An Ass In A Seat

 Service:  The action of helping or doing work for someone; help, use, or benefit - "glad to be of service."

Nice word.  Simple.  Easy to understand.  Nowhere do the concepts of me, myself, or I show up.

The topic of the meeting this morning was being of service in The Fellowship.  One of the themes of the sharing was how completely unaware of other people we were while we were drinking.  The idea of doing something for someone else with no expectation of a reward was alien to me.  I was afraid that I was being taken advantage of.  Screwed!  Sure, I'll buy a pitcher of beer but I've got my eyes on all of you.  You're not getting out of here tonight without anteing up.

My off-repeated early-sobriety story about service occurred in Indianapolis where I was dabbling in my recovery.  You know the drill - show up late, leave early - so someone asked me to make coffee for the meeting.  With no artifice or barely disguised snark I replied: "I don't drink coffee at night."  Implied but wisely left unspoken was the addendum: "If you want coffee why don't you fucking make it yourself?"  The kindly gentlemen suggested that it might be nice to make the coffee for some of the other members.  What this service commitment did, of course, was force me to show up early and stay late so I got to know some people.  This was my first real start in my recovery.

The other experience took place in Chicago.  I volunteered for the coffee position at a big meeting there - I was learning a little bit about The Program and knew I needed to start being of service  - before I understood that I had to show up an hour before the meeting to get two huge pots started.  Apparently having the coffee done one minute before the meeting started wasn't the deal - people who showed up a half hour early to fellowship wanted a cup.  Then, to compound my indignity, I had to wait until everyone was gone before I cleaned the pots.  It was like a three hour commitment.  Again, I was there early and I stayed late and I got into the middle of the herd, into the flow of recovery.  I also learned how to deal with the irritation I felt and not being recognized with a special A.A. reward for Best Coffee in Dupage County.

A lot of service work in A.A. occurs under the radar.  Just being at a meeting so that someone who really needs a meeting has a meeting to attend is good service work.  Just being an ass in a seat.  When I was new and traveling occasionally I'd show up at a posted meeting site only to learn that the meeting had moved or been disbanded.  I'd have been thrilled to have one ass in one seat so that I could unspool my tale of woe.  Today I know I don't need to share something amazing  at every meeting.  I've mentioned over and over showing up at my regular meetings when we were meeting in person and standing outside with the smokers, making sure everyone is at least recognized when they're showing up.  Most people nod and walk on by but not everyone.  And then I'll often stand at the door to the meeting room afterwards and greet everyone who's leaving.  Again, most people drift by but I often get into a conversation with someone.  I have the personality to do this.  Not everyone does.  I don't have the personality to work with new people - I'm too dismissive of bullshit to be very welcoming or understanding so I leave that to the more patient members.

D'oh!

One of my oldest and dearest friends in the world asked me for some book recommendations.  His response to my suggestions was to start the thread by saying that he made a start on one of them and spiked it, immediately bored.  I thought the book was fantastic so this annoyed me - I considered typing some acerbic response.  "Well, some of us have more refined literary sensibilities," was my favorite, combining, I thought, acerbic wit with some educational arrogance.  Conversely, I spoke to Willie on the phone last night about a family matter that was upsetting him.   Normally we'll leave voice mail messages indicating we're just checking in so when the message from one of us asks for a return call to discuss something upsetting or confusing each of us makes an effort for a quick return call.

I've been talking a lot the last few years - some of my less enthusiastic fans might call it "preaching" - about the different kinds of love I've come to embrace.  I love both these guys.  With Willie, I think, nary a contentious word has e'er been spoke.  The conversations are smooth.  We're on the same page about everything.  With my book-loving friend the history is exactly the opposite.  Hyper-Competitive to a fault, we bicker and argue at the drop of a hat about important matters and the most inconsequential things.

I've known Willie a long time but it's a drop in the bucket compared to the length of my relationship with Mr. Contention.  These are two very different relationships and I value them both.  I need both of these men in my life.  They both help me and teach me, but in different ways.  This is what I'm trying to sort out when talk about love.  I love my mama and I love my wife and I love The Cincinnati Reds and I love a hamburger from Quatman's Grill.  No one would dispute these feelings and no one would equate them.  Different in all aspects.

Maybe I could take a sack of Quatmans to a Reds game with SuperK and the ghost of my mom?

Here's how my universe works when I'm active and engaged in my recovery and my spirituality.  As I was noodling over the level of snark to employ in my book response I paused to read my current Daily Reflection book: "Be calm, be true, be quiet.  Be calm always.  Do not talk back or defend yourself too much against accusation, whether false or true.  Accept abuse as well as you accept praise.  Only God can judge the real you."

D'oh!  

Gates of Insanity

To Wear The World Like A Loose Garment is such a great expression.  We've kicked around the idea that you can/should wear just about everything like a loose garment: work, marriage, A.A., your neighborhood.  You have a garment on but it shouldn't be too tight.  The leader of our meeting this morning was a long-timer who is hobbled by a recently fractured ankle.  She's not thrilled about this but she's keeping on keeping on.  I love this about long-timers - an almost universal ability to keep perspective on things.  I'm not happy that I suffered a Posterior Vitreous Detachment - my vision isn't impaired, it's affected - but I'm making do.  Balance.  Perspective.

The Daily Meditation referenced a scene from Zorba the Greek where Zorba and his grandfather discussed whether you should live your life like there's no tomorrow or whether you should exhibit the patience to take the long view of life.  Do you plant a tree that you'll never see bear fruit?  Is the benefit in the planting of the tree or eating the fruit?  The long-timers saw the beauty in both sides of the equation.

