Shorty and I were having a discussion last night on the topic of not feeling very good. Feeling bad, disconnected, vaguely certain that things aren't going to work out, whatever words you want to use to dress up Feeling Like Shit in nice clothes. I was pleased that, for a change, he was the one feeling bad. All things being equal, I prefer when I feel good and the other person feels bad, even when it's someone I love. Not only would I normally choose feeling good over feeling bad, when I'm talking to someone feeling bad it gives me a comfortable sense of superiority. I can counsel them (by "counsel" I mean "tell them what to do in a mildly arrogant fashion"). I enjoy telling people what to do, even when I have no idea what that might be.
The exchange centered around writing which, while it's one of Shorty's strong points, is something he had not yet done. He admitted this right away because he knew I would take a swollen and misshapen pleasure out of pointing it out. There's something very revealing about soul-searching with a pen and paper. The pen usually goes places that I wouldn't have predicted. It has a life of its own. It's hard to fool yourself when you are writing. What's the point? I can see the logic behind trying to bullshit another person, but when I'm all by myself writing down stuff no one else is going to see it doesn't seem productive to lie. I know when I'm lying to myself, for God's sake. I'm not fooling myself any more.
When we're upset a lot of the time we are doing something we shouldn't be doing or we aren't doing something that needs to be done. Simple as that. This what the writing will reveal. But sometimes we can't put our finger on anything specific. And that's OK. Sometimes we are just going to feel like crap. Everybody feels like crap some of the time for no reason whatsoever. Life can be a challenge.
"This, too, shall pass." West-side Ken.
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