Nothing Stays the Same - Everything Changes All the Time

As I get older I see people have begun to perceive me in a different light.  I'm usually okay with that.   We change as we get older and we begin to occupy a different place in the world.  Man, am I stating the obvious this morning . . .   I see that for most people who are younger than me that I'm a trusted advisor, a beloved uncle, an occasional stabilizing presence, but that I'm no longer someone to have fun with.  That sounds harsh and depressing - I don't mean it to but there's some truth to it and it can be unsettling.  I can see that someone twenty years younger than me considers me an old guy while living in the very comfortable delusion that someone twenty years younger than they are still considers them a player.  Mostly, I bask in this kind of attention.  My hard-earned wisdom gleaned from years of fucking up and adjusting my behavior, reading, listening can help people if I apply it at the appropriate time and place.

A very, very good friend of mine, a dear, decent man is killing it in the financial world right now so he bought a boat and he occasionally invites several people to spend an afternoon cruising around.  He doesn't invite me - I'm fifteen years older than he is - but he does invite single women twenty years younger than he is.  So you can see the disconnect.  Recently he sent me a text saying that "someone had cancelled and a spot opened up on the boat" for the next outing.  I laughed and shook my head at the callousness of the remark.  He didn't mean to be unkind but . . . whew . . . that was clumsy.  There was some subtext there.  I felt like he might set up a small throne in the bow of the boat where the young people could make pilgrimages to and bring me offerings of flowers and fresh fruit.

To top off this Reckoning that I'm living through, becoming increasingly aware of, the one married guy he invites pays a lot of attention to single women . . . attractive single women . . . and this is annoying me.  SuperK said today: "OK.  I can see you are still able to carry a resentment."  D'oh!  His wife is aware of how he spends his time and - in his telling - is fine with it.  He spends a day from time to time with old girlfriends and has dinner with single women before meetings, that kind of behavior.  I've broached the subject with him a few times and he laughs it off.  I don't think he's taking anything further than these social interactions but I'm more and more uncomfortable with his behavior.  If I said I was going to spend the day with three single women twenty years younger than me - single women in bathing suits or shorts and tank tops - SuperK wouldn't object too strenuously while thinking: "Huh.  He wants to spend the day with them and not with me."  She would understand that I have need to socialize outside my marriage but would be skeptical of the circumstances.  My experience in long-term relationships that when the inevitable blow-up occurs it's almost always the result of a long string of minor irritations.  I try to stay aware of the minor irritations.  I try to minimize the minor irritations as the SuperK Blow Up is a fearsome thing to  endure.

I have no doubt that I'm harboring some resentment over the inevitable facts of aging.  Like I have any options in this department.  And I'm harboring some resentment over this guy's behavior.  Like that's any of my business.  And then there's Hot Tub Guy!  The bastards are coming at me from all sides!  I also need to recognize that my friendships are alive things.  They change and evolve and sometimes they get a lot stronger as I recognize some quality in the other person that I didn't see right away and sometimes they fray when a behavior or characteristic that was initially hidden or concealed becomes apparent.

One of my younger friends - who almost never contacts me - sent along a pretty deep passage from a pretty deep book this morning.  It landed at the right time.  It affirmed that I hold an important place in the hearts of many people while not always enjoying the structure and mechanics of that place.  I don't get to build an image of myself to others and then present it to them while saying: "Here.  This is me."  I'm who they think I am.  That's their prerogative.  I don't get to define myself.