Just Another Big-Ass House

I used to deal with the world in a transactional fashion - if I gave I wanted to get.  I became annoyed and enraged if I did something for someone and it wasn't reciprocated in a manner that pleased me.  And I expected that others would think about me before I thought about them.  That was the hallmark of a "winner."  Getting without giving, Hoo Boy, that was some sweet shit.  Today?  Not so much.  I work diligently at giving with the critical caveat that I should have no expectation of return.  I tell people that you can make me happier but it's hard to make me sadder.  I send out a text.  If you reply I feel good - if you don't .  . . maybe you're busy, maybe you forgot, maybe I'm no big deal in your world.  All good.  I've learned - most of the time - to give generously.

So then there's my sister . . .  I do not today and have never had a close relationship with my sister, my only living blood relative.  My sister is a perfectly fine human being.  My sister values status and appearance and she often has a blunt, somewhat insensitive manner.  She is much more attached to these things than I am and her irritation when I've succeeded in these areas is pretty obvious.  In my opinion it's as important to her to have more than you as it is to have something.  To compound her bedevilments, she married a brilliant man and kept working while he went back to school (s) so that he could get advanced degrees, and then watched in frustration as he puttered around and never made much of a success of himself in the business world.  Business requires a healthy amount of competitiveness.  In The States we don't have capitalism - we have Brute Capitalism.  It's the lions versus the gladiators.  He didn't have that kind of fight.  In the academic world you studied hard and rose in the class rankings.  In business, you tried to kill your opponent and take his women and castles, metaphorically speaking.

Anyway, one day he came home and said he'd quit his corporate attorney job and never really had any financial success after that, so my sister had to go back to work so they could afford health insurance, which indicated to me some strains in their finances.  All of this is none of my business and I've kept my nose way, way out of it.  We've never been in touch on a regular basis and this has only become more pronounced as we get older.  I don't think she really likes me.  I'm sure she loves me but I think I irritate her with my lifestyle.  I'm quite happy to report I don't really care - I try not to wave anything in her face but if I irritate her that's on her.

Anyway, they finally retired, sold their Big Ass house, and moved to a warmer climate.  I assume that a lot of the money to do this came from the gains accrued from the appreciation in their Big Ass house.  Good for them.  Downsize, simplify, detach somewhat from the need to keep up with the Joneses.  Because her birthday is coming up I asked for their new address and - curious - took a look at the house they bought.  Holy Mother of God, it's a huge four bedroom house with a big sun porch and a hot tub and a pool on a good-sized lot.  Their children are long gone and they don't know anyone in their new state.  I mean - WTF? Right?  I confess to a little penis envy right out of the chute - I want a Big Ass house, too, yeah? - but then I started doing the calculus.  How do you furnish a place that big?  Who's cleaning it?  Who's cutting the grass and maintaining the landscaping?  How much does it cost to heat and cool that place?

Mostly, I'm pleased to be free from all of that grasping and accumulating.  That is one of the miracles of my recovery - to enjoy what I have without needing more and without trying to top anyone else.

The last time I visited home I didn't tell my sister.  I wonder under what circumstances I'll see her again?

Stealing From Monks

I told SuperK this morning that one of her greatest gifts to me was letting me be who I am.  I can't imagine this is always easy.  I'm not a person who behaves in a conventional manner.  This must be irritating to a much more normal, conventional person.  I believe that a relationship goes through a few phases.  First, when you're falling in love you can overlook aspects of the other person you don't care for because you're in the thrall.  Then, after a while, shit starts to irritate you so the natural inclination is to try to change the other person, to mold them into the person you'd like them to be.  I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing - SuperK showed me that there were times to be unconventional but that sometimes that could hurt my chances when I was in a more conventional situation.  But then comes the critical point: letting the other person be their own authentic self.  This requires tremendous personal, spiritual growth.  SuperK talks about coming to the realization that I was just being me and that it didn't reflect on who she was.

We were in Japan several years ago in a city that has a lot of famous shrines and monasteries.  I asked a local guide about one of the most famous sites.  He said: "If you want to go there I'd suggest getting a guidebook - these are written by people who have done a lot of research and know more about that shrine than I'll ever know.  However, if you want to get a little off the beaten track . . .  " and then he suggested a few less well-known temples.  Wow, I'll forever be grateful that he did that.  We took a taxi to this big complex and walked inside, free to explore on our own.  We kind of stumbled around for a minute until one of the staff who spoke a little English noticed that we were lost and offered to ferry us around.  She was so great - she'd explain the importance of a room or exhibit and then she'd stand there quietly while we absorbed it all.  If we took a minute, she waited for a minute.  If we needed five minutes, she waited for five minutes.  She did not talk after her initial explanation unless we had a question.  At the end of the complex she bowed politely and dissolved into the background.  There was an older monk sitting at a table with some literature laid out in the final room - this guy looked like he was a monk right out of central casting: orange robe, shaved head, big, thick glasses, beatific smile on his face.  We chatted with him for a minute and then he said: "I think, right now, you are the happiest couple in the world."  Well, yeah, we bought a book after that comment.  He took a minute to inscribe something inscrutable on the inside cover and then we were off.

