Sin and Mercy

". . . we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt."

Big Book P. 62

My old view of God was based on the concepts of sin and mercy.  If I did something wrong I "sinned" and if I was forgiven it was an act of "mercy."  If I did something wrong and was unrepentant then God would punish me and if I did something good and didn't revel in it too much then God would reward me.  Pretty, pretty, pretty harsh.

I went to my local - shop?  It's not a barber shop?  It's not a beauty shop?  Fuck if I know what to call it? - to get my hair cut by the young woman with whom I had a discussion about recovery a few months ago.  As she walked out of the back room I asked if she remembered me and she just came right up for a hug.  Later, she told me that she still had my phone number pinned to her refrigerator.  We talked recovery again and I assured her I wasn't shilling for Alcoholics Anonymous, just making sure she knew I could introduce her to a bunch of women her age if she wanted to come to my meeting.  Maybe it isn't that bad for her at this moment in time.  Maybe it is that bad and she simply isn't ready to join a recovery group.  Maybe she's telling tall tales and half-lies about her dad who's in and out of jail and her mom who is siding with her ex over custody of their kids.  I'm pretty savvy when it comes to alcoholic bullshit but sometimes it gets by me.   Maybe I'm sowing seeds that will grow some day or will wither and die.  It's so hard to tell.

I like being awake as the day dawns.  I like seeing the light change as it goes from a suggestion of brightness to a dim, diffuse glow to full daytime light.  It's quite spiritual for me to see this happen.

Fade Into Black

I led the Keep It Complicated meeting on Saturday.  I read the section of The Big Book where one of our members was explaining his difficulties concerning prayer to a religious guy.  The religious guy suggested he pray for whatever person was currently annoying him every day for two weeks and to do this even if he didn't mean it, if he was just saying the words.  That section really is in The Big Book.  Try to find it if you dare.  I like daring people to find it because it's almost at the very end of the book so you have to read the whole book to find it.

After my fairly obvious comments I generally call on people.  I like to do this a la Portland, Oregon.  It keeps everyone engaged, more or less.  It's pretty embarrassing to get called on if you have no idea what the topic is.  I like to call on new people, visitors, and the members that are quieter, less likely to speak.  I don't call on the oversharers or the loud-mouths.  I don't call on people who talk too long.  I don't call on people I don't like.  Check that - I really have to call on some people I don't like because I don't like anyone.  At the end of the meeting I explain that my choices aren't based on some internal popularity contest, that I was new once and that I've moved several times in sobriety and I travel a lot so I know the feeling of being on the outside of a meeting.

The people that affect me the most deeply - after the new people - are those who have had a tough time with their families of origin.  I was once one of those people who was reticent about talking in a meeting.  Part of this is that when we're new we don't think we have anything to say.  Which can be true although new people can say the best things.  I know the feeling of lying low, trying to stay out of the spotlight and not attract any attention.  I was raised by two fairly normal people - if you met them you'd like them a lot.  They were very nice.  However - you knew there was going to be a however - there had some flaws that really affected a sensitive, anxious child like me.  My dad was a funny guy with no patience and a quick temper so I never knew what was going to set him off - he'd explode at some of the weirdest times.  And my saint of a mother was afraid of even more stuff than me if that's possible so any conversations I had with her ended up scaring the shit out of me - she could see the downside of everything.  So my survival technique was to try to fade into the background.   I could fade back out of the gloaming if my parents were doing something they liked - church and family holidays and sporting events that amused dad - but otherwise I felt like I had a big target on my back.

When I call on these people I hope I'm saying: "I see you.  And you're just as important as anyone else."

Seriously, It's Not My Fault - Clearly, It's Your Fault

 Here are a few reflections, a few impressions from Doctor Silkworth about Bill's spiritual awakening which are found in the chapter "Bill's Story" in the Plain Language Big Book: "I realized that he hadn't just changed how he thought and felt.  He had changed his entire being.  Knowing he was not alone had saved him from hopelessness.  Maybe God could guide these alcoholics toward a strength they could not find alone.  He just needed to accept that he was not the only person or force guiding his life."

Here is Bill talking to Ebby, his first guide and sponsor, about the amends process as it was originally devised by the Oxford Group: "I promised that I wouldn't blame these people or criticize them during our conversations.  I just wanted to make things right between us.  If I ever felt doubt or confusion, I should sit quietly and ask God for direction and strength.  If I prayed, I should not pray for myself unless I was asking for wisdom I could use to help other people."

Bill, of course, being a good alcoholic took the Oxford Group's six steps and doubled them.  Hey, if six is good then twelve has to be better, right?  You can sense the realization that it was going to be very important to keep everything on our side of the street.  When there's conflict or disagreement among humans it's very natural to try to pin the blame on the other person regardless of whether or not it's the other person's fault.  Intuitively most of us understand that apologizing and then adding that stupid, stupid word "But .  .  .  " is not going to work out very well.   It doesn't even matter what comes after the But.  It's the But that kills you.  The But changes the amend from "I'm sorry"  to "You made me do it."  Sounds easy, doesn't it?  Well, it's not and it's especially not when the other person has in fact behaved poorly himself.

