked: "And what then?"
It was a good question.
I had another long conversation with The Internal Revenue Service today. I capitalized "The" because I don't want anyone to think I was talking to "the" Internal Revenue Service or - worse yet - "A" Internal Revenue Service. This was the big one, the real deal, the I. R. of S. This was no faux IRS.
As a general observation I have to say that both conversations have been . . . not unpleasant. The two women I've talked to have been personable and polite, eager to help, pleased when they've been able to reduce my tax liability. I go out of my way to be kind to these civil servants. They're not the IRS - they work for the IRS - and it's not their fault that I fucked up my taxes. Why would I give them a hard time? Hardly seems fair.
Anyway, I've managed to whittle the tax bill down to about half of the original amount. Because the number is greater than zero it's still too much but at this point I think it's accurate; i.e., I owe this amount. Again, part of the problem was that I figured my taxes incorrectly and part of the problem was that the IRS calculated the bill incorrectly simply because they didn't have the correct information.
At the meeting today we talked about dealing with problems. Ha.
I know that when I first opened the original letter and saw that huge figure I was frightened, so I did what any self-respecting, red-blooded male would do: I got angry. I started pulling out tax documents and forms and papers, rustling them around, searching incoherently, darting this way and feinting that, with no plan or purpose, looking for facts that would allow me to weasel out of this amount. After a few minutes I did what I usually do - went out, sat in the sun for ten minutes, and calmed the fuck down. Step two was to imagine the worst possible outcome - that I owed the full amount, no matter how implausible and unlikely this would be, and sit with that possibility for a minute. When I realized that I would still be alive if this were the case then - and only then - am I able to move ahead in a coherent fashion.
Once I told my sponsor about a horrible possibility. He asked me what was the worst thing that could happen. After I told him he asked: "And what then?"
It was a good question.
Thursday, May 30, 2019
Kill That Bush!
Adze: A cutting tool that has a curved blade set at a right angle to the handle and is used for shaping wood.
Pickaxe: A heavy iron tool with a wooden handle; one end of the head is pointed, one has a chiseled edge.
Mattock: An agricultural tool whose blades are at right angle to the body, similar to a pickaxe.
I wonder if there is anything else in the world that is "similar to a pickaxe?" Would would something diametrically opposed to a pickaxe be?
Three young men were working for a landscape company one summer to earn money for school or maybe for beer. It was hard manual labor, dull in every aspect, but they were young men, easily amused and able to labor in the heat and humidity with lots of bitching but little real complaint. Also, very little money but beer money, anyway.
One day they were given the task of removing some unwanted shrubbery. Bored, they devised a game to make the task more enjoyable. A physical competition, really, a game of strength, common among young men. They decided to call the game Kill That Bush. The rules to Kill That Bush were very simple: Killing the bush in question in under a predetermined number of strikes using a non-power tool of one's choosing.
A match would proceed like this . . .
They young men would ponder the bush, examining it from different angles, speculating on the depth and strength of its roots, eyeing its size.
Young man #1: "I can kill that bush in five swings."
Young man #2: "I can kill that bush in four swings."
Young man #3: "I can kill that bush in three swings."
Young man #1 (screaming): "Kill that bush!!"
At this point young man #3 would have to remove the shrubbery in three swings. Sometimes he could do it and sometimes he couldn't. I suppose there was a payoff to the competition - beer or dope or something - but that isn't important at this point.
In one contest the bidding got all the way down to two swings before the others deferred. It wasn't a very big bush but killing it in two swings is pretty righteous. The young men pondered the bush.
"Adze?" one of them asked.
"An adze is a woodworking tool," one of them answered.
"I think a pickaxe," another remarked.
"Sure, a pickaxe," came the reply. "But why not the mattock?"
This suggestion - being a good one - was met with general approval and was duly adopted. The young man circled the bush, calculating angles and root placement, speculating, figuring. His first swing was a mighty one, separating most of the roots from the bush and nearly lifting it out of the ground. There were shouts of admiration, speculation that two swings - almost a hole in one - might be enough. Sure enough, his second swing lifted the bush out of the ground. He held the mattock high in the air for a long moment, then flipped it away. Babe Ruth admiring the flight of a home run, bat in hand, strolling toward first base, before dropping his stick.
"It's over, it's over!" shrieked the young men.
Pickaxe: A heavy iron tool with a wooden handle; one end of the head is pointed, one has a chiseled edge.
