The Zen of Toast

Right: In accordance with fact, reason, some set standard, etc.; correct in thought, statement, or action.

There are three ways of doing things: the right way; the wrong way; and Horseface Right. Many times the difference between right and wrong is apparent. For instance, when I am operating a motor car and I arrive at a busy intersection, I now obey the traffic signals. Most of the time. Now that I'm sober, at least. If the light is red, the "right" answer is to stop; the "wrong" answer is to ignore the red light and proceed through the intersection without stopping, slowing, hesitating, or looking both left and right. Blowing the horn doesn't make this action "right," although it does make me feel better to give some idiot a piece of my mind. I have learned -- through bitter experience, I can assure you -- that there may be consequences to this action: tickets, accidents, bloodletting and loss of consciousness, and the like. The fact that sometimes I get away with this move does not make this action "right" although it does encourage me to continue acting how I have always acted.

There is some significant ambiguity in other areas. Take buttering a piece of toast, for instance. This is a case where "Horseface Right" becomes much more important. I toast the bread to a perfect shade of brown; I handle the cutlery flawlessly; I put the right amount of butter on the toast. On and on it goes. My wife -- quite a good toast maker in her own right, a woman with many years of successful toast making under her small belt -- isn't quite as talented. She is good, very, very good, but still in need of my advice. I'm pleased to be married to such a skilled toast maker but would like to see a few small improvements.

Maybe I shouldn't have toast today.