Love and All That Nonsense

One of the most transformative periods of my life was when I was talking to my sponsor, Ken H, as he was dying of cancer, bedridden, in enough pain that he was often using strong narcotics.  I spoke with him every day during this period, usually late in the morning, before the daybreak morphine had worn off and before the noontime morphine was administered.  He was lucid but drifty.  He spoke of many personal things that he had not previously revealed.  I believed that some of this was an effect of the narcotic but I'm also convinced that he was making little forays into the next life, the good life, the perfect life, he was seeing the hitherto unseen, getting a pre-release, invitation-only, sneak-preview screening, and he was passing some of this wisdom on to me.  When I gave my last talk a couple of weeks ago I mentioned this experience and a woman approached me afterwards and said the exact same thing happened to her when her father was dying, that he talked of the pure love in the next phase of his existence.  I recall my dad laughing at a flock of imaginary birds flying around the room when he was near the end.  Dad loved birds.  I recall Willie seeing his father's spirit lift up and out and move heavenward when he passed.  I read an article recently about the deathbed vision and how medical science is beginning to perceive that there's truth in it, that they happen.

One of my strongest impulses right now as I move my corporeal body through this physical world is to take my vision of the pure love that is my Higher Power and let it flow through me and out into my reality, such as it is.  I want people I encounter to feel this goodness, this positivity.  I hope they are surprised at the force of this positivity.  Hell, what do I know?  Maybe I'm pissing everyone off.  But I'm going to stick to my mandate to make the world a calmer, more peaceful place, and I think one way I can do this is to be calm and peaceful myself.  "Don't be an asshole," right?

Yesterday at the coffee shop I was making googly eyes at this beyond-cute two year old boy who was sitting with his dad while they were waiting for their drinks.  I sidled over and asked dad if his son wanted a cookie.  I didn't want to presume that a huge slug of white sugar at nine in the morning was acceptable.  He asked the boy if he wanted a cookie.  His eyes got big.  I got back into line and when I was at the register I motioned him over, motioned at the display case.  Which one do you want?  He pointed at a snickerdoodle.  Four fucking dollars out of my tight-ass wallet for a kid I'll never see again.  Dad prompted him to say thank you a couple of times and dad and I talked for a minute.

Again, who's the winner in this?  Not that there's a loser . . . but maybe that's the point?  Maybe everyone was a winner.  I was a HUGE winner.  It's the next day and I'm still floating on that brief minute of kindness and generosity and - really? - what was the cost to me?  What was this but a prompt from the pure love that flows to me from my Higher Power to get out of my own head and notice what was going on around in the world around me?

I'm going to post this thought again because it was so timely and so insightful at this moment in my life: "It must be an ego-building thing to believe that someone is trying to offend us.  It makes us think we are more important than we are.  (True dat!  I'm so fucking important!) It is painful to be unhappy and disagreeable but some cannot resist the temptation."

Political Cap Lady

Per usual a good night's sleep solves most problems.  Per usual my tendency as a Type A, overly confident, supremely self-righteous, first-born male child is to Act Immediately!  Fix the Problem!!  Did I mention Fix the Problem Immediately?

I'm sure that all of this will work itself out without my pushing buttons and pulling levers.  I'm sure the group will handle it and I'm almost certain it will happen in a way of which I disapprove.  This will irritate me a little because it will work out and it won't be my idea and won't be done in a manner that I'll suggest.

Here's probably what's going to happen: the woman will stop attending, maybe immediately, maybe over a period of time.  She made her point and if she keeps emphasizing her point then she's going to become alienated from most of the group members.  No child is going to keep playing with a friend who's always in a bad mood.  Maybe she'll change, too, although that seems unlikely at this juncture in time.  I have considered her a friend and have made an effort - like I do with most of our new members - to make her feel welcome and included, but no more.  I don't want to talk to her.  I don't like dealing with angry, vindictive people although she would take exception to that characterization.   Go be angry somewhere else with someone else.  I have enough trouble dealing with negative feelings without hanging with someone who's aggressively negative.  If I talk to her I'll say exactly that in a calm and detached way because I'm not angry anymore.

If you don't like ice cream quit eating ice cream.  If you don't enjoy negativity don't hang out with a negative person.

Here's the Cherokee Lady again:  "If we were to stop and analyze the past and what lies ahead, we would know that if anything is required of us, it is to be flexible.  Not flexible in seeing everything one color, one ideal, one belief - but bending without breaking, able to see the chaos and not fall down under it.  However far we move in any direction we must get it back together, we must bond with the law of our own spiritual being - which is to love others as we love ourselves."

And another: "It must be an ego-building thing to believe that someone is trying to offend us.  It makes us think we are more important than we are.  It is painful to be unhappy and disagreeable, but some cannot resist the temptation."

Sanctimonious Seaweed

Our AWOL political activist returned today.  She showed up late wearing a cap supporting her candidate and sat in the back row.  She's not dumb by any means - I'm sure the late arrival was strategic, making it very difficult to remind her of how inappropriate her actions were.   Of course, as luck would have it, I was sitting directly across from her.  I had to angle my chair a bit so I wasn't forced to look at her confrontational ass.

Vindictive:  Having or showing a strong or unreasonable desire for revenge.

That is a gloves-off kind of word.  Here's another one:

Resentment:  Bitter indignation at believing one has been treated unfairly.