Mattock: An agricultural tool whose blades are at right angle to the body, similar to a pickaxe.
I wonder if there is anything else in the world that is "similar to a pickaxe?" Would would something diametrically opposed to a pickaxe be?
Three young men were working for a landscape company one summer to earn money for school or maybe for beer. It was hard manual labor, dull in every aspect, but they were young men, easily amused and able to labor in the heat and humidity with lots of bitching but little real complaint. Also, very little money but beer money, anyway.
One day they were given the task of removing some unwanted shrubbery. Bored, they devised a game to make the task more enjoyable. A physical competition, really, a game of strength, common among young men. They decided to call the game Kill That Bush. The rules to Kill That Bush were very simple: Killing the bush in question in under a predetermined number of strikes using a non-power tool of one's choosing.
A match would proceed like this . . .
They young men would ponder the bush, examining it from different angles, speculating on the depth and strength of its roots, eyeing its size.
Young man #1: "I can kill that bush in five swings."
Young man #2: "I can kill that bush in four swings."
Young man #3: "I can kill that bush in three swings."
Young man #1 (screaming): "Kill that bush!!"
At this point young man #3 would have to remove the shrubbery in three swings. Sometimes he could do it and sometimes he couldn't. I suppose there was a payoff to the competition - beer or dope or something - but that isn't important at this point.
In one contest the bidding got all the way down to two swings before the others deferred. It wasn't a very big bush but killing it in two swings is pretty righteous. The young men pondered the bush.
"Adze?" one of them asked.
"An adze is a woodworking tool," one of them answered.
"I think a pickaxe," another remarked.
"Sure, a pickaxe," came the reply. "But why not the mattock?"
This suggestion - being a good one - was met with general approval and was duly adopted. The young man circled the bush, calculating angles and root placement, speculating, figuring. His first swing was a mighty one, separating most of the roots from the bush and nearly lifting it out of the ground. There were shouts of admiration, speculation that two swings - almost a hole in one - might be enough. Sure enough, his second swing lifted the bush out of the ground. He held the mattock high in the air for a long moment, then flipped it away. Babe Ruth admiring the flight of a home run, bat in hand, strolling toward first base, before dropping his stick.
"It's over, it's over!" shrieked the young men.
Peaceful Asshole
"From beginningless time we have had a valid awareness, or consciousness, of 'I.' This 'I,' or self, naturally and innately wants happiness and does not want suffering, and this desire is valid - it is true and reasonable. Consequently, all of us have the right to achieve happiness and banish suffering." The Dali Lama
"Boy, I think about myself a lot. A lot." Little Stevie Seaweed.
"Of course, you do." The Dali Lama (Hypothetical projection. The Dali Lama has not given me this advice directly.)
I really like the idea that the first step in an effective meditation practice is developing a just and admirable morality. And don't try to trap me in a circular loop of semantic bullshit about the true nature of morality. Be nice. Don't be an asshole. Don't hate. Love. Be kind. It's not complicated. The point being that if I don't live a moral life, a kind, caring life, then all of the meditation contained in the universe isn't going to help me achieve a freedom from the endless cycle of trying to avoid suffering and trying to obtain pleasure.
I can't be a peaceful asshole. It's hard enough to be peaceful as it is.
"Boy, I think about myself a lot. A lot." Little Stevie Seaweed.
"Of course, you do." The Dali Lama (Hypothetical projection. The Dali Lama has not given me this advice directly.)
I really like the idea that the first step in an effective meditation practice is developing a just and admirable morality. And don't try to trap me in a circular loop of semantic bullshit about the true nature of morality. Be nice. Don't be an asshole. Don't hate. Love. Be kind. It's not complicated. The point being that if I don't live a moral life, a kind, caring life, then all of the meditation contained in the universe isn't going to help me achieve a freedom from the endless cycle of trying to avoid suffering and trying to obtain pleasure.
I can't be a peaceful asshole. It's hard enough to be peaceful as it is.
Wednesday, May 29, 2019
An Afflictive Boil on My Ass
Afflictive: That causes physical or mental pain.
"Oh, it's not the physical pain I'm worried about. I can handle the physical pain. It's the mental pain that would kill me. They'd take me off there in a body bag." Little Westside Jonny, adamant that he wouldn't survive a night on a little, tiny island in the middle of a boggy lake in the middle of the Amazon. (I was just as adamant that I could do it. But then again I've always been a liar.)
