No One Here Gets Out Alive

"While there's nothing wrong with striving to do better, as soon as our happiness and self-approval are hinged on achieving this perfection, we are endangering our own well-being."                               The Toltecs

I have a young friend in The Fellowship who's smart, energetic, not a person who needs help doing things, preferring to make her own decisions which are often successful - until a series of circumstances happened all at once and overwhelmed her (pressure at school, her husband drinking a bit too much, an approaching AA anniversary which for some reason seems to eat at a lot or our minds, a dog sitting kerfuffle) and you lose it.  For me it was Sponsor Ken, mom, and my Dad dying in short order, finally admitting that I should undergo a lengthy, painful, and expensive process to get my neglected teeth brought into fit order, and an awareness of the aging process as I hit the age milestones of sixty, sixty-two (social security benefits begin), and sixty-five (Medicare! - health insurance for old people!).

As Jim Morrison famously said: "No one here gets out alive," a line that has become a cultural expression reminding us that mortality is universal. Depending on the context, it can be interpreted as:

• A stark statement that everyone eventually dies.
• A call to live authentically because life is finite.
• An expression of existential or philosophical reflection

I repeat that I have a tendency to call on other people when I lead a meeting.  I love the terror I see in their eyes.  I love the control!  I love seeing the minds working away: "What am I going to say if he calls on me?"  In Portland the meeting leader called on folks before opening up the meeting for anyone who wanted/needed to share in the last ten minutes.  The explanation given was that this was an attempt to keep everyone "engaged."  You want to be uncomfortable?  Try sharing when you haven't been paying attention to the topic because you're thinking about yourself.  Shit gets uncomfortable fast.

"While I love spending time with others, I also love being alone and enjoying my own company.  That's good news! Because if I didn't enjoy being with myself, that would make for a difficult life, as I am the only person who is with me all the time.  Remember, the point of all this work is to enjoy life.  It starts with the relationship you have with yourself."                                                                      The Toltecs

One Minute Here, Gone Forever

"Silence propagates itself, and the longer talk has been suspended, the more difficult it is to find anything to say."

Samuel Johnson

Ahhhh, the Silent Treatment.  Is there any more satisfying way to act like a dick than to employ the4 beloved and much cherished Silent Treatment?  I'm angry but I'm not going to tell you why and even if you know why I'm not going to participate in trying to fix it.  While the Angry Response is an excellent coping tool in my estimation it pales when compared to the Silent Treatment.  I always tell SuperK: "If you're pissed at me let me know.  Don't make me guess."  I'd rather deal with it right up front.  It's the NO SNIPING rule.  If you want to throw me off a cliff please look me right in the eye and say calmly: "I'd like to throw you off a cliff."  THAT I can handle.  The guilt and fear over uncertainty is a lot worse than the quick pain of an explanation.

I was talking to the IT engineer who handled technical support in my sales area, a guy from New York City, and I was hemming and hawing about something, not getting to the point, trying to be pleasant and accommodating and in the course of things dragging out what was really a pretty simple matter when he interrupted me with: "What are you trying to say, Seaweed?  Just say it!"  In my memory I laughed out loud and here I am telling people the exact same thing today.  Don't make me guess - just tell me.

I have been thinking about the meditation which posits existence as the sky and thoughts as clouds drifting by - the sky stays, that's existence, while the clouds come and go, those are my thoughts.  Just watch them come and go.  The sky stays the same while the clouds constantly change.  I also like the analogy of watching the water flow by while sitting on the bank of a river.  Existence is the river - the river is always there, it's not changing or going anywhere - and the constantly changing water represents my thoughts.  Here one minute, gone the next.  Or maybe existence is the water and my thoughts are the river?  Or maybe existence is the bank I'm sitting on and the water is bullshit and all of a sudden I find myself a hundred yards away, crashing through thick forest and trying to figure out exactly what the fuck is going on?  "Where did the river go?" I yell.

That makes more sense.  That sounds like something I'd do.