"Everybody irritates the crap out of me."  That was a comment in the meeting.  (Ed. Note: Fair Disclosure: I said that.  It was me.)

Astonish:  To surprise greatly; astound; flabbergast.

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol.  The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false.  . . . their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve.  The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker.  The persistence of this illusion is astonishing.  Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."  Big Book of A.A.

Gates of Insanity would be an excellent name for a hard rock band.

Easy Does It

"Look to this day,

For it is life,

The very life of life.

For yesterday is but a dream,

And tomorrow is only a vision, 

But today, well lived, 

Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness

And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Look well, therefore, to this day."

Kalidasa, Sanskrit writer active in India in the 4th Century A.D.

So . . . here we have a dude . . . in India . . . only 400 or so years after the birth of Christ . . . who was saying, basically, as I see it: "One Day At A Time."  So . . . apparently . . . One Day At A Time is not a new concept.

"Be calm, be true, be quiet.  Do not get emotionally upset by anything that happens around you.  Feel a deep, inner security in the goodness and purpose of the universe.  Be calm always."

So . . . here's a book by Hazelden . . . written in the early 50s where someone is saying, basically, as I see it: "Easy Does It."

 ‘Therefore don’t worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.’

And here's a quote from the Bible.

The point is, of course, that basic spiritual principles are basic spiritual principles.  This is why most of us are so open-minded about religion and other spiritual philosophies.

Because, basically, as I see it, it's all the same shit.

Sponsorship

Sponsor:  A senior member of a twelve step or similar program assigned to guide a new initiate and form a partnership with him.  (Ed. Note:  This definition made me laugh.  I usually shake my head when I get a glimpse at how the outside world sees our organization.  I like the idea of a "senior member" which makes me sound like a managing partner of a law firm who is going to tell someone who won't do anything I suggest what to do; I love the use of the word "initiate" which sounds ominously religious; and the idea of a "partnership" which brings to mind some kind of commercial agreement made me roar."

The word "sponsor" or "sponsorship" appears nowhere in The Big Book.  The concept first appears in Step Two in the Twelve and Twelve and then it shows up frequently.

Step Two - finding some concept of a power greater than ourselves - has five categories of God Fighters and Deniers: belligerents; people who reject spirituality as the domain of the "holier than thou" crowd; those who had faith and lost it; the "I'm too smart for this god bullshit" faction; and the poor souls who still believe in God but are soaked and marinated in too much alcohol to understand anything.  It is - along with Five and Twelve - one of the longest chapters in the Twelve and Twelve.  If you're having trouble with the whole Higher Power concept you're in good company.

If you come to a good, solid, workable relationship with a Higher Power, one that's based on a real, deeply-held belief, and not an action you're taking because you have to, an action where you're "faking it until you make it" or "behaving as if," then you're right on schedule.

Steady Persistence

 So one of the ringleaders at the break-away meeting is a decent friend of mine.  He could rightly be called a curmudgeon.  He's one of those incredibly strong personalities which he makes absolutely no attempt to moderate - one of those guys who has a bunch of friends and even more people who just shake their head at his antics if they can stop short of actively disliking him.  I hear "That's Mark" often when his name comes up.  Nonetheless, he would show up at the 7 AM meeting an hour early, open the door, and talk to any newcomers that show up.  I don't care for his politics or his social attitudes at all while recognizing that he's one of those important figures in A.A.  We've got enough people like me: impatient, quick to dismiss anyone who I don't think is serious about recovery, someone who isn't going to get to an early meeting an hour earlier than that.  When I'm on my game I admire his contributions.  We always greet each other, maybe talk for a minute, but we don't get much further than that.  He gives me a lot of props as a long-timer in recovery but otherwise we're just too different as peopl.

I have been pretty exercised by this break-away meeting and I've imagined a steady stream of agitated conversations with him, one of the main ring-leaders of the split.  So yesterday I thought: "Huh.  Why don't you just fucking call the guy."  I have talked with him on a regular albeit infrequent basis over the years so this wasn't a big stretch on my part.  Why not call and be positive and affirming?  What do I know about how the world should operate anyhow?  We had, of course, a particularly ordinary and inoffensive talk.  He's committed to his meeting and he only brought up one mild, oblique reference to what I would call a conspiracy theory.  He seemed kind of excited that I called.  People generally know what I'm thinking - I don't make much of an effort to hide my contempt or disapproval.  I don't harangue people, preferring to go talk to someone else, but I'm sure he had picked up the vibe.  

"Spiritual development is achieved by daily persistence in living the way you believe God wants you to live.  Like the wearing away of a stone by steady drops of water, so will your daily persistence wear away all the difficulties and gain spiritual success for you.  Never falter in this daily, steady persistence."

Singularity

There's a great episode of The Simpson's where Homer gets elected as head of the Sanitation Department in Springfield.  His basic game plan is to spend unlimited amounts of money with absolutely no thought of the consequences.  He wins office with the campaign slogan: "Can't someone else do it?"  This is my kind of slogan.  This would be an excellent life slogan.

"We cannot fully understand the universe - the simple fact is that we cannot even define space or time.  They are both boundless, in spite of all we can do to limit them.  We live in a box of space and time, which we have manufactured by our own minds and on that depends all our so-called knowledge of the universe."

