Home Improvements Are My Life

I'm having some windows replaced in my house and luckily, I detected a problem before it got out of hand. Fair disclosure -- this is another one of my many, many problems of prosperity. It's like being upset when your normal Ferrari mechanic is on vacation. Don't bring that up as a topic at a meeting, especially if it's an institution meeting, like a half-way house or prison. In fact, don't bring up a topic that includes any of the following words: Jaguar, millionaire, mansion, or supermodel-sex.

Anyway, I inspected the workmanship on the inside of the house and found it met my rigorous standards. Never mind that I can't tell the difference between a ball peen hammer and a rip saw. I'm prohibited by law from owning any tools that require electricity or have sharp edges or teeth. When I took a stroll around the outside, however, I was horrified at what I saw. There was a lot of significant damage to the window frames, cosmetic damage that would render the home uninhabitable. I would have to just burn it down.


Blending the new confidence that I have found in sobriety with my old, established insanity and tendency to act rashly, precipitously, and with no forethought, I stormed into the house and formulated an attack plan. First, I took a couple of minutes to make sure that my fairly normal wife was upset, too. If I'm going down I'm taking out as many other people as I can. In my mind I was hiring lawyers who would sue a corrupt business for heavy damages. It would be a long, bitter fight with charges and counter charges, and threats of violence.


I did mention in passing to one of the nice installers my concerns. He informed me that this was a two day job and that tomorrow was when they would completely rebuild the outside portion of the window. Which they did. And it looks amazing. Which means I spent another nice chunk of time worrying about a problem which only existed in my mind.

I don't know why I spend so much time looking for problems. I can find fault with perfection. I can spot the slight discoloration on the side panel of a Ferrari at a hundred yards. (Fair disclosure: I couldn't afford to pay the sales tax on a Ferrari.) And when no problem exists, I go ahead and create one at some time in the future. The actual existence of a problem is no obstacle for me.