Hey, Hey, Mama

Yesterday I was moved to bitch about money, exhibiting what was no doubt a smug, self-congratulatory air of superiority about the topic. That's one of my favorite techniques: tell you what I do while subtly implying that you need to do the same, or risk doing it wrong. I realize that the suggested technique is to share my actions and coping mechanisms with others, leaving them free to accept what they like or to move on if they wish. To this I say: Gzzzzakkk! Do it my way.

Today I'm going to take on mothers. I listened to SuperK scream into the phone until she was hoarse talking to her mother, who refuses to wear a hearing aid because it makes everything too loud, which is kind of the point. At one point, chuckling malevolently at my wife's misfortune, I started poking around my compulsively organized refrigerator looking for something to eat -- an item made entirely of sugar would be best -- even though it was nearly dinner time and I wasn't hungry. I noticed a large puddle of a clear liquid on the top shelf, which had run down the inside wall and pooled underneath the vegetable crisper.

My mother had visited the day before bringing down a number of food items that I didn't want despite the fact that I said that I didn't want them. Apparently she had brought down a container of sliced pineapple soaked in sugar water -- I had adamantly refused the pineapple since I had purchased one the day before -- that had been overturned by someone rooting around in the refrigerator. Probably SuperK who has little respect for my compulsive organization. She sees an open spot and puts something in it.

The famous Horseface anger exploded to the surface in a flurry of whinnying and snorting and pawing at the dirt in my corral. I think I shouted a swear word. A bad swear word, but I can't be sure because the roar of the blood in my ears was deafening. It took me two minutes to clean it up. And my mother, who is one of the world's great women, loves me more than I can comprehend.

This stuff makes sense when I write it down. But in the heat of the moment it's not clear to me.