Horseface Steve or Someone Else? You Make the Call.

Plagiarize:  To take and pass off as one's own.


I enjoyed my foray into plagiarism so much I think I'll do it again.  I'm thinking of adding some of my own commentary.  I don't know why I would do this.  I don't think I can improve anything.  I can definitely make things worse.  Sometimes I like making things worse.  I'm a good crisis manager.  I'll be right back: I'm going to pick a fight with SuperK.


10 minutes later: That was a bad idea.


The essence of experience is change.  Change is incessant. 


Doesn't this all sound like AA?  Blows me away.  How about: "The only thing you have to change is everything?"  How about: "Change is inevitable?"


AA or Buddhism?  You tell me.


Anyway, we tend to categorize experiences.  It is good, or it is bad, or it is neutral.


Good things attract us so we pursue them.  We call this "grasping."  If we feel nice we do whatever we can to hold onto that feeling.  Alas, it is elusive.  It eludes us.  It goes away and then we're frustrated and unhappy.


Bad things repel us.  We call this "rejecting."  If we feel bad we do whatever we can to push the experience away.  Alas, we cannot escape bad things.  It's part of life.  Sorry.


Most things bore us.  They're tedious.  we call this "ignoring."  We ignore most of our life.  That's where most things are happening, in the time between the good things and the bad things.  It's a shame we're so cavalier with so much of our time.


The direct result of all of this lunacy is a perpetual treadmill race to nowhere, endlessly pounding after pleasure, endlessly fleeing from pain, endlessly ignoring 90 percent of our experience.

Newish

One of the things I notice most talking to people who are newish in recovery is the frenetic pace of their thinking and their actions and their desire to get somewhere important fast.  I know that I'm a case study for this kind of behavior.  I was not interested in waiting to see how things might work out, to standing stock still until I got some kind of feeling that I should move and move in a particular direction.  I think that good advice for all of us to take is: "Hey.  Relax."  Sometimes I'll ask a simple question and these people will unload for a minute or two without taking a breath.  They bring up so many topics that I could talk at length on several of them.


People who have a bit of sobriety and are still active in their step work have a much stronger sense of calmness.  I was definitely attracted to that when I first came in.  Hell, I'm attracted to that today.  It's just a feeling of . . . calmness.  It's an unhurried air.  Not a lazy, unmotivated attitude, but a calm one.

Only Human

If I was ethical I would attribute the following information to a book I'm lifting it out of, verbatim.  My meditation has been sucky so I'm rereading one of the many good books that I own and have read, then promptly forgotten about or gotten too lazy to put into practice.  Also, I have to catch up with SuperK who is beating me in the meditation competition.


You find yourself heir to an inherent unsatisfactoriness (I mean, is this even a word?  Those kooky Buddhists) in life which simply will not go away.  There is a vague awareness that something is wrong.  You are not really touching life.  You feel insulated from the sweetness of experience by some sort of sensory cotton.  You are not making it again.


There is a constant undercurrent in every thought and every perception; a little wordless voice at the back of the head that keeps saying, "Not good enough yet.  Got to have more.  Got to make it better. Got to be better."  We get stuck in the "if only" syndrome.


So what is wrong with you?  Are you a freak?  No.  You are only human.

Good Old Rocky Top, Rocky Top USA

I was out near the ocean for a couple of days this week.  The coast is not gentle here -- it's rocky and windswept -- but it's really quite beautiful.  SuperK and I did a bunch of hiking during our visit.  The area gets a tremendous amount of rain so it's as green a place as you'll ever see.  I've been in the jungles of Central and South America a few times and the vegetation here is as thick as anything I've encountered.  I like to hike in the Southwest as well, which is quite a different environment.    Here the vegetation has all of the resources it can handle, but the real estate is quite coveted.  In the desert, there's a lot of empty space for anything that wants to grow: it's the resources that are in short supply.


Anyway, I find that when I place myself in the middle of any of the wonderful natural places that exist in this country I hook up with my higher power.  I posted some pictures of this series of hikes and one of my buddies from The Old City made the comment: "How can you deny the existence of god looking at that kind of beauty?"  I think again and again of those kooky monks living in remote places, rocky promontories and tall mountain tops, and nod to myself: yeah, they knew what they were doing. 

