Maybe I'm Just Annoying?

"I am responsible for what I say, but I am not responsible for what you hear."

Toltecs

Have you  ever heard of the concept of The Smoky Mirror?  It refers to the filters that we all have when we're viewing reality.  Whatever we see is distorted by our own beliefs and ideas, or our preconditioned point of view.  This helps me to see my prejudices and it also helps in my relationships with other people.  Am I dealing with the person I see or am I working through a thick haze of smoke, trying to penetrate their belief systems to see what's really going on?  Is it me or is it a show? 

Showtime!

I've come to believe that different people need different things from me.  Or from other people.  I used to have a One Size Fits All approach to life - this is what I like to give and this is what I like to receive and you damn well better fit into this approach.  Remember the square peg in the round hole?  Remember the big hammer?  Remember the sledgehammer?  I have a young guy who texts me almost every day and he almost always says "I love you!" and sometimes this is all he says.  I have other friends who respond to half of my texts.  I don't reply to every text the guy sends me - it's not my preferred form of communication and it's enough with the "I love you!" crap already.  So when my other buddies don't respond to my texts each and every time I don't get my feelings hurt and I'm not upset that I'm always the one who starts the texting chain . . . but, come to think of it, maybe I'm just annoying and that's why they don't respond hmmmm?  Whatever, dude, going to keep doing it.  With my A.A. daughter I believe that when I check in that it's a reminder that someone is thinking about her which is not something she could rely on from her homeless, drug addict real dad before she came into Alcoholics Anonymous.  I don't have to be specific with my emotions or my intentions - it's letting her know someone is paying attention, someone has her best interests in mind.

And I know that those of us who are very self-sufficient can get bent over backwards when - as is going to happen from time to time - a whole swath of tough, painful things, stuff that we could easily handle one at a time, hit us all at once.  This is why it's important to keep those lines of communication open - we don't know when communicating is going to be critical.

What a Jerk

When I was in my early 20s, still stinging from my great failure and ignominious ejection from Optometry College I talked my two best friends in the world - brothers - into making a drug and alcohol-fueled road trip from Ohio across the country to California and back.  I need to stipulate that it was me who was being fueled by drugs and alcohol.  I was digging through some old pictures to share with these guys - still my two best friends in the world - and I can confirm that in every instance I was clearly drunk and/or stoned.  There was often alcohol in the picture.  I listened to a man talk recently about trying to hide his cocaine habit from his loved ones.  He thought he was successful in his subterfuge.  Pshaw.  I was fooling precisely no one and neither was he.

One set of photos detailed a hiking/camping trip that we took on a coastal trail north of San Francisco.  I have no doubt that this was my idea because it was rash and poorly conceived.  We are clearly not prepared for camping in this environment.  After many miles we reached the beautiful campsite right on the Pacific Ocean.  Our plan was to put a tarp on the ground and climb into our sleeping bags after heating up some water on a grill for our freeze-dried meals.  The wind was blowing a gale.  There were bear poles at each site so your food could be stored out of any ursine reach. We were getting vaguely worried, out of our element, all the other sites were equipped with harsh weather tents and were up and thriving.   We struggled to get the coals lit and then to heat the water which -  after a while - turned a gorgeous smoky brown, clearly unfit for human consumption.  We peered at the water for a while, our brains struggling to accept the scope of the unfolding tragedy, until one of the brothers said: "So . . . we outta here?"  One of the greatest lines ever uttered in my presence.  We did manage to make it back to our car, night falling quickly as we hustled to gain shelter before it became pitch black . . . in bear country . . . taking a much shorter route but one that climbed and descended a series of ridges on the return trip.

I don't think I carried in alcohol but I was packing drugs.  The older brother really lit into me when we made it back to the car and deservedly so.  This was typical of my life then and can still be today - impulsive, controlling, oblivious, driving myself and everyone around me relentlessly forward with scant thought of the consequences or the wishes of anyone else.  I wanted to blast down the road like a bat out of hell to a new place each night and to run myself ragged doing so, unconcerned about the welfare of anyone else.  It's not like I didn't care about them - it's that I wanted to do what I wanted to do and it was my job to convince you to follow my lead, often stupid and ill-conceived.  Self!  Most of my memories reveal trying to get what I wanted and to force you into line behind me.  Once again: good intentions, crappy actions.  I sincerely wanted you to be happy, too, but I wanted you to be happy following my lead.

