To Thine Own Self Be True

 I'm currently fascinated with The Program and how it can/should be worked.  I see a dichotomy: there are groups where people explain what they've done and how that worked out and then leave you alone.  You are free to follow the path they've taken or to ferret out another path or find another mentor whose actions seem to be a better fit.  My preference, natch, because if you tell me what to do I do a one-eighty and head right off in the opposite direction.  Fucking tell me what to do . . .   My hand can be caught in a vice and I won't take it out if you give me specific instructions on how to lessen the pain.  Dude.

And then there are groups that have a very stylized, organized program of recovery.  Do this, don't do that, come every day, call me at this time, or find another sponsor.  That is so not me and it is so not me both in the way I receive The Message and in the way that I deliver it.  While I'm loath to admit this I have come to see that there are some people who need to be cuffed about the neck and head or they'll never get sober.  Some of us grow up in an environment lacking in discipline.  I often wonder how my life would have worked out if my parents had turned me around and pushed me right back out the front door when I limped home in disgrace after being kicked out of college, broke, directionless, selfish.  Would it have hastened my recovery if they had insisted I get a job and pay rent?  Hard to say.

To Thine Own Self Be True.

Another One Bites the Dust

I received word that a high school classmate a year younger than me recently died.  No cause of death was given.  My high school was small: my class had about 50 in it and there have been 3 deaths that I know of; the following class was smaller still and has had 2 deaths.  We're all in our mid-60s now so this is going to start happening more and more frequently.             

When I relive some of my experiences it's easy in retrospect to pick out who had a drinking problem.  Some guys who drank stopped once they got older, surprising me, and I'm sure there are some alcoholics I didn't know about who ran in different circles, but other than that it's not tough for a drunk to pick out a drunk.  I think it's the whole personality change aspect of alcoholism.  My mind was so hyperactive and it quieted down so quickly when I was drinking that I became a different person.  I was so relieved to have some relief from the anxiety and the racing thoughts that I almost went catatonic.  They just stopped.

Sitting In The Dark

 "Call on God, but row away from the rocks."  Indian Proverb

I was the kind of guy who sat in my room with the lights out and complained about how dark it was.  All I had to do was get up and flick a switch.  It reminds me of all the times I asked for help from a spiritual entity but did none of the work myself.  God isn't a servant.  God doesn't clean up for me.  Establishing a relationship with my Higher Power doesn't mean I'm going to build a dependency outside of myself.  This Power doesn't exist for me to make request after request for things I can do for myself.  I can ask for safety and guidance in the midst of difficult situations but it's up to me to take the initiative for my own safety and well-being.

Whenever I need guidance, peace, and strength I can call on my Higher Power as long as I'm making sure I take responsibility when it's warranted.  God works through me, not for me. 

What Should YOU do? Hmmmmm......

 I had a friend ask me why I thought about his interactions with a couple of guys that he's sponsoring.  Like I have a clue what he should do.  I spoke some vague generalities.  I'm out of the advice business.  I told him what I've done in the past and assured him that he would either do the right thing or he'd fuck up and learn something about himself.  He started smiling, tapped me on the arm, and said: "That's what I love about you - you never tell me what to do."  Repeating myself, saying the same thing over and over, being redundant  . . .  I really don't know what you should do.  Tell me how it goes.

In my home group the secretary announces at the conclusion of the meeting for anyone willing to be a sponsor to raise their hand, giving new people a selection to choose from.  I generally don't volunteer mostly because I'm gone so much, partially because I believe that sponsoring a new guy is a helpful task for newer people who have some time under their belt, and marginally because new people are annoying and I hate to waste any of my precious time on - let's face it - an individual who probably isn't going to get sober.  Nonetheless a new guy approached me after the meeting yesterday and asked me if I sponsor people: "I notice you don't raise your hand."  Jesus, Mary, and Joseph . . .  A friend once told me that he always asked what the person wanted to get out of the relationship as this let him gauge whether or not he could be helpful.  I never say no.  Bastards never follow up anyway and I don't chase people.  It's hard enough to get sober if you're really motivated.  If you're approaching this casually you're likely in for a hard ride.

I like this reminder: "The statute of limitations runs out on your family once you hit forty."  Your family is fine or they aren't and if they aren't they aren't going to change after forty years so let's move on, shall we?  SuperK has really been rounding a corner with her very dysfunctional family and it's making a big difference in her happiness quotient.   My family has been much easier to deal with but I, too,  needed to come to a realization long ago that I was the brown sheep of the family - not totally black but trending that way - and that these people pretty much left me alone.  I was never going to fit in.  After I got sober I took to heart the suggestion that I was to strive to love rather than to be loved so I spent some time reaching out to people who rarely reached out to me.  After a while I thought: "I've never been close to my sister.  Why would I think that would change now?"  We get along fine but we're not close.  It's OK.  If I reach out to her less frequently she's not going to be miserable.  She  probably won't notice it.  She'll probably feel less pressure to respond in kind.

