Why Do I Think I Can Remember What I Did in a Blackout?

Lie: Anything that gives or is meant to give a false impression.

I attended a meeting last night and heard a lead from a fellow traveler on this sometimes narrow, rocky road upon which we trod. Actually, it was kind of a half-0-lead. At this meeting the speaker talks for about 30 minutes and then the chairperson calls on folks in the group to share their thoughts. I thoroughly enjoyed the lead, somewhat unusual for a self-centered, judgemental, know-it-all like myself. I hear a lot of drunkalogues in this meeting. It can be difficult to "get sober" in such a short time. Conversely, I have about a 30 minute attention span so I actually listen to much of what is said, instead of sitting there thinking about myself, which is my favorite topic.

I find today that when I share I try to talk about the How I Got Sober part. I try to avoid the What I Did When I Was Drinking part. Frankly, I don't believe much of what I say when I talk about my drinking exploits. In case I haven't mentioned it, and I hope that I have, I'm quite a liar. I don't mean to be a liar. It's just that when I talk I say things that aren't true. Words come spilling out of my mouth before my brain can remind me that I am making things up, which is a polite way of saying that I'm lying. Making things up sounds so much nicer. Liar is an ugly word. That's why I really try not to lie. I have given it up for Lent, anyway. When the High Season is over all bets are off.

I think that a lot of my recollections about my drinking have been poisoned by my desire to be the baddest ass drunk in near Northeast Cincinnati, central region, on or near a main thoroughfare but not including any businesses or cross streets. I always liked to make things a little more dramatic than they actually were. Occasionally, even today, I'll be sharing an old war story and I'll think: "You know, I'm not sure that I ever did that." I have exaggerated the same stories for so long that they have become part of my mental lore. My sharing is an epic poem, like Beowulf or Charge of the Light Brigade. I have never been one to let facts get in the way of a good story.

That's why I talk about my recovery. That is something that I remember accurately, most of the time.