Horseface Steve or Special S?

Special: Of a kind different from others; distinctive, peculiar, or unique; unusual; uncommon; exceptional; extraordinary.


All that applies to me. All of it. I am EXTRAORDINARY. Unfortunately, I'm extraordinary in the bad sense of the word, as in: "That was an extraordinarily inappropriate comment" or Your work habits are exceptionally bad." Peculiar seems to be a better fit.


I recall a conversation I had a while back with Harley, an old friend of mine. He was working outside of the city and had a long daily commute. On the drive home one night he got a speeding ticket. He was not happy about this gift from the state, and he spent a long time telling me why he shouldn't have been cited: it was a speed trap, everyone else was speeding, the radar actually got the guy ahead of him, etc. etc.


Mind you, I'm totally sympathetic. I believe that there should be a special set of Horseface Rules for someone as exceptional as me. My actions should be judged separately from the rest of society because of my exceptional persona. I always thought that I should be given a special driver's license, maybe marked with a big scarlet "S." For instance, if I was stuck at a red light and there was no cross traffic, I would be free to run the light. My exceptional driving skills would make this safe and acceptable.


I recall the last time I got a speeding ticket. Believe it or not, it was actually kind of a fun experience. I saw those oh-so-familiar flashing lights go on and felt the oh-so-familiar panic grab my genitals before I recalled that I was clean and sober. No quick check of the ashtray for the stray roach. No kicking beer cans under the seat. No mouthful of Tic Tac so that I smelled like Budweiser and spearmint. The cop was polite, quick, and efficient. He even gave me a flyer explaining that they were patrolling this particular stretch of road because there had been a recent spate of serious accidents, as if he had to explain to me why he was giving me a ticket for driving 20 MPH above the posted limit. "Sir, I clocked you at 75 in a 55 MPH zone." That's funny, because I had my cruise control set at 78.


My mentors in recovery help me work out the answers on my own. I don't listen to anyone when they talk to me. I have to think that I figured out something all on my own. Here's my exchange with Harley.
"What was the speed limit?"
"35."
"How fast were you going?"
"48."
"OK, I see. So you were, in fact, speeding?"
"Yeah, but . . . "
"But you were, in fact speeding?"


Maybe if start posting signs that say:"Speed Limit 35, Unless everyone else is speeding then it's 48."