The topic of today's post is "What the Hell Is the Matter With Me, Anyway?" That could very well be the title of the entire blog. I could write about why I still go to meetings or how I hide selfish intentions under the guise of a good action or speculate on how clever I am at complicating everything.
I sent my relative a check for $100 in a nice card with a nice note. I tried to be sincere with the note but it didn't work very well. The note itself was nice but I didn't mean very much of it. I still think a favor is a favor and I still think I did a lot of nice things - always picking up the check for meals and coffees and the like - and I still think I didn't get the credit that I so richly deserve.
My relative cashed the check without comment. I was fairly sure that this would happen but it still stunned me into a temporary resentment. Apparently my generosity is so much bullshit, something I tell myself to ease my own struggles with the demons Power, Sex, and Money. Man, those demons are huge. They never quit. They never take a day off. They're hard-wired into my consciousness. I'm better with them but I'm not as good as I think I am.
Enough already, right? A new guy could say: "Hey, maybe you should leave these people alone?" This isn't a complicated situation - these folks stand on my buttons with all of their weight every time I see them.
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