Happy Enough

Content: Happy enough with what one has or is, not desiring something more or different.

I have no idea what that definition means. Actually, I know exactly what it means and I'm not too thrilled with this knowledge. It would make more sense to me if I could replace "happy enough" with "totally, ecstatically, euphorically happy." I don't like the word "enough." It implies that I have been sufficiently blessed, which doesn't seem right. Mostly I think I have been screwed out of my fair share.

And I have to chuckle at the concept of wanting something different. That is a characteristic of unhappy people everywhere and a particularly gruesome scourge to alcoholics. Most of the time, especially at the end, my drinking and drug use made things worse but I still wouldn't stop, always looking to change how I was feeling at a particular time. I wasn't even happy with good because I figured there was something I could change to feel great. Good was acceptable if I felt bad, but what if I was already feeling good? Then it was on to great.

I was sitting quietly this morning when a weird and unusual feeling swept over me. My heart started to race and I broke out into a cold, clammy sweat. I thought: "What is it, what is this sensation?" It dawned on me that I was feeling generally content. The world seemed to be floating along just out of reach, there but not affecting me. I could see things that I liked and some that I didn't, but they weren't running the show. They had lost the ability to hurt me.

It was kind of pleasant.