Five to Ten To Life

I like to watch people grow and develop as their recovery progresses.  I note that most meetings are comprised of people with under five years of sobriety and those of us who have been sober twenty years or more.  My perception is that we lose a lot of people at the five to seven year mark.  I'm not saying these people drink or that they regress into some prelapsarian state of moral decay but that it gets easier and more boring - once the dramatic gains of the early years are in the past and the obsession to drink isn't a cute any more - to slack off on recovery.  It can seem more like an unnecessary choir than a sanity/sobriety requirement.

This, I think, is a shame.  I love seeing dramatic surges of spiritual growth in members who are over the five year mark; an admittedly arbitrary number but one that holds water in a lot of cases.  There are a handful of members at my home group that I've seen pass through the chore stage and really blossom as individuals.  There is an aura of peace and lightness and good energy and deep seated contentment around them that makes them a joy to be around.  And it doesn't stop there.  I know of a couple of people who came to realizations when they were well over ten years sober that made a huge difference in their lives - one finally decided he was happier single and removed himself from the dating game; the other shifted her meeting schedule from Chore to Privilege, realizing that she just felt better after attending a meeting and started coming more often, on a whim, instead of slotting her attendance into a grim, unbending schedule.

Speed Kills

"There is more to life than increasing its speed."  Mahatma Gandhi

Life isn't a race won by the fastest.  If we set a goal and don't attain it within the time frame we set, we have not failed but must readjust our schedule.  Living to the fullest doesn't mean living in the fast lane.  It means taking the scenic route, stopping often to appreciate the view, and sharing the ride.

The Dali Lama:  "What we usually experience as pleasure is mostly a diminishment of pain.  If good food or drink, for example, really were just pleasurable - if they had an inner nature of pleasure - then no matter how much we ate or drank, we would feel greater and greater happiness in equal measure.  Instead if we partake excessively we begin to suffer in our bodies and our minds."

And here are abbreviated summaries of some of his suggestions for a daily practice geared at increasing our mindfulness:                                                                                                                        1.  Examine your motivation as often as you can.                                                                                         2.   At night examine what you did during the day.                                                                                     3.   Analyze your life closely.                                                                                                                           4.   Adopt a positive attitude in the face of difficulty.                                                                                   5.   Regularly evaluate the negative and positive effects of feelings and action.                                       6.   Continue your analysis.                                                                                                                             7.   Repeated reflection on the disadvantages of selfish behavior will diminish this behavior. 

Man, it's a lot of personal inventories over and over and over.  Buddhists must be difficult students just like alcoholics: repeat the same thing over and over and over.  The Lama doesn't even bother changing his words very much, preferring the same simple declarations.

Do this do this do this do this do this and . . . oh, yeah . . . do this, too.

Seaweed The Brat

 "Keep this in mind: By greeting trouble with optimism and hope, you are undermining worse troubles down the line.  Beyond that, imagine that you are easing the burden of everyone suffering problems of that kind.  This practice - imagining that by accepting your  pain you are using up the negative karma of everyone destined to feel such pain - is very helpful.  Whether this meditation really helps others or not, it give me peace of mind.  Then I can be  more effective; the benefit is immense."

So sayeth the Dali Lama . . . 

I've said it before and I'll say it again: spirituality is chock full of basic principles that stay remarkably consistent as you move from religion to philosophy and back again.  The same themes come up over and over.  Unfortunately, there are some flaws in organized religions that seem to come up over and over, too, especially when I look at the behavior of the most committed, hard-line adherents of the three monotheistic religions.  But the point here is that in Alcoholics Anonymous we believe that a difficulty surmounted makes us uniquely able to pass along a message of comfort and hope somewhere down the line.  Choosing my timing carefully, gauging each situation on a case by case basis, I often tell someone in some pain that sometime in the future they'll really be able to help someone who is experiencing a similar problem.  The idea of accepting my pain right now so that I can take away someone else's pain later on is a different way of saying that my experience, strength, and hope will benefit another member going through the same experience.  It's a little goofier and mystical to talk about karma for us Westerners but, boy, the basic idea is sound.

Brat:  An annoying, spoiled, or impolite child.

When I introduce newcomers to a woman I've known since you got sober seven years ago I playfully remark on what a . . . ah . . . pain in the ass she was for her formative years.  Last time she matter-of-factly stated: "I was a brat." I love that word.  A bunch of brats.

The good news is there's a solution - the bad news is that it's us.

Who Would Not Ordinarily Mix

There's a guy I know who has been sober forever and is adamant about calling himself "recovered."  I ponder this a lot.  I respect this guy, generally, and understand his reliance on the passage in the introduction from The Big Book that talks about there being one hundred or so people who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. In fact, the word "recovered"occurs far more often in the literature than you'd think - certainly more often than "recovering." But I also get very wary when someone takes a passage out of a book and blows it into an impossibly large cornerstone.  To me it's a useless matter of semantics - recover, recovering, recovered, whatever.  He thinks that it's a terrible message to send to a new person to say "I'm an alcoholic."  I think it's a dicey message to send to a new person to imply that I'm recovered and will never drink again.  I do believe, if I keep doing what I'm doing, that I'll never have to pick up a drink again (Dr. Bob's words, not mine) but I've seen way too many people cock-sure about their recovery relapse and never get sober. Personally, I believe that I'm still an alcoholic but that I'm no longer a drunk.

