I wonder: Do I go home immediately in case my mother dies? Or do I gamble that isn't the case and wait a bit? I don't want to make the long trip home if the situation isn't dire but I don't want to miss a chance to see her one more time if it is. And what about seeing my sponsor again? Or providing some kind of emotional support to a friend?
It's amazing that I just spent some time mulling over the "comfortable in my own skin" concept right as this shit hits the fan. I can say that I'm at peace with the state of my relationships with all of these people. Isn't that a miracle? I can say that I'm at peace with ALL of my relationships. I don't mean to imply that these relationships are all tip-top and in fine mettle or that all of these people are fine with me, only that I approve of my own behavior. I'm confident that I'll make a reasonable decision that will enable me to sleep well at night. I'm not saying that I'll please everyone else but that's the way the cookie crumbles, whatever that means. I can't say I'm heavily in favor of any aphorism that involves the destruction of cookies.
What follows is my half of some emailing back and forth with my ancient friend. I found it amazingly hard trying to convey how powerful a force my spiritual life is in my temporal life to someone who I don't think has a rich spiritual practice of their own, and I also wanted to tread lightly: nothing worse than some hipster dufus preaching from atop a dubious spiritual hilltop of his own construct to someone else who's in pain.
Note Number One:
"I'm not going to open up my email or text messages any more - my mom went to Good Sam last night with a brain bleed leading to pressure up in the skull which is affecting the brain stem. Prognosis not so hot. That on top of my AA sponsor of 25 years who had prostate cancer move into his blood and now into his bone. Prognosis absolutely evil. And now this.
Words are hard to come by and this to a man who rarely is at a loss for words. . . .
My clumsy attempts at gaining some spiritual perspective on life would have me suggest how important it is to stay in the moment. I have a tendency to project out into the uncontrollable future where I imagine terrible things happening when the fact of the matter is that all I have is right now. All I can do is what's in front of me, take the next step, do the next right thing, the next indicated thing. I don't think I've learned a more powerful truth than One Day At A Time. This helped me stay sober initially but now I find it to be so applicable to life itself - don't forget to be grateful for what I've got, not to be afraid of what I can lose, secure in the knowledge that in this sometimes hard life I will endure and I will see the reason behind everything, both good and bad. I'm not going to escape life's travails and I'm not going to get shut out of life's pleasures.
I hope this sounds OK. It comes from a man who loves you like a brother. Maybe go (I almost said "outside;" Christ, it's almost 80 here today) into a quiet room and sit with your thoughts, listen to your breathing, listen to the small,still voice reassure that, in the end, all will be well.
Note Number Two, in reply:
"Whew. I'm glad this was rec'd in the spirit in which it was sent. Generalized spiritual platitudes can fall flat when someone is in The Shit. One of the hardest things I have to do in The Fellowship is to discuss with someone new how to persevere through the troubles they're inevitably and justifiably going through - the blow-back is "Sure, what do you know ? Everything's going fine for you . . . " etc etc etc. At least in my recovery I've been where the newcomer is so I can speak with some perspective. Having a child get a tough diagnosis? Out of my league. Whatever you're going through is beyond my scope. Hang in there.
One of my little tricks is to keep something I call a Crisis List. I write down whatever and whenever something is bothering me, put in a dash, and then jot down the action I think I should take. About half the time I'm upset because I'm not doing something I should be doing and about half the time I've done everything I can and I just need to wait and see what god's plan is. The latter is MUCH harder - I think as men and as high-achieving, Type A personalities our first impulse is to take an action! Solve something!! when the fact of the matter is we don't have that much power. I once read that: "All action is easier than calm waiting."
Indeed.
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