In The States I'd have chalked that up to some sales bullshit from someone trying to sell me something but in this environment I believe that man saw something in how we carried ourselves and spoke a truth.  Sometimes it's hard to hear a compliment.  I'm a suspicious, paranoid guy by nature, often suspecting some kind of jive or angle.  But, you know, I do believe that if you work The Steps and live a spiritual life then you start to give off an aura.  People feel your peace, they sense it, and it makes them feel calm and good.  I believe this monk has so trained his mind that he has a great intuitive feel for peace and calm and good intentions.

Oh, yeah, I shoplifted some shit from the monastery.  That monk was a sucker.  I know an easy mark when I see one.

Man, Is the Boat Guy in my Head

When I don't know what to do I don't do anything.  I cannot TELL you how difficult a skill this has been for me to learn.  I'm a charge-into-the-future kind of guy.  I like to make shit HAPPEN and the fact that sometimes I don't know what to do rarely impedes me.

I like the analogy of a canoe on a river.  I would take my canoe and put it in the water and start to paddle furiously upstream because that's where I wanted to go.  It just never occurred to me to turn the canoe around and go downstream and see what was around the bend.  In other words if I have a round peg and there's a square hole I go get a huge hammer and pound on that goddamn stupid peg until it's in the fucking hole.  THAT'S problem solving.  There's nothing that can't be fixed with a bigger hammer.  That's why we have sledgehammers.

"When we ask for guidance, instead of direct results, the right path always seems to unveil itself."

The Grapevine

"We may believe that by thinking of the problem, we are working on a resolution.  But we are really only dwelling on the futility of the problem.  It's only when we are released from worry that we can see solutions clearly.  How can I free myself from worry's constraints?"  Unknown writer.

"Physical fear is a natural reaction to a clear and present danger.  Irrational fear triggers that same physical reaction, but there is no actual physical danger present.  The main causes of irrational fear come from making assumptions or projecting about some future event."  The Toltecs

Funny how when I do the legwork that suggestions and possible solutions to problems pop up.  The above passages seemed appropriate to me as I make the Boat Guy a bigger problem than he really is.  How important is it in the big picture?  This is not that important but I naturally tend to worry that it's going to get worse or it's never going to end and that any possible solution is going to end up in an angry confrontation.  

"Projecting some future event," indeed.

When I keep my mind open - vis-a-vis the Boat Guy, for instance, these little reminders pop up and help out.

Neighbors Are the WORST

When we retired we moved into a community where the residents have to be over fifty-five.  You can, apparently, go out and get a trophy wife if you want to after you've moved in but even then she has to be forty.  No twenty-five year old trophy wives.  We like it here.  We weren't sure we were going to but it ends up being a nice place to live if a little dowdy and doddering at times.  It's quiet; we know our neighbors; everyone takes care of their little properties.  No kids, no large dogs, no semis parked on the street.  A while back the park management decided it would be acceptable for an adult child to move in with a parent as long as the child is serving as a "caretaker" if by "caretaker" you mean a "shiftless ne'er-do-well who's still comfortable living with their mother."  I'm being unkind here for comedic effect but you've either got to be really selfless to live in a mobile home with your mom or you're not doing too well in the real world.

So a sketchy looking dude moved in with his mother in the home right behind us and - at some point - his mother moved out.  So we've got a middle-aged handy-man working on cars and trucks and boats fifty feet from our bedroom while using the backyard to store a ton of crap that would do the term "trailer-trash" justice.  Since we got back we have enjoyed a woman yelling at the dude at midnight (gratefully quieting down when I stepped outside and said "hey, guys" to alert them to the fact that they were disturbing others although at that point she did suggest that she needed to get something out of her truck which was apparently parked in the dude's driveway and was inexplicably locked and politely told me I might just have to call the police which did get the dude's attention because the ruckus quieted after that; a lot of grinding gears and backing noises the next night as the dude and his friend backed a large boat under the small canopy; and finally the commencement of The Grinding phase where the dude is doing some kind of work on the boat that involves the destruction of something metal, intermittently, I'm so pleased to report.

I'm sure approximately none of this would pass park rules but the manager is very conflict-adverse, preferring to isolate in the management office most of the day instead of circulating among her people.  So what do I do?  Confront the sketchy due respectfully face-to-face and risk pissing an occasionally volatile man off who lives fifty feet from me?  Rat to the manager who will either do nothing or say something to the dude who will probably know immediately who's complaining and then I'm in the same boat (hah-hah) that I'd be in if I took the first course of action; or do nothing, hoping the work won't last too long and feeling grateful it isn't a constant irritation?  Sometimes I do things that end up making a situation that really isn't that bad much, much worse.  Sometimes I sit back and take it when I should do something to remedy a situation where I'm in the right.