So . . . am I assured of never drinking again or is it a possibility?  Mental masturbation.  I fully expect to die sober but there are a lot of people who thought the same thing and ended up expiring in a shower of alcohol.

I do agree with his premise that alcoholism isn't an illness that can be cured by simply removing alcohol from the subject.  If that were true then treatment centers would be turning out winners by the millions.  "Alcohol is but a symptom."  If we don't get down to the root causes and conditions then our recovery is tenuous.  I think it's important to state unequivocally that if we don't figure out why we drink then just not drinking is going to be painful and ultimately unsatisfying.  Most of us have lived through the occasional dry drunk.  My record of drug/alcohol abstinence before I found Alcoholics Anonymous was eight days and a more miserable eight days I cannot imagine.

One of the facets of this guy that bugs me is that he's so cocksure about his opinion.  I try never to state anything as an A.A. fact.  I try to tell people what worked for me and then let them find their own path.  That being said I do believe that there is an important place in A.A. for these incredibly strong-willed, confident people.  Some of us are recalcitrant children who need to be told what to do.  I talked to a dude the other day who asked a hard ass to be his sponsor only to be told: "I come to a seven A.M. meeting every day.  If you can't commit to doing that, too, then you need to find someone else."  Jesus, there is absolutely no one in the world that I'd want to see every day.  But maybe this new guy is just fucking around with his recovery and needs some firm direction.

We are people who would not ordinarily mix.

More Religion V Spirituality

When I was getting sober I was still in full rebellion against the organized Christian religion that was such a cornerstone of my upbringing.  Too many warnings and threats, too much guilt and remorse, too much begging for forgiveness for things that seemed pretty normal to me.  And the long prayers!  There I would be in church, hungover as all get out, queasy stomach, trying to balance myself on a kneeler while the pastor droned on and on about the most mundane crap.  I no longer have this resentment, realizing that I was concentrating fiercely on the things that I didn't like and ignoring the things that should have been palatable, but it took me a long time to get there.    

Here's the Dali Lama . . .                                                                                                                                 "Here are what the Buddhists call the ten nonvirtues, organized into three categories: (1) Physical - killing, stealing, and sexual misconduct.  (2) Verbal - lying, divisive talk, harsh speech, and senseless chatter.  (3) Mental - covetousness, harmful intent, and wrong views."

It amuses me to note that there are ten nonvirtues.  Anybody see a parallel between the ten commandments?  Anybody see the remarkable similarities between the Christian commandments and the Buddhist nonvirtues?  One of my enduring, permanent installed VCR tapes is that the basics of a decent life were figured out eons ago and no one has really come up with anything new in a few centuries.  What did I think?  That a group of people were getting together and trying to figure out a better way to live and they finally decided: "Eh . . . murder?  We can leave that one off.  Don't see what the big deal is."  Other than that these two lists match up pretty closely, the big difference being that the Christians put a lot of pressure on us to prostrate ourselves before The Big Guy, a stance that the rebellious alcoholic hates.

I admit to enjoying the inclusion of "senseless chatter" in the Buddhist lexicon.  A guy in The Program that I respected once told me that he talked when he had something to say.  We have a timer at our morning meeting that very few people pay attention to.  It's three minutes, for God's sake!  I'm proud of the fact that I've never gone over the limit.  Anything past three is senseless chatter.

The Dude and His Dog

One of the cornerstones of my morning Quiet Time is a request that I be shown how I can be of service to another person.  I leave this wide, wide open, aware that the ways I can be of service are often routine and mundane.  I'm a Big Thinker - I like to imagine myself being of service in huge, public ways, not in the little kindnesses that make up so much of daily life.  Keynote address at the international conference of Alcoholics Anonymous or taking the time to learn a little something  about the young woman at the corner coffee shop who normally makes my drink.

I've mentioned the dude who has invited himself along on my post-meeting beach walks in the morning and that I wish he'd walk elsewhere with someone else.  I'm at great pains to emphasize that this is a perfectly fine dude.  The problem is that I don't think he's very interesting and that he's quite not funny.  Why is it that people who think they're funny aren't usually funny at all? "No, no, don't tell me another joke," I'm constantly thinking, preparing my shallow and fake smile, changing the topic as quickly as I can.  Now I'm not saying that I'm particularly fascinating or anything or that my analysis of his sense of humor is accurate, just that I don't think he's funny and that his presence on my walks is unwanted.  To be honest, I use that time in the morning to be by myself, to make phone calls to people I do like, or to listen to music.  Like most introverts the presence of another person - and it makes no difference who that other person is - ruins everything.  I'd rather be by myself than with someone else - even with someone I like, for chrissake - so this dude is really chapping my ass.

Yesterday I went to the meeting and the boring dude wasn't there.  Yesssss.  A dude-free walk was in my future.  Then, ruining my plans, at the last minute, literally while we were standing to pray out, there he is, strolling in.  I'm pretty sure that he came to the meeting so that he could meet up with me and then we could walk together.   He then made me wait for five minutes so he could go inside his house and get his dog saddled up.  I really like his dog which is crucial because I was really offended that I had to wait for him to return.  What a nightmare, right?  What an injustice, an imposition, a cosmic joke.

Later, as we strolled along - he turns back at about the halfway point so there's that good news, that and the dog - in the course of a routine question - I'm pretty sure he's never asked me anything about myself - he mentions that he wants to lose some weight and that he's been having a hard time getting started on a exercise program and that these morning walks with me have kick-started a daily walk regimen and for that he's grateful.  

God has these plans for me.  God answers my prayers in ways that baffle and amuse me.  For instance, there are a number of women at the meeting.  Why can't one of them decide to walk with me in the morning?  There are a number of people that I like at the meeting and some of them are these women that I just mentioned.  Again, why not one of them?  I'm grateful to my Higher Power for presenting me with opportunities to be of service - it's only that I'd like him to be more accommodating about  it.

Well, Personally

Samsara: The cycle of death and rebirth to which life in the material world is bound.  There are six levels that make up the possible range of existence in samsara: the gods, demi-gods, humans, animals, hungry ghosts, and hell denizens.

Well, personally I'm going to either pass on the last two or reside there exclusively.  I mean . . . I get what a hell denizens is but I'm unclear about the hungry ghosts which would be an EXCELLENT name for a hard rock band.

Bodishattvas:  One whose goal is awakening; hence, an individual on the path to becoming a Buddha.

Well, personally, I'm good with the first part but I'm having trouble even finding the path referenced in the second half.

Tantra:  This philosophy in early Hindu thought centers around special techniques for imagining a fully developed state of body and mind effectively helping others.  It provides a way to restrain and thus transcend our limited perception of our bodies and minds so we may perceive ourselves shining with wisdom and compassion.  Not to be confused with tantrum.  That concept I'm familiar with.

The main thing I like about Buddhism is that it's so positive.  It really emphasizes getting better without the "you're going to be punished if you don't get better" part.  The monotheistic religions are so sure of themselves: "This is how it's done and if you do otherwise you're going to burn forever in a lake of fire."  That isn't very fun.  I have a fertile imagination and I couldn't come up with lake of fire.  Who comes up with this stuff?  You have to put that in the book?  "Welcome everyone to our service this morning.  It's a beautiful day and we have coffee and cake after the service and let's not forget about an eternity being burned alive but never dying so let's not fuck up out there today.  Okay, it's time for the kiddie sermon.  Will all of the small children who haven't shit themselves out of sheer terror come on down front and sit real close to their real fun pastor."

Think, Think, Think

 "We come into this world crying while all around us are smiling.  May we so live that we go out of this world smiling while everybody around us is weeping."  Persian Proverb

Directly from my morning meditation book this day:

"Do we matter to others?  Have our lives touched the lives of others?  Do we think of ourselves as important and worthwhile?  

There are many lives we touch in a day, a week, months, or years.  Each of these lives was meant to touch ours.  We are meant to exist.  We are children of our Higher Power, who are watched constantly with love and concern.

We do matter to those around us.  Birth, as well as death, herald the entrance and the exit of a life filled with meaning and purpose.  We were meant to be here now, not only for ourselves but for the many lives around us.  Our lives are important and worthwhile to all the people we know."

I hear people all the time speak as if their lives have little meaning.  I understand this.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going through the motions, humdrumming the routine of an ordinary life, not noticed or appreciated by others.  Not too often anymore, I'm happy to report.  I've quit trying to be profound and important and started to be kind and present.  I have young people who work at my coffee shop who are glad to see me and it goes up from there.  So let's try to remember to tell people who much we care for them more frequently than we do.

The topic of today's meeting was a reminder to be on the lookout for our tendency to overthink things.  I get that.  I'm a great thinker, thinking great thoughts.  My M.O. when I was still drinking was Drink and Think, Drink and Think.  I didn't do much with any of my great thoughts, however, so I was pleased to hear the A.A. slogan "You can't think your way into good action but you can act your way into good thinking."  I'm reminded that the Big Book does not have chapters that are labeled "How We Think" or "Into Thinking" or "More About Thinking."  And I need to remember that the function of our brains is to think and there's a lot of good reasons for that - we're watching out for danger and putting together sound plans and remembering important shit.  And if we've lived a whole life of letting our brains run hog-wild then they're naturally going to be resistant if we try to rein them in.  I remind myself often that I can have trouble quieting my mind for two consecutive breaths when I try to meditate.  That sucker just fires up with the most random thoughts.

Be Nice

 From the Dali Lama . . . .

"Cultivating an attitude of compassion and developing wisdom are slow processes.  Untamed states of mind become less and less frequent.  You will need to practice these techniques day by day, year by year because all spiritual progress depends on a foundation of proper morality.  The main principle of Buddhist morality is to help others and, if that is not possible, at least to do no harm."

Man, the Buddhists sure give us a lovely out, a wonderful pass.  Let's paraphrase: "Be nice and if that isn't possible then you can at least not be a total asshole."  Again the idea of being a spiritual person ala St. Francis: be the kind of person that brings a smile to everyone's face.  Be kind and loving and understanding, slow to judge, really slow to anger. 

Sometimes it may sound like I'm tapping into all of this wonderful, ancient wisdom and philosophy and there's some truth to that - I'm agog at all the insightful texts out there that can guide us through life, if we'd only let them.  The hidden truth, however, the dark secret . . . is that every act, every thought, every memory that drives me can either be found in The Simpsons or Seinfeld.  Simple as that.  No one cuts to the heart of the matter like Homer or George Costanza.  SuperK recently mentioned the episode where Jerry's girlfriend hates George so much that he falls in love with her.  Doesn't this ring true for the alcoholic?  If there are 19 people who like me and one who doesn't I'm drawn to the one I rub the wrong way.

Prayer of Saint Assisi

"External peace is impossible without inner peace.  It is noble to work at external solutions, but they cannot be successfully implemented so long as people have hatred and anger in their minds.  This has taught me that the perspectives of compassion, calm, and insight are essential to daily life and must be cultivated in daily practice.  Trouble is bound to come, so cultivating the right attitude is crucial.  The essential objective of daily practice is to cultivate an attitude of compassion and calm.  And to achieve a friendly attitude, a warm heart, respect for the rights of others, and concern for their welfare you must train the mind.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.

It's an impressive prayer, this Prayer of St. Assisi. And he has a good back story: a rich kid who tired of the dissipated lifestyle he was living and returned home to meditate and teach and comfort and write. He eventually became quite well-known and, as often happens, his fame attracted a lot of hangers-on and other toadies who built a huge cathedral in his honor. They didn't ask him first, of course, because they were really building the cathedral for themselves. Eventually he must have said "fuck it, I'm outta here" because he retired to the outskirts of town, taking up residence in a cave or hut of some kind, better suited to the spiritual life he was trying to lead.

I'm not big on formal prayers but this one's pretty good. An instrument of peace, striving to bring love and understanding and hope and comfort and joy and light . . . I like that word: light. It brings to mind good energy, positivity. I hope that people feel lighter and freer after they've been in my presence. Not heavy. Some people make me feel like I've eaten a heavy meal - a crappy heavy meal in a dank stone corridor.

Torture and Isolation

 "Our growth depends on our mental, physical, and spiritual health.  Yet too often we may spend more time on physical and mental growth than on spiritual growth.  When this  happens, all three suffer."  Anonymous

"There are three things that only God  knows: the beginning of things, the cause of things, and the end of things."  Welsh Proverb

There was a new guy at the meeting today.  The new people don't usually share - we read the second half of Step Five in the 12 & 12 which must sound pretty esoteric to a newcomer - so I almost always interrupt the proceedings before we formally close to ask if they'd like to check in or at least introduce themselves.  He said: "All I can say is after reading from Step Five I'm glad I'm still on Step One."  That got a big laugh.

Last week we read this in Step Five: "What are we likely to receive from Step Five?  For one thing, we shall get rid of that terrible sense of isolation we've always had.  Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness."

Isolation:  Being cut off from others, often involuntarily; being separate and not connected to other things.                                                                                                                                                              Torture:  The action of inflicting severe pain or suffering on someone (Ed. Note: In this case one's own self) as a punishment.

 And at the end of Step Five we receive another unofficial Promise: "This feeling of being at one with God and man, this emerging from isolation through the open and honest sharing of our terrrible burden of guilt, brings us to a resting place where we may prepare ourselves for the following Steps toward a full and meaningful sobriety." 

I really like this idea of a community where distinct individuals strive for the common good, sometimes in conflict with what they want or feel they need to happen to themselves.  This is one way we get comfortable being around other people.  I don't walk around all the time now worrying that someone is going to screw me.  I figure a normal amount of getting screwed is going to come my way regardless of what I do so I might as well take my dose of screwing with cheer and good humor.  The relief is that I'm not so suspicious of everyone, wondering what ulterior motive someone has to screw me over.   Especially since no one is thinking of me.

Don't Tell Me What To Do

 One of the great joys I have in Alcoholics Anonymous is running into other pig-headed people like me.  One of my little sisters in recovery uses the word "brat."  I love that word.  I don't call myself a jerk or an asshole or any other over the top words anymore - I was a brat and I am, occasionally, a brat to this day.  When the Keep It Complicated meeting lost half its membership to a splinter group it was interesting to see that the people who left were the "This is how you have to do it" individuals.  Personally, I'm not opposed to this kind of Program.  There are a lot of recalcitrant children in adult bodies coming into The Rooms who need this kind of strict, tough, rule-based love.  I was not one of them and I gravitate to people - to brats - who are like me.  I don't like being told what to do so much that I usually don't do what I'm being told to do even when it's harmful to me.  If I'm sitting in shit and you tell me to get up and move then I'm going to grind my assbones into the shit more firmly but if you give me a little time to watch you get up and move out of the shit onto dry land where you can wash off and get into some clean clothes I'll eventually figure the shit out and do it myself.

Walking, Talking Bullshit Machine

 The phrase "I was a walking, talking bullshit machine" came across my mind this morning.  

