Rictus Steve

Rictus:  An expression where someone shows their teeth in a smile, but looks strange or in pain rather than looking happy or relaxed.

This is how I know that there is no God or - if there is a God - he has a tremendous sense of humor: the meeting today was on Joy and Happiness again.  Two days in a row.  That would try anyone's patience . . . talking about being happy one day and then having to talk about it again the very next day.  I could possibly deal with it if there was a one day break in between but two days running?  It was a left hook followed by an uppercut.

Happy people make me nervous.  My favorite T-shirt reads: "Get Away From Me" and in case the shirt isn't arresting enough to make you look it's bright purple with bright red lettering.  I once saw a coffee cup that read: "Have A Nice Day Elsewhere."  I was seeing a counselor early in my sobriety - and I cannot speak highly enough of these mental health professionals because I was fucking nuts at that point - when she asked me if I was happy.   When I replied in the affirmative she mentioned that she had never seen me smile.  Taken aback, I went home and practiced in front of a mirror.  It was not a familiar look.  It was not natural in appearance.  The word rictus comes to mind.

Today I was called on to share, of course, further evidence that God has a twisted sense of humor.  When the topic of Gratitude comes up I usually start by remarking that nothing pisses me off more than having to talk about being grateful.  It still feels like an alien state of mind to me, something I'm not especially good at.  I still see the flaw more quickly than I see the attribute.  What's wrong and not what's right.

My comments are mostly tongue-in-cheek I'm happy and grateful to report.  But I do know that it isn't my default position.  I was brought up in a fearful household, I am wired in a fearful fashion, and I think that trying to anticipate problems is pretty much the human condition but . . . c'mon . . . after a while, after being showered with blessings . . . you'd think I'd be better at it.