Happy Hours

I'm pretty sure that when I leave here I'm going to feel bad about myself.  I think this is a no-win situation or maybe a lose-lose situation or maybe I'm screwed.

I don't think things have gone far enough yet.  I think they're going to improve, against all odds but probably not, or they need to get worse before they're bad enough to require urgent attention.  I don't see how I can change anything right now.  It's very frustrating.  My father is a competent adult doing what he wants without being a danger to others or himself and nobody else sees a need to panic and make big changes.  Maybe they're right - what do I know, anyhow? - but probably not.

When I get upset I get anxious.  I can't say that what I feel right now is depression or grief or fear - it all feels likes generalized, free-floating anxiety, like the sliding door is off the tracks.  If I just force the shit out of it then it'll start to work right.  (Ed. Note: I had a little issue with the sliding doors on my dad's shower tonight - can you tell how I resolved it?  Hint: forcing the shit out of something was involved.)

I took my dad to his doctor today.  I've known the guy for a long time and he's a good man and a good doctor.  I snuck out of the little examination room where the patient is inevitably sequestered for a long period of time - why don't they just leave you in the goddam waiting room with the magazines and comfortable chairs and nice TV where you can sit around and think: "I wonder what she has?  Plague?  Gonorrhea?") and spoke with the doc for a bit before he saw my dad.  I wanted to talk about the drinking but the medical profession is more or less clueless about alcoholism as far as I can tell.  Maybe the psych docs have a clue but the rest of them think it's some kind of treatable malady like a rash.

Control:  Influence or authority over.

He was very concerned that my father was isolating - a very good, very real concern, one that I share wholeheartedly  - and suggested Happy Hour as an anecdote.  He stressed the one, maybe two drink part of it but I could see my dad's eyes lit up - he heard "Go drink" and not "Go socialize."  Have GOT to be careful with your wording when you're discussing alcohol with the active alcoholic.  He triumphantly told my sister tonight that "the doctor wants me to go down to Happy Hour."  

I am not in control.