Step One Sticking In My Craw

Character:  Strength of mind; resolution; independence; individuality; moral strength.

So this writing bullshit is really starting to stick in my craw and - as you are well aware - my craw is packed with bullshit of all kinds.  I may have several craws, a whole array of craws or, perhaps, I have a grotesquely monstrous craw, as big as a Buick, based on all of the irritating things that I've managed to cramstick in there.  I'm always finding new things to be irritated about and right into the craw they go with nary a peep from any craw proprioceptors.  My proprioceptors are bored: "Keep the bullshit comin', Seaweed," they say, not even bothering to look up from their cell phones.

First, the inventory that I finally do on my mom and dad uncovers all kinds of carefully covered things, revelations that I'm finding very helpful.  Who knew?  Then, on my wife's recommendation, I'm working a formal 12 Step inventory on my unhealthy fascination with my health - not merely an inventory but the exercise where one starts at Step One and goes through the Steps, in order and one by one, the task complete only when Step Twelve is completed.

Perhaps some numerology will help clear this up . . . . 

And the LORD spake, saying: "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.  Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three.  Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.  Five is right out!  Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.

(If you're a true Python addict . . . the Latin lyrics that are being sung as the Holy Hand Grenade is being retrieved, under the watchful eye of Brother Maynard, are "Pie Jesu Domine, Dona Eis Requiem" which approximately translates into English as so: Compassionate Lord Jesus, Grant them Rest - and is part of many Catholic funeral liturgies).

This was such spectacular advice that I decided to take it.  I figured that I would quickly blow through One, Two, and Three, getting to the Step Four inventory that I had predetermined was at the heart of the solution.

The sounds you hear are the screeching tires of a Very Expensive Car coming to a full stop.

Step One shakes out so: I admitted that I'm powerless over my body, that my health is unmanageable.  I know this sounds kind of silly but my understanding of this process is that one substitutes the bothersome character defect in place of "alcohol."  I marvel at the work I've done on my character defects, at how so many of them were lifted out with a minimum of effort, a smaller number came out, more or less, with some more considerable amount of work, and then there are those troublesome few that are lodged in there sideways.

I again take solace in these words: "If we ask, god will forgive our derelictions.  But in no case does He render us white as snow and keep us that way without our cooperation. "

Sounds frustrating.  We are forgiven but not absolved of responsibility for our behavior and, even then, god is going to do whatever god wants to do.  God is not looking for feedback from me.  God has this.  There is nothing in there that god needs help with.

And here this is again, a concept that bears repeating: ". . . why then shouldn't we be able to achieve by the same means a perfect release from every other difficulty or defect?  This is a riddle of our existence, the full answer to which may be only in the mind of god."

God is not looking for my input.  The lines of communication may run both ways but there is no doubt who's in charge.

Anyway, I am totally, completely, unambiguously down with the fact that my health life is unmanageable.  Out of control.  Lost all perspective.  Balance is gone.  It is the only thing in my life that consistently upsets me and it's tireless in that regard.

Clearly I'm powerless.  I'm down with this.  No argument here.

Power:  Ability to coerce, influence, or control.

However, I'm still trying to manage the shit out of the situation.  I am trying to manage the outcome to control my health so that I fee the way I want to feel - good and definitely not bad.  This is outcome stuff, running directly counter to our suggestion that we do the work and leave the results up to god.  There is nothing anywhere to suggest that I'm going to get what I want.