The Buddha says that the third type of suffering that can torment us - after outright pain and the cessation of pleasure - is of the afflictive variety. Discovering the three sources of our suffering is The Second Noble Truth - here we learn that afflictive emotions contaminate our behavior in two distinct ways, one that needs to be expressed and one that is best left unsaid. An example of the former would be revealing a painful episode in your past that makes you wary of close personal relationships. An example of the latter would be walking up to a friend and saying: "Your girlfriend is hot - I'd like to sleep with her" or maybe mentioning to an irritant in your morning meeting: "Your are a boil on my ass."
Neither of these need to be said irregardless of how much you would like to say them.
"Oh, it's not the physical pain I'm worried about. I can handle the physical pain. It's the mental pain that would kill me. They'd take me off there in a body bag." Little Westside Jonny, adamant that he wouldn't survive a night on a little, tiny island in the middle of a boggy lake in the middle of the Amazon. (I was just as adamant that I could do it. But then again I've always been a liar.)
The Buddha says that the third type of suffering that can torment us - after outright pain and the cessation of pleasure - is of the afflictive variety. Discovering the three sources of our suffering is The Second Noble Truth - here we learn that afflictive emotions contaminate our behavior in two distinct ways, one that needs to be expressed and one that is best left unsaid. An example of the former would be revealing a painful episode in your past that makes you wary of close personal relationships. An example of the latter would be walking up to a friend and saying: "Your girlfriend is hot - I'd like to sleep with her" or maybe mentioning to an irritant in your morning meeting: "Your are a boil on my ass."
Neither of these need to be said irregardless of how much you would like to say them.
Tuesday, May 28, 2019
Grate. On. My. Nerves.
"At the beginning of our life is birth, during which we suffer, and at the end of our life is death, during which we also suffer. (Ed. Note: Goddammit, another Catch-22.) Between these two come aging and illness. (Ed. Note: Shit, it just keeps getting worse.) No matter how wealthy you are or how physically fit you are, you have to suffer through these circumstances. (Ed. Note: I don't believe it - I think there's a loophole here somewhere. The 'No Pain' loophole' which is quite a loophole. I just have to look harder.) " The Dali Lama
Boy, this Dali Lama character is really starting to grate on my nerves.
"On top of this comes discontentment. You want more and more and more. This, in a sense, is real poverty - always to be hungry, hungry, hungry with no time to be satisfied. Others might not be rich, but contentment provides them with fewer worries, fewer enemies, fewer problems, and very good sleep." The Fucking Dali Lama
I attended a high school that was full of very wealthy kids. And for some of them I really mean very wealthy. Not a car on their sixteenth birthday but a new car, a new sports car. The funny thing is that they were no happier than the families who lived on my very ordinary middle class street.
"Human beings act like machines whose function is to make money. This is absolutely wrong. The purpose of making money is the happiness of humankind, not the other way round. Humans are not for money, money is for humans. We need enough to live, so money is necessary, but we also need to realize that if there is too much attachment to wealth, it does no help at all. As the saints of India and Tibet tell us, the wealthier one becomes, the more suffering one endures." Guess Who?
Boy, this Dali Lama character is really starting to grate on my nerves.
"On top of this comes discontentment. You want more and more and more. This, in a sense, is real poverty - always to be hungry, hungry, hungry with no time to be satisfied. Others might not be rich, but contentment provides them with fewer worries, fewer enemies, fewer problems, and very good sleep." The Fucking Dali Lama
I attended a high school that was full of very wealthy kids. And for some of them I really mean very wealthy. Not a car on their sixteenth birthday but a new car, a new sports car. The funny thing is that they were no happier than the families who lived on my very ordinary middle class street.
"Human beings act like machines whose function is to make money. This is absolutely wrong. The purpose of making money is the happiness of humankind, not the other way round. Humans are not for money, money is for humans. We need enough to live, so money is necessary, but we also need to realize that if there is too much attachment to wealth, it does no help at all. As the saints of India and Tibet tell us, the wealthier one becomes, the more suffering one endures." Guess Who?
Monday, May 27, 2019
Bias, Baby
"Among the most destructive effects that appear later in the behavioral economics library are these:
The Bystander Effect, or our tendency to wait for others to act rather than acting ourselves. Confirmation Bias, by which we seek evidence for what we already understand to be true, such as the promise that . . . life will endure, rather than endure the cognitive pain of reconceptualizing our world.