Tidbits and Nuggets

Impatience.  The Quick-Fix.  How frustrating it is to sit and wait for discomfort to pass.


The 80% rule: I should spend 80% of my time thinking good, positive thoughts, or 80% of my time being positive and happy.  Not to suggest that the rest of the time I have free reign to wallow in self-pity and manufactured tragedy, but still.


The Theory of The Bong: when I didn't feel comfortable I could always grab some dope and go for the quick, very quick, temporary, very temporary fix.  I didn't chose to concentrate on the temporary part; I was more enamored with the quick part.  My favorite cartoon character was Quick Draw McGraw.  I'm lying there.  My favorite character is really Leghorn Foghorn, who said things such as: "You're doing a lot of choppin', but no chips are flyin',"  and "Go away, boy, ya bother me!"  He really got my attention as a newly sober guy when he exhorted me on:  "The fast ones go over your head. Ya got a hole in your glove. I keep pitchin' 'em and you keep missin' 'em! Ya gotta keep your eye on the ball!"


Having to spend some uncomfortable time because the The Quick Fix is no more.  As they told me at the start: "Boy . . I say, Boy! . .  sometimes you just have to sit there and take it."

Expectorations

Expect: To look for as due, proper, or necessary: as, some parents expect too much from their children.


The poor New City is groaning under the weight of all my expectations at the moment.  Man, can I heap expectations on just about anything.  There is no better way to be disappointed than to bury anything or anyone under a fucking mountain of expectations.


I like the definition of this word.  We think things are due to us.  We think they're necessary.  It's just and right and proper that things work out exactly the way I think they should.  It's no wonder I failed at all of my relationships and jobs in the past.  No one or no thing could withstand the pressure of all my expectations.


I like the phrase "Take it Easy."  I don't like doing the phrase "Take it Easy" but I like the theoretical concept.  I like hearing about how other people "Take it Easy."  Maybe some day I should ask them how they do it.


Naaaah.

The Dark Side

I discussed depression with a fellow member yesterday.  I'm something of an expert on depression, apparently preferring it to happiness.  There's no other explanation for why I spend so much time contemplating The Dark Side.  It's easier to feed the funk than to look on the bright side of things.  Anyway, it's always a good exercise for me to talk about how I'm feeling because I often have no idea how I'm feeling or why I'm feeling the way I am or how to look at what feelings are dominating my life at the moment.


Much of the time when I'm depressed or unhappy it's due to some overt, identifiable cause.  If SuperK is unhappy with me or I lose a job or find out that I'm sick with some awful, incurable disease (which I shouldn't even joke about), it's perfectly normal to feel some disquiet.  I know the cause of my feelings and I can do something about it, whether that's changing my behavior or learning to accept how things are.


But some of us have more systemic problems that require more than analysis.  Some of us need counseling and medication to right the listing ship.  There's nothing the matter with this.  Nobody feels guilty if they get cancer.  Sometimes our bodies go haywire or produce things we'd rather they didn't produce.  It's not our fault.  

The Ends and The Means

End:  a ceasing to exist; death or destruction.


I struggle mightily with the journey.  I struggle seeing life as a series of steps, as a process, rather than something that needs to be rushed through or endured.  I am so results oriented.  I tend to miss a lot because I'm charging into the future so ferociously.  I miss most of the path, which is a shame because most of life is the path.  And most of the time I end up at a place that's no big deal or it's WORSE than where I started.  


The ends justify the means?  The means justify the ends?

Scathed

Unscathed: Not scathed; uninjured.


I had one of those weird disconnects from everything yesterday: god, people, The Program.  It happens sometimes.  It feels like somebody flicks a switch and I'm out there all by myself, cut off from the world.  I can see everyone else but I can't make the connection.  Usually I can put my finger on something that's bugging me and try to do something about it.  Yesterday was one of those days when I was half a beat slow all day.


I hang in there when this happens.  I don't try to figure everything out anymore.  OK, I try to figure everything out still but I know it isn't always going to happen.  This goes back to my expectation that I can make it through life anxiety free, which isn't happening, either.  Today I have some nice anxiety free times but it's ridiculous to expect I'm going to skate through unscathed.  I'm going to get scathed but good every now and then.

The Whirl

Comfort:  A state of ease and quiet enjoyment, free from worry, pain, etc.


