So more irritating things have made themselves know. I feel like I'm in a seance talking to a poltergeist that I can actually see. It would be great if things made themselves known at the beginning and all at once. This discovery crap, this uncovering of hidden truths . . . very annoying. I would say I wish I was a finished product, one that didn't require so much detailing, but the product obviously needs a bunch more finishing.
Let's recap:
Mom and dad made me mad. Which I did not know.
I am powerless over my health and my body. Which I cannot admit.
And now, completing the Trifecta of Irritation, is the realization that my exercising has also reached the unmanageable stage. And the out of control plateau. I don't need to exercise as much as I do especially given the fact that I've been suffering from more and more overuse injuries: back, wrists, elbows, knees. So I'm also powerless over my exercising. I want to exercise, I need to exercise, I MUST exercise.
Here's an example, no doubt obvious to you, gentle observer, but opaque to me: I have this swimming style where I mostly pull with my arms and kind of let my legs drag along behind me, like so much useless ballast. I guess I'm naturally buoyant so I've never felt the need to kick and flay about with my legs. A few weeks ago I decided that it would be a good idea to work on my legs so I started kicking a little bit. Not a lot of kicking but more than the none I was doing before.
"Oh," winced SuperK. "I don't try new things anymore. Kicking your legs like that has to be hard on your knees."
Where are all of these smart people when I'm doing all of these dumb things?
I've tried to use this down time to learn some stuff. All of the time I've been able to devote to my writing has been great. I've also done a lot of studying about these issues that are upsetting me: pain awareness, mommy syndrome, the effects of aging, etc. There are lot of smart people out there, did I mention that? Anyway, much research has been done on the effects of aging on the body and how best to respond to it, and I've found that if you pay attention to the source of the information that the advice becomes remarkably consistent. Of course, if you're reading obscure blog posts written by people with no qualifications to be commenting on whatever area of expertise you're researching then you're going to see the data points start to veer off the path but, all in all, good research leads to consistent results. Many experts begin to use 40 or 50 as a marker for when the body begins to respond differently and should be treated with more kindness. Blew right by those mileposts without changing a fucking thing.
I have exercised literally almost every day for 20 years. This is ridiculous. There is no need for this. Excessive is what this is. This is not salutary behavior.
I still have a definite outcome in my mind.
I should be thankful for improvement, however slow and incremental.
I should at least add the qualifier "if it be thy will" to my inflexible demands to have things work out the way I want them to work out.
Maybe this knee thing is a metaphor for my life. As in, act your age: you aren't 75 and you aren't 35. Maybe the down time is a big Taser, trying to jolt me into some semblance of reality. I should hire someone to walk around with me and slap my face whenever I drift into Seaweed World. Perhaps I am seeing that I'm really lost without exercise. Perhaps the fact that I'm not having to burn off sugar calories is helping me to eat less of them.
Reality: The state of actually being, existing, or occurring; not imaginary or fictional.
And then there's this: when something that is upsetting me is removed or ameliorated to my satisfaction I feel better. Happier. I'm not sure that this is turning it over. This seems more like getting what I want. I know my health and my knee and my exercising are unmanageable but am I powerless? Maybe flushing a trip is an example of powerlessness . . ..
Maybe it's just that concrete.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment