The Tony Morgan

"Ask yourself the most important question: 'Who am I?' "  Who you are is who you are at the center.  The answer is beyond all knowledge and cannot be expressed in words.  Meditate on this today."

Things go better for me when I'm honestly looking at myself.  Sometimes I have trouble with the "honestly" part.  Sometimes I need voices from outside my own head to chime in.  Others can see my self-righteous dishonesty without prejudice.  Who likes to admit to being a jerk?  And sometimes I'm fully aware of my defects and just don't give a shit.

An example: when I was finally getting on my feet financially - I'd like to say "back on my feet" but I had never been anywhere near on my feet - I was pleased to be able to buy some clothes that didn't make me look like a schizophrenic drug addict listening to eerie, ominous voices audible only inside his own head.  Not Saks Fifth Avenue clothes - Eddie Bauer clothes, Lands End clothes.  Not fancy stuff, just adult-ish stuff, reasonable looking, no tears or rips or stains.  Anyway I bought this lightweight vest.  I still have it.  The quality is excellent, it's water-resistant and lightweight which makes it great for traveling, it has a little bit of style.  Not long after I bought the jacket I wore it to a meeting.  Across the room what did I see but a friend wearing the exact same vest.  Here's the thing: he was not an especially fit friend and he looked kind of like an over-stuffed sausage in the vest.  He did not flatter the vest, the very same vest I was wearing, and  I'm not saying I was rocking the vest but I looked better in it than he did.  For a moment I felt like going outside and stuffing my vest into a garbage can.  He had ruined the spoils of war that I had finally begun accumulating.

As I said I still have the vest.  I don't begrudge Stuffed Sausage Guy his vest, either, and I hope he still has it.  As I continue to judge my spiritual progress or lack of I'll share the fact that the vest has long had a name - The Johnny Morgan - and it is always and only called The Tony Morgan as in: "Hey, SuperK, have you seen The Tony Morgan?"  "Yes, The Tony Morgan is in the wash."  That kind of fairly gossipy humor.

Still makes me laugh, though.

I'm trying to get better.  I'm better than I was.

"Life has every right to say no to our endeavors.  We are judging and rejecting ourselves before life has had a chance to express a choice.  This self-rejection stops us from living the life of our dreams and keeps us trapped in disillusionment.  When life says no to us, as it inevitably will sometimes, we respect that choice also, without self-judgment." 

Angry Guy V Inappropriate Guy

I have a friend in A.A. who has a temper.  It's a guy, naturally, and I'm talking about quite the temper.  Take a swing at you, scream obscenities kind of temper.  Scary temper.  I've watched him make great progress in his recovery, so much so that he now works as an intake counselor at a drug rehab center.  Early in his journey he threatened a coworker at his place of employment and was promptly fired - even though he didn't carry through on his threat his company had a policy of no violence, actual or implied.  Kind of unbelievable that companies have to actually make a policy like that.  It doesn't speak very well of the society we live in.  Anyway, he paid the price, learned from it, and has continued to grow.  For a while - quite a while - I'd usually ask him how he was doing with his anger management.  He reported in but I didn't think he especially appreciated the nudges.  It's almost as if I was saying: "How's it going, you fuck-up?"  But we're close enough that I felt comfortable poking at his sore spots, at his deficiencies and defects, and he was savvy enough to listen.

At the meeting yesterday he came into the kitchen area as the meeting was getting underway where I was waiting for the kettle to boil and provide me with hot water for my tea - cursed secretary made coffee but didn't take care of the tea drinkers, curse her, although does any red-blooded A.A. member really trust anyone who chooses tea over coffee? - and he was boiling mad.  He overheard one of our other members make a couple of jokes that he thought were disrespectful to women.  This guy has also made a ton of progress in his recovery but his jokes are sometimes funny and sometimes they make me wince a little.  Not terribly inappropriate but not what you'd like to see in someone growing spiritually.  Early on this guy talked a lot about money and women, clearly reliving what he thought were past successes in the money and and sex department to someone who could not have cared less.  Anyway Temper Guy got in Inappropriate Guy's face about the comments.  My job, I thought, was just to get Temper Guy to calm down.  Which I did, so hooray for me!  Temper Guy then said: OK.  I need to make amends" which pretty much floored me.

