Offended Seaweed

Offend: To hurt the feelings of; to displease; to make angry; to insult.

The meeting this morning was chaired by a woman who has been drinking on and off in the eight years I've been in California.  She's a very nice person, kind and gentle, a peaceful soul.  I run into her from time to time in The Real World and I'm always glad for the encounter.  I would guess by her appearance that she also struggles with food so there are probably multiple addictions and compulsions in play.

Still . . . . 

I think about my early days in Chicago AA.  People were sort of nice there.  Not super-sickly nice like we can get here but pretty nice.  However, they didn't worry quite as much about offending me.  They didn't go out of their way to offend me but they clearly weren't too concerned about the consequences when it happened.  And they cross-talked.  At some of the men's meetings I went to they cross-talked on my head.  I mean cross-talked like when I got done sharing something stupid the guy next in line would turn to me and repudiate half of what I said while looking right at me and saying my name.  I didn't have to wonder who he was talking about.  The discourse was not cruel but stern.  Blunt.

I grew up with a mother who worried about everything while never getting all up in my grill about anything.  My dad went out and drank beers with his friends, rarely confronting me about my behavior unless he lost his temper and went bat-shit crazy.  Suffice it to say that I didn't have much experience with constructive criticism.  My experience was that it manifested itself as a brief spout of rage or an irrationally cheery optimism.  Sometimes I need to be hollered at.

My time in AA has been one of incredible kindness and compassion.  For every time I've been censured there have been a thousand examples of people exhibiting incredible patience.  Most of the people I deal with regularly are so hard on themselves that I don't have the heart to holler at them.  They feel bad enough about themselves as it is.  Plus, hollering is not a behavior that's consistent with my personality.  Nobody buys it when I yell.  When SuperK and I have an argument I usually remain calm because when I get angry she usually laughs in my face.

If I'm deciding whether I should put my hand on a hot burner or not I hope one of my friends starts yelling.