I tried to look up the speed at which our universe is expanding but I couldn't even grasp what the experts were talking about, and I've taken university level physics classes.  Let's just say the universe is moving, like Ferrari moving.  Apparently the farther away you get from earth it expands more slowly while it's also accelerating more rapidly  . . . or vice versa . . . or something else.  The words parsec or gigaparsec come up frequently.  Assuming that a parsec is something so big that I can't comprehend what it means the fact that someone is measuring something so large they have to add the qualifier giga- to it is a further be-goggling. Meanwhile, the universe is estimated to be 93 billion light years in diameter which means if you travel at the speed of light it would take you 93 billion years to traverse the diameter of the universe.  This is further than the distance between Parsippiny and Ossining.  

This is space.  Don't get me started on time which is never ending and started with the Big Bang.  What the fuck is the Big Bang?  It sounds like they asked a class of first graders to name the start of time.  And how about the number one trillion?  It gets tossed around all the time like it's a Nerf football and we can't really even grasp what that means, either.  For instance, one trillion dollar bills would stack up to a height of almost 68,000 thousand miles.  If you switch to $100 bills the pile would be 680 miles.  Think about it!  Waffer thin $100 bills stacked one on top of the other 680 miles straight up.  I'd be happy to get a couple of miles of $100 bills.  Very happy.

I got started on all of these unknowable concepts after reading some suggestions on how to deal with newcomers who were resistant to the concept of a Higher Power.  Look, we get it - it's hard to develop faith in an unfathomable concept.  Please just give it a whirl.  When our national debt is announced you don't break your brain trying to understand it.  You've accepted it.

I'm going to throw that equation in just for the hell of it.

It Ain't You

We've been reading Bill W's story in the Big Book at our Sunday night meeting.  Wow, what a hyperactive overachiever.  Reminds me of . . . oh, right, every alcoholic I've ever met.   Alcoholics can really kick it into gear -  we love to climb the mountain but we're always climbing the wrong mountain.  Bill was a terrible athlete but the captain of his baseball team and a real visionary in the field of financial speculation who would find incredible opportunities and then drift away from them at the last minute in an uninterested alcoholic haze.  The Book talks about our tendency to work hard for a desired outcome and then just lose interest at the last minute.

We talked about finding our own personal Higher Power in the meeting this morning.  Many of us - most of us, probably - had a God belief when we came into A.A. but it was an impractical, unworkable God.  I was in conflict with my God.  He was the enemy, something to be struggled against, an authority figure that I was opposed to for no logical reason.  He was not my friend.  The process to find a workable, blue-class, put-on-your-boots-and-get-to-work God was a slow one.

It was pointed out long ago that whenever something is capitalized in our literature it can serve as another way of considering a Higher Power.  This morning the ideas of a Sunlight of the Spirit, Unconditional Love, a Creative Intelligence, and more came up in the discussion.  I'll never forget being at a men's spiritual retreat where the Jesuit leading the Step discussion deftly avoided controversy when we reached Step Two by pointing out all of the non-traditional, nonreligious, practical ways to find a working Higher Power: nature and art and music and puppies and kittens and on and on.  See the presence of something bigger than you in something right in front of you.  No need to go to a dedicated religious space to listen to a dedicated religious professional . . . unless you want to and there's nothing the matter with that!  Find your Higher Power wherever you can.

Many of us mentioned that neat little reminder about a good starting point in your search: 1. There is a Higher Power, and 2. It ain't you.

Like A Loose Garment

As I approach 35 years without a cigarette this bit of fine writing by Dan Chaon describes that most miserable of times better than anything I've ever read: "Without nicotine, his brain seemed murky with circling unfocused dread, and the world itself appeared somehow more unfriendly - emanating, he couldn't help but think, a soft glow of ill will."

From an emotional standpoint giving up drugs and alcohol was the one thousand pound beast and undisputed champion of the world, but quitting smoking was much more of a physical meat-grinder.  I could have committed murder several times a day during the first few weeks and I fought back powerful, insistent cravings for months.  To this day I have smoking dreams with much more regularity than I have drinking/drugging dreams.  I joke - but maybe not - that if I was given a month to live I wouldn't pick up a drink but I'd rush - at high speed - to the nearest convenience store for a pack of Winston 100s.  At odd and unexpected times I'll catch myself looking at someone exhaling a stream of blue smoke right out of their lungs and I can feel that wonderful tightness in my chest, the vague lightheadedness and sense of well-being that the nicotine produced.  

Whew.

Fundamental:  A leading or primary principle . . . which serves as the groundwork of a system; an essential part.

"In A.A. we forget about the future.  We know from experience that as time goes on, the future takes care of itself.  Everything works out well, as long as we stay sober.  All we need to think about is today."

I do believe that our experience begins to show us that life is full of twists and turns and unexpectedness.  Some things unfold smoothly with a predictable rhythm and others leave us standing there, bemused, wondering how the hell we ended up where we are.  Go with it.  Go with the flow.

"All is fundamentally well.  That does not mean that all is well on the surface of things.  Wearing the world as a loose garment means not being upset by the surface wrongness of thing, but feeling deeply secure in the fundamental goodness and purpose in the universe."

I've always loved the Loose Garment analogy.  I found it helpful to take off the undersized Spandex onesie that shrank in the dryer I was wearing.  I like visualizing my spirit floating up and out of my body, looking down on the physical part of me while being able to see everything happening all around me, all the complexities and vagaries of life.  When I'm in my head I have no overview, no perspective.