Travel need not involve an epic journey; a simple visit to the bagel store at the end of the street can bring it on.  What it awakens is a latent, childlike, sense of wonder at the world around us.


Nevertheless, it is long journeys that bring out the possibilities of new experience most strongly, removing us from our familiar comforts and security, taking us into new situations, alone and vulnerable, our minds open to the world and its sensations, bringing about an enhanced sense of perception.  Such travel can also allow us to rediscover parts of our own selves that are normally obscured by the hum-drum routines of daily life.  Travel allows us to tap into parts of the self that are generally obscured by chatter and routine, and also to realize how subjective our certainties can be.


I carry a scrap of newsprint around with me that has these words.  I don't even remember any more where it came from.  I use it, of course, to justify my own feelings about the world, but that's OK.  I like to take chances on things and I like to bemoan my fate when the chances don't pan out as I have expected.  I'm impatient to see how things will work out.  I'm impatient to see the future.  I want to know I'm Doing It Right.


I once visited Venice, Italy.  It was my first trip out of the country and I was beyond nervous.  We walked out of the train station and into a painting.  The scene so took my breath away that I had to sit down on the steps that led into the city.  I think my knees buckled.  I had never seen anything like it.  Most of the trip was miserable because I was so afraid to be so out of my comfort zone but it awakened something powerful in me.  After that trip, I have rarely been afraid to give something a whirl.  


It's the whirl that's so much fun.

The Vortex

Vortex:  Any activity, situation, or state of affairs that resembles a whirl or eddy in its rush, absorbing effect, irresistible and catastrophic power, etc.


I've been marching through the first sections of our main text again.  I've been reading a page or so at night, but not more than this.  If I keep it to a page or less, then I find I pay attention to what I'm reading.  More than that I start to lose focus.  I can daydream when I'm reading, believe it or not, or I start to skim ahead when I'm on a familiar passage, thinking: "Yeah, yeah, I know this."  Like I know anything.


I am constantly amazed at how often our founders boil The Program down to "Find god, serve others."  I believe that this is the essence of all religions and spiritual pursuits, despite the billions of pages of instructions that man has written.  I think I could make a pretty good go of it down here if I could just remember those two thoughts.


I read lines like this: "We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped."  Then in the next paragraph: "Were we thinking of what we could do for others?"  Are you getting the point?  No?  Next paragraph, then: "We ask god to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest, or self-seeking motives."  Is the implication here that there are motives that aren't self-seeking?  I mean, are you kidding me?  Are you %#!! kidding me?


On one of my recent hikes I was following a mountain river swollen with melting snow pack.  There were a few spots where whirlpools had formed.  I could see bits of river junk drift into the eddy, circling lazily at first, then getting sucked down into the vortex, where all was lost.  This is how I feel about my ego when I try to meditate.  I'm way down in the vortex, spinning wildly, trying to get out, to get into a position where I can let other people and maybe even god Gasp! in to my thought process.


I was going to use a toilet bowl vortex analogy but thought better of it.

Competitive Meditation

Meditate:  T think deeply and continuously; reflect; ponder; muse.


SuperK has been reading some meditation books lately.  "How To" kind of books with titles like "Meditation Made Easy" and "Three Steps to A Serene Soul."  I find this kind of funny when I think about it.  I'm used to reading books with titles like "How to Increase Your Self-Esteem and Personal Confidence, Be Supremely Happy, and Crush Bitterly Hated Business Rivals With Your Leather Jackboot, While Making a Fortune in the Red Hot Real Estate Market!"  It's weird to think about getting better at something which tells you it's OK to not be that good at something.


I'm OK -- You're a Loser.  There's a book I'd like to see published.


Anyway, she's giving me all of these great, helpful tips for improving my mediation life.  Actually, she's just sharing some things she read.  She's not trying to out-meditate me but it IS getting my competitive juices flowing.  I want to start out-meditating her.  I want to be the most humblest meditator out there.  I want to be in the Zone.  I want Enlightenment.


Great idea for a new business start up: Competitive Meditation.


Anyway, the best idea we have been kicking around is making sure we check our level of contentment frequently.  When I'm not content -- distressingly often -- I need to spend a little time making sure I know why.  Am I frustrated because I'm not getting something I want.  Am I afraid of losing something that I already have.