Here's a quote from the Alcoholics Anonymous literature: "Never forget that resentment is a deadly hazard to an alcoholic."

And another:   "But with an alcoholic whose hope is with the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave."

And then one more, the Big One:  "Resentment is the Number One offender.  It destroys more alcoholics than anything else."

How about a dip back into definition mode?  

Destroy:  To ruin as by tearing to shreds; to damage something, especially in a violent way, so that it can no longer be used or no longer exists.

Big, unequivocal words, definitive words, words that leave no room for nuance or interpretation, words suggesting - no stating factually - how dangerous resentment is to sobriety and peace of mind.

One more from our literature: "Therefore we think that our indignation is justified and reasonable - that our resentments are of the 'right kind.' "  Oh, boy, maybe my nickname should be Sanctimonious Stevie.

OK, I lied.  One more: "Few people have been more victimized by resentments than we alcoholics."

I think that what struck me the most was the utter brazenness of her move.  It was a metaphorical "Fuck You!" directed at the group.  One of our women members approached her afterwards and asked if she could speak with her for a moment.  "Not if it's about the cap," she shot back.  She also  had the audacity to base her reasoning on a misrepresentation of Tradition Three which states that the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.  No mention of Tradition One - One!  The first Tradition!  It comes first! - which reminds us that the group is more important than the individual.  No referencing Tradition Four and its suggestion that "A group ought not do anything which would greatly injure A.A. as a whole."  At our inception groups took firm stances on abolition, religion, association with private enterprises like hospitals and clubs.  At one point an alcohol manufacturer approached A.A. with an offer to become a spokesperson for "responsible drinking."  On its surface honorable enough.  The underlying rot would have been that we'd be associated with an ongoing alcohol concern.  These Tradtions didn't come about easily.  We were tearing ourselves apart with issues like this and needed to take action to make sure we didn't fly apart at the seams.

Ahhhh . . . Yeah

Mindfulness:  Mindfulness is the cognitive skill, usually developed through meditation, of sustaining meta-attention on the contents of one's own mind in the present moment.  Mindfulness derives from sati, a significant element of Hindu and Buddhist traditions.

"As you achieve clear comprehension in the midst of life's ordinary activities, you gain the ability to remain rational and peaceful while you throw the penetrating light of mindfulness into those irrational mental nooks and crannies.  You start to see the extent to which you are responsible for your mental suffering.  You see your own miseries, fears, and tension as self-generated.  Try to stay alert and aware throughout the day.  Be mindful of exactly what is taking place right now, even if it's tedious drudgery.  Take advantage of moments when you are alone.  Take advantage of activities that are largely mechanical.  Use every spare second to be mindful.  Use all the moments you can."

Venerable Henepola Gunaratana

"Whenever I find a fault with some person, place, or thing, I go find a mirror."

Stevie Seaweed

"Most of what happens to you is your own doing."

Doctor George Costanza

The statute of limitations on blaming other people has run out.

"The Cherokee doesn't want many things, but they know the wise are careful or mindful of what is important.  Such caution teaches us to think before we talk, to slow our pace and find peace of mind."

Joyce Sequichie Hifler

There's that damn mindfulness again, from another source, again, proving its value as a timeless source of wisdom and comfort.

These quips are found on a single page of Step Five in our 12 & 12: Terrible sense of isolation.  Tortured by loneliness.  The feeling that we didn't quite belong.  The isolation problem.  Anxious apartness.  - Step Five was the answer.  It was the beginning of true kinship with man and God. -

Seaweed's Greatest Hits

I gave this lead last Saturday night.  Gotta tell ya . . .  I was brilliant.  Funny, warm, clever, smart, wise, and any other complimentary adjectives that you can come up with, and then I actually had to talk in front of the group and all of this brilliance went right out the window and I'm sure I gave a fairly uninspiring and pedestrian talk.  I guess it kept me sober and I didn't see anyone else drink or use during the actual meeting, and that's the low bar we have to get credit for an acceptable talk.

I was walking with a friend who was kind enough to attend the meeting and he asked me how I felt about it.  Fine.  I'm pretty happy with my Program and I'm pretty sure most people are only paying attention half the time and I don't care what anyone thinks, anyway.  It was pointed out early on that the talk is for me, not for anyone else.  It allows me to hear myself say in words to other people what I'm thinking in my head.  The stuff I'm thinking about needs to be out there on the airwaves so that I can get feedback as to the sanity of the stuff.

I asked him what he thought about it.  He made a comment about it being Seaweed's Greatest Hits and he regurgitated some of what I talked about in a manner that struck me in the moment as overly sarcastic.  I've been practicing diligently on a type of meditation called Mindfulness.  I work at it daily.  I find that the benefits are not often apparent during the actual meditation but present themselves later, in instances like these.  My immediate reaction when I believe I'm bring dissed is irritation which morphs quickly into a varying level of resentment, dependant on the level of diss, in this case quite mild.  I understood that he was trying to be funny and that he actually was kind of funny and that the deal was with me, that I was in a spot in the world where it rubbed me the wrong way.  Slough it off.  Then, I acknowledged to myself something that I say to the targets of my wit all the time: If I want to do this I better be able to take it myself.  Nothing worse than someone running their mouth and then getting their back up when the sarcasm comes their way.  Mostly, when I'm annoyed, I cycle through this kind of thinking quickly.  In this case it hung in there for a bit - not a chunk, but a bit - and I was done with it.  I believe I learned something from it or at least revisited a lesson in real time.  It's like my response when someone beeps a horn at me when I think I've done nothing wrong: Irritation or anger, resentment, then who cares?  This happens in a nanosecond most of the time. 

Until it doesn't.

The Technicolor Cartoon Show

"Much of what we do and experience is completely unconscious in the sense that we do it with little or no attention.  Our minds are on something else entirely.  We spend most of our time running on automatic pilot, lost in the fog of daydreams and preoccupations."

"Still lost in the fog of daydreams and preoccupations" would be an excellent epigraph to carve onto my gravestone.  I am famous for getting a glass of water, being distracted by something else, something bright and shiny and glittery, setting the water down somewhere, and literally being unable to remember where I left it thirty seconds later.  I have a mind that is constantly exploring different paths, often in detriment to the path I'm actually on.  If you say something to me my mind explodes in a million directions in the blink of an eye.  Always been like that.  Not going to be able to change it much.

"You realize that you could actually spend the rest of your days standing aside from the debilitating clamoring of your own obsessions, no longer frantically hounded by your own needs and greeds."

"Still frantically hounded by my own needs and greeds" would be a fitting addition to my headstone as well.  You know - SuperK may decide to drag my body into the back yard and cover it up with some leaves and humus.  Maybe all this gravestone/headstone talk is unproductive.

An update on the woman with the political cap: still gone.  Gone, gone, gone.  This woman only has six months of sobriety and she's dealing with the chaos surrounding an adult daughter who is drinking heavily and may be in the throes of terminal alcoholism, and she's gone.  Our ability to harbor and nurse grudges and resentments is without limits.  Someone disagrees with your political views in a kind and unobtrusive manner, totally respecting The Traditions that somehow manage to keep a band of defiant, wary brats all going in the same direction, and this is a good rationale for getting gone.

I still love her and still hope for the best but I'm on to the people who are actually showing up at the meetings.  You can have all the grudges and resentments you want.  You can question our motives and our competence and disagree with every fucking thing we say.  Just show up.  That's all.  Just show up.

Flakes and Dudes

An update on one the guys who asked if I would step in as a temporary sponsor . . .  

I learned long ago that most new people are famously unreliable.  They make plans with the best of intentions and then they change their minds, often without alerting the person with whom they've made plans. They just unilaterally change them.  And, to make matters worse, they do this at the last minute.  I always tell new people what I'll be doing, this is my schedule, maybe I'll see you there.  That way, when unreliability kicks in, I don't give a shit because I'm doing what I wanted to do, anyway.

This dude lives near me and a friend of mine in The Program, and he's without transportation at the moment, due to some stupidity and indolence on his part.  I mentioned to my friend that, if he felt like it, the new guy could use an occasional ride.  He started to chuckle and respectfully declined, letting me know in a vague way that he had some history with this guy and didn't care to make any more history with this guy.  I cared not a whit.  Trust me - I got it.

So, I text the new guy to tell him that I would be at our meeting on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday and that we could have coffee afterwards if he wanted to talk and, failing that, I could meet him out in our neighborhood on Sunday if those days didn't work.  I realize it's hard to get around without any transportation but, when I was drinking and using, I got around to drink and use, no problem, every time.  He says that "he'll try to be there Thursday."  He's not there on Thursday.  On Friday he texts that "Sunday works for him."  I briefly considered texting back on Sunday morning to tell him I was unexpectedly engaged - meaning I was so wary of his bullshit already that he appeared to me to be one of those people who "want to want to get sober."  You know - get sober magically without doing any work.  I paused, and let life play out.  I did not hear from him so I didn't have to make up a vague and untrue excuse.  I prefer to tell the truth but sometimes it sounds harsh: "Nah, meet me at a meeting or forget about it, you lazy flake."  

See, that's pretty harsh.  It's true, but unkind.

Stupid and Stubborn Seaweed

From the 12 & 12:  "It is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most.  We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them.  The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being."

Total:  Complete; absolute.  I note that it doesn't say that we have trouble with relationships from time to time.  It says that we always have trouble, every single time, without an exception, ever.

Stupid:  Having or showing a great lack of intelligence or common sense.

Stubborn: Having or showing dogged determination not to change one's attitude or position on something, especially in spite of good arguments or reasons to do so.

Stupid and stubborn.  I love it!  While I try not to give advice to new people - any people, actually - I will share what has worked for me and what has not, with the implication that this is something that maybe they could try.  I often have trouble keeping a straight face when the pushback comes, which it invariably does.  I think: "Oh, yeah, you know everything and I don't know shit."  God bless of us for being exactly who we should be.

More stuff: "We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society.  Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it.  This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us.  Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension."

Look at me!  Look at me!  I'm the best!  I'm the greatest!  I mean . . .  Look away!  Look away!  I'm a piece of crap!

When we get sober we come face to face with the person who made us drink in the first place.

The Lead

"It isn't the circumstances in which we find ourselves but how we handle it that makes the difference.  If nothing ever challenged us we might not know our strength - we might never feel the power to overcome something that gives us courage to tackle another.  Giving up does not come on us suddenly, but we cultivate it on a daily basis.  Everything, success or failure - or even mediocracy - settles on us as we get ready for it.  When we think and talk failure, it happens.  When we think we can do something, we can do it."

I spoke in front of a group last night for forty-five minutes; the infamous "lead."  I'm always surprised that people attend those kinds of meetings.  I get bored if someone talks for four minutes, for chrissake, let alone forty-five.  I realize part of the reason is to support other members and that it can be personally therapeutic to talk honestly about yourself for that long, or at least try to talk honestly.  I'm also surprised at how the talk seems to meander along, go this way or that, all of its own accord.  I usually learn a nugget of truth about myself.  Often, the nugget is something positive and self-affirming instead of the shocking realizations of bad behavior and worse intentions that came out early on in my recovery.

I'm surprised at how clueless I am of what actions someone else should take.  This is one of the signature amazements of my life.  I don't .  .  . know . . . what you should do.  I have a couple of newer guys who have asked me to sit in as temporary sponsors while their official ones are less available than they normally are.  It does make me feel engaged.  I have to listen to uninteresting things from people who I usually find uninteresting.  I'm kidding here, I'm kidding.  The real problem is that I don't want to give up any of my precious time to help someone else.  As Homer Simpson once famously said: "Can't someone else do it?"

Generous guy, that Homer.  Not sure why his life philosophy is so in sync with mine . . . 

I note as per our Central Office in NYC that the Lord's Prayer spoken to close a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous is a purely North American phenomenon.   Everywhere else in the world members recite The Serenity Prayer, the 3rd or 7th Step Prayers, or some other strictly A.A.  text.  Makes me feel vindicated that I stay silent when the Lord's Prayer is recited outside of a Christian church.  

What's Best for Me

I'm convinced that the idea of "I'm responsible for the locomotion and God is responsible for the outcome" is one of the pillars of my sobriety.  My sanity.  It reminds me that I need to start walking down the road, even when I'm not sure if I'm on the road that's going to get me someplace I want to be.  The picking a road - a decent, good road to the best of my limited human ability - and to take off trudging.  I'm too worried about picking the right road and by right road I mean the road that's going to get me what I want.  I'm not too big on learning wisdom by enduring hardships.  Fuck that.  I want a steady climb to more riches, more sex, more power.

At the end of my drinking/drugging I was living in Indianapolis, working for a home health company as the operations manager of a decent sized branch.  I had been with this company about three years, been promoted twice, and was on a fast track to a position with some real authority.  Typical of a hard-charging, hard-working alcoholic.  I was also at that point in my drinking/drugging - for the second time, slow learner that I am - where the alcohol was overwhelming my ability to function professionally so I was burning bridges left and right and then dynamiting the smoldering ruins, and I perceived correctly that my time with the company was fast drawing to an ugly close, so I started interiewing wherever I could, mostly with companies that did similar work.  Today it's clear that wanting to take a position for a job that I didn't like, didn't perform particularly well, and had no education or formal training to recommend me for the work .  . . well, the irony is crystal clear, as is the idiocy of my thinking.  Hindsight is 20/20, as they say.  Honestly, if I had worked as hard to perform the functions of my current job as I did looking for a new one I would have been fine.

Alas, no one wanted me so I was forced into a job internally that was several rungs below my last position on the responsibility curve, and this was foisted upon me in a very public and very humiliating fashion.  What happened?  I moved to Chicago where the A.A. was particularly suited to my personality and where I met SuperK, the woman who has now been with me for 35 years, for some reason opaque to me and everyone who knows us.  I also made a lateral switch into the field of sales, after taking some night courses in the craft at a local community college, but only after ignoring the advice of people over the years who told me repeatedly that my personality was a good fit for that kind of work, and my career growth was explosive.

The point is, of course, that I tried to get what I wanted; didn't get it, to my dismay; and that everything worked out just fine.

"In these times of Instant Everything our patience wears thin when we have to wait.  We can wait wisely - seeing that, sometimes, delays sSave us from a problem we could have met.  How long has it been since we have had such a good excuse to just sit quietly and watch others trying to beat the clock."

That's It

For many years of my sobriety I've placed a huge premium on regular contacts with other A.A. members outside of the meeting rooms.  Some times in person, for coffee or a walk or somesuch, but often on the phone.  I believe that this is a great way to start to forge the deep friendships that are going to sustain us through our lives.  We're able to be more personal, explore problems and situations where the content isn't appropriate in meetings or to vent about someone who is annoying us - yes, it happens to me and it's going to happen to you - to get the annoyance out there and off our chests.  I've also learned that some people don't particularly like to talk on the phone - maybe they don't want to talk to me, particularly, understandable - or they have very full lives that take up much of their time.  I have some friends that I talk to regularly and then there are some that I call only infrequently, aware that they may or may not call back.  This used to offend me.  I'm an ex-salesman, after all, so being ignored on the phone is not my favorite thing in the world.  People wiser than me would just stop calling these folks regularly, something I have started to do over the last few years, resisting the impulse until then because I like to be annoyed, apparently.  If someone makes you unhappy or unspiritual, quit doing it right?  Brilliant!

