Instant Karma

Karma: The totality of a person's actions in one of the successive states of his existence, thought of as determining his fate in the next.

More insanity.

When something bad happens to me I'm sure that I deserve it. I assume that I did something wrong and I'm being punished for my actions. I'm never surprised when things go south. It seems to be in the natural course of life for bad, bad stuff to happen. I expect it. I almost enjoy it, these difficulties. And this is despite the fact that bad things don't happen to me all that often and I exaggerate the bejesus out of them when they do. "Oh, no! Ohmigod! It's raining today and I bought a carton of eggs with a broken egg in it! Why do bad things happen to me!"

Woe, woe, woe.


Even more perplexing, when good things happen I figure I don't deserve them. I feel guilty, like I'm driving a stolen car. I'm afraid that the good things are going to be snatched away by a cruel and vengeful god, toying with me and enjoying it very much. So I'm not very appreciative of the good things I have, preferring to ignore them most of the time and wondering why I don't have more. You can dump a $100 in my lap and I'll bitch that it's not more.

Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure that The System isn't set up like that. Good things and bad things are going to happen. It's inevitable. However, there is a karma out there, I believe, which does seem to reward us for right thinking and crack our shins when we're selfish. And the rewards don't often show up as things but with a sense of purpose and belonging, a feeling of contentment and all that crap.

Next time, I'm going to look at the eggs first.