I once had a therapist tell me that I was "the most self-aware person" she had ever counseled.  She was clearly not aware of the sustained and rigorous self-examination that the recovery process entails.  Look at yourself, look at yourself, look at yourself are the three main pillars of the inventory process.  Quit looking at other people.  They aren't the problem.  I'm always amazed at how self-centered we are.  Whenever someone does something that impacts us personally we assume that it's a reaction to something we've done or said or to who we are as a person.  Again, I shout: "No one is thinking about you!"

Here's the Dali Lama: "Each of us has a responsibility to try to help at the deeper level of our common humanity.  In the deepest sense we are really sisters and brothers, so we must share one another's suffering.  Mutual respect, trust, and concern for one another's welfare are our best hope for lasting world peace.  I am convinced that despite different cultures and different political and economic systems, we are all basically the same.  I believe that the practice of compassion and love - a genuine sense of brotherhood and sisterhood - is the universal religion  What matters is your feeling of oneness with humankind."

Grab That Power

"We must will to have God's power and we must ask God for it.  God's power is blocked off from us by our indifference to it.  We can go along our own selfish way without calling on God's help and we get no power.  But when we trust in God, we can will to have the power we need."  A.A. Pamplet

I often think about how much time each day I spent planning getting high and drunk, getting my drugs and alcohol and consuming my drugs and alcohol, and getting over drinking too much the next day, before beginning the cycle again.  It was a lot of time.  And it was expensive.  Then I ponder how much time each day I spend on my recovery.  It isn't as much time as I spent on my addiction.  Sometimes I resentful that I have to spend so much time not being an asshole and then I think of the benefits my recovery has given me.  I see people all the time in A.A. that are stuck, sort of swirling around in a holding pattern.  When I ask the magic question: "So . . . how's your Program going?"  I get a deer-in-the-headlights look more often than not.  Shit in - shit out.

Spiritual Seaweed?

Because I'm never satisfied with talking about myself here is the letter we sent to the travel agency that handled our travel plans.  When the cruise company asked for feedback on the agency SuperK and I demurred, preferring to talk with the agent first, as a courtesy.  The woman is a lovely person who technically followed the letter of the law; it was a case where our error (and - yes - this is ultimately our responsibility and ours alone) could have been caught a number of times before it became fatal but each and every time it blew through the stop signs.  What I'm proud of, ultimately, is that we've learned the lesson of not doing anything or saying anything when our emotions are running high.  After the stunning debacle at the airport we were shocked and pissed but mostly afraid.  So don't act - that's the lesson.  I feel like we paused when agitated and were able to handle our disappointment calmly and with dignity.  Spiritually is the word I'm looking for.  Intuitively handling situations which used to baffle us.  Taking action not based on a sudden hunch or inspiration but as a regular way of thinking.

Hi, there:

I wanted to loop back around and give you an update with our cruise company.  After a lot of communication they offered us some portion of our fare as a credit on a future cruise to be taken in 2024 and for that we are grateful.  They did ask about our interactions with our travel advisor - we were noncommittal at the time but did promise to expound further.

Our questions to you . . . 

1.  A reminder to check our passport validity would have prevented this foul-up as we would have had time to apply for a renewal under emergency conditions and would have been able to make the cruise.  Neither of us can remember you doing this verbally and it is nowhere to be found in any of our electronic communications. 

2.  We booked airline tickets as part of our package unaware that they were non-refundable.  The disruption to travel caused by CoVid made this unusual for most airlines as long as you're willing to take a credit.  We have done this already in the past.  It was distressing to find out we were out the entire cost of the tickets.

3.  While the cruise line's generosity has helped a lot we are still out of pocket a lot of money.  I know that the travel advisor and the travel agency receive substantial commissions on each booking.  So our question is this: do you and/or Avoya bear any financial responsibility here?

We have not completed our evaluation yet as we wanted to loop you in as a courtesy.  They asked a lot of questions as this cost them a chunk of money as well.

Your thoughts?

Little Stevie Seaweed

Salvador Dali Lama

 Here's the Dali Lama  . . . . 

Human beings share the same basic goals: we all seek happiness and do not want suffering.  There are two ways to create happiness.  The first is external (clothes, cars, houses, relationships, etc.).  The second is through mental development, which yields inner happiness.  However, these two approaches are not equally viable.  External happiness cannot last long without its counterpart.  If something is lacking in your  perspective - if something is missing in your heart - then despite the most luxurious surroundings, you cannot be happy.  However, if you have peace of mind, you can find happiness even under the most difficult circumstances."

He continues . . . 

"We must minimize anger and cultivate kindness and a warm heart.  Developing a warm heart ourselves can also transform others.  The central method for achieving a happier life is to train your mind in a daily practice that weakens negative attitudes and strengthens positive ones.  Many of our problems stem from attitudes like putting ourselves first at all costs.  I know from my own experience that it is possible to change these attitudes and improve the human mind.  With patience, and practice, and time, change will come."

