Givers and Takers

 "The world is composed of givers and takers.  The takers eat better but the givers sleep better."

There's a homeless situation in my town - the weather is nice which attracts people, I believe, and housing is really expensive which often tosses even people who are working outside.  I'm often approached and asked for pocket change.  Sometimes I give money but sometimes I don't.  A 40ish dude with a backpack and a guitar approached me as I was filling my car with gas yesterday.  I opened my wallet but only had twenties.  "Man, I could sure use a twenty," he said.  I shrugged my shoulders -whadda ya gonna do? -  reflected, motioned the guy over, told him I'd buy a Pepsi to get some change.  I asked him what his deal was as we walked over to the shop: got a dui which cost him his job, got behind on rent and utilities and alimony, outside he went.  He wasn't bullshitting me. I have an acute bullshit radar.  There's a really nice guy who has been coming to our morning AA meeting for a couple of months who - while waiting for subsidized senior housing - is sleeping outside.  Refuses to go to a homeless shelter, adamant that it's safer to sleep on concrete.  I gave him $20 one day, unbidden.  I saw him the next day  . . . . with a cup of Starbucks.  Haven't seen him since.  He wasn't bullshitting me, either - his odor told me that.  When I walk on the beach I'm frequently hustled on the way down by a guy who's standing outside a liquor store.  "Dude," I said one morning.  "Don't stand right here.  Jesus.  At lease pretend you aren't going to go right in and buy beer."

There are signs in our downtown area telling people to give money to local social services and not to panhandlers.  If everyone passes out money then the homeless will be attracted.  But there are some people who simply will not avail themselves of temporary housing.  Some are obstinate, like my AA friend, and some are too mentally ill or addicted or damaged to take that step.  I often give money.  I often give the occasional outrageous tips to the kids who staff the shops I frequent, and these are outrageous for these kids and not for me.  I feel better, somehow relieved when I do this.  

Willie and I were talking about an oldtimer at his meeting who approached him in the parking lot afterwards and asked for money.  Willie offered to follow him to the local Wal-Mart to just buy the burner phone he needed.  "Bill, I don't have a car," the guy said.  Willie gave him the money.  Willie has no expectations of getting the money back.  We agree that the rule of thumb is that money dispensed is a gift and not a loan.  We often talk about the spiritual principle that the more you hold onto some physical "thing" the more power it has over you, aware that it's easier to give a thing up if you're living in abundance, like we are.

Giver.  At times.  And happier for it.

Expression of Love

Express: To show, manifest, or reveal. 

The topic this morning turned and twisted, dove deep and came up for air, floated way up high in the sky before settling on the idea of God and the meaning of love.  This sounds way more complicated than it ended up being.  It was great hearing people opine and drift on the nature of love and how it relates to a relationship with a Higher Power.

There's a famous scripture which states that God is love: "God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them: "God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. God is love, and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him."  I talked to my longtime sponsor every day when he was bedridden, dying of cancer.  I swear that dude had one foot in this world and one foot in the next because he was coming up with some heavy stuff, otherworldly, ineffable stuff.  He really got focused on the idea that God was simply an expression of pure love.  I liked that he used the term "expression."  That made sense to me.  God manifesting God's essence through something in reach of all of us.

I often think of my tight-assed, religious, conservative, anal-retentive German family, deeply religious but one that considered love as a very official, prescribed thing - you loved your family, God, a significant other, and maybe a football team or two, but that was it.  In Alcoholics Anonymous I've come to embrace love as a living entity with all kinds of nuance and depth and intensity.  Some people I've loved for a long time and some not so long; I'm sure of my love quickly with some and after a lengthy marination with others; and some people have been steadfast in my mind while others come and go.  I don't think I ever stop loving someone I love but I can drift back a bit, be more detached, when people change or disappoint me or disappoint me after changing, which everyone will do, from time to time.  We are, of course, all flawed human beings.

The funny thing, of course, is that I don't really like anyone.

The woman next door got a rescue dog a few weeks ago, a street dog from Mexico.  I've long believed that if you want to see love in action hang around with some animals.  I form strong connections with animals pretty quickly and this dog is totally devoted to me.  If our neighbor lets the dog out on the porch it sits there and looks at our door until I come over.  You can see the love expressed when she sees me coming over.

I'm loved!  I get to love!

Free Coffee for Everyone! And Water for Their Horses!

 "We live and interact with a variety of situations that can range from slightly stressful to very stressful.  We can be like an amoeba and suck up the surrounding mood and conform to it, or we can remain detached from the situation and be in touch with ourselves.  Whatever is happening outside of us is somebody else's issue."

I used to be in charge of running the whole world.  Now I'm in charge of exactly jack-shit.  I've always like the analogy of the hula hoop.  Step inside your hula hoop - that's what you're responsible for.  It's not much, is it?  Everything outside of that circle is none of your business.

