This is 21 Years?

Rigorous: Very strict or harsh,: said of rules, persons, etc.

This is one of those definitions that isn't very malleable. I like rules that I can bend and twist to my own liking. When our literature talks about rigorous honesty I don't think that the idea is to be honest when it's convenient for me. A pity, because I like things to be convenient. I don't like to do hard work.

I received an invitation for a social event from a good friend in The Program. It was something that I didn't want to do and not for any reasons attached to the friend or the event. I just didn't want to do it. In fact, I agree to do things all of the time, then regret my decision. "Damn, why did I agree to do this?" I fume, then end up having a good time in spite of myself. That's why I agree to do things.


I didn't want to say: "I'm not coming." My friend is a good man and I didn't want to hurt his feelings, which probably wouldn't have happened anyway. The real reason is that I'm a people pleaser and weak sometimes, and I succumb to the urge to tell the little white lie because I want everyone to love me and think that I'm the greatest guy to walk on the face of the earth.

I gave an excuse and my friend asked a couple of questions, which I also had to lie about. Now I'm three or four lies into my story. I'm starting to get confused and to worry about keeping all of my "facts" straight. When I hang up the phone, I realize, to my dismay, that I can't back up a crucial part of my web of lies with facts and that this information is available to my friend.

It reminded me of my drinking days. I told so many lies that I couldn't remember what was truth and what was fiction. It was exhausting and stressful keeping track of all my bullshit, and I worried about being found out. I discovered in sobriety that it's just easier to tell the truth. I don't have to remember what I said and who I said it to.

There is nothing worse to me that being caught lying. That's the main reason that I tell the truth. Not because I like to tell the truth or that I don't like lying. I like to lie very much and am quite good at it. I think I could beat a lie detector test. I think I could fool the machine.