It's Not Them - It's You

 "I am not at the mercy of fate or buffeted about by life. I am being led in a very definite way, as I try to rebuild my life. Only a few more steps and then the way forward shall be seen and known in my life. I am now walking in darkness, surrounded by the limitations of space and time. But even in this darkness I can have faith. I will wait for guidance on each important decision. I will meet the test of waiting until a thing seems right before I do it. The guidance will come, if I wait for it."

I took a phone call yesterday from a guy who has about a year in The Program. His sponsor is out of town so he asked if I would step in and fill the void for a week or so. I told him that, actually, I've been lost in the void or a void for years and years so might not be his best resource but he wasn't to be deterred. The call centered around problems he's having at work and in a relationship with a woman and since I know him a little bit I can assure you that he has one problem and it has nothing to do with his work colleagues or any other person walking this green earth.

I believe that the two areas in human relationships that cause us the most problem - and give us the most joy - can be found in our family lives and our work lives. We're around these groups of people the most and because we don't have a good track record of behaving well in groups of people things can go sideways in a hurry. This guy is not currently a great employee and he has no business being in a relationship with anything more complicated than a cat but it wouldn't be helpful for me to point that out. We're hard enough on ourselves without anyone else piling on.

When I was getting sober and after some time in sobriety and after a lot of time being sober and then almost every day up to and including today I've come to believe that I'm The Problem so whenever I have difficulties with other people I just assume it's me. This generally works out because it usually is me. The gift is that it makes me quit pointing the finger at other people, places, and things which are none of my business anyhow. I needed to stop pointing my finger at anyone but my own reflection in the mirror. I'm so quick to take offense or to assume the worst motives in the behavior of others that it's best if I simply say: "This is me. This is me screwing up. This isn't you." Even in the cases where this isn't the case - when it really IS them - I still find it more productive to work on me.

Great story I've repeated many times and this is one that actually happened and that I didn't make up. A friend wore his sponsor out bitching about some tiresome problem he was having. One day his sponsor picked up the phone and said: "It's not them - it's you" and hung up.