Grateful!

Because I need to hear this myself, over and over, I will continue to drone on and on about my fascination with negativity - fueled by wiring, by upbringing, driven by circumstance - and how it colors my take on life.  While I can ruin a good day by catastrophizing I say with satisfaction that I'm rarely stumped and dumbfounded, I rarely say: "Man, I didn't see that coming."  I can feel an oppressiveness to life sometimes because I am imagining what can go wrong but I am nimble on my feet when something actually does go sideways, as it will from time to time.  Those of us who are fearful and anxious by nature don't often get eaten by saber tooth tigers.  The trade-off to not getting eaten is that we spend a lot of time unnecessarily worrying about getting eaten.  There has never been a monster under my bed who has gotten its claws into me.

To wit:  I have a morning Gratitude List to shift my ungrateful ass into a state of gratitude.  There are so many things to be grateful for and that I am grateful for but the constant remembering keeps them in the forefront.  Here's my morning list:

Grateful for my good health and SuperK's good health.  As we age this becomes more of an issue, more aches and pains and deterioration, but our good health is a prize.  We exercise our due diligence - we stay in shape, get enough sleep, manage our stress, cultivate an active social life, don't smoke or eat crap food or drink alcohol or take drugs - but, still, some of the health we enjoy is just being lucky in the gene pool.  There are people who are also doing all of the above but have a family history of cancer.  Or alcoholism, now that I think about it.

I'm grateful for SuperK, my friend and confidant and love.  It's a blessing to have someone in my life with similar interests.  It sure makes everything funnier.   I have been married for almost 37 years and sober for almost 38 and I note with a wry smile that there are a lot more alcoholics with long-term sobriety than with long-term marriages.  Because of our bond I don't suffer from loneliness or isolation.  I read somewhere that chronic isolation among the elderly can be as damaging as excess drinking.

I'm grateful for Those Who Came Before Me: my parents, my beloved sponsor Ken, family members of all types and sizes, all of them with defects and shortcomings, all of them doing their best with a child who was a nightmare in many respects.  I turned out well so they couldn't have done that bad of a job.  How about credit where credit is due?  How about giving them a break when they fell short?  No one gets a manual specific to the children they are asked to rear.  In many cultures daily communion with ancestors is huge - I took a walk along the levies separating rice paddies in a rural Vietnamese community where there were small shrines, many with candles burning and small gifts of food or flowers, erected to honor ancestors, places for the still-living to stop and pause for a moment and remember those who have already gone ahead.

I'm grateful for all of my friends.  I am so blessed with good people in my life.  Some of them I've known my entire adult life and some for a short time; some of them I see or talk to regularly and some I haven't seen in many years; some of the relationships burn hot and furiously for a while and then cool off while some have kept a steady heat; some of my dearest friends irritate the living shit out of me from time to time without severing that long, thin cord that connects us.  Grateful for all of them.  All of them.

(Ed. Note: Before I move on to the last three categories I note with great amusement - great amusement - that these were the three most important categories when I was running and gunning and now they're not.  Still deliciously self-indulgent but in their proper place.  And while none of these blessings are guaranteed it is safe to say that for most of us our material well-being improves in sobriety.  It take a lot of resources to buy alcohol and drugs, fix wrecked cars, fix wrecked bodies, pay lawyers and courts, and straggle along generally between lost jobs.)

I'm grateful for my house.  It's not a fancy house but it's all paid for and located in a quiet neighborhood where I cherish my neighbors, the occasional Boat Guy notwithstanding.

I'm grateful for my cars.  I'm a car guy and I have owned some damn nice cars and I'm driving a super damn nice car right now.  It's a lot better than the 20 year old Plymouth Belvedere station wagon that my grandpa gave me.  In its defence it did run great unless it was hot outside or cold or it had been raining or was about to rain or it hadn't been driven in the last 20 minutes.  When I start my car today I just sit there for a minute marveling that everything is working as it should.

I'm grateful for my funds.  While I was housed and fed at the end of my drinking I was one unexpected expense from being out on my ass.  Today I have extra money.  I'm not living on the edge financially.  I have extra money to blow on nice cars and a house and other treats and sundries.