I like to see this kind of progression, this kind of growth.  While I was happy he didn't take a swing at Inappropriate Guy he coulda kept his mouth shut.  Progress is incremental and it can be painfully slow.  Next time maybe he'll throw down a slew of curses mentally while keeping quiet.  The goal, of course, is not to react with anger at all.  Lofty goal, indeed.  The funny thing is that Inappropriate Guy took the amends well and 'fessed up to some maybe, kinda, not-so-great behavior on his part.  So what do I know?  While I do believe that kindness and positive reinforcement work best most of the time sometimes we need to have someone point out clearly bad behavior.  Maybe my gentle tolerance for the off-color stories was interpreted as tacit agreement or acceptance of the behavior.  Maybe some direct commentary, honest, face-to-face, was necessary.

At Costco yesterday I was waiting - with my turn signal on - for traffic to clear so I could enter one of the lanes running between the parking spaces when the guy behind me sounded his horn.  First of all, never go to Costco on Friday, which is apparently their busy day.  Actually, that's it - there's no second of all.  There is a point, however, which I may or may not get to eventually.  Here's the action: SuperK said: "Did that guy just beep at you?" and then we both burst out laughing.  Old Seaweed has grown, too, from someone who would have stood on his horn while flashing the bird to someone who would have left his horn dormant while cursing mightily to someone who laughed merrily.  This was not easily attained behavior.  This took time.

My Little Man's an Idiot

"Facts are stubborn things."

John Adams

"Ain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And ain't that a big enough majority in any town?
Huck Finn

I got a text yesterday from a friend in The Program - a friend who is not effusive in their emotions - asking about the wisdom of sponsoring a person of the opposite sex.  The conventional wisdom is that this is not a great idea.  We can have good intentions and still allow attention from - in some world, in some life - someone who might be a possible mate to sway us and color our emotions.  I work like Hercules trying to stay neutral when I'm dealing with another person and I try to stay neutral even though I have a strong opinion and even though I'm a genius who is always right and should be appointed The Supreme Leader of the Universe and of All Its Many Life Forms.  That would be a tough thing to fit on my name tag but I still like it.  My M.O. is to ask questions, to refer back to a passage or story in The Big Book that might apply, to encourage the uncertain questioner to get feedback from lot of other alcoholics and to sit quietly, listen to that small, still voice.  My desire to run The Show, to tell other people how to behave, to imply that I have All The Answers can overwhelm my Intentions.

There's a Seinfeld episode where George is struggling with a decision and Kramer tells him to listen to the Little Man inside - what is the Little Man saying?  George: "My Little Man doesn't know.  (Comedic pause.)  Ahhhh, my Little Man's an idiot!"

Yes.  My Little Man can be an idiot, too.

Then, because my Morning Meditation currently includes a story out of the latest Grapevine, I read this: "I don't actually know what's best for anyone else.  That's my ego.  It says what's right for me is right for all.  How freeing this knowledge is, this wisdom.  I, an alcoholic, have had a spiritual awakening as the result of working A.A.'s Twelve Steps, one which gives me a very good sober life.  That doesn't mean I need to tell anyone else what they should do.  How scary, too, to my ego at least. It means simply being available for a fellow alcoholic, rather than being in command or control.  It means a lot of letting go."

All Over the Place This Morning :)

 "Remember - you are not a helpless bystander to the tyranny of your mind.  By becoming aware of your thoughts you can help set the tone for your day and night. "                                                             The Toltecs

You have given your mind free reign to do whatever it wants for so long that it won't give this control up easily.  Minds are made to think so when we try to redirect them onto a calmer, more peaceful track they're not happy about it.  They resist.  They push back.  They shove back.

We give people what they need and not what they want, not what we want them to need.