So much of my pre-A.A. life reveals a boy/man who wanted his own way.  I was the actor trying to control the set, the dialogue, the actions of all my fellow actors.   Everything would be great if you did what I wanted!

There was another instance on this trip where I fell asleep in the car as we drove through the night from Las Vegas to Los Angeles, too drunk and high to take my turn at the wheel as we had decided to brave the desert drive at night when the temperature was lower in our car with no air conditioning.  When we arrived at a campsite the next morning I pitched a bitch because it was a dusty, crowded place still on the fringes of the desert.  My buddy took my head off that morning, too.  Man, was I a jerk.  You drive all night by yourself AND find a campsite by yourself that meets my specifications  Man, what selfish prick I was.

"Whenever you classify something as 'good' or 'bad' you stop looking at it with an open mind."

Toltecs.

A God or The God?

One of my favorite movies is "Groundhog Day" starring Bill Murray.  Oddly enough given the cast of comedic actors the message is very spiritual.  The premise is that Murray's character is a self-absorbed prick who is in Puxatawny to report on Groundhog Day and he gets stuck in a time loop where every day starts out with him reliving Groundhog Day.  Nothing he does seems to change this so he starts to engage in self-absorbed activities: drug use, crime, manipulative sex and is dismayed to find out that each day gets more and more frustrating and banal.  He starts committing suicide to no lasting effect - he wakes up again on Groundhog Day.  He finally confesses to a coworker that he might be God.  She's skeptical.  He says: "I didn't say I was the God - maybe I'm just a God."  He doesn't think he's omnipotent just that he's been around for a long, long time.

Don't we all feel that way from time to time?  That we're God?  I do.  In fact, I feel that way almost all of the time.  I think any wisdom I may have accumulated isn't because I'm wise but rather that I've done stupid things so many times, over and over again, that I finally figure out that I shouldn't do these stupid things.  Does that sound like wisdom?  Or does it sound like the reaction a chipmunk would have if you shocked it every time it touched its food dish?  You wouldn't call the chipmunk wise - you'd say it got tired of getting shocked   Maybe I'm not even a God.  Maybe I'm a chipmunk.

So the character begins to behave generously.  He takes thousands of Groundhog Days to learn how to play the  piano and he helps a homeless guy and he buys tons of insurance from an annoying agent.  Things turn out well.  Eventually, he wakes up and it's Groundhog Day plus one and he's escaped the loop and re-entered linear time and all is well, all is well, all is well.

I'm not sure at the moment whether the point is to encourage all of us to good behavior or to convince everyone that I'm a God.

This and That

I pinged my A.A. daughter a few days ago just to check in.  A while back I told her that she was a terrible Millennial because she never texted me.  "Eh," she quipped.  "I just wait for you to text me."  THIS is why I love this girl.  Anyway, the text landed at the right time because she had gotten an update on her real father - homeless, with no real desire to change - that she found upsetting.  Smart woman that she is she did the right things and worked through it.  I think my text helped but the work is hers to do or not to do.  I reflect and share my belief that your mother and father are your mother and father - good behavior or bad behavior, close relationship or not, intimate connection or distant - and it's not possible to be non-reactive in a manner that's healthy emotionally.  They're your parents.  I know when my mom died my grief was pretty muted even though I was a mama's boy - I was on good terms with her and I didn't have anything left unsaid or any behavior I needed to have corrected.  My alcoholic, emotionally distant, impatient and volatile father, however, passed and I suffered when it happened.  Part of me wondered if I couldn't have applied the tools I learned in my recovery life to have been more understanding.  Who knows?  The point is that we're connected with our birth parents and that's that, nothin' you can do about it.

There's a boy at the meeting who is about the right age to be my son. He is the nicest, kindest man you could ever hope to meet.  He takes everything to heart, makes everything his fault, and feels it deeply, deeply, deeply.  I try to tell him every time I see him what a special person I think he is.  I think he needs this feedback.  He stands there and looks at me like I've tased him.  Such an easy kindness on my part!  Such an easy gift to give and a heartfelt one at that!