The Default Effect, or tendency to choose the present option over alternatives, which is related to . . .
The Status Quo Bias, or preference for things as they are, however bad that is.
The Endowment Effect, or instinct to demand more to give up something we have than we actually value it (or had paid to acquire or establish it).
We have an illusion of control, the behavioral economists tell us, and also suffer from overconfidence and an optimism bias. We also have a Pessimism Bias, not that it compensates - instead it pushes us to see challenges as predetermined defeats and to hear alarm . . . as cries of fatalism. The opposite of a cognitive bias, in other words, is not clear thinking but another cognitive bias. We can’t see anything but through cataracts of self-deception."
This information comes from a book that's discussing a societal issue that many think is important but which has gained very little traction politically. It's funny how all of these biases can easily be applied to the alcoholic who is still drinking . . .
The Bystander Effect, or our tendency to wait for others to act rather than acting ourselves. Confirmation Bias, by which we seek evidence for what we already understand to be true, such as the promise that . . . life will endure, rather than endure the cognitive pain of reconceptualizing our world.
The Default Effect, or tendency to choose the present option over alternatives, which is related to . . .
The Status Quo Bias, or preference for things as they are, however bad that is.
The Endowment Effect, or instinct to demand more to give up something we have than we actually value it (or had paid to acquire or establish it).
We have an illusion of control, the behavioral economists tell us, and also suffer from overconfidence and an optimism bias. We also have a Pessimism Bias, not that it compensates - instead it pushes us to see challenges as predetermined defeats and to hear alarm . . . as cries of fatalism. The opposite of a cognitive bias, in other words, is not clear thinking but another cognitive bias. We can’t see anything but through cataracts of self-deception."
This information comes from a book that's discussing a societal issue that many think is important but which has gained very little traction politically. It's funny how all of these biases can easily be applied to the alcoholic who is still drinking . . .
Sunday, May 26, 2019
Attraction Rather Than Promotion
"He is definitely informed that he is not interviewing an evangelist, so that whether he wants to stop drinking or not is most decidedly his own business. There is not the slightest desire or even willingness on my part to settle anybody's moral problems for them. If a person thinks he can drink, let him continue to do so. He may be right, and at any rate it is his own concern, whether he is or not."
"Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion . . . " Alcoholics Anonymous Third Tradition
Attract: To pull toward without touching; to arouse interest.
Promote: To advocate or urge on behalf of something; to attempt to popularize or sell by means of . . . publicity.
Whether you're an alcoholic or not is totally up to you. Whether you want to try The Twelve Steps is entirely up to you. We're not making anything from this Program, other than staying sober in an attempt to pass on some ideas that helped us a lot. We wish the best for you in all your endeavors - if you think these ideas will help then we'll help you give it a try. If not, that's cool today. Go do your own thing. Millions of people who have chosen to stop drinking have done so without our help.
"Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion . . . " Alcoholics Anonymous Third Tradition
Attract: To pull toward without touching; to arouse interest.
Promote: To advocate or urge on behalf of something; to attempt to popularize or sell by means of . . . publicity.
Whether you're an alcoholic or not is totally up to you. Whether you want to try The Twelve Steps is entirely up to you. We're not making anything from this Program, other than staying sober in an attempt to pass on some ideas that helped us a lot. We wish the best for you in all your endeavors - if you think these ideas will help then we'll help you give it a try. If not, that's cool today. Go do your own thing. Millions of people who have chosen to stop drinking have done so without our help.
Karma, Baby
"The first essential requirement for successful treatment is the sincere desire to be helped on the part of the alcoholic himself. Nothing constructive has ever been accomplished or ever will be with men who are dragged or pushed toward curative measures by friends or relatives. Alcoholics are apt to be extremely stubborn people." Richard Peabody
Again, Richard Peabody wrote this stuff in 1930, long before Bill W began to conceptualize Alcoholics Anonymous. I admire that Bill and Dr. Bob both had the willingness to be open-minded about anything that could help a problem drinker get things under control. Bill was a salesman and a relentless promoter, a man with a huge ego who was pretty sure he had a great idea about how to do just about anything, so this willingness to read and study and take advice from others was a powerful part of the formation of our Program.
