Stillness

Stillness: The state characterized by little or no commotion or agitation; tranquil; calm; serene.

Is there anything more difficult for an alcoholic than sitting quietly, in one place, doing nothing? I can't think of anything off hand. I don't think a panel of the world's most brilliant philosophic thinkers, taking all of the time that they needed, could come up with anything, either. I would rather crack rocks with my teeth than sit still. I would rather bend iron bars with my toes. My brain is programed for ACTION. I am programed to MOVE FORWARD QUICKLY and with GREAT RESOLVE. I could be standing on the very edge of a cliff. There is no bridge and there are razor sharp rocks percolating in molten lava at the bottom of a precipitous drop, with fire resistant Komodo Dragons swimming around, and I would try to figure out how to get to the other side RIGHT AWAY.

There exist old archival videos of the destruction caused by the detonation of nuclear devices. The scientists built little fake villages to see how different structures would stand up to the effects of the bomb. There is an eerie stillness, then the shock waves from the blast literally vaporize everything.

This is an apt analogy for my quiet times. The world might see me sitting quietly, eyes closed, breathing deeply and slowly. This is the unnatural quiet. My brain is actually on fire. It is a powerful race car stuck in neutral, the engine revved right up to the point of failure.

Actually, it's not quite that bad anymore. All of the time I have spent trying to pray and meditate has had some good effect. It's almost that bad, of course. I'm a few RPMs below engine failure now.