I'm Definitely Right

 "All we really have is now.  We have no past time and no future time.  As the saying goes: 'Yesterday is gone, forget it.  Tomorrow never comes, don't worry about it.  Today is here so get busy.'"

I was pondering the drinking coffee with LSD Tom part of my coffee shop experience yesterday.  I really shouldn't mark my friend Tom with an LSD descriptive.  In my defense I wouldn't say this to anyone but SuperK but that's a shallow and half-assed excuse that gives me license to demean someone with a condescending qualifier.  Also, in my defense, it's a pretty fucking funny nickname.

Anyway, I really like this guy.  He's a good, honest man who treats people well and is a solid father and provides good, honest financial advice to the clients of his investment business.  His big problem is that he wants to use the occasional hallucinogen to enhance his live concert experiences.  I really can't argue with his general rationale as I'd like to smoke a little heroin first thing every morning to take the edge off.  He defends his behavior by loosely interpreting the A.A. principle of "the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking" as an OK to use drugs.   He knows he drank too much so he doesn't do that anymore but the drugs?  He doesn't perceive that to be a problem.  I really can't argue with that disturbed manner of thinking, either, as a dude who has a sobriety date that falls roughly six months after he took his last drink.  You do the calculus.

I grew up in a rigorous academic environment where we were always encouraged to go to the source, to never take anything for granted, to research and research and then do some more research.  The Mother Ship for alcoholics is NY Central Office.  If you've never been in touch with them I highly recommend it - there will be a person assigned to your geographical area who will actually respond to your inquiry.  I've contacted them periodically over the years and their response is predictably anodyne, usually along the lines of "the individual (or the group, as the case may be) is free to do whatever they (it) want(s) as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else."  Another favorite comment is "anyone who says he's a member of Alcoholics Anonymous is indeed a member."

I chuckled a bit at the calculated nimbleness of LSD Tom's defense of his behavior.  There is absolutely nothing in our literature that says drug use is a sobriety disqualifier and NY absolutely refused to take a stance on whether what he was doing was copacetic or not.  "What he decides is sobriety is none of our business" was their response.  "We have no opinion whatsover about drug use - we're in the alcohol business only" followed that line of reasoning.

Tom understands what I think about drugs.  I was his sponsor for a while until he quit calling me.  I don't harangue anyone about anything but my disapproval was palpable so he probably got uncomfortable with our interchanges - my stance is if you think that drug use is an acceptable part of sobriety you should find a sponsor who also believes that.  In a funny side not he asked my sponsor if he would sponsor him - so I guess I'm out - and he preemptively brought up the drug use conundrum so maybe I taught him something.  My sponsor tried to keep a straight face as he politely declined his offer.  I've always encouraged people to bring up confusing matters as a topic at one of their regular meetings - that way you get advice from a cross-section of our membership and you don't have to rely on the maybe-flawed advice of one person.  I can assure you he hasn't done this.  I'm assuming he knows what would happen if he did.  In most things I can't say "I'm definitely right" but here's one where I'm definitely right.

Tongue-Biting Seaweed

 I was in the checkout line at the grocery store a few days ago and a week into a no-meeting run.  This is very unusual for me and was mostly a result of our stay in the desert - after some years of sobriety I'm comfortable with taking a break from meetings when I'm on vacation.  That, unfortunately and however, is an excuse and nothing more but I'm sticking with it.  I was unloading my cart - masked and, I thought, six feet from the customer in front of me - when the cashier abruptly said: "Sir, I'm going to need you to move back to the other side of your cart."  I apologized and scuttled back to the front of my cart, biting back the "I'm going to need you to go fuck yourself" comment that was right on the tip of my tongue, the part of my tongue that should be cut off.  My time in A.A. has taught me to Not Talk Most Of The Time! so I said not a word, somewhat proud of myself for controlling my speech while sheepishly realizing that my thinking still needs some work.  At a slight remove I understood that these essential workers have to deal with a steady stream of idiots and yahoos and bozos all day long so I'm more than willing to cut them some slack.  Still . . . my reaction was a telling tell of my spiritual condition at that particular moment.

Then yesterday I had coffee with a friend in The Program - his private Seaweed household nickname is LSD Bob, if that gives you an indication of my opinion of the quality of his Program - at a small one-off shop that I favor.  Everyone has masks and everyone is staying away from everyone else.  This dude walks in and shouts: "Am I ever going to get my order?"  It was jarring and an attention-grab.  When the cashier pointed out where his order was sitting he then yelled at two women who were in his way: "Can you get out of my way so I can get my food?"  The exchange continued for a while longer - a gripe about his coffees which were clearly right there, a bitch about a coffee carrier, etc.  At this point most of us were starting to laugh at this guy because he was so over the top.  When he finally left, hollering a "I don't want to make you do any work" a big round of applause went up when the owner said: "Have a nice day, sir, and don't hurry back."  The benefits of being the owner - a Starbucks barista would have had to bit his or her tongue until it bled.

The point is . . . if you're still at all interested in the point . . . that I could see how maybe the customer two people in front of me at the grocery store had treated that employee in a similar manner.  It's not all about me and how things are going for me.  My tongue-biting was a way of saying: "Hey, this is a tough, challenging time for all of us so I'm going to cut you some slack and this for some behavior that was maybe, possibly, a teeny, tiny bit unpleasant."

Re: my Higher Power: "And I get strength from that Power to do what I could never do with my own strength."

Some more: "Withdraw into the calm of communion with God.  Rest in that calm and peace.  When the soul finds its home of rest in God, then it is that real life begins.  Only when you are calm and serene can you do good work.  Emotional upsets make you useless."