Today I can call these people on occasion because I no longer demand a response that's to MY liking.  The other day I called a friend who shares my love for a particular kind of art because I visited an exhibit that I thought he would find interesting.  Crickets.  Radio silence.  The same day I put in a call to my sister.  I love my sister and we get along fine but we're not close.  We've never been close.  She did not return the call.  I'm okay with both of these instances.  I get it.  I can be an arrogant, dismissive, distracted asshole sometimes so it's possible that this behavior is so off-putting that they figure their time can best be spent elsewhere.  It's OK.  I don't really care.  I'm not mad, anymore

Several years ago I had the opportunity to talk to my sponsor of twenty-five years every day as he was heavily medicated to combat the pain of advancing cancer.  I was struck with the impression that he had one foot on earth and one foot in heaven.  He commented one day that he had come to believe that the nature of God was simply pure love.  That really stuck with me.  No judgment, no disapproval, just love.  So today I try to make my life all about taking that pure love that is the manifestation of my higher power and channeling it into the world.  

That's it.  That's what I'm trying to do.

His Holiness, Walmart SuperCenter

Several years ago SuperK and I visited Kyoto, Japan, sort of a Walmart SupeCenter of Buddhist teaching, thought, and history.  We talked to a local who advised us to steer clear of the temple complexes that were the most popular - and most crowded - and to visit a few of second tier places.  It was great advice.  We stumbled into one temple where we were almost alone.  We started to walk through, pausing at a really beautiful Zen garden.  I don't know shit about Zen gardens.  I find them very calming, very centering, even though I never knew why.  As we stood there one of the volunteers or employees or students came over and asked if she could help.  Her English wasn't great but it was a lot better than our Japanese.  She explained what the different areas of the garden represented in a way that opened our eyes to a different level of beauty and understanding of what we were seeing.  It wasn't just someone tossing a couple of stones and plants in an area and then dumping sand on it, raking it around in a vague and indeterminate manner.  This woman then accompanied us through the different areas of the temple.  She would talk a little, then stand with us, patiently, until we wanted to move on.  She was very calming, very centering.

After we completed our circuit she waved off any tip and melted into the background.  In the lobby there was a Japanese Buddhist monk sitting behind some rickety looking tables which were covered with books about - I must assume - Buddhism.  They were in Japanese, a language way at the top of all of the languages I don't understand.  Those letters are purely hallucinogenic.  I don't even think people who can read Japanese can read that stuff.  This older monk - right out of central casting with the shaved head and orange robe and sandaled feet - smiled at us as we lingered and said: "I think that right now you are the happiest couple in the world."

My bullshit alarm went off stridently.  I'm a cynical Westerner who just assumed that this man who lives a spartan life in a spartan building was trying to hustle me for a couple of pamphlets.  We took a few minutes to chat with him about nothing that I can remember and I bought a little Japanese-looking booklet which he then opened up to jot down some hieroglyphics on the inside cover.  

That book is now filled with quotations and comments and thoughts that have accumulated over the years and it's sitting on the corner of my desk, a place of honor in the Seaweed Desk Hierarchy.  Today, I don't think that crafty monk was bullshitting us.  I think he dialed in to the good energy that was wafting off of us after that amazing, inspirational tour we had just finished.

I'm assuming he wrote something kind in Japanese in my book.  But I would enjoy it even more if he written down something like "another piece of shit booklet made in China sold to another guillable asshole American. "  That would be, like, really great.

Tradition Ten in Real Life

I was handed the book used by the meeting leader to talk for a minute and suggest a topic this morning.  I'm OK with that.  I like to talk and I really like to talk about myself and I love pushing the boundaries with my behavior and my speech just right up to the edge of what's appropriate in a meeting.  I'm not sure that everyone is happy that I do this but it amuses me and amusing myself has been my full-time job for quite some time now.

As I turned to accept the book saw a woman wearing a distinctive cap advertising a polarizing political figure.  It isn't written in black and white what my duty is or what responsibility I have to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.  It isn't specifically spelled out anywhere in the literature.  I do know that Tradition Ten tells us to keep politics, movements, philosophies, religion and any controversial societal issues out of our groups.  "Outside Issues," Bill and Bob called them.  As I understand it there were a number of controversies that threatened to tear The Fellowship apart in the early days and the Traditions were born out of this chaos.  They aren't there just to complicate things.

I walked across the room and mentioned this to Tom, one of the other long-timers who attends the meeting regularly because I was not going to let this pass.  I hope that those of us who are the trusted carriers of the principles of A.A. can juggle the responsibility of helping keep a group free of controversy while acting in a kind and gentle manner.  I know this woman.  She's sober six months, she has a lot going on in her personal life, she's a very nice person, and I can say this with foreknowledge of her political views which, it goes without saying, are repellant to me.  But, really, it was any political clothing that I objected to.  Most of us have trouble getting sober in a bland and anodyne environment.  Can you imagine how many people would turn around and walk right back out of The Rooms if, at their first meeting, everyone showed up in T-shirts advertising a political candidate that one didn't like?

I said to Tom: "Are you going to say something or should I?"

A well-established female member overheard us and offered to help.  She went to the cap lady and spoke with her privately.  I could see the conversation was going well, so I relaxed.  I'm grateful for the intervention of my A.A. sister because I think the message was probably better received coming from a woman than a forceful male blowhard like me.

