Got No Idea What I'm Doing Most of the Time

More from the pool . . .   Maybe I should set up a tent in the corner and live there - I bet breathing chlorine fumes 24/7 wouldn't do any more damage to my body than some of the shit I drank, smoked, snorted, inhaled or injected.  

I was gasping for oxygen at the end of one of my four sets, chatting with Tom, one of my swimming buddies.  He's faster than me - as are most people - but not too much faster so I don't resent him overly much.  When people inquire after my well-being I'm just telling them that my father died.  I'm not trying to be dramatic or to elicit sympathy but I do want to make sure I'm getting this stuff out.

I was telling him about my last words to dad when I noticed his jaw trembling - he was choking up.  It was a very moving moment for me - we all wonder if, at the end, we will do or say the right thing.  His reaction made me think I was in the ballgame at least.

Spandex was asking me about the characterization of the final hours as sacred.  I felt that those final words eased things for me or opened a new awareness or made things more significant.  You know, I didn't plan on saying anything that night and I didn't practise those words or think much about what I said after I said it.  I acted.

I continue to marvel at the sentiment that we will begin to intuitively handle things which used to baffle us, which was about everything.  I think that if we pursue spiritual growth to the best of our ability we'll start to have these powerful intuitions.  I don't try to figure it out anymore.  It's too spoooooooky.