Problem People

Endure:  To continue or carry on, despite obstacles or hardships; to persist. 

One of my friends called up to ask me to lead a men's stag meeting this week.  Although we're close we don't talk on the phone very often so when I heard his voice on my VM I assumed he wanted something.  Just to be a prick I didn't let him get a word in edge-wise when we finally spoke because I knew he was looking for an opening to make his request.  He knows me well enough to understand what was going on so this was all in good fun.  It's always an honor to be asked to lead a meeting beforehand - I take it as a compliment that I have something he thinks the group would enjoy hearing.

I'm going to talk about acceptance.  I'm going to reference in an oblique way the suck year we've all had to put up with.  While some of us have had it harder than others - and I personally have been remarkably blessed - I haven't run into anyone who has preferred living through a pandemic to life as it existed before.

Accept:  To endure patiently; to accept with gratitude.

I like the tension between these two definitions of gratitude.  The first part is what I perceive as the standard A.A. interpretation - to put up with something that's unwanted: To endure a trail or tribulation.  The second part is crucial for me as it makes me look at acceptance as something positive: To accept a gift or a promotion or a compliment.  One of the most important factors in my long history in recovery has been how to go from The Problem to the Solution.  We do that.  We don't pretend that problems don't exist for that is exactly the kind of behavior we preferred when we were drinking - sticking our heads in the sand - but we try to move quickly into a state of acceptance and gratitude.  To me this is the definition of Grace.

Our fascination with difficulties is mostly human nature, in my humble opinion.  I note with amusement that the words problem or problems are mentioned 158 times in the A.A. texts while solution or solutions are used 21.  Clearly the founders knew we were Problem People.  How do I know?  They fucking said so: "We have been talking about problems because we are problem people who have found a way up and out . . . "

Note to self: Problem People would be an excellent name for a hard rock band.

When a problem arose in my childhood I had a father who got angry and a mother who pretended that the problem didn't exist.  Is there any wonder that I'm not very good at dealing with difficulties?  I had mildly dysfunctional teachers.

Sometimes Quickly, Sometimes Slowly

 From my Daily Meditation Book:

"You can become a channel for God's spirit to flow through you and into the lives of others.  Let your spirit be in harmony with God's spirit and there is no limit to what you can do in the realm of human relationships."

I like this idea that I can be of service to other people by allowing the spirit of my Higher Power to move through me - from the ethereal plane to the material one - and into the lives of the others.  It gives me a feeling that the presence of a Higher Power in my life can benefit others by changing me for the better.  This seems more in the spirit of service and giving than just taking this presence and improving my own circumstances.

" If you look back over God's guidance, you will see that his leading has been very gradual . . . "  

In A.A. - speak we say" sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly."  I went to a men's meeting once where the group chanted this addendum: "Sometimes real fucking slowly."  The message is that it's best to slow down.  Time takes time.  The Big Book reminds us that "A whole lifetime geared to self-centeredness cannot be set in reverse all at once."  Your path is there even if you can't see it at the moment.  Step forward into your day - steadily, slowly - and you'll gradually begin to see what you need to do.

Simplicity

 From Hazelden's 24 Hour A Day book: "Simplicity is the keynote of a good life.  Choose the simple things always.  Life can be complicated if you let it be so.  You can be swamped by difficulties if you let them take up too much of your time.  Every difficulty can be either solved or ignored and something better substituted for it.  Love the simple things.  Your standard must never be the world's standard of wealth and power."

This passage amused me because SuperK and I had been talking yesterday about this particular daily meditation book, one which was read before every meeting in Chicago when we were getting sober, even though it's not an A.A. approved text and is full of pretty Christian sounding thinking.  I picked it up a few weeks ago after I had finished another spiritual book I had been reading - also a non-A.A. approved book, come to think of it.  We had been kicking around some thinking about social media and how it can insidiously trick us into comparing ourselves to other people all of the time.  This is bad enough but the real evil is that we're often comparing ourselves to highly curated and manipulated images of other people presenting the picture to the world that they want the world to see.  No one posts a picture on Facebook of themselves morosely sitting on a couch, depressed, wearing a sweat shirt with pizza stains on it.  We're dressed up, hair combed, big smiles on our faces, doing really fun and cool things.   

BTW - I hate all of those big toothy, fake, overly joyous smiles I see when people post pictures of themselves.  I don't run into everyone walking around with those big deceptions plastered on their faces when I'm out in public.  Isn't anyone ever sad?  Doesn't anyone just have a normal scowling grimace to present to the world?  You cannot be that fucking happy all the time.  It looks so transparently fake to me.  Yeah, I know your folks shelled out $7500 for braces when you were growing up.  Maybe you should post the occasional picture of yourself cleaning the toilet or picking up your dog's dog poop or any other feces related activity that you think would hold our attention.

This bit of spiritual advice was funny because my wife inadvertently opened up the Facebook page of a sibling with whom she has a strained relationship.  And there she was, the oldest child overextending herself in a manner than I - as an in-law and not as a member of the nuclear family - find to be stressful.  This woman is obviously one of those people who had the Do part of living down pat while completely ignoring the Be part.  And SuperK's reaction is to feel 

The Desert

Another great hiking trip to The Desert.  I don't know what it is about the desert but I really like being in the desert.  I think part of it is that there are no people around and when I say no people I mean NO people.  Some of the hiking takes us up onto ridges and into hills where we can see evidence of the existence of people - houses, cars, roads - but we're too high to see the people themselves and some of the hikes go back into canyons where there are just no people.  I couldn't live in that kind of environment permanently but it's sure nice to visit from time to time.   I don't realize on a day to day basis how accustomed I am to the background hum and racket of people so it's a little jarring when I'm away from it - just the scuff of boots on rock and sand and the blowing of wind.  Some occasional birds but not that many of them.  SuperK and I talk some but often we just hike.  It's nice to be alone.  It's nice to be with people, too, but being alone is good for the soul.

