The thing that I miss the most about The Old City is seeing people that I've known for most of my sobriety. It's not possible to replace relationships of 20 years in a 24 month time frame, and god knows I've tried. It was always cool to walk into a meeting and see someone that I had known for a long time, often people with similar lengths of sobriety who were sweating it in the seat right next to me when we were both trying to get sober. I liked seeing people I didn't have close personal relationships with and even individuals who I didn't like all that much and who didn't like me. It was familiar.
I will say that mentioning this loss doesn't get me too far with many of the people I left behind. A lot of people aren't sympathetic. At all. A fair number are a bit smug about it, implying that it's my own damn fault for leaving. I understand this mostly; after all, I'm the guy who left and I would imagine that people can easily assume that I was choosing to leave a place that had become wearisome, and there's a lot of truth to that. I surely wasn't thinking: "Man, I love everything about this place. I think I'll move 2500 miles away." Obviously, there was a fair amount of dissatisfaction or I would have stayed put. I'm also going to assume that this dissatisfaction comes out as criticism on my part from time to time, no matter how I try to put a positive spin on it. And I would assume as well that people who like the place are annoyed that someone else didn't. It's almost as if I'm saying: "This place sucks - how can you stand it?" Mostly, I was ready for a change. And there are a lot of factors in The New City that fit my personality and style better. It's not right and wrong, good or bad - it's right and left, which is what I did.
What is disappointing is to mention this to people who I've known a long time and get the "you're the one who made the decision to leave" comment. I'm not afraid to get called on my own bullshit but I also try to give someone who is upset the benefit of the doubt before calling them on their own bullshit. If someone is upset I don't lead with the "you're the one to blame response" right out of the chute. It's heavy handed to whack someone who's upset on the nose. The better technique is to let them release their grief, help them look at the situation from different points of view, and then whack them on the nose. It's kind of mean. It's important to get around to root causes eventually or the problem won't ever be solved but it can be off-putting to lead with the nose whacking.
It happened to me today. I changed the subject quickly. I was upset and I didn't want to waste my time being criticized. I was looking for a little understanding - whether I deserved it or not, whether it was my fault or not - and when I could see it wasn't forthcoming I truncated the conversation, and this with a man who I've known most of my 25 sober years. It's not a question that our relationship is damaged or that I'm afraid to hear someone call me on my own bullshit, but that I was looking for a sympathetic ear. Not harsh judgment.
Boo hoo hoo,
Boo hoo hoo,
No comments:
Post a Comment