Joy: A feeling of great pleasure and happiness, as in "tears of joy." The Bible would suggest that joy is the ability to respond to life's difficult situations with inner contentment and satisfaction.
My insurance company - tapping some vein of infinite wisdom that probably makes sense to them but is opaque to normal people - has decided that the refill for my low dose of a mild anti-depressant has to be prescribed by a mental health professional, that my regular doctor can no longer do this, even though I've taken the same thing for over 20 years. Fine. Whatever. I set up an appointment with a counselor who, of course, had to spend some time getting to know me. Also fine. I've seen some mental health professionals in my time in The Program and found all three of them to be wonderfully helpful. I'm wide open to suggestions. Because this drug treats depression and anxiety some of the questions she asked were to assure her that I wasn't going to kill myself or go up on the top of some building and start shooting at people. Fine and that makes sense. I'm pretty sure she's a caring person who doesn't want me to do either of those things. And on a more cynical note I'm also pretty sure that the insurance company doesn't want to pay to clean up the aftermath of them.
So I get asked questions wondering if I have suicidal thoughts or do I lose my appetite and the like. The one question they always ask is what brings you joy? That one always freezes me in my tracks. Joy. Joy is such a religious word to me. I think of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir joyfully singing some joyful song. I do a lot of things that I find satisfying but I'm generally not a whoopie kai yah! kind of person. I don't live on the surface of my emotions like that. I do things that bring me satisfaction and pleasure and a sense of well-being because I've accomplished or investigated something important to me, but happiness? I dunno. That's a weird concept. That's a kindergarten concept. I gave away my Matchbox cars a long time ago. (Funny story about that - I carried a case of those around for 30 years, from city to city and state to state, having bought into my mother's assurances that they were "worth a lot." I think I sold like 100 of them for $12.)
SuperK and I had a nice, free-wheeling discussion about joy last night. She's got a better handle on joy than I do but she's a little vague sometimes as well. I slept well, had a nice Quiet Time, and then decided to join a downtown L.A. meeting I go to from time to time. (People from all over the U.S. show up, probably hoping to see a movie star, which is not happening.) The Tuesday format is to read from the Daily Reflections which I will reproduce verbatim here:
"Sobriety fills the painful "hole in the soul" that my alcoholism created. Often I feel so physically well that I believe my work is done. However, joy is not just the absence of pain; it is the gift of continued spiritual awakening. Joy comes from ongoing and active study, as well as application of the principles of recovery in my everyday life, and from sharing that experience with others. My Higher Power presents many opportunities for deeper spiritual awakening. I need only to bring into my recovery the willingness to grow. Today I am ready to grow."
We have all kinds of names for this phenomenon: A God shot or a coincidence or serendipity. I just know that if I keep showing up then these things keep happening.
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