There Are So Many Things That I Want

Will: The act or process of volition; specifically, wish, desire, longing.


I spend way too much time trying to understand how The Program works, especially the God stuff. I get nervous when I try to figure out what God looks like or how to turn my life and my will over to his care. I don't think I know what the will is. Unfortunately, my modus operandi is that I won't touch a concept with a ten foot pole unless I thoroughly understand it. I want a schematic of how to surrender my will. If I can't visualize it, I'm not going to do it.

God is like the sun. You can't stare right into God. God will burn out your retinas.


The Program is big on action. Do the next right thing and see what happens. Quit thinking about what to do. Just do something. Quit sitting around and thinking about doing something. If something blows up in my face, I don't do it again. It's not that difficult.


Take meetings for instance. While I enjoy most of the meetings I attend and usually hear something that is helpful to me as I clumsily navigate through my little world -- clearly I'm not too big on bringing anything to the meeting befitting my overall status as a Taker -- I'm not often enthusiastic about the whole getting ready and going to the meeting. My attitude is poor but my actions are sound. Thinking is free. I can think all of the murderous thoughts that I want as long as my actions are sound.


Yesterday I visited a friend who was just out of surgery. I didn't want to go to the hospital. There are a lot of sick people in hospitals, which are dismal and depressing places. Spooky, gloomy places. But I went, and I felt better about myself. I'm not sure this was a pleasant experience for my friend, seeing Mr. Antsy dance around his hospital room but he was hooked up to an IV and not able to flee my presence.

There is way too much thinking going on around here.