There's a guy at my meeting who likes me more than I like him.  He's a nice enough dude he's just not my cup of tea.  I find him boring most of the time.  I'm not saying he IS boring but rather I FIND him boring.  Maybe it's me that's boring.  Don't give a shit  - the point is that he has asked if he can join me with his dog (who I adore) on my beach walks after the meeting.  These walks are precious alone time for me, earplugs in, blasting the blues or something in the heavy metal genre, looking at the waves breaking on the sand, occasionally running into someone I know for a brief conversation.  I really don't WANT to walk with him.  Yet . . . there I am each morning . . . asking God to show me how I can be of service to someone else.  Sigh.

Send Me A Letter

So I mentioned this trip cancellation . . . er . . . postponement . . .  ah . . .  big fuck-up that cost us a lot of money.  We threw ourselves on the mercy of the cruise company as they would have been within their rights to have taken the money with a shrug, leaving us shit out of luck.  They did not do this. They did not give all of it back but that seemed fair to us, and the amount seemed like a compromise on both of our parts.  SuperK and I take pride in the fact that we were persistent but kind and understanding and never, never angry.  If you'd like to see me do something stupid get me riled up.  Anyway, this is the letter I sent to their executive department:

Good day to the guest relations team.

SuperK and I wanted to make sure how grateful and pleased we were to receive this generous consideration.  We would have loved, of course, a full refund of the cost of the cruise but certainly understand that our last minute cancellation came at a cost to your company.  We also understand that we were outside of clearly stated terms that meant we could have been left incurring the entire cost.  To hear you intimate that we might receive a 75% refund (which we hoped for) or a 50% refund (which we would have gratefully accepted) was a great relief to us, and receiving an amount somewhere in between was a nice compromise for the best of us.  

We have been traveling independently to international destinations for 30 years and have just recently begun taking advantage of the convenience of cruise holidays (alas, age is slowly catching up with us).  So we're at the start of our cruising years, we think.  So far we have taken a couple of voyages with a competitor and three with you, and have settled on your company as our preferred choice.  Hopefully this shows our commitment to future business for you . . . which makes your generosity both appreciated on our end and good business sense on yours.  We're actively looking at Antarctica, the South Seas, and the eastern Mediterranean in the next few years (love the new expedition ships - wow!).

And as a general observation we are so impressed with the quality of your employees.  From the captain and hotel manager to the wonderful restaurant staff to our cabin attendants to the expedition guides (too many to note) to the staff who took our initial calls and got us to the assistant who took the most amazingly accurate notes of our conversation (which meant she was really listening).   SuperK and I both worked in technical sales and we understand that - as a job requirement - there's a certain amount of patience and tolerance involved in dealing with the public.  We also have a keen radar for when the patience and tolerance - and affection - is real  and when it's forced, and this was real.

We are in communication with our travel advisor and will provide feedback in the near future about these efforts.

Step Five

 I love literature meetings.  You can be in a room full of idiots and still have a good meeting.  Today we read the first few pages from Step 5 from the 12 & 12.  It's quite the Step, that number 5.  When I wrote my 4th Step it was the first time in my life that I tried to be honest about myself - hard enough but a piece of cake compared to talking about those things with another live human being.  It's kind of like asking a girl out in front of a mirror as opposed to her standing right in front of you.  It's a lot easier being hip, slick, and cool when you're talking to yourself.

Here's some tidbits . . . "Unconsciously seeking relief, alcoholics sometimes accuse even their best friends of the very character defects they themselves were trying to conceal.  They always discovered that relief never came by confessing the sins of other people.  Everybody had to confess his own."  

Whenever I hear someone pointing out the bad behavior of another I inevitably see that very same defect in the bitching person.

"What are we likely to receive from Step 5?  For one thing, we shall get rid of that terrible sense of isolation we've always had.  Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness.  Even before our drinking got bad and people cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn't quite belong.  There was always that mysterious barrier we could neither surmount nor understand."

Torture:  Inflict severe pain or suffering on.                                                                                                Suffer:   To endure death, pain, or distress.                                                                                    Terrible:  Extremely or distressingly bad or serious.

As a word guy I love the excess in Bill W's writing.  He uses such graphic words.  I am reminded to ponder just how alone I was when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous.  I always felt like I got to the school after the books were passed out.  Everyone seemed to have skills and knowldge and coping mechanisms that I didn't have.  Every now and then I'll see a bit of a cricket match.  I have absolutely no idea what's going on in a game of cricket.  It's as if someone said: "Seaweed!  We need a double sticky wicket!  Fungoe the ball into the third quadrant!"  One of the greatest gifts of A.A. is the feeling of belonging that I have.  I'm part of something.  A dubious something, sure, but at least I'm on the inside.  That sense of isolation!  Goddamn, was that awful

"Another great dividend we may expect from confiding our defects to another human being is humility - a word often misunderstood."

Humility:         A modest view of one's own importance.                                                                           Humiliation:    Make someone feel ashamed or foolish by injuring their dignity and self-respect, especially in public.

Does Prayer Change Things?

 When I was a child I was forced to attend a pretty conservative Christian church.  Not scary conservative - no one was handling snakes or anything - but conservative.  It was comforting to me to attend, partly for the sense of community, that I was with other people heading in the same direction, partly for the relief it gave me to feel like there was something greater out there.  Unfortunately, I was also highly sensitive to the You Shall Nots and the You Musts.  I was an anxious, fearful child who took everything way too seriously and any implication that I was falling short or misbehaving had an outsized effect on me, and this made me more anxious and fearful, especially when confronted with images like burning on a lake of fire for all eternity.  Lovely shit to tell a ten year old.   Like most alcoholics, desperately unhappy, hyper-aware of the hypocrisy and inconsistencies that can be found in any religion or philosophical pursuit, I turned away from my faith.  It has taken me a long time to get back home.