I've talked to a few people.  I've kicked ideas around with SuperK.  I'm writing about it.  At this point I have no good feel for a right course of action which I've learned that I should not - yet, at least - take any action.  

Very frustrating for an action-oriented self-righteous guy who has The Law on his side in this particular instance.

Yadda Yadda Yadda Blah Blah Blah

Here's a couple of good thoughts from stories found in The Grapevine . . . 

"It's a great day when things are going well and I don't drink, and it's an even better day when everything goes wrong and I don't drink."

"And as it turns out, the less I obsess over getting my way, the more life seems to cooperate.  I used to think my legacy would be stamped on an award or etched into the cure of some terrible disease, something grand, something undeniable.  Who knew the real achievement would be this - living a life well won."

I struggled - still struggle sometimes, to be honest about it - with the mundane aspects of life like bathing and using the toilet and sleeping and going to work and all that boring crap that makes up  so much of life.  I wanted life to be the first Friday night at the start of my vacation week, the booze and drugs starting to work their magic, at the top of a big ass roller coaster right before the car starts to fall over that big first drop, the LSD just starting to hit . . .  THAT'S life, right?

That's bullshit is what that is.  Sobriety allows me to take a great deal of pleasure in the simple act of living.  I could not imagine an existence where that would be the source of deep satisfaction.  It sounds so . . . boring, so mundane, so routine, yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah.

"We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free.  We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us.  But it is clear that we made our own misery.  God didn't do it.  Avoid them, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes (Ed. Note: As it surely will - you can take that to the bank), cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate his omnipotence."

Alcoholics Anonymous P. 133

The Fellowship

 We talked about the importance of The Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous at the meeting today.  We're surprised at how isolated we've become.  The Book talks about the loneliness of the professional isolator and the loneliness of the noisy good-times fellow.  We feel apart and we don't know why and it's a crappy feeling.  Sometimes we're sitting alone with the lights out and the blinds drawn watching crappy TV and we feel lonely and then sometimes we're at a crowded bar and we feel like we're on the outside looking in.  Lonely when alone and lonely in a crowd.  Lonely is bad enough but we're lonely and feeling sorry for ourselves.

I had the pleasure of sharing a cup of hot chocolate with my A.A. daughter this week.  A fiercely independent woman who decides what to do and then just does it.  Not a needy person which suits me just fine.  The thought of anyone checking in with me every day gives me The Shivers.  Sometimes I feel my best self is existing like one of those electronic defibrillators you see hanging on the wall to be used when people my age have coronaries and you get to shock the shit out of them in the hopes their heart starts to beat again.  You don't want to have to use it and you know you won't have to use it very often but it's damn good to know it's there.  If I have just a little time with her she starts to tell me what's going on in her life in more detail and then is surprised that I tell her she talks about herself.  We all need to be the center of attention some of the time.  Not all of the time and not never but some of the time.  It's okay to be the focus of attention.  When I'm expressing myself to a friend I learn things simply by listening to myself talk and I get the counsel of others, people who may have more experience or a different way of looking at whatever I've got going on.

I had the pleasure of talking with one of my A.A. sons after a meeting as well.  The kindest man I know, with a heart as big as Mt. Everest, who internalizes everything and makes it his fault and then he figures out what he needs to do to make the other person feel better.  This makes him kind but it also predisposes him to the agony of the futility in trying to save everyone in the world.  Not everything is his fault although he seems to think so much of the time.  This guy I have to have to praise all the time and he's like a deer in the headlights when I do so, clearly uncomfortable that someone isn't blaming him for everything.

Where's that Doggone God, Anyway?

Back from a long trip to rural Denmark for some green, green Spring hiking.  As a guy who grew up in a temperate climate but now live in a semi-arid one it was deeply, deeply satisfying to be smack in the middle of all that green.  And because we arrived at the very start of Spring and left as Summer was getting under way we got to see how the green changes from a very light shade, becoming darker and darker, the woods bare and sparse at the start and full and dense at the end.  If you're having trouble connecting with a higher power go take a hike in an isolated place.  It doesn't have to be a long one or a difficult one and you can stop when you start to get tired.  You don't have to get anywhere in particular and take time to stop and listen and look and take a deep whiff of the air.  KK has an app that can identify birds by analyzing their songs and I have one that tells you what kind of tree or plant you're looking at so it's important for us to stop from time to time and see what's growing and listen to what's singing.  Even after one short month listening to birds we'd never heard of before we could start to recognize different species by their song.

And nothing forces me into the moment like traveling.  Everything is new and different so I'm forced into a focused awareness.  How do I do this or that, how do I do everything?  Not a lot of regular chores or routine to follow so I can just be where I am.  I can eat a weird cookie or try to figure out a washing machine in a foreign language or . . . or . . . everything!