I Made A Mistake? I Don't Think So

The concept of loving people for who they are and not for who I want them to be has really been percolating through my frontal cortex lately.  And why would I want it to be any different?  This attitude toward life allows me the leeway to have all kinds of unpleasant emotions and reactions to other people - friends, family, loved ones, casual acquaintances, coworkers  - without the consequence of rejecting them as people.  You don't believe the way I do?  So what.  You irritate the shit out of me from time to time?  Good for you.  Just because I occasionally have an unpleasant reaction to you as a person doesn't mean I can't allow you to be a presence in my life.

I have a friend from high school - high school! - who has been one of my dearest and closest friends for 45 years and with whom I argue and bicker all the time.  I love engaging with him even though he annoys the hell out of me about 70% of the time.  Our friendship is constant and enduring but if I sent you a transcript of some of our conversations you might be tempted to think otherwise.  I cherish these differences.  They're good for me.  They make me stretch and grow and consider all kinds of matters from a different perspective.  And they're a kind of mental combat which sharpens my wit and makes me engage in the world differently than I would if I were simply hanging around people who thought as I do.

I think it's a wonderful thing to be in conflict with others from time to time and not have a relationship be ruined.  It enlarges my being.  It allows me to make mistakes in my people skills with no long-term consequences and it makes me allow mistakes in others.  I get to say: "Hmmm.  Maybe he made a mistake.  Maybe it was me was wrong.  Hmmm."

Random Thoughts

Sometimes alcoholics confuse boredom with peace and serenity.

After more spiritual development we find the source of perfect peace to be God himself.

Religion is for people who don't want to go to Hell - Spirituality is for people who've already been there.

Do I want freedom from fear or freedom from want?  THAT is a stupid question . . . almost as stupid as Do I want to be happy or do I want to be right?

Why don't you worry about it a little more?  Maybe that'll help . . . . .

I do not hold with those who believe alcoholism is entirely a problem of mental control.   These men were not drinking to escape; they were drinking to overcome a craving beyond their mental control.

It's the first drink that I have to worry about.  That's the one that gets me drunk.  It's not the caboose that kills you - it's the locomotive.

What other people do is none of my business.  None.  Of.  My.  Business.

I'm responsible for my second thought and my first action.  The first thought is sort of a wild card.

Love people for who they are and not who you want them to be.

I love the psychological theory of Risk Versus Reward.  Every day I'm balancing what I get out of something and with the potential for a bad outcome.  Even with something as simple as driving a car - there's very little risk but  potential for a horrible outcome.  I've decided that the convenience and necessity of driving a car is worth that very small chance.  I do this knowing that today a few people in my town are going to drive a car and something awful is going to happen.  We make hundreds of choices like this every day.  I have to remember that sometimes my perceived risk/reward calculation is going to be different from someone else's.

God gave me this Program but he expects me to put in a ton of work.

If I take care of my internal world then the external world takes care of itself.

Humility is acknowledging that I'm not always right.  (Ed. Note: Ack!)

For a guy who made a mess of his life I'm cocksure about how everyone else should live theirs.  (Ed. Note: D'oh!!)

It's Not A Lie . . . If YOU Believe It

Always a good personal reminder: meditation is not about stopping my thinking.  I don't have to strive to get to point where I get lost in some nether world.  Meditation is about watching my thinking drift by without judging it or trying to control it.  "Huh, that's an interesting thought," I should say, before I simply go back to paying attention to my breathing.  Breath in - Breath out.  Let Go - Let God.

Intuitively handle things which used to baffle me.  That was a huge list, that bafflement list.

George Costanza: "Remember . . . it's not a lie if you believe it."

Rereading my daily journal beginning last summer.  A lot of predictions and a lot of misses.  Some hits, probably more hits than misses, but a shit-ton of misses.  This is why I try not to get too wrapped up in what's going to "happen" in the future - I'm pretty lousy at predicting it.  I'm often way off.  I'm occasionally not even in the game.

The difference between an apology - saying I'm sorry - and an amend - actually changing my behavior - is a difference that is important to remember.  I need to do both, of course, but the not-doing-it-again part is critical.

Coming to embrace an almost total digital existence.  Ones and Zeroes.  Thought as mathematics.  Losing what is material and becoming electricity.  If we're lucky our presence on earth is felt for 3 generations and - without children - you'll be forgotten for the most part in 25 years.  Bits and scraps of your life might be interesting in a vague historical way: "Huh, I wonder who this Seaweed guy was who scribbled in the margins of this book long ago . . . "

I'm a Balker and a Stove Toucher.

The Twelve Stumbling Steps and Twelve Not-Traditional Traditions.

If I let go a little, I get a little.

If I let go a lot, I get a lot.

"Enter the dark wood where there was no path, for it is a shameful thing to take a path that someone has trod before."  Attributed to the Holy Grail.

You can act your way into a new way of thinking much more easily than you can think your way into a new of acting.

There has never been anything like unbridled capitalism in the United States - State, Federal, and local governments have been involved from the very beginning.

