Undateable!

A buddy from The Program recently started to date a woman from his home group.  He's a very nice man but still: there's room for some improvement in the dateability department.  He's tentative and lacking in self-confidence, and not entirely sure who he is yet.  I know the woman and like her, too, but she's kind of stuck in one place in her recovery.  She hasn't changed much since I've known her.  I don't think she's doing very much in the working-the-Steps department; a very important department as we all know.

When I told SuperK that they were going out she said: "He won't be good enough for her."  Not because he wasn't good enough but because she doesn't appear to be ready for a relationship of any depth or breadth.  She seems like a person who could find the flaw in perfection.

Sure enough, she ended it.  My buddy was upset.  Rejection hurts when you're young and when you're old and at all points in-between.  He spent a lot of time trying to figure out what flaws of his she found objectionable and just cause for dumping him.

He told me her reasoning - which I found to be suitable for a 16 year old - and that she passed her thoughts along via email - maybe OK for the 16 year old's slightly older sister.  When I'm talking about relationships to my friends, I try to be generic in my comments, diligently bland, suggesting that we all need to start the investigation on failed interpersonal relationships on the inside because that's where the solution can always be found.  At the same time, gimme a break.  Sometimes other people fuck up.  When that's the case, we can decide how magnanimous and forgiving we want to be.  We're generally happier when we're high on the magnanimity/forgiveness scale.

The solution is always with me even if the problem can be found elsewhere.