I got a text before the meeting yesterday from the guy I know who expresses a little too much interest and lavishes a little too much attention on the younger women in The Program.  His actual behavior has been okay but I've never approved of it.  I don't think that kind of attention to women is helpful in the long run - at the very least it keeps them from interacting with . .  . you know . . . other women - and I can't imagine that there is a subtext that stresses out his relationship with his wife, despite his insistence that he loves her deeply and is deeply committed to her.  SuperK is completely understanding when I share something about my A.A. daughter but she also finds it irritating from time to time.  Completely understandable.  It makes me peer at my behavior very closely.  Sometimes it's not the behavior but the fact that it is attention I've giving to someone else and not to her.  Yesterday we picked up a floor mat at the car dealer, had lunch, and did a little outlet mall shopping.  It was fun and it was with my wife.  It didn't have to be a huge extravaganza - it just needed to be something between the two of us.

Just Another Big-Ass House

I used to deal with the world in a transactional fashion - if I gave I wanted to get.  I became annoyed and enraged if I did something for someone and it wasn't reciprocated in a manner that pleased me.  And I expected that others would think about me before I thought about them.  That was the hallmark of a "winner."  Getting without giving, Hoo Boy, that was some sweet shit.  Today?  Not so much.  I work diligently at giving with the critical caveat that I should have no expectation of return.  I tell people that you can make me happier but it's hard to make me sadder.  I send out a text.  If you reply I feel good - if you don't .  . . maybe you're busy, maybe you forgot, maybe I'm no big deal in your world.  All good.  I've learned - most of the time - to give generously.

So then there's my sister . . .  I do not today and have never had a close relationship with my sister, my only living blood relative.  My sister is a perfectly fine human being.  My sister values status and appearance and she often has a blunt, somewhat insensitive manner.  She is much more attached to these things than I am and her irritation when I've succeeded in these areas is pretty obvious.  In my opinion it's as important to her to have more than you as it is to have something.  To compound her bedevilments, she married a brilliant man and kept working while he went back to school (s) so that he could get advanced degrees, and then watched in frustration as he puttered around and never made much of a success of himself in the business world.  Business requires a healthy amount of competitiveness.  In The States we don't have capitalism - we have Brute Capitalism.  It's the lions versus the gladiators.  He didn't have that kind of fight.  In the academic world you studied hard and rose in the class rankings.  In business, you tried to kill your opponent and take his women and castles, metaphorically speaking.

Anyway, one day he came home and said he'd quit his corporate attorney job and never really had any financial success after that, so my sister had to go back to work so they could afford health insurance, which indicated to me some strains in their finances.  All of this is none of my business and I've kept my nose way, way out of it.  We've never been in touch on a regular basis and this has only become more pronounced as we get older.  I don't think she really likes me.  I'm sure she loves me but I think I irritate her with my lifestyle.  I'm quite happy to report I don't really care - I try not to wave anything in her face but if I irritate her that's on her.

Anyway, they finally retired, sold their Big Ass house, and moved to a warmer climate.  I assume that a lot of the money to do this came from the gains accrued from the appreciation in their Big Ass house.  Good for them.  Downsize, simplify, detach somewhat from the need to keep up with the Joneses.  Because her birthday is coming up I asked for their new address and - curious - took a look at the house they bought.  Holy Mother of God, it's a huge four bedroom house with a big sun porch and a hot tub and a pool on a good-sized lot.  Their children are long gone and they don't know anyone in their new state.  I mean - WTF? Right?  I confess to a little penis envy right out of the chute - I want a Big Ass house, too, yeah? - but then I started doing the calculus.  How do you furnish a place that big?  Who's cleaning it?  Who's cutting the grass and maintaining the landscaping?  How much does it cost to heat and cool that place?

Mostly, I'm pleased to be free from all of that grasping and accumulating.  That is one of the miracles of my recovery - to enjoy what I have without needing more and without trying to top anyone else.

The last time I visited home I didn't tell my sister.  I wonder under what circumstances I'll see her again?

