BFI

Anyway . . . The Big Financial Institutions.  I feel like they're like huge gargantuans who are simply standing tall, swatting away the little darts and arrows slung by ineffectual mortals like me.

The first call I made yesterday was to a BFI that was very effective at losing shit, and not much else.  As the losing shit part of their repertoire is the least attractive part I figured out some proactivity was in order.  Wise to their mind games, I followed up the last document I sent with an email making sure that they got the document.  Immediately.  Yes, Seaweed, we have the document and we have already forwarded it to the estate team for dispensation.  They will be "reaching out to you in the next few days."  I flinch when I hear the phrase "reach out" coming from the digital mouth of a BFI.  It is a phrase which has become blurred in my mind.  I'd rather be told that a sorcerer with a syringe full of typhus is going to stop by and attempt to inject it into the white part of my eyeball.  Thus, the flinch.

The tricky part is weighing the patiently waiting part against the appropriate action part. Normally, when someone confirms something and then says that some action is imminent I've learned to wait.  Not with the BFIs.  I call back, getting someone new who sees that I spoke with someone else who really did send the latest document along to the estate team but that there is another document required that the estate team also needs.  If you don't call back they don't do anything.  It's quite the Catch-22.

I paused several long beats.  Patient Seaweed or Seaweed The Furious?

"You people are unbelievable," I said.  I was reduced to making a dispassionate factual statement.  Calling someone unbelievable would normally fall under the category of an opinion statement but this really seems pretty clear cut factually.

"Why didn't you tell me when I called last time to send this additional document so that I could have sent all the documents all at once?" I added. 

"You realize I'm trying to leave this money with your company?" I said, wondering if they thought I was trying to take the money away.  All I want to do is change the legal ownership, not add several amendments to the US Constitution.

They apologize etc etc if you send it in before 5PM EST etc etc we got the form etc etc go fuck yourself blah blah blah should take 3 to 4 business days yadda yadda yadda.

The second BFI on my Greatest Hit List says this: "I'm sorry but this is the investment center.  Your inquiry has to be addressed by the estate team.  I'll leave a message with them."

"Have I called the correct number?" I asked.  "I'd be happy to call them myself.  It's really no problem."

"No, you can't do that."  He really said this.  Maybe they don't have phones.  Maybe everything gets to them in those big suction tubes where you roll up a piece of paper and it gets whisked away.

The estate team is where it's at.  That's like some secret cabal, those people.  I'd like to be on the estate team.