How about today we say nice things to everyone we run into?  Come up with something nice, something complimentary, something to let that person know that you see them and appreciate them.  I'll tell you it's a lot easier than being a prick.

"We ought to hear at least one little song every day, read a good poem, see a first-rate painting, and if possible speak a few sensible words."                                                                                                  Von Goethe     

Some people need a lot of attention and some people don't.  How about today we let the independent folks do their thing, chalking up any silence or distance as their modus operandi, while lavishing some extra time on those who process the events of their lives by sharing with others?  I'll tell you that it's harder to deal with those who are on the opposite end of the spectrum.

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself - it's thinking of yourself less."                                                 C.S. Lewis

"Humility is the quality of having a modest, accurate view of one's own importance, accompanied by a lack of pride and an openness to others."

"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom."                                         Proverbs 11:2

Meet Them at the Door, Laughing

 This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in. 

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

This is a poem by the Sufi mystic poet Rumi that I heard for the first time while doing a guided meditation.  Mostly I sit quietly when I meditate but sometimes I listen to a teacher.  Sometimes I'm too energized and distracted to sit quietly and I need some guidance.

What a great poem!  Once again I learn that it's all okay, it's all part of the journey, I can learn something from everything.  When I try to control the outcomes and the circumstances - always pleasant and always in my favor, of course (More money! More sex!! More power!!!) - my day turns to shit, it becomes an exercise of wrestling with Existential Dread, afraid I'm not going to get what I want or that I'm going to lose whatever I already have.  I cannot stress enough the misery that this flavor of life approach brings to me.  I cannot believe that I once thought I had that kind of power over my life.  I'm the guy being tossed out of my canoe and into the rapids of a raging, rock-filled river, all the while saying: "OK, I'm going to manage this.  I'm not going to swallow any water and I'm going to avoid all the rocks," all of this happening as I'm smashing into the rocks and swallowing river water.  But when I open my arms and welcome life's occasional bullshit into my life I'm much more relaxed and serene.  OK, I never open up my arms but at least I'm not slamming the door shut on my troubles.  I say it often and I'll say it again - I'm more content when I look at things as pleasant and painful and not as good or bad.  Who knows what lessons I'm going to learn from my annoying guests?  

Come on in, teachers.

And a special thanks this morning to Spandex who shared his oh-so-temporary troubles with me last night and graciously listened to me say, with great wisdom and perspective: "Fuck if I know what you should do.  Good luck with all that."  I guess my wisdom is that if I simply listen with attention then the talker will eventually figure out what to do all on their own by listening to their own words, in their own voice.  How many times have I been sharing something only to think: "I should shut up - I sound crazy."

"To maintain your opinion, do you need to ignore or defy other people's opinions or disregard new information that's come to light?  With awareness, say to yourself: 'As a Toltec hunter, I will notice when I start to struggle, so I may see the illusion I am trying to hold on to.  Once recognized, I vow to let it go with ease and grace.' "

Maybe I'm Just Annoying?

"I am responsible for what I say, but I am not responsible for what you hear."

Toltecs

Have you  ever heard of the concept of The Smoky Mirror?  It refers to the filters that we all have when we're viewing reality.  Whatever we see is distorted by our own beliefs and ideas, or our preconditioned point of view.  This helps me to see my prejudices and it also helps in my relationships with other people.  Am I dealing with the person I see or am I working through a thick haze of smoke, trying to penetrate their belief systems to see what's really going on?  Is it me or is it a show? 

Showtime!

I've come to believe that different people need different things from me.  Or from other people.  I used to have a One Size Fits All approach to life - this is what I like to give and this is what I like to receive and you damn well better fit into this approach.  Remember the square peg in the round hole?  Remember the big hammer?  Remember the sledgehammer?  I have a young guy who texts me almost every day and he almost always says "I love you!" and sometimes this is all he says.  I have other friends who respond to half of my texts.  I don't reply to every text the guy sends me - it's not my preferred form of communication and it's enough with the "I love you!" crap already.  So when my other buddies don't respond to my texts each and every time I don't get my feelings hurt and I'm not upset that I'm always the one who starts the texting chain . . . but, come to think of it, maybe I'm just annoying and that's why they don't respond hmmmm?  Whatever, dude, going to keep doing it.  With my A.A. daughter I believe that when I check in that it's a reminder that someone is thinking about her which is not something she could rely on from her homeless, drug addict real dad before she came into Alcoholics Anonymous.  I don't have to be specific with my emotions or my intentions - it's letting her know someone is paying attention, someone has her best interests in mind.