Several years ago, and after several years of constant bitching, my wife agreed to let me buy a used sports car.  I had always wanted a car like this, and I looked damn good in it, to the guys at least -- I don't think any women ever glanced my way when I was driving it.  Here's the funny part: it was a little touchy and temperamental and expensive to fix, which I had to do often because it was so touchy and temperamental.  After 5 years I sold it, and I was never so glad to be rid of something in my life.


Be careful what you pray for: you might get it.

The Tram Man

I got yelled at by a driver of some kind of public conveyance today, in kind of a typical New City low-key polite way.  In the Old City I would have been enduring obscenities and fending off spittle, worried about gunplay, so I was glad for the change of venue.  I was driving my car in the downtown area which has a confusing array of transportation choices: buses, light rail, and these trolley subway above ground things, all moving in and out of the stream of pedestrians and bicyclists.  Apparently, I did something wrong.  Honestly, I'm not sure what it was.  I'm still trying to figure out the rules.


"Can I drive in this lane with these tracks?" I asked SuperK, earlier in the day.
"I don't know," she replied.  "What are these tracks for, anyway?  The trains or those little cars?"
"That guy's driving on them," I pointed out.  "I'm going to get in front of that electric thing before it starts moving again."
"No, no, I don't think you can do that," SuperK said.


Anyway, at the next light the driver of the electric thing was gesturing at me.  My window was down.  His wasn't.
"What?" I asked.
He started talking and gesticulating.
"I can't hear you," I said helpfully, pointing out the obvious.


He put the tram in park and opened the passenger window.
"I was wondering if you had turn signals?"
"I'm sorry," I said.  "I'm new to the area and it's a little confusing down here."  The train and tram tracks weave across the driving lanes so I wasn't sure what the %$!! lane I should be following and I'm unfamiliar with the intersections and I'm gawking at all the newness to boot.


I really was sorry, even though I didn't know what I had done to piss this guy off.  In my drinking days I always knew what I had done to piss everyone off, which I was doing all the time, on purpose.  Someone actually had to point out to me that the horn installed on my car was a warning device, not something for I could use to scream at other motorists.


"I was just wondering if turn signals were an option on your car," he said.  


Really, that's pretty funny.  God knows how many jackasses he has to deal with driving a large vehicle in a congested urban area all day.  If I'm going to get yelled out that's not too bad.


I wonder what I did.  Something to do with turn signals, I guess.

The Escape Claus

I'm sure glad all of the Steps have so many built-in escape clauses for the suspicious drunk.  We make decisions, come to believe, develop willingness.  There aren't too many You Gottas in The Program.  I don't personally do anything if someone is pointing a finger at me and threatening dire consequences.  I glare back and push my hand farther into the meat grinder. 


"Man, does this HURT," I think, no closer to taking solid advice that's in my best interest.  "Who does that guy think he is, telling me what to do?"


"Once we have placed the key of willingness in the lock and have the door ever so slightly open, we find that we can always open it some more."  


Don't tell me what to do.

Ground Control to Major Tom

Control: To exercise authority over; direct; command.


I had a dream last night that I remembered.  Normally, I don't remember my dreams which is probably a good thing for a tortured soul like me.  My brain goes to bad places when I'm awake -- I can only imagine what happens when it has free reign to do whatever it wants.   


Anyway, I was entering a large church which had some pews in it and also some alcoves set up with dinner tables decorated as if for a wedding reception.  It was a nice space -- not too crowded, pleasantly lit, well-preserved wood floors, people milling about pleasantly.  I was dressed in some kind of court jester uniform, or maybe an outfit that Henry the Eighth would have worn.  I had those long slippers on with the curled up toes.  I don't remember any bells on the ends of the slippers but they were still hard to walk in.


I was looking for someone who could tell me where I needed to go to prepare for the play I was in.  I was vaguely uneasy.  It was the first time I had seen the church and I wasn't aware of having practiced my part yet with my fellow actors.  I think I had a main part in the production.  There were a lot of people in the church.


Often in my dreams I'm wandering about school buildings, late for a class or an exam that I haven't studied for.  I don't know where my books are.  Normally I would mention that I'm usually naked as I wander about but I think I'll hold off on that disclosure since the imagery here is already disturbing enough.  Sometimes I'm driving a car very fast along dark roads.  I can't see anything and I'm having a lot of trouble putting on the brakes or turning the steering wheel.


Think I have issues with control?