Karma: A force or law of nature which causes one to reap what one sows.
"Adopt a positive attitude in the face of difficulty. Imagine that by undergoing a difficult situation with grace you are also preventing worse consequences from karmas that you would otherwise have to experience in the future. Take upon yourself the burden of everyone else's suffering of that type." The Dali Lama
And here's Mr. D. Lama, leader of a spiritual philosophy that some scholars believe got going around 2500 BC, hinting that if you go through something difficult then this knowledge and experience may fit you to be of maximum service to a fellow sufferer down the road.
And - wait! there's more! - he seems to be saying something like "if you want to get out of a hole the first thing is to stop digging." If you're a drunk going through a tough time there's nothing that will make things worse than picking up a drink.
Four and a half centuries ago, people.
Again, Richard Peabody wrote this stuff in 1930, long before Bill W began to conceptualize Alcoholics Anonymous. I admire that Bill and Dr. Bob both had the willingness to be open-minded about anything that could help a problem drinker get things under control. Bill was a salesman and a relentless promoter, a man with a huge ego who was pretty sure he had a great idea about how to do just about anything, so this willingness to read and study and take advice from others was a powerful part of the formation of our Program.
Karma: A force or law of nature which causes one to reap what one sows.
"Adopt a positive attitude in the face of difficulty. Imagine that by undergoing a difficult situation with grace you are also preventing worse consequences from karmas that you would otherwise have to experience in the future. Take upon yourself the burden of everyone else's suffering of that type." The Dali Lama
And here's Mr. D. Lama, leader of a spiritual philosophy that some scholars believe got going around 2500 BC, hinting that if you go through something difficult then this knowledge and experience may fit you to be of maximum service to a fellow sufferer down the road.
And - wait! there's more! - he seems to be saying something like "if you want to get out of a hole the first thing is to stop digging." If you're a drunk going through a tough time there's nothing that will make things worse than picking up a drink.
Four and a half centuries ago, people.
Saturday, May 25, 2019
What's For Breakfast?
So I'm intrigued by the Buddhist theory of discontentment, that it falls into three categories: Actual pain (getting poked in the eye with a dessert fork); the diminishment of pain, which we mistake for pleasure (eating a good meal but overeating until you're miserable and all that food ends up as shit, anyway); and pervasive conditioning (I have no idea what this entails and I'm too lazy to study it further at the moment. More will be revealed! Stay tuned for highlights of next week's show where the effects of karma and afflictive emotions are revealed in the shocking season finale!!)
"What we usually experience as pleasure is mostly a diminishment of pain. If good food or drink, for example, really were just pleasurable - if they had an inner nature of pleasure - then no matter how much we ate or drank, we would feel greater and greater happiness in equal measure." The Dali Lama
The more we study different religions and philosophies the more we see how Alcoholics Anonymous is really nothing more than a clever, insightful repackage of ancient spiritual beliefs in a form that resonates with problem drinkers. I've heard Bill W characterized as a Social Architect - a man who combined elements of philosophy, religion, medicine, and social science into a workable formula for the recovery from substance abuse.
"What we usually experience as pleasure is mostly a diminishment of pain. If good food or drink, for example, really were just pleasurable - if they had an inner nature of pleasure - then no matter how much we ate or drank, we would feel greater and greater happiness in equal measure." The Dali Lama
The more we study different religions and philosophies the more we see how Alcoholics Anonymous is really nothing more than a clever, insightful repackage of ancient spiritual beliefs in a form that resonates with problem drinkers. I've heard Bill W characterized as a Social Architect - a man who combined elements of philosophy, religion, medicine, and social science into a workable formula for the recovery from substance abuse.
Friday, May 24, 2019
Chaos, Baby
Chaos: A behavior . . . in which arbitrarily small variations in conditions become magnified over time.
In other words . . . the shit that we get away with when we're starting out on our abnormal drinking careers start to catch up with us.
"Prevented by his habit from living a constructive life, he is unconsciously anxious to make a stir in the world, even though this stir is of a purely destructive nature. Anything is better than oblivion, and so all the fuss that is made about him, as well as the fact that he is a 'serious problem,' is not as distasteful to him as he may imagine." Richard Peabody
By the way Peabody was one of the first to state on the record that there was no cure for alcoholism. He had a big effect on Bill W as he was formulating Alcoholics Anonymous.