And I know that those of us who are very self-sufficient can get bent over backwards when - as is going to happen from time to time - a whole swath of tough, painful things, stuff that we could easily handle one at a time, hit us all at once.  This is why it's important to keep those lines of communication open - we don't know when communicating is going to be critical.

What a Jerk

When I was in my early 20s, still stinging from my great failure and ignominious ejection from Optometry College I talked my two best friends in the world - brothers - into making a drug and alcohol-fueled road trip from Ohio across the country to California and back.  I need to stipulate that it was me who was being fueled by drugs and alcohol.  I was digging through some old pictures to share with these guys - still my two best friends in the world - and I can confirm that in every instance I was clearly drunk and/or stoned.  There was often alcohol in the picture.  I listened to a man talk recently about trying to hide his cocaine habit from his loved ones.  He thought he was successful in his subterfuge.  Pshaw.  I was fooling precisely no one and neither was he.

One set of photos detailed a hiking/camping trip that we took on a coastal trail north of San Francisco.  I have no doubt that this was my idea because it was rash and poorly conceived.  We are clearly not prepared for camping in this environment.  After many miles we reached the beautiful campsite right on the Pacific Ocean.  Our plan was to put a tarp on the ground and climb into our sleeping bags after heating up some water on a grill for our freeze-dried meals.  The wind was blowing a gale.  There were bear poles at each site so your food could be stored out of any ursine reach. We were getting vaguely worried, out of our element, all the other sites were equipped with harsh weather tents and were up and thriving.   We struggled to get the coals lit and then to heat the water which -  after a while - turned a gorgeous smoky brown, clearly unfit for human consumption.  We peered at the water for a while, our brains struggling to accept the scope of the unfolding tragedy, until one of the brothers said: "So . . . we outta here?"  One of the greatest lines ever uttered in my presence.  We did manage to make it back to our car, night falling quickly as we hustled to gain shelter before it became pitch black . . . in bear country . . . taking a much shorter route but one that climbed and descended a series of ridges on the return trip.

I don't think I carried in alcohol but I was packing drugs.  The older brother really lit into me when we made it back to the car and deservedly so.  This was typical of my life then and can still be today - impulsive, controlling, oblivious, driving myself and everyone around me relentlessly forward with scant thought of the consequences or the wishes of anyone else.  I wanted to blast down the road like a bat out of hell to a new place each night and to run myself ragged doing so, unconcerned about the welfare of anyone else.  It's not like I didn't care about them - it's that I wanted to do what I wanted to do and it was my job to convince you to follow my lead, often stupid and ill-conceived.  Self!  Most of my memories reveal trying to get what I wanted and to force you into line behind me.  Once again: good intentions, crappy actions.  I sincerely wanted you to be happy, too, but I wanted you to be happy following my lead.

So much of my pre-A.A. life reveals a boy/man who wanted his own way.  I was the actor trying to control the set, the dialogue, the actions of all my fellow actors.   Everything would be great if you did what I wanted!

There was another instance on this trip where I fell asleep in the car as we drove through the night from Las Vegas to Los Angeles, too drunk and high to take my turn at the wheel as we had decided to brave the desert drive at night when the temperature was lower in our car with no air conditioning.  When we arrived at a campsite the next morning I pitched a bitch because it was a dusty, crowded place still on the fringes of the desert.  My buddy took my head off that morning, too.  Man, was I a jerk.  You drive all night by yourself AND find a campsite by yourself that meets my specifications  Man, what selfish prick I was.

"Whenever you classify something as 'good' or 'bad' you stop looking at it with an open mind."

Toltecs.