At one point I called on cap lady to imply: "No hard feelings, right?"  She apologized.  I'm friends with cap lady so I texted with her a bit this morning to make sure she understood the intent behind our actions.  I think she's cool with it.  I'm not obsessed with whether or not she's cool with it.  Groups can do whatever they want as long as it doesn't affect A.A. as a whole and I know when I was getting started I was trying my damnedest to stay sober, not pick up the intricacies of The Fellowship as a whole.

Rampaging Seaweed

 I'm pretty sure that Bill and Dr Bob were quite familiar with the behavior of alcoholics by the time the Twelve and Twelve was written because they have a tendency to say the same things over and over.  A lot of the time they don't even bother trying to hide the fact that they're repeating themselves.  I think they had figured out that, as a group, we're resistant to change so we ignore anything that asks to do anything difficult.

For example, in Step Four a lot of time is spent discussing our normal instincts for sex, money, and prestige or power.  On the first page there's this: "Powerfully, blindly, many times subtly, they drive us, dominate us, and insist upon ruling our lives.  When thus out of joint, man's natural desires cause him great trouble, practically all the trouble there is."   

OK, that's a lot of trouble.  "All the trouble there is" is a lot of trouble.  It's all of it.  There's almost no trouble left over to get into.

Here're the parts that make me laugh each time I read them.  Try this phrase and expressions and qualifiers on for size, see if they fit you: "collision of instincts," "instinct run wild," "instincts on rampage balk at investigation," "the instincts have turned into physical and mental liabilities," and "every time an individual imposes his instincts unreasonably on others, unhappiness follows."  All that comes in the course of two pages.  I believe the expression that applies here is "Hammering your point home."  Over and over we're told that our inherent and important instincts are out of control.

Rampage: Rush around in a violent and uncontrollable manner.

Whew.

Talk, Talk, Talk

Talking too much?  You either know you are or you're deluding yourself.  Most people like to talk a LOT more than they like to listen.  Listening means paying attention to what someone else is saying and what someone else is saying is rarely interesting if you're spending all your mental energy thinking what you're going to say next, probably.  

"Our tendency is to think that no one understands unless we spell things out for them.  It is hard to keep our mouths shut when we want to say something so much.  Silence can be as unkind as saying too much but in the long run it serves a better purpose in preserving friendships, but it is a person of rare sensitivity who knows when the time is.  These special people seldom bother with a lot of talk - but their quiet companionship is balm to the spirit and enough without words.  Wherever we are on the pathway one of these special persons has known loneliness, felt the solitary hours, heard the empty echoes, and is there to mark the way for us  We are assured of company, told that we will make it - that we are almost there now.  Suddenly there is a corner to turn, a light to shine, hope and a hand to support us.  Then, in quiet communication, we reach back and take someone else's hand."

I mean, c'mon, this is the essence of the part of the Twelfth Step that talks about our responsibility, our duty, our obligation,  

    

We Are Well

 "There are questions we can ask ourselves to help us escape a situation that we find vexing.  Just focusing outside of a limited perspective helps us to see ourselves delivered and well.  We must see it by using the same what-if that is so easy for us in negative ways.  We need to use all our mental  and spiritual resources to see ourselves free.  It is never that we are sick and trying to get well - but that  we are well and something is trying to make us sick." 

Many people spend a ton of time focusing on the negative.  I know I do.  And I've come to understand that an awareness of potential dangers and problems can be a very effective survival technique.  People that never worry have a tendency to walk into running buzz saws.  But I also believe that we can get into the habit of worrying too much about unimportant things or imagining terrible disasters involving the important things in our lives that are not likely to happen.  So the next time you hear an emergency siren maybe not imagine that it's an ambulance rushing a dying loved one to the hospital.  The chances of that being the case are vanishingly small.  Worrying about  them is not productive.

Mark Twain

Cherokees again: "There is a time to speak and a time to keep silent, but it takes wisdom to know the time.  Most things can only stand one telling and it had better be where it stands a chance to survive. Until that time, don't talk.  Feelings are so easily manipulated they can't be trusted as a measure in anything.  We stay with bad habits because it feels right.  The habit comforts our feeli ngs and the  familiar touch makes us believe we can't give it up.  Beware of feelings that deceive."

When I was drinking I had this persistently terrible habit of talking when I should have kept my mouth shut and remaining silent when I needed to say something.  My instincts were as bad as they could get.  I made people cringe.  I made people ask: "Why didn't you say something?"  I was charging ahead or hanging back, almost always inappropriately.  

As a joke sometimes I'll grab a member around the shoulders when they're leaving the meeting, lean in closely, and say in a conspiratorial air: "Do me favor - try not to talk today."  It's not bad advice, actually.  If I don't talk I don't get into trouble.

In my morning Quiet Time I repeat our beloved Serenity Prayer, actually trying to pay attention to the meaning behind the words instead of repeating them in a robotic manner, and then I paraphrase it in a way that makes more practical sense to me: "If I'm suppoused to do something, help me do it; if I'm not suppoused to do anything, help me wait patiently, and show me which is which."  Often I'll ponder a real world circumstance, one where I think I need to do something, and ask for an intuitive thought if and when I'm supposed to actually do something, which isn't very much of the time.  Usually my intuitive thought is to keep my fucking mouth closed.

"Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt."

