To Consterne

Consternation: Amazement or horror that confounds the faculties, and incapacitates for reflection; terror, combined with amazement.

From time to time there are events in my life that cause me great consternation.  This is as it should be and as it will undoubtedly continue to be.  I no longer expect life to deliver nothing but good news to my inbox.  I'm going to be have problems of money, power, and sex, and the world will affect me in ways that I find unpleasant.

The amazingly horrible fact here is that some part of me continues to cling to the illusion that this is preventable, controllable.  I am, after all, two years old emotionally.

When I was getting sober I frequently stopped by the Program coffee shop after my evening meetings.  There was a rotating group of men there, sitting around drinking coffee and bullshitting about everything.  These guys had jobs and wives and kids and houses and money in the bank and cars that always started when they turned the key in the ignition, things that I could only wonder about.  I sat on the periphery of the conclave and tried to soak the wisdom in. Ironically, I can't recall a single instance of getting specific advice about working The Steps but I do remember clearly the sense emanating from these guys that everything was going to be OK in the long run, that things were going to work out for the best.  I needed this sense of hope, consumed as I was by wave after wave of impending doom.

Doom:  Destiny, especially terrible.  (Ed. Note: This is an excellent definition).

I try to remember today that the trajectory of my life has been relentlessly upward.  There have indeed been ups and downs and starts and stops, but the curve has curved higher and higher.  I am far better off today than I was a while ago.  I'm not always better today than I was yesterday but I'm always heading in the right direction.

So whatever great tragedy has darkened my doorstep today won't mean shit at some point.