The Brain WILL Think

"Without awareness, our minds can take on more power than we might want by completely absorbing our attention.  If we let it, the mind will constantly narrate, or commentate on, everything we do, say, see, touch, smell, taste, and hear - by explanation, comparison, and judgment.  Instead of taking an experience for what it is,  we create a story to make it fit our beliefs.  For me balance is key in making sure I use the tool instead of the tool using me."

Commentate?  Really, Toltecs?

I've always hung my hat on the idea that I am not my thoughts.  Thoughts come . . .  and thoughts go.  We think.  We have in the animal world a brain that is gargantuan.  It's an outsized outta control monster, the human brain.  It's unheard of and unparalleled.  So what do you think it's going to do?  Idle?  Inspect its own navel?  Watch old Simpsons' reruns?  No!  It's going to think!  Plan, relive, correct, fantasize, imagine, prepare, all while rewiring our memories so that what we remember corresponds to who we want to be and not necessarily who we are.  I've always been fascinated by the research that shows a common tendency for people to reimagine past events so that the memory fits today's self-image.  Somewhere deep inside the brain is telling us that the homophobic comment we made long ago never really happened because we are sure not homophobic today.   Haven't you ever listened to someone that you shared an experience with reminisce about the exact same experience you lived through while you're thinking: "WTF is that guy talking about?  That never happened."

Don't trust your brain implicitly.  It's a sneaky bastard.  It has only YOUR best interests at heart so if it has to lie, cheat, and steal to throw someone else under the bus it's going to do it.

Progress, Not Perfection

I've become close to a man in my morning meeting who came into The Rooms with a temper that leaned toward aggression and volatility.  When he got angry he tended to act on it physically.  Early in his sobriety a coworker pissed him off and he threatened the guy and was promptly fired.  Even though he didn't follow through with any violence his company had a No Tolerance rule for this kind of behavior.  Saying that you're going to deck someone but not actually decking them is indeed an improvement but only an incremental one.  Good for his company, I say.  Nobody should be afraid to go to work because of a threatening coworker.

Because this sequences of events has resonated so strongly with me I'm going to repeat some of the details . . . . There's another man at the meeting who has come a long way IMO but still has a long way to come IMO.  Recently, in a misguided attempt at humor he quipped: "Under every skirt there's a slip."  I cringed and I'm positive some of the women cringed, and some of the other men as well.  It wasn't in-your-face egregious but it should not have been said.  When I think I should say something I ask my Higher Power to let me know if it should be said, if it should be said by me, if it should be said by me right now.  I did not feel like the right opportunity presented itself for me to point out the Errors of His Ways so I adhered to one of my most treasured aphorisms: Silence is Golden. As in: Try Not To Talk Today.

Recently Inappropriate Guy was in the kitchen pre-meeting and Angry Guy overhead another apparently inappropriate comment, and he let the guy know he didn't appreciate his words.  While I was waiting for my tea to brew Angry Guy came back into the kitchen and he was seething.  I told him to slow down, take some deep, calming breaths, and not act on any impulses he was feeling.  He settled somewhat and went back in to the meeting.  Afterwards, he approached me and said he had already made an amends to Inappropriate Guy for his behavior.  I don't believe he was really all that sorry for his behavior but I was proud to see that he made the effort.  I think it was the right thing to do.  When I behave poorly today I try to actually be sorry for the poor behavior but sometimes all I can do is say I'm sorry.

Here's the very satisfying update: Inappropriate Guy took a minute at the end of a meeting that he serves as secretary to make an amends to the group in case he had offended anyone.  I thought that took a lot of gumption.  I wonder if the amends Angry Guy made to him served as a guiding light for this amends?  I wonder if this was a case where the best path was having someone confront him, face to face, mano a mano, nice and direct, and point out his crappy behavior? Most of the time I believe that setting an example works the best but sometimes we need to be told when we're acting the jerk.  Angry Guy's approach didn't present itself to me as something that would be helpful coming out of my pie hole.  I think what we have here is another case where the mixing and matching together of so many different personalities and opinions, in one room, all trying to head in the same direction, results in the right solution presenting itself.  I was/am proud of the progress of both of these guys and I told them just that.