Beep, Beep

This from the Venerable Henepola Gutaratana: "Repeated practice in meditation establishes this function as a mental habit which then carries over into the rest of your life.  A serious meditator pays bare attention to occurrences all the time, day in, day out, whether formally sitting in meditation or not.  When you are meditating, then your focus will be the formal object of meditation.  If you are not in formal meditation, it will be just a pure application of bare attention itself, just a pure noticing of whatever comes up without getting involved.  Meditation is at one and the same time both bare attention itself and the function of reminding us to pay bare attention if we have ceased to do so."

This has only recently begun to make sense to me.  When I meditate, I'm trying to become aware of a thought that's trying to pop into my mind the split second before I actually think that thought.  This is not natural or intuitive.  I prefer to put myself either in the category of "I'm paying attention to my breath" or "I'm thinking about this thing."  I am also very aware of external sounds which compel me to quickly construct a story, a narrative, around the sound.  Sometimes the sounds are soothing (e.g., waves rolling onto the beach) and a perfectly acceptable meditation technique is just to listen to the sounds while trying to remain present.  Sometimes they're jarring and disruptive (e.g., someone running a leaf blower so that they can corral every fucking leaf within a hundred miles of their property line) in a way that reminds the meditator they can meditate somewhere quieter.  Mindfulness, however, takes a slightly different approach: concentrate on your breath or think a thought or perceive the thought right before it reaches your consciousness.  The first two actions make perfect sense while the last . . . action? . . . condition? . . . is in the realm of some New Age hippie crap and more of a sense than an action.  

As with many things in my life I have found that when I try my best at something I don't naturally want to do then I act in a kind, satisfying, healthy manner in my real, human life.  When I'm having a frustrating meditation session I find myself thinking: "What a waste of my valuable time."  Then, sometime later, I'll respond in a way that surprises myself, and this I attribute partially to my practice.  For instance, when someone honks their car horn at me I used to either get angry and react furiously or it would upset me, their behavior would upset me, and I'd internalize it and carry it with me the rest of the day.  Now I quickly decide if I'm at fault and, if so, I wave an apology at the other driver, or I shrug it off and let it go immediately.  I don't internalize the behavior of someone else.  The nice thing, of course, is that I don't spend 50% of my time behind the wheel of a car driving like an asshole so it's uncommon when someone expresses auditory displeasure with me.

That's the good thing.  There's probably a bad thing in there, too, but I can't remember what it is.

In The Vault

I'm in a place in my life and my sobriety where the Native American meditation book I'm reading is really, really resonating.  I like the definition of "resonate," too.  Resonate: To have particular meaning or importance for someone.  I think in physics resonation means that the movement of one object produces a similar movement in another object.

Anyway . . .  "But anyone has to take care that a little success does not weaken effort or steal initiative.  Persistence must be our constant companion for however long it takes and for whatever it requires of us, to keep stretching our limits, refining our spirits, renewing our minds."

One of my A.A. daughters - a remarkable woman who has made so much progress so quickly in her first fifteen months - found that her increasingly busy life - and the weariness that can come from much activity - was edging out her meeting attendance and recovery work.  I understood.  I did not like it much as this can be a slippery slope.  I kept my mouth shut.  I noticed, after a bit, that she was showing up more often, and when I remarked on this, she affirmed a renewed commitment to the effort she was putting in to her recovery.  This pleased me.  As did the fact that I didn't have to say or do anything.  A lesson learned all on our own is so much more powerful than one forced on us.  If I ride with someone to an unfamiliar location I'm unable to duplicate the route when I'm alone but if I drive it myself?  In the vault.

Contented Seaweed

Here's some wisdom from the Twelve and Twelve:

"How persistently we claim the right to decide all by ourselves just what we shall think and just how we shall act.  We are certain that our intelligence, backed by willpower, can rightly control our inner lives and guarantee us success in the world we live in.  This, or course, is the process by which instinct and logic always seek to bolster egotism, and so frustrate spiritual development."

I mean, c'mon, who's smarter than me?  Who's tougher than me? 

And the Cherokees, once again proving that spirituality crosses all barriers of organized religion and mystic philosophy, comment that "Confession may be good for the soul, but it seldom makes the one that heard it feel good.  If we feel the need to confess something, we should do it where the listener knows how to handle what we say.  It is an unthinking person that needs to be relieved of a burden to the point of putting it on someone who may find it hard to bear."

There's a line in our literature warning that unloading a detailed report of some extramarital adventuring onto an unsuspecting spouse is not a great idea.  It doesn't help to make ourselves feel better at the expense of someone else.  Our Steps remind us that we make direct amends, except where it may injure someone else.

The Twelve and Twelve again: "By now, the alcoholic has become convinced that he has more problems than alcohol, and that some of these refuse to be solved by all the sheer personal determination and courage he can muster.  The alcoholic has been persuaded, and rightly so, that many problems besides alcohol will not yield to a headlong assault powered by the individual alone."  This is in Step Three.  I'm always impressed at how frequently we're reminded that because alcohol is not the problem, but in reality only a symptom, then we need to be vigilant that we continue to attack the root of our drinking and not just the drinking itself, and that this takes a sustained and vigorous effort.

In case we weren't paying attention in Step Three the reminder comes up almost immediately in Step Four: "Without a willing and persistent effort to do this ('this' being working our asses off on maintaining our sobriety and our spiritual condition), there can be little sobriety or contentment or us."

Content: In a state of peaceful happiness; pleased with your situation and not hoping for change or improvement; a state of satisfaction.