For most of my sobriety I didn't put much stake in prayer, feeling it had too many religious overtones.  At some point I noted that The Big Book states that when meditation, self-examination, and prayer are linked together logically then the benefit exceeds what the three of them could do separately.  1 + 1 + 1 = 5 sort of thing.  We were getting ready to take a trip many years ago when my very religious mother suggested that I pray for a safe voyage.  I demurred, wary of asking God for specific things.  I don't think God is going to answer if I pray for a good parking spot or to win the lottery, even when I add "if it be thy will" onto the prayer.  "Can't hurt to ask," mom opined.  I know when someone asks me for a favor I feel honored but the thought of asking God for a favor?  I can only imagine an offended, vengeful God taking the request and twisting it around so that it ends with a horrible, painful twist.

It occurred to me that I hadn't asked for a successful outcome to my money woes in my morning meditation.  Because mommy said it couldn't hurt to ask I asked.  That day I received a phone call from a guest relations supervisor with the tour company who strongly hinted that some kind of compensation could be expected.  She was a little cagey with the number but SuperK and I had resigned ourselves to a big, fat goose egg.  I'm still chuckling.  Does prayer change things?  Or did I just get what I wanted and it was a coincidence that I had made the request?  

Dunno.  Doesn't hurt to ask

The Beatitudes

Blessed are the poor in spirit . . . for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn . . . for they shall be comforted.

Blessed are the meek. . .  for they shall inherit the earth.  (Meek - humble, gentle, or mild.  It does not mean easily cowed or taken advantage of.)

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness . . . for they shall be satisfied.  (Righteous - behaving in a manner that conforms to the standards of God . . . or a Higher Power or in something greater than ourselves.  An impossible standard but a goal that I can aspire to reach.)

Blessed are the merciful . . . for they shall obtain mercy.  (Mercy - forgiving or withholding punishment.)

Blessed are the pure in heart . . .  for they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers . . . for they shall be called children of God.

Blessed are those who suffer persecution for righteousness sake . . . for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

These are the Beatitudes that were part of a sermon given by Jesus called the Sermon on the Mount.  I have a lot of resistance to wisdom that is found in conventional religious texts.  I'm not entirely sure why.  Suspicion, ignorance, a need to swim against the current, a tendency to compare these texts to flawed people on earth that I see as behaving in a hypocritical fashion . . .   But if you strip out the context you can find some really good shit.

To be blessed when I'm mourning or suffering from a wounded, wanted spirit or being persecuted    . . .  how comforting is that?  To be blessed when I'm humble or reducing conflict and animosity or being merciful . . . I mean, c'mon!  All I have to do is not be an asshole and I get blessed?  And how about a blessing just for aspiring to purity and attempting to hold myself to an impossibly high standard?  Give it a shot and I'm blessed?  Wow.  Gimme some more of this stuff.

When I visited Israel we went to the Sea of Galilee and visited a small, old church where Jesus is reported to have preached the Sermon on the Mount that included the Beatitudes.  It was very quiet and there was a beautiful walled garden that looked down on the water far below.  I was able to strip out the overtly religious overtones and enjoy the peace of the location and contemplate the beauty of the spirit behind the words.  It was quite an experience.

Sober Up a Drunk Horse Thief and You Have A Sober Horse Thief

More from Bill W . . .  This on the topic of Emotional Sobriety . . . 

 "I've taken immense wallops trying to achieve top approval, perfect security and perfect romance all because of my failure to grow up, emotionally and spiritually.  My basic flaw had always been dependence - almost absolute dependence - on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security and the like.  Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them.  And when defeat came, so did my depression.  Self-realization of this dependence helped to trigger my release into my present degree of stability and quietness of mind, qualities which I am now trying to consolidate by offering love to others regardless of the return to me.  This seems to be the primary healing circuit: an outgoing love of God's creation and His people, by means of which we avail ourselves of His love for us.  I now know that my happiness is a by-product -- the extra dividend of giving without any demand for a return.  My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive."

I'm always hungry to hear about how we grow as people - as spiritual beings - once we rid our lives of alcohol and drugs.  The Three Esses: Sex, Society, and Security.  The Alcoholics Anonymous program is full of reminders that alcohol is but a symptom of our disease and that it's our rampant greed when it comes to money, the sex relation, and our desire to be someone in the company of our fellows that causes us problems.  "Practically all the problems there are," says The Book.  There's a strong emphasis on the difference between healthy instinctual drives and the over-the-top, out-of-control ones that define alcoholics.  I think Bill W is really onto something when he talks about the realization that when he gives with no expectation that his giving will be reciprocated that it's at that point when he experiences real emotional growth.

Sober up a drunk asshole and you end up with an asshole.  It's the asshole part that we're working on now.