Alas . . .  after the meeting I walked a bit with Inappropriate Guy at which point I got to hear him voice his suspicions about which particular woman member was driving the outrage at his comment; outrage that he seemed to think was somewhat overblown.  Sigh.  Progress not perfection.

Grateful!

Because I need to hear this myself, over and over, I will continue to drone on and on about my fascination with negativity - fueled by wiring, by upbringing, driven by circumstance - and how it colors my take on life.  While I can ruin a good day by catastrophizing I say with satisfaction that I'm rarely stumped and dumbfounded, I rarely say: "Man, I didn't see that coming."  I can feel an oppressiveness to life sometimes because I am imagining what can go wrong but I am nimble on my feet when something actually does go sideways, as it will from time to time.  Those of us who are fearful and anxious by nature don't often get eaten by saber tooth tigers.  The trade-off to not getting eaten is that we spend a lot of time unnecessarily worrying about getting eaten.  There has never been a monster under my bed who has gotten its claws into me.

To wit:  I have a morning Gratitude List to shift my ungrateful ass into a state of gratitude.  There are so many things to be grateful for and that I am grateful for but the constant remembering keeps them in the forefront.  Here's my morning list:

Grateful for my good health and SuperK's good health.  As we age this becomes more of an issue, more aches and pains and deterioration, but our good health is a prize.  We exercise our due diligence - we stay in shape, get enough sleep, manage our stress, cultivate an active social life, don't smoke or eat crap food or drink alcohol or take drugs - but, still, some of the health we enjoy is just being lucky in the gene pool.  There are people who are also doing all of the above but have a family history of cancer.  Or alcoholism, now that I think about it.

I'm grateful for SuperK, my friend and confidant and love.  It's a blessing to have someone in my life with similar interests.  It sure makes everything funnier.   I have been married for almost 37 years and sober for almost 38 and I note with a wry smile that there are a lot more alcoholics with long-term sobriety than with long-term marriages.  Because of our bond I don't suffer from loneliness or isolation.  I read somewhere that chronic isolation among the elderly can be as damaging as excess drinking.

I'm grateful for Those Who Came Before Me: my parents, my beloved sponsor Ken, family members of all types and sizes, all of them with defects and shortcomings, all of them doing their best with a child who was a nightmare in many respects.  I turned out well so they couldn't have done that bad of a job.  How about credit where credit is due?  How about giving them a break when they fell short?  No one gets a manual specific to the children they are asked to rear.  In many cultures daily communion with ancestors is huge - I took a walk along the levies separating rice paddies in a rural Vietnamese community where there were small shrines, many with candles burning and small gifts of food or flowers, erected to honor ancestors, places for the still-living to stop and pause for a moment and remember those who have already gone ahead.

I'm grateful for all of my friends.  I am so blessed with good people in my life.  Some of them I've known my entire adult life and some for a short time; some of them I see or talk to regularly and some I haven't seen in many years; some of the relationships burn hot and furiously for a while and then cool off while some have kept a steady heat; some of my dearest friends irritate the living shit out of me from time to time without severing that long, thin cord that connects us.  Grateful for all of them.  All of them.

(Ed. Note: Before I move on to the last three categories I note with great amusement - great amusement - that these were the three most important categories when I was running and gunning and now they're not.  Still deliciously self-indulgent but in their proper place.  And while none of these blessings are guaranteed it is safe to say that for most of us our material well-being improves in sobriety.  It take a lot of resources to buy alcohol and drugs, fix wrecked cars, fix wrecked bodies, pay lawyers and courts, and straggle along generally between lost jobs.)

I'm grateful for my house.  It's not a fancy house but it's all paid for and located in a quiet neighborhood where I cherish my neighbors, the occasional Boat Guy notwithstanding.

I'm grateful for my cars.  I'm a car guy and I have owned some damn nice cars and I'm driving a super damn nice car right now.  It's a lot better than the 20 year old Plymouth Belvedere station wagon that my grandpa gave me.  In its defence it did run great unless it was hot outside or cold or it had been raining or was about to rain or it hadn't been driven in the last 20 minutes.  When I start my car today I just sit there for a minute marveling that everything is working as it should.

