The Fellowship

 We talked about the importance of The Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous at the meeting today.  We're surprised at how isolated we've become.  The Book talks about the loneliness of the professional isolator and the loneliness of the noisy good-times fellow.  We feel apart and we don't know why and it's a crappy feeling.  Sometimes we're sitting alone with the lights out and the blinds drawn watching crappy TV and we feel lonely and then sometimes we're at a crowded bar and we feel like we're on the outside looking in.  Lonely when alone and lonely in a crowd.  Lonely is bad enough but we're lonely and feeling sorry for ourselves.

I had the pleasure of sharing a cup of hot chocolate with my A.A. daughter this week.  A fiercely independent woman who decides what to do and then just does it.  Not a needy person which suits me just fine.  The thought of anyone checking in with me every day gives me The Shivers.  Sometimes I feel my best self is existing like one of those electronic defibrillators you see hanging on the wall to be used when people my age have coronaries and you get to shock the shit out of them in the hopes their heart starts to beat again.  You don't want to have to use it and you know you won't have to use it very often but it's damn good to know it's there.  If I have just a little time with her she starts to tell me what's going on in her life in more detail and then is surprised that I tell her she talks about herself.  We all need to be the center of attention some of the time.  Not all of the time and not never but some of the time.  It's okay to be the focus of attention.  When I'm expressing myself to a friend I learn things simply by listening to myself talk and I get the counsel of others, people who may have more experience or a different way of looking at whatever I've got going on.

I had the pleasure of talking with one of my A.A. sons after a meeting as well.  The kindest man I know, with a heart as big as Mt. Everest, who internalizes everything and makes it his fault and then he figures out what he needs to do to make the other person feel better.  This makes him kind but it also predisposes him to the agony of the futility in trying to save everyone in the world.  Not everything is his fault although he seems to think so much of the time.  This guy I have to have to praise all the time and he's like a deer in the headlights when I do so, clearly uncomfortable that someone isn't blaming him for everything.