The Tony Morgan

"Ask yourself the most important question: 'Who am I?' "  Who you are is who you are at the center.  The answer is beyond all knowledge and cannot be expressed in words.  Meditate on this today."

Things go better for me when I'm honestly looking at myself.  Sometimes I have trouble with the "honestly" part.  Sometimes I need voices from outside my own head to chime in.  Others can see my self-righteous dishonesty without prejudice.  Who likes to admit to being a jerk?  And sometimes I'm fully aware of my defects and just don't give a shit.

An example: when I was finally getting on my feet financially - I'd like to say "back on my feet" but I had never been anywhere near on my feet - I was pleased to be able to buy some clothes that didn't make me look like a schizophrenic drug addict listening to eerie, ominous voices audible only inside his own head.  Not Saks Fifth Avenue clothes - Eddie Bauer clothes, Lands End clothes.  Not fancy stuff, just adult-ish stuff, reasonable looking, no tears or rips or stains.  Anyway I bought this lightweight vest.  I still have it.  The quality is excellent, it's water-resistant and lightweight which makes it great for traveling, it has a little bit of style.  Not long after I bought the jacket I wore it to a meeting.  Across the room what did I see but a friend wearing the exact same vest.  Here's the thing: he was not an especially fit friend and he looked kind of like an over-stuffed sausage in the vest.  He did not flatter the vest, the very same vest I was wearing, and  I'm not saying I was rocking the vest but I looked better in it than he did.  For a moment I felt like going outside and stuffing my vest into a garbage can.  He had ruined the spoils of war that I had finally begun accumulating.

As I said I still have the vest.  I don't begrudge Stuffed Sausage Guy his vest, either, and I hope he still has it.  As I continue to judge my spiritual progress or lack of I'll share the fact that the vest has long had a name - The Johnny Morgan - and it is always and only called The Tony Morgan as in: "Hey, SuperK, have you seen The Tony Morgan?"  "Yes, The Tony Morgan is in the wash."  That kind of fairly gossipy humor.

Still makes me laugh, though.

I'm trying to get better.  I'm better than I was.

"Life has every right to say no to our endeavors.  We are judging and rejecting ourselves before life has had a chance to express a choice.  This self-rejection stops us from living the life of our dreams and keeps us trapped in disillusionment.  When life says no to us, as it inevitably will sometimes, we respect that choice also, without self-judgment."