Man, Is the Boat Guy in my Head

When I don't know what to do I don't do anything.  I cannot TELL you how difficult a skill this has been for me to learn.  I'm a charge-into-the-future kind of guy.  I like to make shit HAPPEN and the fact that sometimes I don't know what to do rarely impedes me.

I like the analogy of a canoe on a river.  I would take my canoe and put it in the water and start to paddle furiously upstream because that's where I wanted to go.  It just never occurred to me to turn the canoe around and go downstream and see what was around the bend.  In other words if I have a round peg and there's a square hole I go get a huge hammer and pound on that goddamn stupid peg until it's in the fucking hole.  THAT'S problem solving.  There's nothing that can't be fixed with a bigger hammer.  That's why we have sledgehammers.

"When we ask for guidance, instead of direct results, the right path always seems to unveil itself."

The Grapevine

"We may believe that by thinking of the problem, we are working on a resolution.  But we are really only dwelling on the futility of the problem.  It's only when we are released from worry that we can see solutions clearly.  How can I free myself from worry's constraints?"  Unknown writer.

"Physical fear is a natural reaction to a clear and present danger.  Irrational fear triggers that same physical reaction, but there is no actual physical danger present.  The main causes of irrational fear come from making assumptions or projecting about some future event."  The Toltecs

Funny how when I do the legwork that suggestions and possible solutions to problems pop up.  The above passages seemed appropriate to me as I make the Boat Guy a bigger problem than he really is.  How important is it in the big picture?  This is not that important but I naturally tend to worry that it's going to get worse or it's never going to end and that any possible solution is going to end up in an angry confrontation.  

"Projecting some future event," indeed.

When I keep my mind open - vis-a-vis the Boat Guy, for instance, these little reminders pop up and help out.

Neighbors Are the WORST

When we retired we moved into a community where the residents have to be over fifty-five.  You can, apparently, go out and get a trophy wife if you want to after you've moved in but even then she has to be forty.  No twenty-five year old trophy wives.  We like it here.  We weren't sure we were going to but it ends up being a nice place to live if a little dowdy and doddering at times.  It's quiet; we know our neighbors; everyone takes care of their little properties.  No kids, no large dogs, no semis parked on the street.  A while back the park management decided it would be acceptable for an adult child to move in with a parent as long as the child is serving as a "caretaker" if by "caretaker" you mean a "shiftless ne'er-do-well who's still comfortable living with their mother."  I'm being unkind here for comedic effect but you've either got to be really selfless to live in a mobile home with your mom or you're not doing too well in the real world.

So a sketchy looking dude moved in with his mother in the home right behind us and - at some point - his mother moved out.  So we've got a middle-aged handy-man working on cars and trucks and boats fifty feet from our bedroom while using the backyard to store a ton of crap that would do the term "trailer-trash" justice.  Since we got back we have enjoyed a woman yelling at the dude at midnight (gratefully quieting down when I stepped outside and said "hey, guys" to alert them to the fact that they were disturbing others although at that point she did suggest that she needed to get something out of her truck which was apparently parked in the dude's driveway and was inexplicably locked and politely told me I might just have to call the police which did get the dude's attention because the ruckus quieted after that; a lot of grinding gears and backing noises the next night as the dude and his friend backed a large boat under the small canopy; and finally the commencement of The Grinding phase where the dude is doing some kind of work on the boat that involves the destruction of something metal, intermittently, I'm so pleased to report.

I'm sure approximately none of this would pass park rules but the manager is very conflict-adverse, preferring to isolate in the management office most of the day instead of circulating among her people.  So what do I do?  Confront the sketchy due respectfully face-to-face and risk pissing an occasionally volatile man off who lives fifty feet from me?  Rat to the manager who will either do nothing or say something to the dude who will probably know immediately who's complaining and then I'm in the same boat (hah-hah) that I'd be in if I took the first course of action; or do nothing, hoping the work won't last too long and feeling grateful it isn't a constant irritation?  Sometimes I do things that end up making a situation that really isn't that bad much, much worse.  Sometimes I sit back and take it when I should do something to remedy a situation where I'm in the right.

I've talked to a few people.  I've kicked ideas around with SuperK.  I'm writing about it.  At this point I have no good feel for a right course of action which I've learned that I should not - yet, at least - take any action.  

Very frustrating for an action-oriented self-righteous guy who has The Law on his side in this particular instance.

Yadda Yadda Yadda Blah Blah Blah

Here's a couple of good thoughts from stories found in The Grapevine . . . 

"It's a great day when things are going well and I don't drink, and it's an even better day when everything goes wrong and I don't drink."

"And as it turns out, the less I obsess over getting my way, the more life seems to cooperate.  I used to think my legacy would be stamped on an award or etched into the cure of some terrible disease, something grand, something undeniable.  Who knew the real achievement would be this - living a life well won."

I struggled - still struggle sometimes, to be honest about it - with the mundane aspects of life like bathing and using the toilet and sleeping and going to work and all that boring crap that makes up  so much of life.  I wanted life to be the first Friday night at the start of my vacation week, the booze and drugs starting to work their magic, at the top of a big ass roller coaster right before the car starts to fall over that big first drop, the LSD just starting to hit . . .  THAT'S life, right?

That's bullshit is what that is.  Sobriety allows me to take a great deal of pleasure in the simple act of living.  I could not imagine an existence where that would be the source of deep satisfaction.  It sounds so . . . boring, so mundane, so routine, yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah.