"I don't care if you like me or if you hate me as long as you're thinking about me." Stevie Seaweed.
Enough talk about me - what do you think about me?
KAOS was the archenemy of CONTROL, a secretive but inept government agency in "Get Smart."
Alcoholics love chaos. We've lived in worlds marked by chaos. So when we get sober at the start we're attracted to situations and people and places and things that keep the chaos rolling along. Calmness is boring. I'm not opposed to pain as long as I feel like I'm really living.
In other words . . . the shit that we get away with when we're starting out on our abnormal drinking careers start to catch up with us.
"Prevented by his habit from living a constructive life, he is unconsciously anxious to make a stir in the world, even though this stir is of a purely destructive nature. Anything is better than oblivion, and so all the fuss that is made about him, as well as the fact that he is a 'serious problem,' is not as distasteful to him as he may imagine." Richard Peabody
By the way Peabody was one of the first to state on the record that there was no cure for alcoholism. He had a big effect on Bill W as he was formulating Alcoholics Anonymous.
"I don't care if you like me or if you hate me as long as you're thinking about me." Stevie Seaweed.
Enough talk about me - what do you think about me?
KAOS was the archenemy of CONTROL, a secretive but inept government agency in "Get Smart."
Alcoholics love chaos. We've lived in worlds marked by chaos. So when we get sober at the start we're attracted to situations and people and places and things that keep the chaos rolling along. Calmness is boring. I'm not opposed to pain as long as I feel like I'm really living.
Thursday, May 23, 2019
Lobsters Dancing
Will you walk a little faster?" said a whiting to a snail,
"There's a porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail.
See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!
They are waiting on the shingle – will you come and join the dance?Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?
"You can really have no notion how delightful it will be
When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!"
But the snail replied "Too far, too far!" and gave a look askance —
Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the dance.
"What matters it how far we go?" his scaly friend replied.
"There is another shore, you know, upon the other side.
The further off from England the nearer is to France —
Then turn not pale, beloved snail, but come and join the dance.
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?
See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!
They are waiting on the shingle – will you come and join the dance?Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?
"You can really have no notion how delightful it will be
When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!"
But the snail replied "Too far, too far!" and gave a look askance —
Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the dance.
"What matters it how far we go?" his scaly friend replied.
"There is another shore, you know, upon the other side.
The further off from England the nearer is to France —
Then turn not pale, beloved snail, but come and join the dance.
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?
This has nothing to do with anything, this poem from "Alice in Wonderland" by Lewis Carrol (which isn't his real name, btw), but it struck my fancy this morning. And that's how it goes sometimes.
Wednesday, May 22, 2019
Buddhist Alcoholics Anonymous
"Drinking, or an isolated debauch, may follow a specific stimulation, but chronic alcoholism is a pathological method of life and not a mode of revenge, diversion, or even of suicide. The majority of men simply do not choose that means of facing their troubles or of ending their life. The majority of those who drank little or not at all were not in the least tempted by the drug. 'Will Power' rarely had anything to do with their abstinence."
Take that, you self-righteous bastards.
As I see it the main principle of a Buddhist existence is to help others, and if that is not possible, at least to do no harm. Boy, that's pretty basic. It's like saying: "I didn't kill anyone today - I'm a pretty good guy." Then again there's beauty in simplicity - if it's not complicated most reasons to avoid it are removed. Still, if I'm a mostly reformed bank robber I can do better. One armed robbery a week is better than three but there's room for improvement.
More Buddhism for y'all . . . .
The Ten Nonvirtures:
Physical: Killing, stealing, and sexual misconduct.
Verbal: Lying, divisive talk, harsh speech, and senseless chatter.
Mental: Covetousness, harmful intent, and wrong views.
Wrong: Incorrect or untrue.
Wrong: Immoral, not good, bad.
Those are too very different trails. I'm assuming The Buddha is talking about the second definition more so than the first.
Lot of vagueness in "harsh speech" and "senseless chatter," too. I believe I can avoid murder and theft today. I don't plan on lying or sowing the seeds of controversy by mining divisions I perceive in others (Hello? Don't egg an opponent on with political witticisms, no matter how delicious that can be.) I'm not crude in my language (fucking A, dude) and I don't go on and on and on about myself, sharing the excruciating minutia of my uneventful life.
But my intent, my purpose when I act or speak, or think? Whew. I usually behave pretty well and my speech is usually pretty good, too, but the purpose behind my thinking about you and by you I mean y'all that irritate me?