Stealing From Monks

I told SuperK this morning that one of her greatest gifts to me was letting me be who I am.  I can't imagine this is always easy.  I'm not a person who behaves in a conventional manner.  This must be irritating to a much more normal, conventional person.  I believe that a relationship goes through a few phases.  First, when you're falling in love you can overlook aspects of the other person you don't care for because you're in the thrall.  Then, after a while, shit starts to irritate you so the natural inclination is to try to change the other person, to mold them into the person you'd like them to be.  I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing - SuperK showed me that there were times to be unconventional but that sometimes that could hurt my chances when I was in a more conventional situation.  But then comes the critical point: letting the other person be their own authentic self.  This requires tremendous personal, spiritual growth.  SuperK talks about coming to the realization that I was just being me and that it didn't reflect on who she was.

We were in Japan several years ago in a city that has a lot of famous shrines and monasteries.  I asked a local guide about one of the most famous sites.  He said: "If you want to go there I'd suggest getting a guidebook - these are written by people who have done a lot of research and know more about that shrine than I'll ever know.  However, if you want to get a little off the beaten track . . .  " and then he suggested a few less well-known temples.  Wow, I'll forever be grateful that he did that.  We took a taxi to this big complex and walked inside, free to explore on our own.  We kind of stumbled around for a minute until one of the staff who spoke a little English noticed that we were lost and offered to ferry us around.  She was so great - she'd explain the importance of a room or exhibit and then she'd stand there quietly while we absorbed it all.  If we took a minute, she waited for a minute.  If we needed five minutes, she waited for five minutes.  She did not talk after her initial explanation unless we had a question.  At the end of the complex she bowed politely and dissolved into the background.  There was an older monk sitting at a table with some literature laid out in the final room - this guy looked like he was a monk right out of central casting: orange robe, shaved head, big, thick glasses, beatific smile on his face.  We chatted with him for a minute and then he said: "I think, right now, you are the happiest couple in the world."  Well, yeah, we bought a book after that comment.  He took a minute to inscribe something inscrutable on the inside cover and then we were off.

In The States I'd have chalked that up to some sales bullshit from someone trying to sell me something but in this environment I believe that man saw something in how we carried ourselves and spoke a truth.  Sometimes it's hard to hear a compliment.  I'm a suspicious, paranoid guy by nature, often suspecting some kind of jive or angle.  But, you know, I do believe that if you work The Steps and live a spiritual life then you start to give off an aura.  People feel your peace, they sense it, and it makes them feel calm and good.  I believe this monk has so trained his mind that he has a great intuitive feel for peace and calm and good intentions.

Oh, yeah, I shoplifted some shit from the monastery.  That monk was a sucker.  I know an easy mark when I see one.

Man, Is the Boat Guy in my Head

When I don't know what to do I don't do anything.  I cannot TELL you how difficult a skill this has been for me to learn.  I'm a charge-into-the-future kind of guy.  I like to make shit HAPPEN and the fact that sometimes I don't know what to do rarely impedes me.

I like the analogy of a canoe on a river.  I would take my canoe and put it in the water and start to paddle furiously upstream because that's where I wanted to go.  It just never occurred to me to turn the canoe around and go downstream and see what was around the bend.  In other words if I have a round peg and there's a square hole I go get a huge hammer and pound on that goddamn stupid peg until it's in the fucking hole.  THAT'S problem solving.  There's nothing that can't be fixed with a bigger hammer.  That's why we have sledgehammers.

"When we ask for guidance, instead of direct results, the right path always seems to unveil itself."

The Grapevine

"We may believe that by thinking of the problem, we are working on a resolution.  But we are really only dwelling on the futility of the problem.  It's only when we are released from worry that we can see solutions clearly.  How can I free myself from worry's constraints?"  Unknown writer.

"Physical fear is a natural reaction to a clear and present danger.  Irrational fear triggers that same physical reaction, but there is no actual physical danger present.  The main causes of irrational fear come from making assumptions or projecting about some future event."  The Toltecs

Funny how when I do the legwork that suggestions and possible solutions to problems pop up.  The above passages seemed appropriate to me as I make the Boat Guy a bigger problem than he really is.  How important is it in the big picture?  This is not that important but I naturally tend to worry that it's going to get worse or it's never going to end and that any possible solution is going to end up in an angry confrontation.  

"Projecting some future event," indeed.

When I keep my mind open - vis-a-vis the Boat Guy, for instance, these little reminders pop up and help out.