Bending Reality

I was walking around today, mumbling to myself, thinking about my absolute favorite topic: Me, Horseface Steve. It's hard to put into words the love affair that I have with myself. I overlook all of my defects -- no mean feat given their sheer volume and intensity -- and I exaggerate the extent of the few good attributes that I have managed to hang onto. I call this Bending Reality. I was the kid using a ball peen hammer to jam the little square peg through the little round hole. It looked like it would fit to me.

What good attributes, some might ask? Well, I have very good personal hygiene as long as we're not including the teeth or gums, I'm nice to animals if they're nice to me, and I always return my shopping cart to the cart corral at the grocery store. I'm sympathetic to the fact that the store can not be held liable for any damages caused by their carts. I am interested in helping them keep their costs down.


Actually, I started thinking about how much I think about myself while I was on the phone with a friend in The Program, trying hard to feign interest in what he was saying, as it was taking my attention away from myself. Suddenly, it dawned on me: this guy is thinking about himself too much! Oh, sure he was dressing it up as some unknowable character defect that was impossible to detect, but it was good old self-absorption.

I pointed out his shortcoming. My second favorite activity after thinking about myself -- Horseface Steve -- is criticizing the behavior of others. He was grateful for my keen insight. He said something along the lines of: "Why don't you go #!#!* yourself you self-righteous piece of #$!!*. Then we went and had a cup of coffee.


The truth hurts.