Empathy V Sympathy In A Texas Death Match

Empathy: Identification with or understanding of the thoughts, feelings, or emotional state of another person.
Sympathy: A feeling of pity or sorrow for the distress or suffering of another.

I experienced a little bit of the manipulative force of the active alcoholic during my father's final days.  I forget how good we become at manipulating people, or trying to, at least.  The Book talks about some of our defense mechanisms: no one knows we're drinking; we're only hurting ourselves; a lively bender is a good man's reward; we're going to work and supporting the family so fuck off already; and so on and so forth.  Dad raised the ante, trotting out the "its the only thing I have left" argument, particularly effective and awfully sinister for the unprepared.  After mom died he used this one to devastating effect on my sister, unprepared for this level of cynicism as she was.

I have been musing on his state of mind and soundness of body during his last days.  The fact of the matter is that he came from healthy stock, sturdy Germans who lived to advanced ages, and he didn't really have any serious health issues, even at the very end.  The doctor termed his demise as "Failure to Thrive," meaning that he wasn't trying to thrive any more.  He wasn't ill or diseased or cancer ridden - he quit eating and drinking, and waited to die.

A few years back he took some nasty falls outside, slipping on the ice in the winter and crashing down hard.  His back was a mess - he wasn't mobile, couldn't drive, undoubtedly experiencing a lot of discomfort.  I felt a lot of empathy for him - I wished that he was in finer mettle - but not a lot of sympathy, befitting a recovering alcoholic with many years of experience dealing with non-family members who try to blame their problems on other people, places, and things.  While I have no proof he was drunk or drinking when he fell, the circumstantial evidence is compelling. It's one thing to ponder the existential unfairness of cancer or an accident striking down an otherwise healthy individual - another one altogether to gaze upon self-inflicted damage.  I know that sounds a little clinical.  I know it's hard for the alcoholic to stop alcoholizing.  Still, it can be done.