"Craw" Is A Great Word

Stick in my craw:  To cause lasting annoyance, irritation, or hard feelings.

I really should read the shit I write sometimes.  I forget that this writing is for me.

My beloved men's meeting is an off-the-books collection of guys from The Fellowship - not an official meeting published in the local meeting directory.  While much of the structure and format is pure Program - we just got done reading in entirety, from soup to nuts, one of the two main books that were written to guide us along the recovery path - and the meeting is open to anyone we take some liberties with our study material.  (Ed. Note: why is it "soup to nuts," anyway?  What kind of idiot ends their meal with nuts?  It should be from soup to dessert.  I mean, nuts for dessert?  Are you kidding me?)

Anyway, the meeting is kind of a Step-based spirituality meeting so the lack of official status allows us to mix in some non-conference approved literature of a spiritual nature.  Sometimes the books are generic spirituality and sometimes the books get a little religious.  Last night we started on a new book, one written by an official religious guy from the official religion that I had jammed down my throat for the first 18 years of my life and I mean 18 years - I have no doubt I was being hauled along to services within the first 2 weeks of my life.  We had church and church school and vacation church school in the goddam summer for god's sake and special services for many, many special dates during the course of a year, and I was there for every fucking one of them.

As you might expect, I was wary of this new book which was voted in over my objections, making it by default a bad decision.  I try to be open-minded - we've read spiritual books based on official religions with which I don't a long, difficult history, books I've had no objection to at all.  But this one really stuck in my craw.  I could feel my long, difficult history overwhelming my ability to be open-minded.  And I still consider myself pretty mainstream in my religious beliefs - I still consider myself a member of this official religion, just not a regular practicing go-to-services-every-week member and definitely not someone interested in its official dogma being discussed in a Program meeting.  

I was pretty exercised about the whole thing.  There were actual verses from the official book of this official religion in our new selection, and they showed up right out of the chute, causing my mind to snap shut like a well-oiled gopher trap.  I could not concentrate on the reading and I had trouble listening to my brothers, even a couple of them who were as wary as I was about the book although, in my defense,  guys without my extensive, highly prejudiced history.

As it stands today I'm going to excuse myself from the group until they make it through this sorry-ass selection.  I'll probably change my mind by next week but maybe not.  I think that my 58 years of life and 28 years of sobriety has bought me some . . . not seniority but consistency in my beliefs, you know?  I like to try new things - I think it's crucial - but I don't want to bang my head against the wall for no good reason.  I don't like country music - it just doesn't appeal to me and not because I think it's bad music.  If you gave me a bunch of country music and I had to listen to it and listen to nothing else I'd probably find some stuff in there I like and I'd probably gain a new appreciation for the genre but I'd certainly not end up as a country music fan, so please put the country music away.

Is this a case where I need to open up and stretch my mind a little or is this a case where I'd just be banging my head against the wall?

TBD.