Why Do I Do Anything That I Do?

Defect:  A fault or malfunction.
Shortcoming: Deficiency.

SuperK and I had a free-ranging discussion about the tenacity of some of our defects -  shortcomings? -  and the best way to root them out.  We inevitably return to the The 12 Steps as a pretty effective starting point for correcting our flaws, even for those that we see as relatively minor.  Taking a good, honest look at a situation, doing some writing and talking about what we find, and then getting god involved is always a good place to start.

Ever defensive, I vigorously defended myself.  My theory is that the best defense is a BIG offense.  Whenever a baseball team is struggling I subscribe to BYL's stance that you need more hitters - that was always his solution to whatever woes were afflicting our team.  "More hitters," he would say dismissively.

"I'm working The Steps," I pointed out.  "I've been doing a ton of writing - a 4th Step inventory - and then talking to other alcoholics about it, including my sponsor.  I've also been asking my higher power to remove my unhealthy preoccupation with my health in my Quiet Time each day."

I stepped back, smugly self-satisfied.  Take that.

"That's great," she said.  "But that's an inventory - that's not working all of The Steps on whatever's bothering you."

Annoying sometimes, that woman.

She added this: "You've given the problem over to god - but are you ready for whatever happens next?  Remember that the defects are god's business and not yours.  They're removed - if they're removed, that is - at god's pleasure and on his time frame."

As luck would have it my Step Study meetings - I attend two of 'em - have been dissecting the 6th and 7th - the throw-away Steps.  The realization that I was trying to turn over this problem to my higher power without being ready to accept the answer struck me with a lot of force.  Humbly ask god to remove my shortcomings; make myself ready to have them removed if that's god's will.  I need to work on my humility and my willingness, my listening skills, instead of inserting additional notes in the margin of the workbook I'm putting together for god so that he knows exactly how to meet my daily demands.

"How did you fuck that up?" I ask god.  "I wrote it down for you."

Kenner used to remind me that I should pay attention whenever a sentence or paragraph was italicized: "That's Bill W shouting," he said.

Here are a few phrases that jumped out at me. . . . 

"Having been granted a perfect release from alcoholism, why then shouldn't we be able to achieve by the same means a perfect release from every other difficulty or defect?"  

Indeed.

"This is a riddle of our existence, the full answer to which may only be in the mind of god."

Well, that's hardly fair.

". . . any person capable of enough willingness and honesty to try repeatedly Step Six on all his faults - without any reservations whatever - has indeed come a long way spiritually."

I like the fact that Bill had to stick in the word "repeatedly."  It disabuses me of the notion that I do this once and then I'm done with it.  I also note the italics when the reservations are mentioned as well as the inclusion of the word "whatever."

Whatever:  No matter what; for any.

"If we ask, god will certainly forgive or derelictions.  But in no case does he render us white as snow and keep us that way without our cooperation.  That is something we are supposed to be willing to work toward ourselves."

Work?  Work?!  Fuck.