"We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free.  We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us.  But it is clear that we made our own misery.  God didn't do it.  Avoid them, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes (Ed. Note: As it surely will - you can take that to the bank), cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate his omnipotence."

Alcoholics Anonymous P. 133

The Fellowship

 We talked about the importance of The Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous at the meeting today.  We're surprised at how isolated we've become.  The Book talks about the loneliness of the professional isolator and the loneliness of the noisy good-times fellow.  We feel apart and we don't know why and it's a crappy feeling.  Sometimes we're sitting alone with the lights out and the blinds drawn watching crappy TV and we feel lonely and then sometimes we're at a crowded bar and we feel like we're on the outside looking in.  Lonely when alone and lonely in a crowd.  Lonely is bad enough but we're lonely and feeling sorry for ourselves.

I had the pleasure of sharing a cup of hot chocolate with my A.A. daughter this week.  A fiercely independent woman who decides what to do and then just does it.  Not a needy person which suits me just fine.  The thought of anyone checking in with me every day gives me The Shivers.  Sometimes I feel my best self is existing like one of those electronic defibrillators you see hanging on the wall to be used when people my age have coronaries and you get to shock the shit out of them in the hopes their heart starts to beat again.  You don't want to have to use it and you know you won't have to use it very often but it's damn good to know it's there.  If I have just a little time with her she starts to tell me what's going on in her life in more detail and then is surprised that I tell her she talks about herself.  We all need to be the center of attention some of the time.  Not all of the time and not never but some of the time.  It's okay to be the focus of attention.  When I'm expressing myself to a friend I learn things simply by listening to myself talk and I get the counsel of others, people who may have more experience or a different way of looking at whatever I've got going on.

I had the pleasure of talking with one of my A.A. sons after a meeting as well.  The kindest man I know, with a heart as big as Mt. Everest, who internalizes everything and makes it his fault and then he figures out what he needs to do to make the other person feel better.  This makes him kind but it also predisposes him to the agony of the futility in trying to save everyone in the world.  Not everything is his fault although he seems to think so much of the time.  This guy I have to have to praise all the time and he's like a deer in the headlights when I do so, clearly uncomfortable that someone isn't blaming him for everything.

Where's that Doggone God, Anyway?

Back from a long trip to rural Denmark for some green, green Spring hiking.  As a guy who grew up in a temperate climate but now live in a semi-arid one it was deeply, deeply satisfying to be smack in the middle of all that green.  And because we arrived at the very start of Spring and left as Summer was getting under way we got to see how the green changes from a very light shade, becoming darker and darker, the woods bare and sparse at the start and full and dense at the end.  If you're having trouble connecting with a higher power go take a hike in an isolated place.  It doesn't have to be a long one or a difficult one and you can stop when you start to get tired.  You don't have to get anywhere in particular and take time to stop and listen and look and take a deep whiff of the air.  KK has an app that can identify birds by analyzing their songs and I have one that tells you what kind of tree or plant you're looking at so it's important for us to stop from time to time and see what's growing and listen to what's singing.  Even after one short month listening to birds we'd never heard of before we could start to recognize different species by their song.

And nothing forces me into the moment like traveling.  Everything is new and different so I'm forced into a focused awareness.  How do I do this or that, how do I do everything?  Not a lot of regular chores or routine to follow so I can just be where I am.  I can eat a weird cookie or try to figure out a washing machine in a foreign language or . . . or . . . everything!

An Evil and Corroding Thread

I'm really riding the Toltec gravy train . . .  

"Fear of failure: What am I afraid of?  Where does this fear come from?  Am I willing to let fear keep me from pursuing my passion?  Focusing on all the steps it may take to achieve your final goal can have the effect of fanning the flames of fear.  Instead, just take one small step forward in the direction of your passion."

It is so fascinating to me as a True Believer of the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous, as someone who had as unmanageable a life as it's possible to have, to see what are essentially, more or less, the spiritual principles that serve as the bedrock of our lives, spoken so clearly by a people who lived in the jungles of Central America ten centuries ago.  Fear!  Attacking my problems one small bite at a time . . . or One Day at a Time.  Unbelievable how universal spirituality is.

"Practicing awareness takes discipline, a strengthening of our will that allows us to remain in a state of harmony with the world around us."

Or, in A.A. speak, ". . . and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

Practice:  To perform or work at repeatedly so as to become proficient; exercising a skill regularly  in order to be able to do it better.

I'm also struck by how often the concept of "work" appears.  Working the Steps; Working with Others; How it Works; Into Action.  It goes on and on.

What IS the Point?

"I don't think happiness or unhappiness is the point.  How do we best learn from them and transmit what we have learned to others, if they would receive the knowledge?  When pain comes, we are expected to learn from it willingly, and help others to learn.  When happiness comes, we accept it as a gift, and thank  God for it."

As Bill Sees It.

I have come to really embrace this idea that looking for "happiness" is a dicey proposition.  Too often I'm looking to get what I want - or what I want to avoid - and then I'll be happy.  This ties how I feel to external events or forces.  I have learned to embrace the word "content."  This ties how I feel to my internal state.  I laughed when I read the line that this search for happiness isn't "the point."  The point is, as I understand it, to look at whatever is going on with wisdom and perspective, certain that the pain will eventually end and striving to learn from it so that I can pass my experience on to others and so that I don't live my life afraid of future pain . . . which will certainly come for me.