Love and All That Nonsense

One of the most transformative periods of my life was when I was talking to my sponsor, Ken H, as he was dying of cancer, bedridden, in enough pain that he was often using strong narcotics.  I spoke with him every day during this period, usually late in the morning, before the daybreak morphine had worn off and before the noontime morphine was administered.  He was lucid but drifty.  He spoke of many personal things that he had not previously revealed.  I believed that some of this was an effect of the narcotic but I'm also convinced that he was making little forays into the next life, the good life, the perfect life, he was seeing the hitherto unseen, getting a pre-release, invitation-only, sneak-preview screening, and he was passing some of this wisdom on to me.  When I gave my last talk a couple of weeks ago I mentioned this experience and a woman approached me afterwards and said the exact same thing happened to her when her father was dying, that he talked of the pure love in the next phase of his existence.  I recall my dad laughing at a flock of imaginary birds flying around the room when he was near the end.  Dad loved birds.  I recall Willie seeing his father's spirit lift up and out and move heavenward when he passed.  I read an article recently about the deathbed vision and how medical science is beginning to perceive that there's truth in it, that they happen.

One of my strongest impulses right now as I move my corporeal body through this physical world is to take my vision of the pure love that is my Higher Power and let it flow through me and out into my reality, such as it is.  I want people I encounter to feel this goodness, this positivity.  I hope they are surprised at the force of this positivity.  Hell, what do I know?  Maybe I'm pissing everyone off.  But I'm going to stick to my mandate to make the world a calmer, more peaceful place, and I think one way I can do this is to be calm and peaceful myself.  "Don't be an asshole," right?

Yesterday at the coffee shop I was making googly eyes at this beyond-cute two year old boy who was sitting with his dad while they were waiting for their drinks.  I sidled over and asked dad if his son wanted a cookie.  I didn't want to presume that a huge slug of white sugar at nine in the morning was acceptable.  He asked the boy if he wanted a cookie.  His eyes got big.  I got back into line and when I was at the register I motioned him over, motioned at the display case.  Which one do you want?  He pointed at a snickerdoodle.  Four fucking dollars out of my tight-ass wallet for a kid I'll never see again.  Dad prompted him to say thank you a couple of times and dad and I talked for a minute.

Again, who's the winner in this?  Not that there's a loser . . . but maybe that's the point?  Maybe everyone was a winner.  I was a HUGE winner.  It's the next day and I'm still floating on that brief minute of kindness and generosity and - really? - what was the cost to me?  What was this but a prompt from the pure love that flows to me from my Higher Power to get out of my own head and notice what was going on around in the world around me?

I'm going to post this thought again because it was so timely and so insightful at this moment in my life: "It must be an ego-building thing to believe that someone is trying to offend us.  It makes us think we are more important than we are.  (True dat!  I'm so fucking important!) It is painful to be unhappy and disagreeable but some cannot resist the temptation."