Many meetings close with either "The Promises" or "A Vision for You" to stress that all is well, that  all is going to be well.  We can also find all kinds of promises scattered throughout the texts.  Again from The Plain Language book: "I began to make some important friendships and build a community.  It's wonderful  to feel part of a group that  understands what I've been through.  The work is hard but we actually have a lot of fun doing it.  Some people might be shocked to hear a group of sober alcoholics joking and laughing together, but the humor keeps us sane."

Insane:  Lacking the ability to think and behave in ways considered to be normal; exhibiting a severely disordered state of mind.

Grandpa Knows

From "Bill's Story" in the Plain Language Big Book comes this paraphrasing of Bill's growing realization that spirituality might be a big part of the solution to his alcohol problem: "I remembered how my grandfather believed that there was some great mystical force working in the world, but he didn't want the preacher to tell him what that force was or how it worked.  He wanted to make up his own mind about God and religion.  He didn't respect the people who went to church regularly and did exactly as they were told by the preacher.  ( I saw how) Everything worked in harmony.  Because of this, it seemed to me that there must be a Power greater than myself.  A Power that was guiding our world in some way.  So I believed there must be a God, but I had not made myself think about God's power or ability to help me.  But my friend told me when he connected with God, he was filled with hope and the courage to live and try again."

Here's an anonymous member sharing in "The Daily Reflections:" I was never known for my patience.  How many times have I asked: 'Why should I wait, when I can have it all right now?'  Indeed, when I was first presented with the Twelve Steps, I was like the proverbial 'kid in a candy store.'  I couldn't wait to get to Step Twelve; it was surely just a few months' work, or so I thought!  I realize now that living the Twelve Steps of A.A. is a lifelong undertaking."

Patient: Being able to tolerate delays, problems or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious.

When confronted with one of our important words like acceptance or humility or patience I often quip snarkily something like "Yeah, well, I don't know what that means - I should look it up when I get home."  The problem is when I look it up I'm not thrilled with what I find.  For instance, I'm lucky when I can tolerate delays, problems, or suffering without killing someone else or myself, even.

I'm liking the Plain Language Big Book.  It isn't offensive or shocking at all.  It's almost as if I'm asking a good friend to explain what a passage means in his or her own words.  What makes Bill W so infallible anyway?  I bet he made a mistake every now and then.

Special Jeff and Me

One of my most special of all of my special gifts is dishing out shit and abuse to those I love.  I'm not kidding here, either - I really do this.  The saving grace is that I clearly do it out of love and affection and a desire to make other people laugh and maybe even laugh at themselves and if they want to give it right back that makes the whole thing even better.  It makes me laugh at myself and God knows we all need to take ourselves less seriously.  I'm an idiot and you know I'm an idiot so let's all yuck it up a little bit about how big an idiot I am.  I'm with you, man, on the whole "Seaweed is an idiot" theme.

One of my special, special targets is a guy whose nickname is Special Jeff.  We're very different people in some aspects and we're so similar it's scary in others.  I pick on him very publicly in meetings, cross-talking my ass off, in front of everyone.  I often shoot the breeze with Jeff before and after the meetings - we both arrive early - so he understands that I have a great deal of respect for him as an A.A. member, as a person, as a human.  I got to see him undergo a tremendous transformation several years ago when he made a big change in his personal life and I get to hang out with this newer, much more relaxed guy today.  I live to see members change like that.

The point here - if you're still at all curious as to whether I'll ever get to a cogent point - is that I love the knowledge that we are people heading in the same direction but on different paths and sometimes wildly different paths.  This is the whole key to spiritual growth and spiritual growth is the whole key to a contented, grateful sobriety.  Since Special and I are both older and retired we have the luxury of getting up early and having an extended Quiet Time.  He lives not far from me and I occasionally receive an image of him on his Serenity Couch and me in my Serenity Chair, both of us trying to maintain a happy level of peace and contentment.  I'm not sure what his set-up is but it works for him.  I'm in a comfortable room with lots of windows where I can see the dawn break and experience the magic of the gradually changing light.  My chair is comfortable and I have a heating pad to soothe my aging back.  There's a pile of books near me - spiritual and meditation books - and, in fact, the whole room is filled with books, lined with books, books spilling into the other rooms, dimly perceived in the dim darkness  . . . which makes me happy because I love to read.  My spirituality oozes from these books.  And the walls of my room have a lot of knick knacks and tchotchkes from our travels.  I am curiously drawn to masks and heads so I have a ton of faces looking back at me stoically, probably judging me and finding my performance lacking, but they bring back memories from my journeys, traveling being another huge, huge joy in my life.  I have music going, too - not every day but often - meditative, ambient music from all over the globe and on the days when I prefer some sound to the quiet of the room I suck a lot of good energy from the tunes.

