The Excel Spreadsheet of Life

I know that when I get frustrated with my life that I'm trying to control my life.  I'm trying to control people, places, and things.  I'm The Director - I'm arranging the set, the scenery, the actors, everything to my own liking and if only everyone did exactly what I wanted then everyone would be happy and by everyone, I mean me, because what do I care about anyone else?  Get serious.  This is all about me and how happy I can be.  My instincts are not interested in trying to expand my spiritual self or trying to live a life of service to my fellows.  My instincts are rampaging and they, to coin a phrase, or to lift one like a thief, balk at investigation.

I find myself trying to fit my life into little boxes that I fill in with little productive tasks and achievements and accomplishments.  I do not Go With The Flow.  I do not Wear The World Like a Loose Garment.  I don't admire a sunset or linger over a meal or talk to my friends on the phone or decide to take an extra 10 minutes of meditation because it feels so damn good to sit quietly, to not spin at a 1000 revolutions per minute.  Those things involve some sense of serenity and patience and they're things don't fit into a slot very well.  I can see having a slot that reads: Study Greek Philosophers.  That sounds impressive, a real achievement, a task to be completed and checked off.  Lingering over a cup of coffee while sitting quietly doesn't seem to merit a box on my Excel Spreadsheet of Life.

I'm still pondering my friend's surprisingly strident response to my email; it obviously dug into my Ego instinct with sharp talons.  The guy is an achiever and I can see him trying to pack his Excel Spreadsheet of Life full of worthy accomplishments.  Yesterday, I sat out in the back yard as the evening came along and I had a nice short meditation session.  It doesn't sound as impressive as taking a class in meditation at the local Zen Meditation center.  That would require transportation and a fixed time slot.  It would be easier to explain to someone that I spent my afternoon studying Zen Meditation in a structured class.  It's harder to say: "I was feeling a little zipped up so I made a cup of herbal tea with honey and sat down to be quiet for a minute and the minute turned into half an hour."  That sounds, to this over-achiever, like someone wasting some time.  A class sounds so productive.  

So be it.