An assassin.
Take that, you self-righteous bastards.
As I see it the main principle of a Buddhist existence is to help others, and if that is not possible, at least to do no harm. Boy, that's pretty basic. It's like saying: "I didn't kill anyone today - I'm a pretty good guy." Then again there's beauty in simplicity - if it's not complicated most reasons to avoid it are removed. Still, if I'm a mostly reformed bank robber I can do better. One armed robbery a week is better than three but there's room for improvement.
More Buddhism for y'all . . . .
The Ten Nonvirtures:
Physical: Killing, stealing, and sexual misconduct.
Verbal: Lying, divisive talk, harsh speech, and senseless chatter.
Mental: Covetousness, harmful intent, and wrong views.
Wrong: Incorrect or untrue.
Wrong: Immoral, not good, bad.
Those are too very different trails. I'm assuming The Buddha is talking about the second definition more so than the first.
Lot of vagueness in "harsh speech" and "senseless chatter," too. I believe I can avoid murder and theft today. I don't plan on lying or sowing the seeds of controversy by mining divisions I perceive in others (Hello? Don't egg an opponent on with political witticisms, no matter how delicious that can be.) I'm not crude in my language (fucking A, dude) and I don't go on and on and on about myself, sharing the excruciating minutia of my uneventful life.
But my intent, my purpose when I act or speak, or think? Whew. I usually behave pretty well and my speech is usually pretty good, too, but the purpose behind my thinking about you and by you I mean y'all that irritate me?
An assassin.
Monday, May 20, 2019
That's Some Catch
"Single Minded Meditation: We must first stop external distractions through training in the morality of maintaining mindfulness and conscientiousness with regard to physical and verbal activities - being constantly aware of what you are doing with your body and your speech. Without overcoming these obvious distractions, it is impossible to overcome subtler internal distractions." The Dali Lama
So I can't just think what I want without regard to other people? Dammit. I can't behave however I want despite my certainty that my behavior is either right or justified?
“There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.
"That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed.
"It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed.”
If I want to be happy then I have to think about other people but when I think about other people it makes me unhappy. So if I think about them I'm doing the right thing but I'm unhappy. But if I don't think about them I'm happy but I'm not doing the right thing which make me unhappy. So my unhappiness with the lives of others means that I'm not doing the right thing because if I was doing the right thing I'd be really unhappy.
"That's some catch, that Catch-22," Seaweed mused.
"It's the best there is."
"Happy, Pappy?" Susan Biddle Ross
“It was miraculous. It was almost no trick at all, he saw, to turn vice into virtue and slander into truth, impotence into abstinence, arrogance into humility, plunder into philanthropy, thievery into honor, blasphemy into wisdom, brutality into patriotism, and sadism into justice. Anybody could do it; it required no brains at all. It merely required no character.”
Remember: it's not a lie if you believe it." George Costanza
Tolerance: An acceptance of or tolerance of the beliefs, opinions, or practises of others.
Intolerance: Indisposed to tolerate contrary opinions or beliefs; denying or refusing the right of private opinion or choice in others.
I'm not going to go into it right now.
So I can't just think what I want without regard to other people? Dammit. I can't behave however I want despite my certainty that my behavior is either right or justified?
“There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.
"That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed.
"It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed.”
If I want to be happy then I have to think about other people but when I think about other people it makes me unhappy. So if I think about them I'm doing the right thing but I'm unhappy. But if I don't think about them I'm happy but I'm not doing the right thing which make me unhappy. So my unhappiness with the lives of others means that I'm not doing the right thing because if I was doing the right thing I'd be really unhappy.
"That's some catch, that Catch-22," Seaweed mused.
"It's the best there is."
"Happy, Pappy?" Susan Biddle Ross
“It was miraculous. It was almost no trick at all, he saw, to turn vice into virtue and slander into truth, impotence into abstinence, arrogance into humility, plunder into philanthropy, thievery into honor, blasphemy into wisdom, brutality into patriotism, and sadism into justice. Anybody could do it; it required no brains at all. It merely required no character.”
Remember: it's not a lie if you believe it." George Costanza
Tolerance: An acceptance of or tolerance of the beliefs, opinions, or practises of others.
Intolerance: Indisposed to tolerate contrary opinions or beliefs; denying or refusing the right of private opinion or choice in others.