So I've gone over the years from this church God, this dress-up-and-pray-specific-prayers-god to a room of books and art and music.  I think my buddy has a dog that may or may not join him in his Quiet Time.  When our cat was alive that heat-seeking missile would often hop up on my lap and purr, sucking the tiny amount of extra heat that I generate out of my body.  Animals are a great representation of God, too.

Big Clangs and Dull Thuds

There's a guy who comes to Keep It Complicated who has put together a couple of years of continuous sobriety.  I like him just fine but I find his behavior somewhat off-putting from time to time.  He's got a sharp mind and a quick wit, and he's got a good heart.  What I find jarring sometimes is his timing when he interacts with other people.  His behavior is not bad, it just doesn't land kindly all the time.  Perhaps I should talk about myself to make this more clear: I have a dry sense of  humor and a mildly skewed way of looking at the world.  When I was getting sober I tried way too hard to be funny and way, way hard to be off beat and the result was often .  .  .  oddly unpleasant.  It wasn't the words - it was the timing and the context. It often didn't work.  My attempt to be funny landed with a thud.  I can say to  Willie "Man, you are an idiot" and he'll roar with laughter.   My timing is good, I have a history with the man, I'm not going to say this at an inappropriate time when he may be hurting.  The words sound harsh but the effect is positive.  It's affectionate.  Put it down on a piece of paper and provide no context and it sounds awful.  For example: I don't really find smutty, suggestive humor humorous.  I'm not saying it isn't humorous - just that it isn't funny  to me.  It wouldn't take an Olympian amount of perception to pick up on the fact that I'm not enamored with this kind of joking around but my friend is not picking it up at all.  I suppose I could tell him to knock it off but that's not really my style.  I'm not comfortable suggesting that someone else should change or how that change should look - I'd prefer that they change all on their own and only if they feel like changing.  After all, it's not my call how he should behave.  Moreover, most alcoholics don't like to be criticized or prodded into behavior that they haven't decided is in their best interests.  I like to think I get to take credit when things go my way and I get to take the blame when they don't.  My sponsor for many years would laugh on the rare occasions I asked for advice: "Oh, no you don't," he'd chortle.  "If it doesn't work out I don't want to hear about it."   

Here's an example: I shared a story about a conversation I had with the young woman who was cutting my hair about addiction and recovery.  I do this all the time - I'm far past the point of caring what anyone thinks about drugs and alcohol.  It turns out she has some issues with drinking, too, and has actually been to rehab - amazing how often I get an identifying response when I talk about my recovery life - so I invited her to join me at the Keep It Complicated collection of knuckleheads and ne'er-do-wells, and offered to introduce her to some of the younger women who attend.  My buddy came up afterwards and quipped about me being a dirty old man and he knew what I was up to.  I get that he was trying to be funny and that some other people would think this is funny or that under the right circumstances even I would think it was funny but in this instance it landed with a hollow thud, a big clang.  I know that I have a gentle, non-threatening way with younger men and women and that my style is more suited to girls than to boys.  I get depression and guilt and shame better than I get anger and aggression and rowdy defiance.  I wasn't at all offended at my buddy's ill-timed and poorly-delivered jabs - I got it that he was trying to be funny - because I understood that this was about him and not about me.  This is how he might have been tempted to behave in a similar situation so he transferred his intent onto me.  This would have been a good time to compliment me on my efforts to steer someone suffering into a recovery program instead of suggesting some kind of predatory intention.   

I still like the guy.  I think he's really changing.  I bet he gets to a kinder, more perceptive place.  But I hope that he retains his own personal Anthony-ness because this is what makes him genuine.  We're able to build real connections with other people by being who we are all of the time.

             

The Plain Language Big Book

From Bill's Story as repurposed in the Plain Language Big Book: "It was a relief to know that most alcoholics have a hard time resisting drinking, even if they are able to control themselves in other parts of their lives.  This helped me understand my actions.  I wanted very badly to stop drinking, but it seemed like I just couldn't.  This is how most alcoholics felt."

In the history of the Christian religion for centuries mass was conducted entirely in Latin.  Great - preaching to an audience who didn't know how to read in a language they couldn't understand.  Good technique.  Makes perfect sense to me.  Then, the Bible was translated into English in an old-timey fashion - The King James' Version - so if you could read you didn't mind a lot of thou-s and thee-s and shalt-s and so on and so forth.  Again, very logical.  Why say "Don't do this" when you can say "Thou shalt not do this."  That's how most people are going to talk as they go through their day.  "Thou shalt not eat that cookie before dinner" and "Thou shalt brush thy teeth after eating that cookie I told thee not to eat."  And so on and so forth.

The uproar!  The outrage!  The apostasy!  We might as well be watching a partisan cable news show - or should I say "news" show? -  excoriate The Other Side.

So far I'm finding it to be very inoffensive.  It's almost as if someone asked me or any other A.A. member to summarize Bill's Story.  The words might be a little different, a little more modern, but the message doesn't waver.  The Daily Reflections - approved A.A. literature - is nothing more than ordinary people interpreting a literature passage in their own words.  Most of them I like or find blandly neutral and a few I don't care for.  So what?  I'm not a ten year old.  I can take what I like and leave the rest.