Isn't this the goal, after all, to be at peace with your place in the world?  Not ecstatic or euphoric, just . . . content . . . accepting of the obstacles that will inevitably pop up and full of gratitude for all  the blessing that we enjoy?

Exertion

Exertion:  Vigorous action or effort.

The Twelve and Twelve spoke to me this morning:  "More sobriety brought about by the admission  of alcoholism and by attendance at a few meetings is very good indeed, but it is bound to be a far cry from permanent sobriety and a contented, useful life.  Nothing short of continuous action upon these as a way of life can bring the much-desired life.  All of the Twelve Steps require sustained and personal exertion to conform to their principles and so, we trust, to God's will."

The italics are mine.  The definition is Webster's.  When I read the Alcoholics Anonymous literature closely I'm often struck by how often concepts and themes are repeated over and over and over again.  I take to heart the idea that a contented, useful life is going to require a lot of work on my part and that, ultimately, it's my responsibility to do that work all by myself.  We rely on each other, certainly, but the Buck Stops Here.

What Is There . . . Is There

I'm moving towards the distant Shore of Total Serenity.  I'm not there.  I'm never going to get there.  But at least I can see that this ideal exists.  I wasn't able to grasp the concept that calming my mind, living more and more in the moment, focusing on myself and not others and when I do focus on someone else I do it with the understanding that it's better to love, to comfort, and to understand than the other way around.  One of the skills I learned in the sales game was to gauge my prospect's level of attention.  Often, I could tell that the person was preparing a response to whatever point I was trying to make, sometimes to dispute my pitch, often just because they wanted and needed and were habituated to think about themselves.  When I was in this situation I knew that I had to let it play out.  You can't listen well when you're thinking; especially when your thoughts are disputatious.  

In my slow rowing toward the Shore of Total Serenity I have finally started to grasp this crucial point: avoidance of painful or negative thoughts or feelings only feed the feeling, makes it grow stronger.  I know today - mind you, I'm not saying that I do this all the time, only that I'm more aware of it - that confrontation is what's important.  I have to look at the thing and see it for what it is.  I mention often the Crying Baby on an Airplane Syndrome.  I learned long ago that if I try to ignore the fucking baby or fantasize about throwing the fucking baby's parents off the fucking plane then I concentrate more and more on the disruption but if I listen to the noise, actively listen to it, then my brain starts to ignore it as a steady-state hum.  I know, it's totally illogical, but when I'm trying to suppress something then I'm feeding the wrong wolf.

And then we can relate this to our A.A. recovery Program by saying that " . . . you can't examine something fully if you are busy rejecting its existence.  Whatever experience we may be having, mindfulness just accepts it.  What is there is there."  

Paying Bare Attention

"Mindfulness is non-judgmental observation.  It is the ability of the mind to observe without criticism.  With this ability, one see things without condemnation or judgment.  One is surprised by nothing.  

Mindfulness is an impartial watchfulness.  It does not take sides.  It does not get hung up in what is perceived.  Mindfulness does not get infatuated with the good mental states.  It does not try to sidestep the bad mental states.  There is no clinging to the pleasant, no fleeing from the unpleasant.  Mindfulness treats all experiences equally, all thought equally, all feeling equally.  Nothing is suppressed.  Nothing is repressed.  Mindfulness does not play favorites.

'Sati' is 'bare attention.'  It is not thinking.  It does not get involved with thought or concepts.  It does not get hung up on ideas or opinions or memories.  It just looks.  Mindfulness registers experiences, but it does not compare them.  It comes before thought in the perceptual process.  Mindfulness stops one from adding anything to perception, or subtracting anything from it.  One does no enhance anything.  One does not emphasize anything.  One just observes exactly what is there - without distortion.  Mindfulness is awareness of change.  It is observing the passing flow of experience.  It is watching things as they are changing."

As part of my morning meditation I'm rereading this excellent book on mindfulness meditation for like the third time.  Because I use different types of highlighters to underline meaningful passages  I'm always amused to see what struck me as significant in the past and what didn't ring a bell at the time, particularly when a passage or paragraph stands out starkly on my second or third or seventh  reading.  The thoughts expressed above by the author were completely opaque to me in my previous readings but fairly screamed their importance this time.  I had no what he was talking about before but they really make sense this time.  Maybe my meditation practice has advanced to a point where I get what the dude is saying?  Progress made is often missed by the person making progress even though the growth is apparent to someone else.

Eh.  Who knows?

In The Moment - THIS moment, Right Here

"Suddenly the hour is gone - and it's anybody's guess what we did with it.  Did we enjoy anything?  Pleasant times are for a purpose.  They aren't just something to amuse us, but pleasure slows the heart, lowers the blood pressure, and give ease to the mind.  Something beyond the awareness tries to slow the human spirit from living so intensely."  

Sometimes trouble hides behind the look of serenity.  Sometimes in laughter - but nearly always in the way a person jokes.  It takes some understanding, some recognition or reckoning, to sense pain that is well hidden.

In this age of defending and demanding rights we're often faced with the question of who holds us back more than anyone else?  This is a trick question that isn't very tricky.  In all honesty we have to admit that we're the problem.  But good attitudes keep us moving and active and able to do everything without reacting to the smallest incident as a barrier in our way.  We're willing to work, to initiate and set in motion the  good of life, and do it by not stepping on others."