I'm not going to go into it right now.
The D of L
"It is important to diminish undisciplined states of mind, but it is even more important to meet adversity with a positive attitude. By greeting trouble with optimism and hope, you are undermining worse troubles down the line. Beyond that, imagine that you are easing the burden of everyone suffering problems of that kind. This practice - imagining that by accepting your pain you are using up the negative karma of everyone destined to feel such pain - is very helpful." The Dali Lama
Wednesday, May 15, 2019
The I.R.S.
I've been sober for almost 32 years. I've been alive for over 62. I have not been a total asshole for a decent percentage of both of those spans. I have some experience at life and I have managed to put good spiritual principles to effective use to help me cope with all kinds of life events, good ones and bad ones - or should I say pleasant ones and painful ones. Alcoholics Anonymous has provided me with a ton of simple slogans and mottoes to help me sort out the pleasure and the pain, to condense my reactions into something practical and easy to remember. Keep it Simple. One Day at a Time. This, Too, Shall Pass. And one of the biggies: It's All God's Money, Anyhow.
Sometimes when I'm repeating this stuff to someone who is under stress I feel a little sheepish. There's nothing worse than hearing a tidy little aphorism when you're suffering, especially when it's coming from someone who doesn't have a lot of crap on their plate. I have a lot of dessert on my plate, frankly, so I'm careful telling a friend who is under financial duress that "It's all god's money, anyhow. If he wants some of it god is just going to take it." That doesn't mean that I don't have a responsibility to be fiscally prudent but rather that whether I end up with some money or some more money or very little money is often out of my hands. There are a lot of forces swirling around out there.
I had a buddy who was going through a divorce recently. His wife was trying to get her hands on some of his money - unreasonably, it seemed to me. I could see he was doing all the right things, behaving well, with no assurance that he wasn't going to get took some. "It's all god's money, anyhow," I'd say, they duck a right cross.
Yesterday I got a letter in the mail from the IRS. The Internal Revenue Service. I briefly reflected on the name, wondering if there is an External Revenue Service.
Service: An act of being of assistance to someone. (Ed. Note: Oh, for chrissake.)
I opened the letter and saw a payment stub with a non-stamped, self-addressed envelope. The amount due read: $31,517.
I'm sorting this out. I think some of it is a service error on the part of the IRS but I'm guessing I made some honest mistakes on my return. After all, the U.S. tax code and associated regulations contain about 5.4 million words, seven times as many as the Bible. I couldn't cheat if I wanted to and even though I want to I try not to. Practice these principles in all my affairs, to coin a phrase.
I had to laugh thinking about my friend. If he had told me that "it's all god's money, anyhow" yesterday I think I'd be running from the law today.
Sometimes when I'm repeating this stuff to someone who is under stress I feel a little sheepish. There's nothing worse than hearing a tidy little aphorism when you're suffering, especially when it's coming from someone who doesn't have a lot of crap on their plate. I have a lot of dessert on my plate, frankly, so I'm careful telling a friend who is under financial duress that "It's all god's money, anyhow. If he wants some of it god is just going to take it." That doesn't mean that I don't have a responsibility to be fiscally prudent but rather that whether I end up with some money or some more money or very little money is often out of my hands. There are a lot of forces swirling around out there.
I had a buddy who was going through a divorce recently. His wife was trying to get her hands on some of his money - unreasonably, it seemed to me. I could see he was doing all the right things, behaving well, with no assurance that he wasn't going to get took some. "It's all god's money, anyhow," I'd say, they duck a right cross.
Yesterday I got a letter in the mail from the IRS. The Internal Revenue Service. I briefly reflected on the name, wondering if there is an External Revenue Service.
Service: An act of being of assistance to someone. (Ed. Note: Oh, for chrissake.)
I opened the letter and saw a payment stub with a non-stamped, self-addressed envelope. The amount due read: $31,517.
I'm sorting this out. I think some of it is a service error on the part of the IRS but I'm guessing I made some honest mistakes on my return. After all, the U.S. tax code and associated regulations contain about 5.4 million words, seven times as many as the Bible. I couldn't cheat if I wanted to and even though I want to I try not to. Practice these principles in all my affairs, to coin a phrase.
I had to laugh thinking about my friend. If he had told me that "it's all god's money, anyhow" yesterday I think I'd be running from the law today.
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