I'm grateful for my funds.  While I was housed and fed at the end of my drinking I was one unexpected expense from being out on my ass.  Today I have extra money.  I'm not living on the edge financially.  I have extra money to blow on nice cars and a house and other treats and sundries.

Legwork Only. Stay Out of the Results Business.

The Second Agreement: "Don't take anything personally."  In other words nothing other people do is because of you.  It is because of themselves.

From my current morning meditation book: "Tonight we may feel we failed in some way today.  Even though we may have done our best, we may now believe we could have done more, done it better, or tried harder.  But there are things out of our control.  One of them is the outcome of any  circumstance.  Though we strive to do our best and to make everything better, we need to remember the outcomes are not in our control."

Another of the constant reminders that basic spiritual principles are eternal and unchanging.  What do we say in Alcoholics Anonymous again?  "Do the legwork and leave the results up to God."  I know what I want, what I think is best, but I don't know what is best in the long run.  Disasters turn into blessings and earthly pleasures can complicate things.  Sometimes, anyway.  Not always, but sometimes, so could I please stop putting labels on what is happening?

I like the image of roots growing from the bottoms of my feet when I'm meditating, roots that go deep into the earth, that fill every space in the entire earth, mingling with the roots growing from every other human and plant and animal on earth, all of us communicating with each other and helping each other.   I like the fact that plant life competes with other plant life but also lives in harmony and synchronicity with all the other plant life.  A tree will grow tall to get as much of the sunlight as it can, potentially starving other plants from that nourishment, but if a damaging insect arrives or a fungus, the tree can send out chemical signals to the other trees warning of the dangers.

I was in the lobby with an engineer from our corporate headquarters when our main competitor walked in.  Our contact was nonplussed until my colleague said: "We're competitors - not enemies."

I'm Better Than EVERYONE

"I once heard a speaker say, "I am trapped inside what I think you think about me.  Today I realize I have experienced what Bill W. calls our 'spiritual kindergarten.'"

I've written too much about this married guy I know who is pushing 50 but still fancies himself a player with 30 year old women.  I think he behaves well - technically, officially - but he's out there walking on thin ice, I say as a married guy who knows my wife wouldn't appreciate me hanging out with or sniffing around much younger women, much younger single women.  Today a group of people went out to coffee after the meeting and one of my A.A. daughters invited me to tag along, mostly because there's a brand new man that I've been talking to and who was also going to be coffee drinking.  I deferred, as I had previously made plans to take a walk with The Player Guy who - I need to stress - is a nice man who works hard at recovery and spends a lot of time sponsoring new guys.  In my much beloved smart ass way I said something along the lines of "I get to listen to him drone on and on and on about problems of prosperity" with a huge smirk on my face and a well-known propensity for dishing out good humored shit to my friends.  (Ed. Note: while I was joking he really does this when we take a post-meeting walk on the beach.  I'm fine with it.  I think he appreciates the ear of someone who is interested in his comings and goings and is willing to call him on any bad behavior.  His real sponsor is a sweet man who doesn't push back, I don't think.  Nothing wrong with that most of the time but all of us need to be called to account from time to time.)  The young woman said: "Yeah.   Been there.  One of his unlimited time shares was about how his $5,000 refrigerator broke."

Rich people.  Jaysus, as the Irish would say.  I drive a Porsche and the woman who dropped the one liner on Rich Guy only found out about it last week.  I've known her two years.   If I have Ferrari problems I don't have to call them "Ferrari Problems" - I can call them "car problems."  The word for this is Humble Brag.  "The air conditioning on my private jet wasn't working on the flight to the French Riviera."

I think Rich Guy would be somewhat taken aback at the comment of one of the women he thinks he's dazzling.

In the "Restraint of Tongue and Pen" department I offer this quote from The Grapevine: "I've heard that if I make space between the stimulus and my response, I'm making room for the universe, or God, or peace, or common sense or for anything better to get in between me and the stimulus.  And that room gives me a chance to think about how I might be able to bring something good to the situation, rather than think about what I need to get out of it."

Good advice for someone who just did a ton of writing trying to convince you I'm better that Rich Guy.  I'm not better than anyone.