Doubting God is no barrier to a spiritual experience.

I find this idea of insisting on my right to do whatever I want to do perilously close to saying I don't care what happens to you.  What kind of message does this send to our new members when we're not following the law?  That you should obey the rules - that you should live an honest, ethical life unless you disagree with the rules?  That's chaos.  That's anarchy.

Ladies and Gentlemen . . . Please Welcome . . . Children of Chaos!

Chaos: Complete disorder and confusion.

Confusion:  A disorderly jumble; a situation of panic; a breakdown of order.

Children of Chaos, we had defiantly played with every brand of fire, only to emerge unharmed and, we think, wiser.

Confusion replaced serenity.  Quite characteristically, we had gone all out in confusing the ends with the means.  Once confused and baffled by the seeming futility of existence, they show the underlying reasons why they were making heavy going of life.

Children of Chaos would be an excellent name for a hard rock band.

There was a little confusion as to the exact format in our meeting today.  We got the ship righted right quick.  I like using the ship analogy to describe the course of my life: When I was drinking I used to sink a handful of My Life ships each week.  Sometimes they sank slowly although it wasn't unusual for my ship to sink after I blew it up with a lot of TNT.  Sometimes I sank a ship a day for weeks on end and sometimes I'd sink a ship in the morning then sink a couple more in the afternoon, just for the hell of it.  Now my ships might take on water or list to the left or to the right or go backwards and people and things sometimes fall overboard, but I haven't sank an entire ship since I got sober.  There have been ships that have had to be towed back into port but not a single one has gone down.

If A.A. started today would it have made it?  An interesting question . . .  We definitely are people with fixed, intransigent opinions on everything.  I'm not sure we would be able to transcend all of the strong opinions in our hyper-polarized society.  A tragic thought because here's a Program with a set of simple spiritual principles that can and has helped all kinds of people for 80 years.

I've been pondering non-verbal communication so the reading today - a historical overview of our Steps and Traditions - helped me sort out some of these thoughts.  This, of course, is about the in-person meeting that I . . . you know . . . don't have to write about anymore because I'm clearly completely over any lingering resentments.  I've been teasing my sponsor who attends that meeting . . . . kind of . . . by asking him how the "Republican"meeting is going.  He understands the snark and isn't offended by it but I notice he often says that politics aren't discussed.  It makes me think about all the ways I can get my message across without actually using words.  For instance, I would never wear a T-Shirt with a picture of a political candidate to a meeting because I risk offending someone; maybe someone new who is looking for an excuse to reject A.A. hates this particular candidate.   I wouldn't have to actually talk about the policies of this figure - it would be implied.  I can roll my eyes, assume a disgusted facial expression, audibly exhale a little puff of annoyed breath, not wear a mask in a meeting that requires that one be worn - all very obvious and effective ways of communicating.

Messaging is a tricky subject.

Bob Loblaw

 Selfish:  Holding one's own self-interest as the standard of decision making; having regard for one's self above other's well-being.  (Ed. Note: I like the inclusion of the word well-being.  It's not that I'm not considering the wishes of someone else - it's that I don't care about their health, happiness, or prosperity.  I don't give a shit, although I usually convince myself otherwise.)

I'm really intrigued by this tension between individual rights - doing whatever I want to do with no interference from anyone - and the interest of a larger group of people - in A.A., my neighborhood, my city, my country.  Whenever there's an issue with no clear-cut solution both sides can often make a convincing case.  A lot of this pondering is a result of my irritation with the live A.A. meeting that I've struggling with - you know, the one I'm so over that I don't have to write about it anymore?  It's nice to get my way.  I prefer it to all the other ways.  It's also nice to be around people who are more contented because they're getting their way, too.  It's not satisfying if I never get my way but I'm uncomfortable when I'm getting my way all the time, often at the expense of the ways of other people.  Anyone who isn't willing to compromise, who insists on getting their way 100% of the time does so at the risk of alienating someone else.  When I'm around people who insist on calling all the shots I'm either forced to capitulate to the will of another, often sulking in silent anger, or moving away from that person.  If I like foreign movies and my friend, who likes thrillers, always insists on going to a thriller, eventually I'm going to say: "Fuck this guy, I'm going to find someone else to go to the movies with."  It's not so much that I won't go to the occasional thriller but that it's nice to be with someone who seems concerned - or at least aware - that I might like to have my way sometimes.

There's a character on a sitcom I'm watching right now called Bob Lablaw.  Try saying it out loud.  This is sort of what I'm doing with this screed.

Working With Another

 Part Two: “We tried to carry this message to other alcoholics.”

God has entrusted a special gift of healing for sick alcoholics which He has withheld from all other persons.  This was granted to us so that we might justify our right to live sober, normal lives by helping other alcoholics recover from their illness.

(What a famous A.A. principle this is! There are so many reminders in our literature that our recovery is a gift freely received, freely given, stories about people refusing to believe that the only reason a recovering alcoholic is talking to them - for free! - is to ensure that own person's sobriety. "It is important for him (or her) to realize that your attempt to pass this on plays a vital part in your own recovery." Big Book P. 94.)

We should be critical of our own development . . . as it is impossible to share with another something that we do not possess ourselves.  Contrariwise, even though well qualified ourselves, we cannot share A.A. with alcoholics who reject our help.  It is pointless to try.  Herein lies a cardinal virtue of sponsorship - it is the momentary loss of self-centeredness. (So many important ideas here, too; chief among them being that if someone doesn't want our help they don't want our help. It's really hard to get sober if a person is really motivated - it's almost impossible if they are completely resistant. There's also the reminder that when we're trying to help someone else we lose some of that aberrant fascination with our own personal self. I mean . . . it's OK to be concerned with your own well-being but . . . c'mon . . . we're talking an unhealthy obsession. "But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got." Big Book P. 164.)