I've probably written about the following before.  I just filled up a glass of water and set it down somewhere and I can't remember where so I just got another glass of water.  I don't even look any more.  It'll turn up eventually and I've got a ton of glasses.  So don't ask me what happened a couple of months ago.

I've gotten into the habit of occasionally buying a cup of coffee for the person in line behind me at my regular stops.  I always check first, mind you, because I don't want to get stuck buying 12 specialty coffee drinks for someone making a run for their office.  It is unbelievable what people pay for some of these supercharged drinks.  It's kind of hard to rescind an offer after it goes over a certain amount.  I'm trying to be generous but not that fucking generous.

I tend to pick on young people or older folks.  I assume that a few bucks here and there means something while I can easily afford this miniscule generosity.  People are surprised and grateful.  I often talk to them for a minute while we're waiting for whatever gymnastics the baristas have to do to make this stuff.  If your drink needs a blender, an espresso machine, a sweetner of some kind, milk (whole, 2%, skim) or soy milk or almond milk or transgender milk, and shit sprinkled on top it's going to take a while to make.

One dude with a veteran's cap on always gets two glasses of iced tea.  I was behind him this day and insisted on paying.  After an appropriate time trying to refuse my offer he stuck his hand out and said: "We're old school!"  I don't know what that means.  One foreign looking woman appeared shocked and appalled even though I see her there every day.  I actually had to tell her she didn't have to accept the drink if she didn't want to.  I've been mistaken for a creepy stalker on other occasions so this wasn't out of the ordinary.

This is money I can afford to give.  I'm not stressed out financially.  And I believe with all my heart that the tighter you hold onto something the more control it has over you.

Black as Night

 Remember: It's always darkest before it goes totally black.

There's a new guy who's been coming to my morning meeting.  He's had sobriety before but is trying to come off a long relapse.  I asked him two days ago how he's making out.  He's waiting to hear about subsidized senior housing but in the interim he's sleeping outside.  The weather here is pretty nice but it gets chilly at night and damp so it's not great.  He has tried sober living and different men's shelters but found them so onerous he prefers sleeping outside.

He's never asked for money which I categorically refuse to give at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.  The next time I saw him I slipped him $20 so he could at least eat.

This morning he was at the meeting.  With a cup of Starbucks.  Only in this Program, right?  When I give money to someone it's unconditional how they use it and I never ask for it back.  In my mind the cash is a gift, a present.  If I'm opened minded I could surmise that someone bought him a cup of coffee outside of a Starbucks or he was reusing a cup that he had been hanging onto.  I try not to judge.  I wasn't mad at all; I laughed out loud when I saw it.  Who knows?  Maybe the guy decided a cup of good coffee was going to do him more good than a greasy McDonald's hamburger and maybe he's right.

Just Don't Tell Anyone

 I continue to be bamboozled stunned amazed at the degree to which the social divisions in our country have seeped into Alcoholics Anonymous . . . or at least that I perceive believe sense that they have entered The Rooms.  Maybe I'm more sensitive to it, more bitchy, more defensive and while I'm sure all of these things apply to a certain degree, but in talking to people I respect in recovery I'm getting these views affirmed.  It's a trend that may or may not be contributing to the lower attendance that The Program has these days - something I hear from people all around the country so I know this isn't unique to Ventura.

I was walking along the beach yesterday when I spied a dude from recovery that I know quite well.  He and I are definitely on different sides of the police barricade when it comes to social issues such as the struggle between personal freedom and social responsibility, matters that don't have a clear demarcation between right and wrong.  People see these issues differently.  This is why some people build a cabin in the middle of nowhere.  They don't want to have to deal with other people.

It wasn't clear whether this guy didn't see me or that he was willfully ignoring me but he was going to just walk on by.  I drifted into his line of sight.  I don't want to hold onto resentments.  Pre-social division he and I were able to talk about non-controversial things.  I knew we were very different people so we weren't ever going to be close friends but I've always thought that one of the great strengths of AA is that "we are people who would not ordinarily mix."  It does me good to listen to different viewpoints.  And this dude never, ever misses a meeting and he gets there an hour early so that people adrift know there's going to be somewhere there who will lend an ear.  That's important for AA.  Guys like me that show up ten minutes early don't provide that outlet.

Anyway, we chatted briefly about nothing in particular until the conversation landed on a cruise that both of us were pondering.  My big reservation to actually booking the cruise is that it's unclear what would happen if you get sick right before - or even during the cruise.  Would you have to quarantine? That would cost me a lot of money.  I don't want to go on a cruise to sit in my room.

"Just don't tell anyone," he said.

OK, we're done here.  If you think I'm a fool for worrying about something that is unlikely to happen so be it.  If you think I'm a fool for worrying about how my behavior will affect someone else then you're pretty selfish.  If I get sick that's one thing.  If I get someone else sick - or maybe more than one person - then that's another thing entirely.

You see the tension here?  When do I get to do exactly what I want and when do I have to take into account how this affects other people?