Another significant part of sponsorship, in which several members can carry the message, is that of starting new groups or working with weaker ones. All members must carry the message to develop A.A.'s growth and gain personal experience if we are to continue the source of referrals started by our founders. (Interesting that starting a new meeting can be an important part of carrying the message. Maybe I should stop bitching so much about the break-away meeting.)

Demands on the newcomer are few - it is imperative that the prospect: 1. Is an alcoholic. 2. Wants to quit drinking. 3. Calls A.A. for help. Successful sponsors require these qualifications of a newcomer. (Here we can see a little bit that our Fellowship has mellowed as it has become more of a well-known, mainstream organization. I laugh at the "require" part of the text. Frankly, anyone who comes in the door by whatever means and whether they're interested or not at all at getting sober is fine by us.)

We should not push him into A.A. Let him ask for it. The newcomer should know about the spiritual aspect of A.A., particularly that it is not a religion but his own concept of God. Point out that alcoholism is an illness from which he must recover, that he is sick - not his family. Be friendly, but don't baby him. Although we may help him to a meeting at first, we should not make it a fixed habit. (The Little Red Book freely references the A.A. chapter Working with Others in making the above points: Don't waste time on someone who isn't interested; a spiritual program and not a religious one; alcoholism is an illness; the alcoholic is the one who needs to get better, not the alcoholic's family; and don't coddle the drunk - if he can make it to the bar and/or the drug dealer every night he can make it to a meeting.

Go on the theory that A.A. can do without you, but that you cannot live without A.A. Buy a Big Book and follow its advice. It is foolish to assume that you can recover from alcoholism without a book which contains the recovery instructions.

Be Careful What You Ask For

I've been increasingly careful in my sobriety to make sure I consider all of the ramifications and weird angles and improbable outcomes of actions I take.  I'm wary of asking for things or complaining about stuff because life spins off consequences in ways I don't anticipate.

I have a friend here in the complex who's a complainer.  Not a bitcher, I don't think, but rather one of those people who immediately takes action whenever he sees something he doesn't like.  I'm more low key - I figure things work themselves out most of the time and I'm fretful about setting trains into motion because trains seem to run over me or jump the tracks and smash shit up.  A good train sitting quietly on a side track is okay by me.

Anyway, my buddy uses the small exercise room attached to our pool here before he joins me to swim.  I noticed recently that the gym was closed while the pool remained open.  Because of CoVid restrictions in our area private facilities like this can be completely closed or allowed to remain open or any hybrid in-between.  I've been grateful that our owners have kept the pool open while a number of adjoining communities have kept them completely shuttered.  A few months ago the pool heater went out, preventing me from swimming for a week or two.  I let management know about the problem and then kept my mouth shut.  It wasn't their fault and they ordered the part to remedy the outage, which took a week to arrive.  I wasn't happy about it but I didn't see the point in raising a fuss.  Things break sometimes, you know?

Anyway, seems my buddy was irritated enough about a number of matters - matters that seem minor to me - to email the park manager to complain and - here's the kicker - he cc'd her boss.  He shows up the next day and the gym is shuttered "because of the county's restrictions against exercise clubs" according to the manager.  I suspect she got tired of fucking around with this guy and figured it would be easier to just close the whole gym.

I had to giggle under my breath.  Set a train in motion and you never know what'll happen.

Restless, Irritable, and Discontent

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol.  The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false.  To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one.  They are restless, irritable, and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks."  Big Book P.P. XXVI. 

Those are powerful words written by Dr. Silkworth, a physician who was instrumental in promoting Alcoholics Anonymous in our earliest days.  As you'd expect from a medical doctor his words factual and dispassionate.  Blunt, almost.  "This is what you're up against," he seems to be saying.

Later on comes this: "Faced with this problem, if a doctor is honest with himself, he must sometimes feel his own inadequacy.  ... we physicians must admit we have made little impression upon the problem as a whole."  Big Book P. XXVII.   That's a pretty amazing admission from a physician, a group of people not world renowned for their humility.  He's basically saying: "We got nuthin.' Listen to these laypeople who've been sober for a few months."  When's the last time you saw a doctor just throw up his hands?  Or even worse - admit they have no idea how to solve a problem?

For some reason this section brought to mind a guy I knew when I lived in Indianapolis.  He was a successful businessman, outgoing and confident; forceful, in fact, in his confidence.  When he was still drinking he got on a reading jag, starting with some books on how to influence other people before moving on to some that promoted positivity in one's life.  He was out on the golf course with some friends, playing terribly, forcibly inflicting false positivity on everyone, when one of his buddies said: "What are you talking about?  You're in the sand trap.  You've been in the rough all day.  You're playing like shit."

I think the connection is that this is the kind of person that Dr. Silkworth dealt with for years and years with little to no success.  It's like trying to explain to a non-alcoholic what it's like discussing the problems and consequences of heroin addiction to a heroin addict who, in the throes of addiction insanity, doesn't want to quit.  You're talking to an insane person.  You'd think it would be pretty easy to make a case that there's a better way to live but the person you're talking to - an alcoholic or an addict who suffers from an allergy and a compulsion - is insane at that moment.